The clean journey
- Thread starter Percival
- Start date
Percival
Active Member
Yesterday didn't go quite as well. I was watching a Youtube playthrough of Hogwarts Legacy and decided to see if anyone had created sexy mods for the game (of course, they have). Didn't download them, but that's like an alcoholic saying he didn't take a drink: he just went to the store and looked at the bottles.
The positive is that I realized what I was doing and closed the tab.
The positive is that I realized what I was doing and closed the tab.
Percival
Active Member
Just got back from a week of vacation to the Lake Michigan beach. I was puzzled that my eyes weren't really drawn to the bathing beauties, not like I expected. Maybe I've gotten a handle on the lustful cravings, or maybe because we'd had sex recently, or maybe my testosterone levels are (finally!) dropping. But though I did notice them, it wasn't hard not to surreptitiously ogle.
Now I'm back at work, where ironically the pull of women made of pixels is a bit stronger than the real thing. This is my reminder to myself, and accountableness to you all, to keep the looking in check.
Now I'm back at work, where ironically the pull of women made of pixels is a bit stronger than the real thing. This is my reminder to myself, and accountableness to you all, to keep the looking in check.
Percival
Active Member
Yesterday I wandered off the reservation. Fully knowing what I was doing but looking anyway, even "look more before you have to stop!".
The positive is that usually when this happens, it goes on for weeks of progressively sliding farther down the hole until I can't possibly deny that I'm looking at porn and I realize that I have to take serious action and start posting here again. This time only one day.
Persevering for the long, long run.
The positive is that usually when this happens, it goes on for weeks of progressively sliding farther down the hole until I can't possibly deny that I'm looking at porn and I realize that I have to take serious action and start posting here again. This time only one day.
Persevering for the long, long run.
Percival
Active Member
And Wednesday was better than Tuesday. But I'm holding myself to being completely honest, and I did some looking. As usual, nothing else is quite as appealing. What I should do today is post here in the afternoon, or whenever I feel the need, instead of looking up whatever sexy idea has entered my mind.
Good idea. It’s all about creating a new brain pathway with a different habit.
Percival
Active Member
Thanks @Androg. I wish those new pathways would stick better! I know, I know, they will, but they require discipline to maintain, whereas the porn habit is just the path of least resistance.
Yesterday was pretty good: reviewing my Internet history, I only see one problem, and that was pretty minor. Even in the afternoon I wasn't looking for porn, or porn-like things, as a distraction. And, as I said earlier, usually these slides go on for weeks: this time I'm taking it more seriously and not making as many excuses.
Yesterday was pretty good: reviewing my Internet history, I only see one problem, and that was pretty minor. Even in the afternoon I wasn't looking for porn, or porn-like things, as a distraction. And, as I said earlier, usually these slides go on for weeks: this time I'm taking it more seriously and not making as many excuses.
GBS
Respected Member
Hi @Percival - the brain pathway understanding, I think, is the central pillar to recovery. If one doesn’t acknowledge that the brain needs changing then we just give in to temptation and relapse because it’s too hard not to. But when it gets difficult, and we all know it does, we need to see the temptation for what it is. The brain is screaming at us to go down the path that is slightly closing up. The brain is saying “what the hell are you doing resisting. You always go down this path. Come on let’s go down it again. You enjoy the path. Come on.” And right there you have the choice, but you make the choice understanding what’s going on in your head. It’s really difficult, but it’s so satisfying going toe to toe with your brain. You can beat it.
Percival
Active Member
@Androg thanks! That moment of choice is the hard part: choosing to make the choice. And then sticking to it: there have certainly been times when I chose not to look, and then changed my mind five minutes later.
The weekend went pretty well. Now I plan to take the temptation seriously this week and make the choice to look at other things.
The weekend went pretty well. Now I plan to take the temptation seriously this week and make the choice to look at other things.
Percival
Active Member
I stayed home sick yesterday afternoon: that used to be a kind of trigger to me: no motivation to do anything useful and usually alone to boot. But it didn't even occur to me yesterday, although I did cross a yellow line just before bed. That's also a hard time: willpower is low at the end of the day, and sex doesn't happen as often as I'd like. But as you say @Androg, crossing yellow lines doesn't help any: just like scratching a mosquito bite feels good for a moment but only makes it worse.
Percival
Active Member
Thanks, @GBS. Just part of life, I guess.
Yesterday was pretty bumpy, and I need to refocus today. Some days I don't have much motivation for doing the right thing, especially if I've been away from porn for a while. Like soldiers who are tired of war and just want to go home, but it's not over yet so you have to keep going. I keep persevering, even with the setbacks. And---to take the long view---I'm still doing much better than I was a couple years ago.
Yesterday was pretty bumpy, and I need to refocus today. Some days I don't have much motivation for doing the right thing, especially if I've been away from porn for a while. Like soldiers who are tired of war and just want to go home, but it's not over yet so you have to keep going. I keep persevering, even with the setbacks. And---to take the long view---I'm still doing much better than I was a couple years ago.
Percival
Active Member
Last week was difficult, and I didn't do very well. I don't know that there was any particular trigger, but as I said earlier, eventually there comes a point where I'm just tired of constant vigilance and then it doesn't take much for temptation to win. But I like myself better when I'm not looking at porn. Never surrender, no matter how many times you beaten.
EDIT: I forgot to mention that past me did a great job setting up porn blockers on my router. I admit I was actively searching for porn, yet the blocks didn't let me actually get to it. I am ashamed that I was searching, but glad I successfully blocked myself.
EDIT: I forgot to mention that past me did a great job setting up porn blockers on my router. I admit I was actively searching for porn, yet the blocks didn't let me actually get to it. I am ashamed that I was searching, but glad I successfully blocked myself.
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Percival
Active Member
The last couple of weeks have been quite a roller-coaster. It started with some major workplace drama---not related to this, thankfully---that had me so upset that I did nothing but work, while at work, for two weeks, and had zero interest in porn. The drama has settled down, or I'm handling it better, and the normal side of me has returned, only I'm finding it difficult to care. And if I don't care, then I might as well look, and I've done a lot of looking.
I don't feel tremendously guilty, like I usually do, and I don't know why. Nevertheless, I'm not impressed with myself and I want to stop that behavior. Thanks to anyone who reads this for letting me be accountable to you.
I don't feel tremendously guilty, like I usually do, and I don't know why. Nevertheless, I'm not impressed with myself and I want to stop that behavior. Thanks to anyone who reads this for letting me be accountable to you.