15. Sorry another long post, felt the need to write some stuff out - tired, frustrated, conflicted, confused.
Not slept well the last few nights, but have held on. Feel tired and discouraged even though I haven't lapsed. I have slipped into a grey area again by contacting my obsession, and then the strange mix of feelings she brings. I found myself upset and angry quite late last night, and even woke up after just two hours sleep with her still on my mind so had to read for a while. Why do I keep punishing myself, I keep reaching out and getting myself upset.The main dynamic is a huge trigger - in that we seemed so perfect for each other, with unbelievable chemistry, a touch of thrills and danger too, but she wouldn't commit. This sets up a dangerous cycle of wanting her to change, wanting to become enough for her to love, which is basically the pattern with my mother all over again. I have to be honest with myself with this, she doesn't really care, and every time one of us reaches out I end up feeling hurt and triggered. And of course tempted. I think she has narcissistic tendencies, and I am really trying to shift my perspective from lust to awareness of how toxic and abusive it has been, and how dangerous this dynamic is for my wellbeing.
Obviously I should stop contact, but the simple fact she still wants to meet and play is enough to keep any boundaries I try to put in place far too fluid. I find her too alluring really, its like moth to a flame. I don't blame her, only myself. Serenity prayer. Also I know that contact with her fans the flames of what I am trying to let go of..but boy there are times I don't want to let go. In some ways she is symbolic of porn and the whole set of issues I have, a highly seductive and dangerous world, addiction, and everything I have to leave behind.
Yes ok - porn and PMO free, even MO free, and doing well with diet and food which of course are a part of it - but its 2 steps forward then a step back, I am still so drawn to women who get/share my lifelong kink, and connections where I don't have to fight with it! Some days I feel I can change it, others I feel overwhelmed by it and want to throw in the towel. It is a battle that has gone on for decades now and I am sick and tired. Another reaction is to find someone else who shares this thing, perhaps someone more loving. But no, I am going to keep trying to change it. No more victim mentality. I say that but can feel it there as I am writing. I am going to write about and visualise my ideal future, partner and sex life today. I feel frustrated with myself and angry, and need to use that to create change.
I know I write long and probably annoying posts, and perhaps overshare, but it does seem to help work things out. Reading someone else's journal made me realise this morning I should be deleting videos she has sent me, breaking contact, deleting profiles from sites..but I am not there yet, don't feel able to. I will give this some thought and write it out. If i am really honest its because a part of me still hopes it will work out ffs. I had this idea in the past that if I was seeing her, and MOing over her then it was ok, as I want to only focus on a partner, but really thats delusion at least in relation to her. Hopefully I will find more clarity and common sense with a few good nights' sleep. I don't want to post all this now, but I am hopeful that in time I can look back and see how hard this is at times, remember the battle, and celebrate and honour any changes that are to come. I also hope that someone might relate to the battles if not the specifics.
I also feel confused or indecisive - because this is how my lapse happened a few weeks ago, the horniness builds up and flows into the kink and 'grey areas.' Because I am not actively forging new pathways (sacred sex, mindful pleasure, etc) all the energy runs down the familiar channels. So I don't know whether to start something healthier, or keep fighting with hard mode first. I feel the need to focus on the solutions and not the problems. I think all the warning signs are there, again, and if it gets too much again I will gift myself a mindful MO session and make a ritual out of it. For today though, I am ok with not knowing the answers, and all the energy in the horniness and anger needs to be channelled into self reflection and inner work. I have to let go, hand it over.
I have just noticed the sun has come out, so will go and sit in it and pray and meditate...this will be another day where PMO/MO is not an option, and I try to release the attachment and conflicts, focus on sunshine and brighter days to come, a brighter being to come..
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference
