Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Relapsed again yesterday... About 4 PMOs or how many they was...
Escape and never come back
- Thread starter Escapeandnevercomeback
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Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 2
This fuckin porn addiction has complete control over my head. I think about porn all the time, I wake up to porn every fuckin day. I am the ultimate slave to porn, failing to escape for more than 10 years.
This fuckin porn addiction has complete control over my head. I think about porn all the time, I wake up to porn every fuckin day. I am the ultimate slave to porn, failing to escape for more than 10 years.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Day 3
Struggled big time today... I was tempted a lot to do it.
9 days sober. Struggling with this too.
Struggled big time today... I was tempted a lot to do it.
9 days sober. Struggling with this too.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I am not gon lie, I've been pretty depressed for a while. Getting out of bed every day is a chore. I don't feel any good feeling, only depression and anxiety. Recovery's been shit, short streaks, very disappointing and depressing. I'm also pretty stressed with work. Craving for PMO and alcohol have gone way the fuck up as a result. In those conditions, it's a miracle that I can avoid every day relapses. I'm not really that motivated to do it given the fact that it's painful to even maintain myself on the tightrope. Sometimes I have this feeling that I want to fall all the way down.
forceisstrong2
Active Member
Get help. You can quit but you need help to quit porn and get off booze.
This cycle of abstain from porn and then relapse after a few days must begin to feel like a treadmill.
You can break the chain. But you need help and you need to start taking some positive steps towards recovery.
Your choice
This cycle of abstain from porn and then relapse after a few days must begin to feel like a treadmill.
You can break the chain. But you need help and you need to start taking some positive steps towards recovery.
Your choice
forceisstrong2
Active Member
Hey man
Just checking in. Hope you are doing well. You will always get support/have support on here bro. Keep fighting the good fight.
Just checking in. Hope you are doing well. You will always get support/have support on here bro. Keep fighting the good fight.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Thanks man. I appreciate the support.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I haven't posted here in a while because I am honestly tired to write the same bullshit. I wanted to write some progress here but I'm not doing that well, I'm struggling. It's been only 3 days since last session...
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I have 4 days clean and I don't remember when it happened last time. As for now I feel like shit. I have the symptoms that you read when you search for low dopamine. I just try to tell myself that it will change. I'm definitely not motivated to do this, it just feels easier to have another PMO than to do this. I've been feeling low for months. Binging PMO with streaks that didn't exceed 3 days. Most of the time it was every day or every other day. I'm super depressed and have been for a while.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Forget it. After an hour of writing that I relapsed...
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
The ridiculousness of all this shit is that you know it's going to make you feel worse but you want the "break". You choose the whatever time you spent with porn for a break from this stupid life only to come out of it feeling worse.
the_badger
Member
Good to see you back! Also, sorry you're not doing well.
Honestly, I think you should stop trying to quit porn and alcohol for the near future and instead focus on the underlying issue. I am sure the addictions are symptoms and not the core problem.
This doesn't mean, that you should mindlessly binge open end, but trying to keep it at bay while not worrying about it too much and kind of accept, that you are not in the place to quit right now.
Instead, focus your willpower and all your energy at things that you can improve. SLOWLY, over time, putting in constant effort. No matter how small the energy is you can invest right now, if you focus it on the right issues, things can improve slowly and gradually.
I really think you have to get back to therapy. Check out three therapists and chose the one you feel most comfortable with and STICK WITH IT for at least half a year. That's how I did it. I am pretty sure you will need more than half a year of therapy. But as a start, just set yourself the goal to not quit for at least 6 months. By that time you should definitely feel some positive improvements.
And please don't overthink the kind of therapist you think you need. I remember you wrote about some guy and said something like "if I do therapy, that's the only kind of therapy I want to engage in". This will just complicate things unnecessary and you will most probably never start, because it's too hard to find the perfect kind of therapist.
