PMO destroyed my willpower and vitality. Journal of my journey to 90 days and beyond without this nasty shit

[cookiemonster]

DAY 4

Ive been better. I was feeling very lonely but last night i was talking through discord to a girl i met at an event a while back and it made me feel way better. I wasn't trying to pull some weird game on her or smth like that. I was just open and had no expectations and it charged me with energy. Also today i went to wash my clothes (finally) and met this girl that i talked to for a while and it made me feel very good. Honestly im trying to get myself out there more cause I've been hanging out with the same friends for a long time now and i feel like they are one of the factors that make me smoke and drink so much. So now im practicing more interactions while being sober and letting people see who i really am and its been going good so far
I still didn't finish cleaning my room but today i did a crazy chest workout which im proud of and i washed some of my clothes.

Great stuff! Don't underestimate the power of little things like doing the dishes, washing your clothes, etc! They build momentum and help you to feel better about yourself.

 

[DmdsDmt]

DAY 6

Ive been doing very well these days. Been hanging out with friends without smoking or drinking and i must say it is very nice. I feel way more clear in my thoughts and also my mood has been up for a while now.

Today I woke up and did a 10 minutes meditation session and it really cleared my head. It helped me declutter my mind a lot and had a really good mood throughout the whole day. Thank you @Androg for suggesting it. I will integrate it in my morning routine.

Tomorrow i have the interview and ive been preparing for it. I am pretty confident it will go well. Ihave stuff written down but im just planning on being honest and engaging in the conversation like i am talking to a friend. I am hyped up for it but also a bit scared it can go wrong or i can say something stupid. But fuck it, i will just be myself.

Also no lustful thoughts what so ever and this makes me feel at peace

WIll be back tomorrow with updates

 

[DmdsDmt]

DAY 7

The interview went great and im very happy about it. Slept very badly last night because of the adrenaline, but thank God it went well.
Today i will eat a nice meal to celebrate and go to a lake with a friend.
I must still stay the course cause these are the moments im getting cocky and relapse.

 

[DmdsDmt]

Came back from the lake and ive dodged a lot of weed and drinks. I still drank a bit just for the taste but i was not even enjoying it and didn't even get tipsy. I honestly liked my sober state. My friends had weed but i dodged it every time. I didn't even want a single puff so this is a win for sure. I really enjoy myself when im sober now. I think the lows i was getting from weed, alcohol and pmo were cluttering my mind so much and made me feel depressed af, which then led to me identifying with that low state. And then i was dependent on them for my mood to not feel trash again.
But yeah, it was a win today for sure.

 

[cookiemonster]

Came back from the lake and ive dodged a lot of weed and drinks. I still drank a bit just for the taste but i was not even enjoying it and didn't even get tipsy. I honestly liked my sober state. My friends had weed but i dodged it every time. I didn't even want a single puff so this is a win for sure. I really enjoy myself when im sober now. I think the lows i was getting from weed, alcohol and pmo were cluttering my mind so much and made me feel depressed af, which then led to me identifying with that low state. And then i was dependent on them for my mood to not feel trash again.
But yeah, it was a win today for sure.

Wow that's awesome! Good job man!

 

[DmdsDmt]

DAY 10

Ive been doing good these days. Been spending a lot of time outside. Yesterday i was chilling in the park next to me and i saw a guy ive been playing basketball with before. I helped him out with smth and he said he has a joint and we can smoke. I told him im trying to quit, but then i said i'll take one puff. I took a bunch of puffs eventually. I didnt get very high, but i was dissapointed in myself for not keeping my word. Thing is that this guy has a lot of connections and a part of me wanted to befriend him, so i just rationalized taking those puffs. I feel like my social addictions come also from codependency. Having the feeling that i need to match other people's vibe instead of just being myself and sticking to my word.
I put these boindaries with my close friends and they understand. But sometimes everything goes out the window and i start rationalizing bullshit.
This is also a problem I've had with my girlfriends before. I would start rationalizing bullshit behaviour or accept stuff that i shouldn't have just because i was addicted to the sex. I hope going free of no pmo for a while will help me with that.
I need to be more focused these days.
My emotions have been pretty regulated becase ive been sober. It has also been easier to control my pmo urges because of that and I don't want to ruin this.
Moving forward

 

[DmdsDmt]

Okay, i spent my whole morning watching videous on reddit. I wont spend time on my phone anymore today. Going to workout and maybe play some basketball today

 

[cookiemonster]

Okay, i spent my whole morning watching videous on reddit. I wont spend time on my phone anymore today. Going to workout and maybe play some basketball today

Good to acknowledge it and move on by being kind to yourself and doing good things for yourself. Way to go!

