The clean journey

[Percival]

Percival: I notice that much of your posts centre around the temptation or avoidance of peeking at nudes / sexy images, etc. While keeping a record of your progress on that front is good, what if you were to add a layer of something else, such as an activity you like doing, and measure its progress in tandem?

I hope this didn't come off the wrong way. It's just that through the years I spent reading posts on this or other similar forums, the common thread that seems to emerge from those who successfully quit the addiction and move on are those who seriously dug into an activity or project. For example, some people ended up picking a new sport and became very good at it... others started a new business (!!), and yet others reoriented their careers in a new direction, etc. These examples sound grandiose... but I believe that starting out small might actually be the best approach... and then in time decide whether to fully commit to it or try again with something new.

Not at all, and I appreciate it! Replacing bad habits with good habits is always much better than just not doing the bad habit.

The frustrating thing to me, about porn (well, one of the many things) is that it is so easy: it's free, it's easily-accessible, and it's always interesting. It's hard to find hobbies that are also all three.

But yes: I started watching the World War Two channel on YouTube back on June 6 and that was very helpful: hard to think about porn when you're thinking about something else entirely. Perhaps I should start journaling what I did instead of porn, instead of just whether I looked or didn't.

 

[Androg]

At first, nothing will compete with porn...because of the wiring of your brain. But if you stay away from it and move to other things exclusively, they will gradually register as more rewarding.

It's like switching your diet to something healthier. At first it may be as satisfying as sawdust...but if you stay with it, you'll find your reward system will start to look forward to healthy foods and be less tempted (or find less satisfying) junkier food.

You just have to power through the adjustment period where your brain keeps telling you how "valuable" the missing form of stimulation is. Make your evaluation with your rational brain, not your subconscious appetite signals.

 

[Percival]

Yesterday was good. I watched that WW2 documentary I mentioned whenever I had a few minutes and generally stayed focused on work.

Eldest son asked me to go bike riding this morning with him, before work. I was reluctant but I did, and am surprised how much better I feel now. Everyone says that about exercise but I haven't really experienced it before myself.

 

[Percival]

The weekend went well. Worked on my bedroom remodel project and spent a lot of one-on-one time with my youngest daughter (because she was sick and so I stayed home from church with her) which always makes for a good day.

If and when I need distraction today, I still have plenty of D-Day documentary to watch.

 

[Percival]

Short on sleep yesterday (and today) which has sometimes been a catalyst: less willpower when you're tired. But the longer I focus on other things, the less porn is even a temptation, although I'm still being careful with what I incidentally see.

Took a walk with my oldest daughter after work yesterday and enjoyed discussing high school and college plans with her.

 

[Simon2]

It sounds like you are very mindful in finding ways to avoid the traps. That's great! I often contemplate how my family seems like a burden when I want to just have my time with P ("can't she go away already and leave me in the office alone?" etc). Then, when I'm clean, I can actually appreciate my time with them instead, which makes it easier to resist...

 

[Percival]

Thanks @Simon2! Bitter experience has taught be to be mindful. Yes, I completely understand the feeling of wanting your family to just leave you alone.

Temptation is less, and I feel like I'm more aware that the addiction is not over. Other times that I have successfully gotten clean for a significant time, I've been more casual about it, more willing to excuse minor slipups.

 

[Percival]

Nothing particular to say today but I enjoyed reviewing yesterday's Internet history: Amazon and LLBean searches that don't involve sexy things.

 

[Percival]

I don't know how many days it's been now, but I'm still doing pretty well at being aware and not letting myself cheat. That's always been the downfall of long streaks before.

My wife and I had time together yesterday afternoon, the scheduled time we usually have on Sunday afternoons. I enjoyed it, but somehow I wasn't as in to it as usual, though I can't figure out why. It certainly wasn't her fault: she was more enthusiastic than usual, actually. Maybe not enough personal intimacy: It's really hard to have time to talk as husband and wife when you're busy working and raising kids and all that life entails. Or maybe I'm getting old enough that the craving is start to diminish (thank goodness, if so!). Anyway, I'm glad I didn't try to fill any voids with porn.

 

[Percival]

Tuesday and Wednesday both went well. Of course, with the holiday yesterday there wasn't much opportunity but that hasn't always stopped me before. I'm glad to discover that whatever led to me being less interested earlier is not permanent: I am, in fact, still very interested.

I feel pretty...normal. When I see a beautiful woman, in person or on screen, I notice her. I don't immediately start thinking about getting online and looking up more.

 

[Percival]

Nothing much to report. I saw a Paige Spiranic article on Fox News about her 4th of July bikini and checked it out, because, well, bikini. But then I went on with life and didn't spend 30+ minutes looking up more pictures of her. I think that's about where I should be.

 

[Percival]

Checking in because when I don't I start sliding. It's going pretty well: amazing how I'm just really not much tempted once I get out of the habit. I'm sure it helps that I am now working 100% remote: my previous job was in higher ed and there were certainly times that the co-eds were very distracting. I used to think that was a perk of working on-campus but eventually, reluctantly, decided it was not. Not really, not for me.

 

[Percival]

Yesterday went well. Today my wife and kids are leaving for a family reunion with her side and will be gone for 4 days while I stay home to work and take care of the farm animals. In times past I would be afraid of that other part of myself getting control and bingeing. That can still happen, which is why I'm posting about it, but I'm not too worried.

There won't be too much time for wandering eyes anyway; I'm planning to work in the evenings on my remodel project, since I'll have more time. Idle hands really are the devil's workshop.

 

[Androg]

Keep posting. We'll help.

 

[Percival]

Thanks @Androg. I didn't even get on the computer last night: not by resisting temptation, though. I just didn't. Didn't do any remodeling but I spent all the post-dinner time picking everything up and putting it away, so I can enjoy a clean and organized house for a few days. Tonight I should be able to start painting the floor.

 

[Percival]

Haven't looked at any porn or even done any kind of search for something sexy, but I have thought about it some. But I haven't. Last night I did start painting the floor, and I was happy to get into bed and think about the productive time I spent and work I got done.

 

[Percival]

Thanks to everyone who commented while I was home by myself for a couple of days. I'm very proud of myself, not only for what I didn't do, but for the productive work I accomplished instead.

I've lost track of how many days it's been, which is fine with me: I want to focus on what I am doing, not what I'm not doing. It's been a couple of weeks, anyway.

 

[Percival]

Checking back in again: doing pretty well. Some minor drama at work this morning, which is depressing me. I briefly considered scrolling through Facebook: many of their suggested posts feature almost-naked women, but since I'm sort of "accidentally" seeing them it kind of doesn't count. But I realized it wouldn't be accidental and I chose to just go on with life.

 

[Androg]

Sorry to hear about the work drama. Some turbulence seems to be inevitable. Glad you were able to hold it together!

 

[Percival]

Looking at porn---or even just sexy women---for me is pretty much the same as an alcoholic having a drink when sad or depressed or angry or whatever. It helps to cope and distract. But, using porn to deal with one problem just creates another, bigger, problem.