Also I am 100% sure, that some kind of stationary rehab/therapy for 6 or 8 weeks would be extremely beneficial for you. Getting out of your system and your routines, connecting with new people and spending a dedicated time just for your (mental) health should really help to break self destructive behavioural patterns. A friend of mine went on an 8 week "psychological" rehab and it worked wonders for him. I myself went on rehab for 6 weeks (because of my Long Covid issues) including psychotherapy and it was great.
I know, you might think "that's impossible, I will loose my job" or something like that. I thought so too. I don't know, of course, how the circumstances are where you live, but if there is a decent health care system, there are usually ways. Maybe a therapist can help you work out your options.
Also, I have to admit, I am no big fan of "David Goggins". As I know you are. Which is ok of course. I was extremely impressed by his mindset and everything he achieved, as well. How could I not be. I just think, his "brute force" way won't work for 99.9999999% of people. You tried this approach for years and it did not get you anywhere. So I think it's time to drop it.
His approach focuses on overcoming everything by yourself, and self hate and contempt if you can't do it. That alone is no healthy attitude in my opinion.
Giving up some responsibility to an expert (therapist) can be a great relief. You will have to do the hard work yourself still, anyway. But accepting guidance and trusting the lead of a therapist is the only way to go. Just as you would trust a doctor if you break your leg and not try to fix it yourself.
Apart from therapy (most important!) I really think meditation could help as well. And/or breath work, yoga nidra, mindfulness in general. Things that can help you to accept yourself as you are and acknowledge your struggles. To love yourself despite your shortcomings.
I remember when I started with rebooting, I read, how it's important to be strict and honest with yourself, but not dwell on mistakes and despise yourself if you fail. I never knew how to do that. How to find that fine line. Now I know, this is mainly about accepting yourself including all your flaws, that seem so gigantic - but usually only to yourself. Meditation was the only thing that helped me to get that right.
I can recommend the book "Breath" by James Nestor as a start, to realise how important and powerful things like breath work can be.
So, instead of putting all your energy in "staying away from porn/alcohol", try to focus on small positive habits, that will lead to improvements over time. This will be not easy as well. Because on many many days it will just suck and you might feel no improvement over time. You will need all the willpower you have to keep the small habit going. When I started meditation, I promised myself to do at least 10min everyday. Ideally 20. But no matter how late and wasted I came home from work or from wherever, regardless If I was absolutely pissed about everything or even drunk, I forced myself to sit down and meditate for 10 minutes for more than 3 months. I have times when I drop meditation for a few days or even weeks. But the habit is formed and I will always go back to it. For me, it makes everything easier.
I've been following your journal for a long time. And I know that you put A LOT of effort into this. I hope you can channel your energy in the right direction one day. Because if you do, I am sure you will succeed.
Sorry for the wall of text.
All the best and you are not alone in this!
Honestly, I think you should stop trying to quit porn and alcohol for the near future and instead focus on the underlying issue. I am sure the addictions are symptoms and not the core problem.
This doesn't mean, that you should mindlessly binge open end, but trying to keep it at bay while not worrying about it too much and kind of accept, that you are not in the place to quit right now.
Instead, focus your willpower and all your energy at things that you can improve. SLOWLY, over time, putting in constant effort. No matter how small the energy is you can invest right now, if you focus it on the right issues, things can improve slowly and gradually.
I really think you have to get back to therapy. Check out three therapists and chose the one you feel most comfortable with and STICK WITH IT for at least half a year. That's how I did it. I am pretty sure you will need more than half a year of therapy. But as a start, just set yourself the goal to not quit for at least 6 months. By that time you should definitely feel some positive improvements.
And please don't overthink the kind of therapist you think you need. I remember you wrote about some guy and said something like "if I do therapy, that's the only kind of therapy I want to engage in". This will just complicate things unnecessary and you will most probably never start, because it's too hard to find the perfect kind of therapist.
Also I am 100% sure, that some kind of stationary rehab/therapy for 6 or 8 weeks would be extremely beneficial for you. Getting out of your system and your routines, connecting with new people and spending a dedicated time just for your (mental) health should really help to break self destructive behavioural patterns. A friend of mine went on an 8 week "psychological" rehab and it worked wonders for him. I myself went on rehab for 6 weeks (because of my Long Covid issues) including psychotherapy and it was great.