 

[DmdsDmt]

DAY 11

Yesterday i did a workout and went to play bball. Then got home, took a shower and left to a park close to chill. On my way to the park i saw some school colleagues that were drinking at a terrace. I stayed there with them and drank a bunch of beer and smoked a lot of cigarettes cause someone in the group had them. My initial intention was to stay, have one drink with them and then leave, but i stayed more than i should've. Also smoked those cigarettes which i hella regret. I didn't get crazy drunk but i just wanted to stay healthy these days. God damnit. Its okay tho, today i might go again to play bball and sweat the alcohol away.

 

[DmdsDmt]

Today was actually a pretty good day, had a lot of fun outside with all kinds of people. Honestly i dont understand why i was drinking and smoking so much. Its really fun to just do sports and chill with people in the sun while sober. Will do that again tomorrow probabily. It really helps to keep me off indulging into bad thought loops.
My goal is to also approach some girls. Im not looking to have sex but more about overcoming my fear of talking to girls that are strangers and just facing that rejection (if it happens). And having more girl friends in my life wouldn't be a bad thing cause it will lead to meet more girls through them.
Also about PMO, ive almost forgotten about it altogether and its way easier to go through the days without it cluttering my mind.
Moving forward

 

[cookiemonster]

Really good to hear! You're doing great!

 

[DmdsDmt]

DAY 13

Hey guys. A small update. Im not doing very good atm. Will vent here a bit to maybe see more clear whats going on. Yesterday i went with some friends to visit another city and watch a movie at a theater there. Thing is that we've been planning it for a while now. I wasn't that excited about the movie but i wanted to visit the city. Ive been having some good days so far and my sleep was good but that night before the trip i went a bit over my sleeping schedule and then i couldn't fall asleep. All of the sudden i started to spiral into self-hate thought cycles. Thinking that "im going to be tired tmrrw" and how im never going to be able to be "normal" and that i wont be able to maintain the job i will have and that i'll never gonna find someone to pove me cause im so fucked up. Then i would get this sinking feeling in my stomach and an alertness feeling. Then i started remembering when my dad and used to come home very drunk and just crash in front of the door when i was a kid, and i used to feel very scared and lonely cause my sister went to study in another city and in the house was a very lonely gray feeling. Until my mom would come home at night after work and give me the attention that i needed by asking me if i did my homework and if i ate. But by then, it was a feeling of chaos.
Anyways, back to my trip, eventually i started crying like crazy that night and fell asleep.
Then the next day i was feeling better and mu friend had some weed and smoked thinking "it will keep me awake". This was yesterday. But today i got some crazy depression. I've been in bed all day and now im writing this to maybe make me feel better. Ive been getting this huge sinking feeling in my belly and a feeling that everything is so hard. Weed surely was a factor i believe. I will go play some bball now and hopefully some sun will make me feel better. Im still on track with no PMO so its good.
Probabily a lot of the feelings i was trying to supress get activated and if im not careful, it can trigger a full blown apathy/self hate trip. I was trying so hard to find a way to "love myself" in these moments but the mind will always find ways to find proof for the self hate.. its bullshit.
Feeling a bit better just by writing this and thank you guys if you read all of it. Sorry its this long.
Moving forward no matter what

 

[Androg]

Just keep doing the next "right" thing...like socializing, staying off social media, exercising, etc. You're doing fine. This is just a rough patch.

 

[cookiemonster]

I posted this on my journal by accident, I meant to post it here:

Turbulence on the road brother.

Sure, those are some legitimate concerns. But the way our moods often tend to work is we get this shit thrown at us out of nowhere, and then a few days later they pass.

All that's left is whether we relapsed or not in the meantime.

 

[DmdsDmt]

DAY 0 no PMO
DAY 2 no weed
DAY 3 no alcohol


Hey guys, im back on the forum. Ive been out of it for a couple of days. Also ive been on and off pmo, trying to figure out stuff about how to stop the inner critic that tells me im a loser and keeps me down everytime i try to do something. I found some very helpful things that worked to keep me out of abandoning myself into pmo. So i am giving it another try and hopefully i'll learn to stick with myself on this path.
Now im on DAY 0 cause i relapsed again today. But it was more of a chain reaction. I had an event today and because i got anxious of not being able to be rested for this event, i couldnt sleep anymore last night and it triggered a lot of self hate and judgement about myself and feeling like a loser and saying to myself "you will never be able to maintain a normal job if you can't sleep". And also many thoughts of wishing to be dead. Which is stupid and i knew in the back of my head this was all bullshit said by the inner critic. Eventually i canceled the event in the morning, thinking i wont go anymore and boom, slept like a baby.
Then i relapsed cause i was touching my dick in the shower...
Anyways, im back at it and will also stay away from weed and alcohol again. Honestly i don't want to give up. I want to be able to have a great job and a nice relationship with a girl. And i don't want to abandon myself anymore.

