Dealing with Shame, PIED and Addiction!

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Nico

Active Member
16. A better sleep helps everything feel more manageable lol. I was tired yesterday at work, but supporting others with things helped take my mind off my stuff. I still had this sense of injustice and anger about this connection, and came very close to deleting some profiles and apps. I feel like I am working up to it, then get confused or hopeful about it or the attachment kicks in. I do know its the right thing to do - I even moved the files of all the pics and videos she made for me into the trash although halted at the empty trash haha. Honestly I didn't want to even post about deleting profiles, because there is a part of me that really doesnt want to, and feels very attached to the video messages etc
Anyway, I am getting there. I watched some videos about toxic relationships and letting go, which were inspiring, and found some hypnosis on youtube to help let go which I will try out this weekend. I also notice shame at letting myself fall into this situation, feels pathetic to the warrior in me. Thats why sometimes shame is a positive thing - it does help you garner strength.
So obviously my why is strong enough around PMO and porn, but I need to reinforce it a bit when it comes to the kind of relationship I want and moving away from kink relationships. So, I will write that out if I have any time today if not over the weekend. Basically while it seems like two missions, they are the same really - kink is absolutely fed and kept alive by porn and the grey areas (which are fast turning red) and the whole point was to have a beautiful loving relationship with lovely present, embodied, and sacred sex. I need to keep it simple.
I know that if I do delete everything and quit that there will be a kind of emptiness, but no greater than voids I have faced before - PMO, alcohol, etc Its just a case of using all the tools, again..
Anyway, its Friday, will go dancing tonight..another day PMO free, and things are moving forward with the 'grey' areas
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

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Staff member
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Nico said:
Ok - Just deleted my accounts on the kink social network sites, the messaging app I was using, and the videos. Feels like a big step in the right direction. I'm really doing this :eek:
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Good job, brother! I know the ambivalence toward deleting or not deleting concerning my own issues I've had with social media. Well done!
 
TryingHarder

TryingHarder

Well-Known Member
Nico said:
I think she has narcissistic tendencies, and I am really trying to shift my perspective from lust to awareness of how toxic and abusive it has been, and how dangerous this dynamic is for my wellbeing.
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I have also had encounters with a narcissist, and believe me, they are terrifying. Mind games that can shake you to the very core. Ultimately, unless someone treats you with love and respect and wants you just as much as you want them, you have to walk away.
 
N

Nico

Active Member
17 but only just! I was having a nap before going dancing and found myself hard, and playing a bit. It started to turn into to M, but then fantasies popped in and I knew I had to stop. It left me feeling very discouraged about fantasy, and out of sorts at dance, and found myself in a state of really longing for love. I didn't stay and connect with people but ran away, and got a pizza lol, which is kind of another trigger to want to connect with certain people. Later at night I started to look at a few images, and again had to stop myself. Its as if losing the grey areas has left a hole again, just like quitting porn did in the first place, so I have to be really careful this weekend.
I feel like the M/fantasy experience has affected my confidence in the rewiring process, and losing hope would be a major relapse indicator. I did catch thoughts like - 'I can't change this', or 'I can't win' and even 'fuck this shit' and 'I may as well use porn and enjoy my kink.' This sense of overwhelm makes it easy to surrender the fight. No surrender though, and I do remember it was like this with alcohol at first, so it will change.
It's early days, but the addict in me wants it fixed NOW.

I know I am not yet putting attention on growing the seeds of healthy sexuality and definitely need to. My plan is to go as long as I can on hard mode, but be ready to start creating a ritual and sacred space for pleasure like a meditation on the body and senses. That would be a wonderful alternative to acting out or PMO and I know from doing this in the past that it can be intensely pleasurable, circulating energy etc - but the danger is when touch alone doesn't generate energy to circulate and it got tempting to just use image or fantasy to get going. Maybe I can start doing meditations on the body, on sensations, and on touch to heighten sensitivity to pleasure - that could be a way of meeting my need to start forging a new relationship to my body and rewiring pleasure pathways. I actually love this idea - as a friend said it's good to find self-care and nurturing rituals.