I know, you might think "that's impossible, I will loose my job" or something like that. I thought so too. I don't know, of course, how the circumstances are where you live, but if there is a decent health care system, there are usually ways. Maybe a therapist can help you work out your options.
Also, I have to admit, I am no big fan of "David Goggins". As I know you are. Which is ok of course. I was extremely impressed by his mindset and everything he achieved, as well. How could I not be. I just think, his "brute force" way won't work for 99.9999999% of people. You tried this approach for years and it did not get you anywhere. So I think it's time to drop it.
His approach focuses on overcoming everything by yourself, and self hate and contempt if you can't do it. That alone is no healthy attitude in my opinion.
Giving up some responsibility to an expert (therapist) can be a great relief. You will have to do the hard work yourself still, anyway. But accepting guidance and trusting the lead of a therapist is the only way to go. Just as you would trust a doctor if you break your leg and not try to fix it yourself.
Apart from therapy (most important!) I really think meditation could help as well. And/or breath work, yoga nidra, mindfulness in general. Things that can help you to accept yourself as you are and acknowledge your struggles. To love yourself despite your shortcomings.
I remember when I started with rebooting, I read, how it's important to be strict and honest with yourself, but not dwell on mistakes and despise yourself if you fail. I never knew how to do that. How to find that fine line. Now I know, this is mainly about accepting yourself including all your flaws, that seem so gigantic - but usually only to yourself. Meditation was the only thing that helped me to get that right.
I can recommend the book "Breath" by James Nestor as a start, to realise how important and powerful things like breath work can be.
So, instead of putting all your energy in "staying away from porn/alcohol", try to focus on small positive habits, that will lead to improvements over time. This will be not easy as well. Because on many many days it will just suck and you might feel no improvement over time. You will need all the willpower you have to keep the small habit going. When I started meditation, I promised myself to do at least 10min everyday. Ideally 20. But no matter how late and wasted I came home from work or from wherever, regardless If I was absolutely pissed about everything or even drunk, I forced myself to sit down and meditate for 10 minutes for more than 3 months. I have times when I drop meditation for a few days or even weeks. But the habit is formed and I will always go back to it. For me, it makes everything easier.
I've been following your journal for a long time. And I know that you put A LOT of effort into this. I hope you can channel your energy in the right direction one day. Because if you do, I am sure you will succeed.
Sorry for the wall of text.
All the best and you are not alone in this!
Last edited:
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
@the_badger Hey man, thanks for the advice and support. It's not a long post. Sometimes you can't give advice in 2-3 sentences. I've read what you said when I was at work, back to back twice, and I thought about it. I'm going to address some of the things you've said. My post is also probably going to be long.
You are absolutely right with this one, there is no other way than to admit it. Addictions are indeed most of the time (if not really all the time) the symptoms of something else, the way we try to treat our problem (problems). It's no different with me. I know for a fact that porn and alcohol came into my life as an attempt to cope with my life. I hear what you're saying, that it might be a better idea to stop focusing on quitting but focus on healing my issues. This should translate to a better quitting later, or so I hope. It's just that I was bummed to admit that I couldn't quit, that I couldn't get a long streak like some people around here. It was painful to admit that maybe I was not there yet. But I'm pretty sure I've said it in some post here after a relapse, that I didn't think I could quit the way I was at the time. I don't think either that I can quit the way I am now. I need to address my mental health. And trauma. I definitely fit into CPTSD, or at least it describes me, after investigating that it sounded too familiar. The symptoms definitely describe me.
It will be indeed "an effort" to do it because this is how I feel, I feel like I have this small bag of energy left, I'm definitely exhausted, I feel low, depressed, I'm not really that motivated to make moves but I guess this makes it even more crucial to invest this small bag into something that matters.