 

[PornAddict]

Hey man. How's it going? I just discovered this site and i must say that your journey (story) has both moved and inspired me. As i type this there's nothing in the world i want to do more than PMO. It's been 20 days since i last did it and i'm having these intense cravings i don't think i'm strong enough to control. I have been thinking about PMO this entire day and i even relapsed by going on a few websites even tho i was able to stop myself from masturbating to the videos. I feel so powerless rn because i don't think i can resist these cravings much longer. I started PMO at 13 years (i'm 23 now) and this is the first time in my life i've gone more than one week without fapping and i'm so scared that if i relapse i might never be able to do it again.

 

[Androg]

DAY 0 no PMO
DAY 2 no weed
DAY 3 no alcohol


Hey guys, im back on the forum. Ive been out of it for a couple of days. Also ive been on and off pmo, trying to figure out stuff about how to stop the inner critic that tells me im a loser and keeps me down everytime i try to do something. I found some very helpful things that worked to keep me out of abandoning myself into pmo. So i am giving it another try and hopefully i'll learn to stick with myself on this path.
Now im on DAY 0 cause i relapsed again today. But it was more of a chain reaction. I had an event today and because i got anxious of not being able to be rested for this event, i couldnt sleep anymore last night and it triggered a lot of self hate and judgement about myself and feeling like a loser and saying to myself "you will never be able to maintain a normal job if you can't sleep". And also many thoughts of wishing to be dead. Which is stupid and i knew in the back of my head this was all bullshit said by the inner critic. Eventually i canceled the event in the morning, thinking i wont go anymore and boom, slept like a baby.
Then i relapsed cause i was touching my dick in the shower...
Anyways, im back at it and will also stay away from weed and alcohol again. Honestly i don't want to give up. I want to be able to have a great job and a nice relationship with a girl. And i don't want to abandon myself anymore.

@ DmdsDmt
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a really hard time. It sounds like you need to get professional help. This forum isn’t the place to get help for serious mental health problems.
Consider texting HOME to 741741. That will connect you with a volunteer Crisis Counselor. You could also consider texting 988 - Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - https://988lifeline.org/

 

[DmdsDmt]

@ DmdsDmt
I’m sorry to hear that you’ve had a really hard time. It sounds like you need to get professional help. This forum isn’t the place to get help for serious mental health problems.
Consider texting HOME to 741741. That will connect you with a volunteer Crisis Counselor. You could also consider texting 988 - Suicide and Crisis Lifeline - https://988lifeline.org/

Hey man, thank you for worrying about me. I really appreciate it! But its fine, every time i get those thoughts, i never believe them. I would never actually kill myself. I never went further than the thought and never will. I know all this noise in my head is just the harsh inner critic that was triggered by an emotional flashback. I've been very depressed in the past and got out of it. I know i can this time again and i will do it. There is hope.
Now its better cause I've been studying a bit more about psychology and what triggers me. So im not giving up.

 

[DmdsDmt]

DAY 1 no PMO
DAY 4 no weed
DAY 5 no alcohol

Hey guys, unfortunately i relapsed yesterday on pmo, but i got back at it quick. I've been studying more about why im getting triggered like this and found some great resources by Richard Grannon.

On that channel he's talking about emotional flashbacks that can trigger a harsh inner critic. And it made me realize that every time im having an emotional flashback, it can trigger a harsh inner critic (the voice in my head that tries to put me down and tells lies) and then i feel a lot of shame and guilt and then i desociate with porn/weed/alcohol. I have been more mindful these days about these things and did the exercises Richard Grannon said and i must say that the voice in my head that puts me down got less loud. Also even though i relapsed yesterday one time (because of an emotional flashback), im not dwelling in depression today like i would have in the past which is a very big achevement for me.

 

[DmdsDmt]

DAY 2 no pmo
DAY 5 no weed
DAY 6 no alcohol

Hey guys, coming up with a quick update. Today i went to a park close by and stayed with my thoughts and feelings. No music, nothing to distract me. I felt intense depression and guilt thinking about my ex. But i stayed in those feeling and didn't get lost in them. Felt like shit the whole morning, but fuck it, I don't want to run away from these feelings anymore. When i got home, i still felt like shit so i just gave myself time to sit in bed and feel the feelings. At some point i started crying so much and a lot of grief came out. This is a good sign. Didn't feel the need to consume any substance in those moments, but i saw myself reaching for the phone and scrolling through youtube. Also my mind would jump to fantasies (not porn) just to dissociate from the bad feelings. But i tried to stay in them as much as i could and im proud of the work i did. Feeling a bit more light now.
Going to play some basketball tonight and get a bit social (sober).