I remember in a tantra class learning about how porn and fantasy create an extra loop in the pleasure pathway which actually dilutes/dissipates it. The ideal is a direct relationship between sensations and awareness of them, and when fantasy is there its like a distraction. I also know from meditation that there is nothing in sensation that necessitates interpretation or fantasy. The trouble is that late at night or in certain moods mindfulness goes out the window, so I need to practise meditation and touch in a fresh state and start strengthening these pathways. I can really appreciate the innocence in this, and the potential. I can also see clearly why journalling is so important, I have found some solutions and written myself into a much more positive state. Sorry not sorry for the long posts, I do hope there's something in there that might help someone else!
 
N

Nico

Active Member
18 no PMO

Well I feel a bit more relaxed. I felt the same building up of craziness as I did before my lapse, a certain someone started texting/sexting, and I was getting excited, so decided to take action and let myself MO. Fantasy did arise, so I moved between mindfulness, running energy, and that. The main thing is to leave porn behind and re-sensitize touch. I do feel sort of disappointed, and still dejected about how hard it is to leave out fantasy. With a partner this issue may not be such a problem as she will be stimulating enough I hope - I have a few women on dating apps who seem to want to meet me, and I have a date next weekend suddenly so that's something to look forward to. Maybe a new connection will help me leave other things behind. It will work out or not, show me if I am ready hopefully, or not! I am going to keep doing mindful touch as I enjoyed it, and enjoying sex/M is what I want. Anyway now have a healing practice session so am going to do some meditation and breathwork first.
 
N

Nico

Active Member
19. Having a bit of a crap day, got a migraine at work. Also feeling low because I saw a scene on tv last night where a woman was tearing down her husband for ED and being pretty nasty. Been thinking about this today and feeling anxious about dating and intimacy, and a it broken. I think that over time the anxiety has created a tendency to avoid it completely, talk myself out of asking someone out, and isolate with porn. Even thinking about it brings up feelings I want to escape from. It's become more of an expectation that I will feel that humiliation/mutual disappointment/shame rather than a fear. I know that the anxiety/expectation becomes a self fulfilling prophecy, but all I can do is keep doing this, getting fitter, and face the situation really. I know I can have the courage to be vulnerable around it, but it hardly makes me feel It's not the end of the world, and I do believe I bring a lot to relationships, but I really want to feel in my sexual power again. Fuck porn - although I also have to work on the anxiety somehow too.
 
Phineas 808

Phineas 808

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You will get there, Nico! Be patient with yourself, and the more time abstaining and healing, the more confidence you will build in yourself. You'll be in a place where you'll have that physical healing and be ready in the moment to deliver.

Hope you feel better.
 
N

Nico

Active Member
Thanks. You are right, I hope, that healing and confidence will come back, and PIED will pass. I believe the anxiety will too, with the right partner. I was taking stock of all the good qualities I bring to relationships so feel more positive today. It's a damned good reason to abstain so I don't think it's a bad thing to dwell on as long as I don't do it in a way that beats myself up or takes me into self pity. I think recovery is about being ok with difficult feelings, not being afraid of them and learning to sit with them and feel them. They pass.

20. No temptations at all last night. Still headachey this morning, not as bad as yesterday so far, but still have the nausea that comes with them. I have been getting this for some years and hate having them at work. Anyway hopefully it will pass in time to let me dance tonight - I feel good as I have taken off another few pounds this week and seeing my weight creep slowly down does feel good. I am making daily choices to not act out, look at porn, overeat/get takeaways, and these choices add up.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Hey @Nico , you're doing great.
Keep focusing on your achievements, and recognize and celebrate each and everyone, even the small, even the required or habitual.

Let go of all the unhappy.
Focus on yourself
Focus on your acheivements
 
N

Nico

Active Member
Thanks TAN, I will try!

21. Managed to force myself to go out and dance last night, and although my calf muscle popped again and was pretty sore I just adapted and did no jumping around. I still got into it, enjoyed it and got nice and sweaty. There were 2 guys and about 15 women there, all attractive! I am pleased with myself as avoided lust mostly, had some nice chats afterwards and resisted a pizza. It feels good to be taking these steps towards a healthier life, and a fitter body. Interestingly, the MO over the weekend seems to have really reduced that compulsion to contact a certain someone or act out with food etc.
Today just working, then will try to eat something healthy tonight and relax. All good, keeping it simple and in the day.
 
TakeActionNow

TakeActionNow

Respected Member
Nico said:
Thanks TAN, I will try!