You're probably right, man. I've checked out of therapy too fast. The thing is, I didn't feel like the therapist I was going to was right for me and then I stopped all together, I should've tried to find someone else. But the truth is, I have too little experience with therapy to know what kind of therapist I even need, to be honest. I guess only by trial and error I could see who's right. It is what it is, it might suck to have to bounce between several therapists but I guess this can't happen overnight, it's not something fast, it might need time. But you also might have the luck to find someone right quicker. You never know. I definitely need to address my CPTSD and mental health and I have to admit I can't (don't know) how to do it by myself. If I knew, I would've done it already but it's been years, I need to stop being stubborn and agree with the fact.
Well, the truth is, I was thinking about something like this not too long ago. I am stressed out with my work since I got promoted and (as it usually happens) given more responsibility. And given the fact that my mental health has been shit, I started feeling overwhelmed about everything that I even said I wanted to take like a month off and go somewhere to chill, somewhere away from my life, from screens, from work. I was even thinking to find a monastery (as I'm Christian) where to spend a month with no phone and no computer. Something like this should definitely help because, even though you are technically able to jerk off from flashbacks etc. It's not the same with watching and maybe you can do it less? But anyway, a place that also offers stuff like therapy is probably even better. I actually know of one or two places like that and they are in different cities from where I live, which is good because it fits into "Away from my life" idea. But I didn't do it because of "Nah, man, I actually don't need that, I can do it myself" mentality.
Well, the thing is, David Goggins emerged into the mainstream and started talking about crazy things he'd done. That was his way to cope with his demons but you're right, that's not for 99% of the people and I hope people are not trying to emulate extreme things like that. However, I don't think I've heard David encouraging people to do things like that. And I've watched almost everything there is with him. I don't think I've heard him say stuff like: "If you quit, you're a pussy, you need to keep going even if you are on the verge of dying." That's something he would do. It's always best to extract what's useful. Something like: "Okay, I'm not actually going to try to join Navy Seals or run 100 miles races every week or try to beat the pull up record and probably end up in emergency room during the process but I've heard David saying that I could get up from the coach today and move, I've heard David say I'm not even at 40% of the potential I have, and it doesn't have to be about exercise or physical activities, but 40% in general so I guess there is nothing wrong with listening to him saying that." This 40% could even be not even being at 40% of all the potential or all the things I have to do to heal the trauma, the mental health and ultimately quit my addictions. You can get what's useful for you in all this.
However, what I don't like about David Goggins is all the "grind alone, you don't need anybody" mentality. I don't think we can do it alone. Maybe he can but he is him, we do we and I feel like the majority of people with issues need people. That's why we have the 12 steps groups, that why we've gathered here. Reboot Nation has probably been the first place for many of us where we admitted we had a problem. I know I did. This is the first place where I said I was a porn addict. I think I've been on RN for 6 years now. I've been here since the old website. The thing is, as much as we want to feel good about being able to achieve sobriety alone, chances are that many of us have been at it for years and if we are still not done with it, probably we need people. Otherwise, we would've done it in solitude and then come here and declare: "I'm done. I grinded alone for a while but now I'm done with porn." How many of us could say that after trying to quit alone? I'm bummed that there is no physical sex addiction and/or porn addiction group where I live because I would like to try that. I've found one but it is in a far away city and the idea with the meetings is not that you attend for a month then leave, it's not detox. The idea is to go regularly and I wouldn't be able to do it as I don't live there. So, yes, like you've said, some treatment center, retreat, therapy center etc. could help if you do it even for a month, away from your life and focused on what goes on there.
I think this is it for now.
P.S: I probably should look into this meditation thing.
You are absolutely right with this one, there is no other way than to admit it. Addictions are indeed most of the time (if not really all the time) the symptoms of something else, the way we try to treat our problem (problems). It's no different with me. I know for a fact that porn and alcohol came into my life as an attempt to cope with my life. I hear what you're saying, that it might be a better idea to stop focusing on quitting but focus on healing my issues. This should translate to a better quitting later, or so I hope. It's just that I was bummed to admit that I couldn't quit, that I couldn't get a long streak like some people around here. It was painful to admit that maybe I was not there yet. But I'm pretty sure I've said it in some post here after a relapse, that I didn't think I could quit the way I was at the time. I don't think either that I can quit the way I am now. I need to address my mental health. And trauma. I definitely fit into CPTSD, or at least it describes me, after investigating that it sounded too familiar. The symptoms definitely describe me.
It will be indeed "an effort" to do it because this is how I feel, I feel like I have this small bag of energy left, I'm definitely exhausted, I feel low, depressed, I'm not really that motivated to make moves but I guess this makes it even more crucial to invest this small bag into something that matters.
You're probably right, man. I've checked out of therapy too fast. The thing is, I didn't feel like the therapist I was going to was right for me and then I stopped all together, I should've tried to find someone else. But the truth is, I have too little experience with therapy to know what kind of therapist I even need, to be honest. I guess only by trial and error I could see who's right. It is what it is, it might suck to have to bounce between several therapists but I guess this can't happen overnight, it's not something fast, it might need time. But you also might have the luck to find someone right quicker. You never know. I definitely need to address my CPTSD and mental health and I have to admit I can't (don't know) how to do it by myself. If I knew, I would've done it already but it's been years, I need to stop being stubborn and agree with the fact.
Well, the truth is, I was thinking about something like this not too long ago. I am stressed out with my work since I got promoted and (as it usually happens) given more responsibility. And given the fact that my mental health has been shit, I started feeling overwhelmed about everything that I even said I wanted to take like a month off and go somewhere to chill, somewhere away from my life, from screens, from work. I was even thinking to find a monastery (as I'm Christian) where to spend a month with no phone and no computer. Something like this should definitely help because, even though you are technically able to jerk off from flashbacks etc. It's not the same with watching and maybe you can do it less? But anyway, a place that also offers stuff like therapy is probably even better. I actually know of one or two places like that and they are in different cities from where I live, which is good because it fits into "Away from my life" idea. But I didn't do it because of "Nah, man, I actually don't need that, I can do it myself" mentality.
Well, the thing is, David Goggins emerged into the mainstream and started talking about crazy things he'd done. That was his way to cope with his demons but you're right, that's not for 99% of the people and I hope people are not trying to emulate extreme things like that. However, I don't think I've heard David encouraging people to do things like that. And I've watched almost everything there is with him. I don't think I've heard him say stuff like: "If you quit, you're a pussy, you need to keep going even if you are on the verge of dying." That's something he would do. It's always best to extract what's useful. Something like: "Okay, I'm not actually going to try to join Navy Seals or run 100 miles races every week or try to beat the pull up record and probably end up in emergency room during the process but I've heard David saying that I could get up from the coach today and move, I've heard David say I'm not even at 40% of the potential I have, and it doesn't have to be about exercise or physical activities, but 40% in general so I guess there is nothing wrong with listening to him saying that." This 40% could even be not even being at 40% of all the potential or all the things I have to do to heal the trauma, the mental health and ultimately quit my addictions. You can get what's useful for you in all this.
However, what I don't like about David Goggins is all the "grind alone, you don't need anybody" mentality. I don't think we can do it alone. Maybe he can but he is him, we do we and I feel like the majority of people with issues need people. That's why we have the 12 steps groups, that why we've gathered here. Reboot Nation has probably been the first place for many of us where we admitted we had a problem. I know I did. This is the first place where I said I was a porn addict. I think I've been on RN for 6 years now. I've been here since the old website. The thing is, as much as we want to feel good about being able to achieve sobriety alone, chances are that many of us have been at it for years and if we are still not done with it, probably we need people. Otherwise, we would've done it in solitude and then come here and declare: "I'm done. I grinded alone for a while but now I'm done with porn." How many of us could say that after trying to quit alone? I'm bummed that there is no physical sex addiction and/or porn addiction group where I live because I would like to try that. I've found one but it is in a far away city and the idea with the meetings is not that you attend for a month then leave, it's not detox. The idea is to go regularly and I wouldn't be able to do it as I don't live there. So, yes, like you've said, some treatment center, retreat, therapy center etc. could help if you do it even for a month, away from your life and focused on what goes on there.
I think this is it for now.