21. Managed to force myself to go out and dance last night, and although my calf muscle popped again and was pretty sore I just adapted and did no jumping around. I still got into it, enjoyed it and got nice and sweaty. There were 2 guys and about 15 women there, all attractive! I am pleased with myself as avoided lust mostly, had some nice chats afterwards and resisted a pizza. It feels good to be taking these steps towards a healthier life, and a fitter body. Interestingly, the MO over the weekend seems to have really reduced that compulsion to contact a certain someone or act out with food etc.
Today just working, then will try to eat something healthy tonight and relax. All good, keeping it simple and in the day.
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@Nico
This is really great!
Taking yourself out and dancing! Wow I only go for solo runs.
I'm proud and envious of you!
And no pizza?!?
Respect! :)
 
N

Nico

Active Member
22 Possible triggers ahead, for those doing hard mode!?


Had urges this morning, Its one of my nice long mornings where I start work at 2 and work overnight till 4 tomorrow afternoon. Was browsing on here and noticing lots of urges and temptations, I even opened a familiar website thats more networking than porn but stopped myself. I broke away and had a lovely mindful pleasuring session, which felt amazing. I am also really pleased because there was fantasy but it was quite vanilla, I won't go into details but it was more around intimacy and kink was right in the background. I was using light touch too, just really embodied and enjoying innocent pleasure.
For me, at the moment, this feels good. Its not hard mode, but is a rewiring and a relearning. It is not porn, it is not death grip and acting out. I may well decide to go back to hard mode, but for now this is a beautiful way to redirect temptations to use porn, definitely carrot rather than stick as i find it a lot more pleasurable then looking at a screen. I find I can go into a kind of trance state and simply enjoy sensations, pendulating between fantasy and sensory pleasure. So it works, for now, for me, to use this if I have temptations or am close to lapsing. Of course I would prefer to be doing this with a partner, but for now I am just going to focus on me, on enjoying pleasure in life through music, dance, sex, nature and meditation.
I remember reading a book that revolutionised meditation for me - called Mindfulness, Bliss, and Beyond, forget the author, but he was talking about finding what is pleasurable in meditation, the sensations, the breath, the quieting and expanding mind..and I found that if this was my focus, meditation became very enjoyable and blissful. Almost unnoticed body parts could be felt into and found to be full of subtle pleasurable sensations, tinglings of energy that are actually very enjoyable, and can become almost orgasmic. I see no reason not to expand this into a kind of sexual meditation. It all feels very exciting and fresh, and full of new potentials for a different sexual way of being far superior to being hunched over a laptop. I know that being able to explore this kind of sensuality with a partner would be amazing and help drop out of any anxiety.
Anyway, whatever, its another day PMO free, and should lessen any cravings for a while! Just for today I am going to practise being more aware of my body, and subtle pleasures in experience.
 
N

Nico

Active Member
23. Another day, I popped my calf muscle again on Tues, and its still sore so unsure whether to rest it or just dance tonight like an old man. I don't think I want to not go just because I am less mobile. Not much to say this morning, got a busy day at work, and this date this weekend which I feel a bit ambivalent about. I suspect thats the fear or anxiety talking, but I'm not letting that stop me either. A new life awaits - I wonder whether she will be the one lucky enough to join me for some of it 😅
 
N

Nico

Active Member
25. Busy weekend, went out twice, got a lovely woman's number at dance and am arranging to meet. She's interesting as she's an accupuncturist, so we will see if her interest and the connection is platonic or romantic. She also thinks she can sort out my headaches with a needle in the back of the neck, which sounds slightly worrying but I need to do something about them. Had a terrible headache today, so bad I had to just take pills and lie down, feeling nauseous and also a bit depressed about it. I noticed there are all kinds of sore pressure points on my scalp as well. I have been meaning to see the doctor but I can never get an appointment these days, and as for a dentist, no dentists are taking in new patients. So I feel a bit like I am failing to look after myself but the options seem to be go private or forget about it, but I would like to check they're not a symptom of something more serious.
My other date never happened, perhaps I left it too long to confirm as I was going through a whole anxiety thing last week. I had a lot of urges yesterday, and going out to my friend's dance class helped with that. I am still not doing hard mode for now, so am happy to play a bit, but not too often. I know that another hard mode streak would do me good, and am considering it - if I was it would be day 3, but I am not counting it as I wanted to relax the rules for a while.
 
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