P.S: I probably should look into this meditation thing.
the_badger
Member
That sucks of course. But, in all honesty - there are A LOT of people on the forum who struggle to quit and to get very long streaks. Most of them just vanish again. I am one of them. I mean, I had a few great runs in the past, even made it to 90 days once. But unlike you, who keeps posting and trying almost constantly, I usually go silent for long periods of time, when I feel like I can't put the necessary effort in. For me this is ok. I need to have times to relax, get my mind off of rebooting sometimes. But the really important thing for me is, that I keep up my good habits that I implemented in connection with rebooting efforts. Like meditation. Also cold showers. (Can't do them anymore unfortunately due to LongCovid, but I hope I can again one day.) So my big goal is of course still, to get completely free of PMO, but despite failing that for now, I have improved a lot in the past years. I am not spiralling out of control like I used to. I don't get lost in depression anymore. When I use P, I use it much less than I used to. And when I have really bad times, I am aware they will pass, just like the great times pass unfortunately. But I don't get lost in emotion and worry for too long like I did years ago.
But back to what I wanted to say in the first place: you are not worse or weaker than the rest of us on here. Sure, there are a few inspiring shining examples like Blondie and GBS who obviously figured it out already. We should take them as inspiration without beating ourselves up, because we are not there yet. Most of us are still struggling. The important thing is, to focus on the small but positive habits that can improve our life slowly but steadily, while we keep failing in terms of the big goal.
I know, if said that already. But I feel like I can't stress it enough. Because that's what you have to do yourself as well. And what I am doing for myself again and again. Reminding me, how important meditation and mindfulness are for me, to not loose my way. Especially in the good times, when I feel like I have everything under control, and that I can finally do this, I have to remind myself that times of worry and great self doubt will come again. I still enjoy the good times of course. But being aware that they will pass, makes it easier when hard days finally take over.
When I have too little energy to improve anything and get anything done, I try to not worry about relapses. To not beat myself up even more. Because this just keeps drawing more energy. Instead I think about, what I want to concentrate on as soon as I feel like getting better. And often, this is not to start the next "big hopefully final streak", but to achieve some specific task which I most probably postponed for a while. (Like finding a therapist, attending a self help group, opening up to a friend, starting a new habit (journaling or positive affirmations are on my list)).
Also, I try not to do too much at the same time. Building a new habit takes months, sometimes years. Sure, you can start with mediation AND do journaling AND start cold showers. But you need to decide for one thing, that you will keep up, no matter what happens. No matter how low you feel, you can drop the others if you need to, but not the one you defined as your priority.
That's great! Do it! You absolutely have to! A monastery could be great as well. And extended time off screens and internet would sured be helpful. But If you already know one or two places you could go to including therapy, that's what you should make your nr 1 priority for as soon as you feel a bit better again.
This will also help to get to know therapy a bit and will should it easier to find a good and fitting therapist afterwords. (Even though I think, the kind of therapist is not the most important thing. But that you feel comfortable with him, the he (or she) does not talk too much or interrupt you often. I think a good therapist doesn't talk much. He just interrupts if necessary and from time to time he adds something important and you really fell like "wow, that was the missing hint I needed to understand".)
I have to pick on this one! Because I truly think, that this is why listening to too much David Goggins is not good for you (and for most people). Even if you say - rightfully - that you can take from it what will help you and discard the rest, it shapes your subconscious thinking. You will still compare yourself to the 0.0001% overachievers and superhuman and part of you wants to be like them. Part of you thinks you should be like them. And be strong enough to overcome everything by yourself. You can't help it, because it's there in your subconsciousness.
I am in general not a fan of the "extreme optimisation of oneself and performance enhancement".
I, for example, liked to listen to Andrew Huberman. But at some point, I fell like it's way too much of improvement and selfoptimization just for the sake of it. For me this is like late stage capitalism applied to the human body itself. Just like we were machines. And it is exploiting ourself just to do more, faster, better for as many hours of the day as possible. But to what end? Challenging yourself and improving are great things. But relaxing, recharging, being kind to yourself are as important and necessary. Constantly pushing for more will not lead to happiness and fulfilment. To me it's another kind of distraction. The extreme opposite of constantly watching tv, porn or playing video games, as in being active and achieving permanently. But still, without enough reflection and "non doing" it's another kind of distraction. Because as long as you are busy, you don't have to think about things.
For most of my life I have very much admired successful people and over achievers. And I definately wanted to be one of them. (Admired by others.) But when I think about people who seem to be really content with themselves and happy with their lives, it's others that come to my mind. People who are not special in any way, who are not hustling, but have a certain balance.
I feel like I got lost a bit with that paragraph. Not sure how to resolve... (English is not my first language, so sometimes I struggle to find the right words.) But I'll just leave it like that and hope you can make something of it
Back to this once more: you have to get yourself to a point where you are more opportunistic (taking every help you can get to make things easier) and less idealistic (wanting to do everything by yourself and being proud of it).
I am very much like that too often as well. But I try not to be. But often when I do something, I want to do it as good as possible and ideally all by myself. Otherwise I didn't prove myself. But 99% of time you will not get credit for having done all by yourself. It wont matter in the end.
So when you can get help - take it. When there is medicine that can help you - use it. Ideally not forever and maybe not if there are severe side effects. But if it can help you to improve to a higher level - you have to try it. Because that's what's really important: to get where we want to get. Not how we got there.
On the one hand I would love to discuss more about David Goggins, also what you wrote in your answer. But maybe I don't know enough about him. And also right now I'm too exhausted already from writing, but I might pick up on it again some time in the future
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
@the_badger Hey man, what's up?
Good points, man. I've been thinking about what you wrote there. You're right, I need to be a little bit "selfish" and pick up all the help I could get because right now I don't have better options. The "do it by myself" thing is over, it's clear it won't work. Like I used to say, many recovery environments deal with this idea of "you need people". 12 steps groups, church, therapy, centers etc. They all stress this idea of needing people, you can't do it by yourself. Are there people who can? Yes. But they are not the majority.
Which leads to David Goggins, right? He likes to emphasis this idea of do it alone, grind alone, you don't need them. But this is something I don't really like. Maybe it works for him. I mean, maybe this is his way but you're right, it won't work for 99 percent of regular people. That's his way of dealing with his demons. He stops that and the demons take over.
You said this and I agree with it. David probably won't. I don't picture David Goggins doing that. He keeps pushing himself. You go to his instagram and you see another short video with him on the way of running 100 miles in the snow.
The thing is, I am not the kind to do those things. I am not going to wake up at 4 AM, run some miles/kilometers then go to morning shift at work then come home and do 1000 pull-ups. David Goggins would do that, but that's not me and I'm sure it's not the majority of people. You need to be obsessed and I believe David Goggins is obsessed. Maybe that's why Joe Rogan likes him, because Joe Rogan used to (probably still is) obsessive like that. Before doing what he's doing, Joe Rogan used to train Martial Arts and be obsessed like that.
And yes, Huberman... You know, Huberman started off as interesting to me but at one point he kind of started being too much for me, following him started giving me this "You need to optimize" constant feeling which can quickly lead to "I'm not enough."
I don't know, I'm not at that point right now where I want to be a machine. Hell, I want to be functional first. Because things are not alright, I'm tired all the time (I guess I'm in the middle of some deep depressive episode), I binge porn and alcohol too much, I seek relief too much, my OCD got really bad since I got promoted, as well as the frequency and intensity of my panic episodes that I've been suffering for more than a decade. You're right that, even though David Goggins doesn't tell us to do extreme things like that, the fact that who follows him knows his story and what type of things he does can enter the subconscious and it could quickly turn into "I am not good enough." I see people in the comments saying stuff like: "After watching David Goggins I started running 20 miles and then hit the gym" but how many are going to keep up with this physical routine? Until they give up and feel like failures because they can't run and do pull-ups every day like Goggins. I'm trying to get what's useful from what he says, because he's been saying a lot of good things, but I wonder how much of me knowing who he is is going to affect that.
Anyway, man, I'm happy that you are a few levels up with this addiction, that things are better for you. Keep up the good work, man.
Good points, man. I've been thinking about what you wrote there. You're right, I need to be a little bit "selfish" and pick up all the help I could get because right now I don't have better options. The "do it by myself" thing is over, it's clear it won't work. Like I used to say, many recovery environments deal with this idea of "you need people". 12 steps groups, church, therapy, centers etc. They all stress this idea of needing people, you can't do it by yourself. Are there people who can? Yes. But they are not the majority.
Which leads to David Goggins, right? He likes to emphasis this idea of do it alone, grind alone, you don't need them. But this is something I don't really like. Maybe it works for him. I mean, maybe this is his way but you're right, it won't work for 99 percent of regular people. That's his way of dealing with his demons. He stops that and the demons take over.
You said this and I agree with it. David probably won't. I don't picture David Goggins doing that. He keeps pushing himself. You go to his instagram and you see another short video with him on the way of running 100 miles in the snow.
The thing is, I am not the kind to do those things. I am not going to wake up at 4 AM, run some miles/kilometers then go to morning shift at work then come home and do 1000 pull-ups. David Goggins would do that, but that's not me and I'm sure it's not the majority of people. You need to be obsessed and I believe David Goggins is obsessed. Maybe that's why Joe Rogan likes him, because Joe Rogan used to (probably still is) obsessive like that. Before doing what he's doing, Joe Rogan used to train Martial Arts and be obsessed like that.
And yes, Huberman... You know, Huberman started off as interesting to me but at one point he kind of started being too much for me, following him started giving me this "You need to optimize" constant feeling which can quickly lead to "I'm not enough."
I don't know, I'm not at that point right now where I want to be a machine. Hell, I want to be functional first. Because things are not alright, I'm tired all the time (I guess I'm in the middle of some deep depressive episode), I binge porn and alcohol too much, I seek relief too much, my OCD got really bad since I got promoted, as well as the frequency and intensity of my panic episodes that I've been suffering for more than a decade. You're right that, even though David Goggins doesn't tell us to do extreme things like that, the fact that who follows him knows his story and what type of things he does can enter the subconscious and it could quickly turn into "I am not good enough." I see people in the comments saying stuff like: "After watching David Goggins I started running 20 miles and then hit the gym" but how many are going to keep up with this physical routine? Until they give up and feel like failures because they can't run and do pull-ups every day like Goggins. I'm trying to get what's useful from what he says, because he's been saying a lot of good things, but I wonder how much of me knowing who he is is going to affect that.
Anyway, man, I'm happy that you are a few levels up with this addiction, that things are better for you. Keep up the good work, man.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
I have 4 days no PMO but why do I have this feeling that every time I come here to post a streak, I will relapse 2 hours later? But maybe not this time. I don't have any urges. I'm experiencing exactly those symptoms that people talk about when they talk about flatline. I even have this theory that "mini flatline" exists. Shorter periods of having flatline symptoms but without going for months like this. I mean, I don't want to experience this for months. It would suck big time to feel dead every day. That's how I feel. I literally have felt dead since like 2 days ago. I woke up one day after the god damn night shift (I fuckin hate night shifts) and felt completely drained.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Relapse
new reality
Active Member
Have you heard of Atomic Habits? I've got the book but haven't read a huge amount of it yet. I found this video helpful though:
Recently I made quite a lot of progress with a hobby (programming) using these kinds of ideas. Lately that habit morphed into something else which was still computing-related and interesting, then the habit disappeared more or less due to stresses and strains and distractions etc.... Time to get back into it now I think.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Yes, I've heard at least one thousand and one times about this book. Haven't read it maybe one day, I don't know. Thanks for support.
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Recovery is not going well at the moment, it hasn't been going well for a long time actually, it can't go well with how things are but my focus nowadays is into this CPTSD stuff, I've been studying it, I have this feeling that this could get me one step closer to what the fuck is going on. I hope I can make some little progress this year. Right now I'm trying to find some doctors or whatever that work especially with this so I can get some investigations.