Lifting the fog...

[neon tiger]

Of course, you mean relationship in the broadest sense of the word, right Lyon? (hehe).  No seriously, i am practicing being in the moment on this one as much as possible. I don't want to project this into the future, because if i do, i will approach our future interactions with those projections in mind, and i want thing to unfold naturally.  I am slowly reading one of two mindfulness books i bought a couple weeks ago, and it is starting to shift the way i approach each moment. 

I was in a sexual harassment training at work yesterday, and at one point there was a mention of porn, and also a question about how comfortable we would be if someone went through all our files in our phone right now. On both occasions i had an initial, vague but visceral reaction, that quickly was replaced with this realization that I had no reason right now to feel uncomfortable with any of those ideas because today they don't apply to me. I realized that i have already created some emotional separation between me and my acting out with porn. i cannot describe to you how deeply grateful and satisfied that made me feel.

Porn is simply not part of the vision that i have for my life. With the help of all of you fellow truckers, that vision will slowly become my reality. Thanks

 

[chiefmitch88]

Its feels good to know that we are cleaning the skeletons out of our closet doesn't it? Proud of you for working so hard to get where you are Tiger. I can tell that this is starting to pay dividends for you.

 

[neon tiger]

Yesterday while driving I found myself taking an objective look at some of the things i still need to continue to work on this road to freedom from PMO or any other compulsions. I could see them for what they are without getting personal or emotionally charged by them. Chief, you've said that it may be a good idea to go see a therapist, and i agree. So when i got home, I began the process by taking those things i was looking at and putting them in a written list that would help me define exactly what the things I a struggling with are, and use them as an anchor for the work i would do with the therapist. I grouped them by social, emotional, and mental and focus concerns.  I didn't force ting on the list; i just wrote with came clearly to me at the time and i will add things as i find the exact words to describe them.  It was a very good exercise. It gave me a renewed sense of hope and optimism.  Meanwhile, i will start doing some research to find the right fit for a therapist - someone with some experience with porn/sex addiction, and social anxiety.

I also MO'ed last night. It was a deliberate decision. No triggering situation or circumstance, it just felt right to.  I did it the way i have read it recommended here by rebooters, going strictly by physical sensation.  No porn, or fantasies of porn, or memories of past sexual experiences; just physical stimulation- mind focused on the sensation. It was an experience i don't remember having had in my adult life; in fact, i thought it must've been how it felt back when i was a kid and discovering orgasm. It felt right, on a physical, mental, emotional and spiritual way. Shame or guilt free. I still didn't want to decide if it constituted a relapse until i went through the day today and see if any obsession, craving or compulsion got awakened by it.  It has not been the case. So i am not resetting.  I will still monitor the next few days and if i see that i begin to struggle, ill have to reconsider and reset my counter, in which case, i will be okay with it. I have zero desire to have porn in my life, and i am already noticing how different i perceive and approach myself and others.

Today i had dinner with one great friend, and met for an unplanned coffee with another, so i felt very connected in the social sense. Also did some reading, a good workout, got haircut, overall, a good productive, yet restful day.

 

[neon tiger]

Monday night and i have not felt a desire to look up porn after I MOed strictly to physical sensation friday, not i am feeling lured by it.  I am not saying that I am putting myself now on a MO without porn schedule by any means. Rather, i am saying that I am starting to redefine what sex, sexuality, and sensuality are, how i approach them, and how i relate to them, (sounds like what a reboot is supposed to be). I realize that this forum defines reboot in terms of PIED and PIDE, but even though i have suffered from both of those to some degree at different times, to me it is mainly about my insecurities about myself, and my ability to connect emotionally AND physically with another person.  One thing I've always noticed when i have sex is that i can perform so much better when i am the one giving pleasure to my partner and finding how to please him, but when it comes time to please me, i don't want to have anything to do with it. For one thing, i have denied myself the idea that i am worthy of being pleased by a loving partner, so i haven't even considered what it is that i enjoy- i enjoy giving you pleasure, has been the motto. And if that doesn't work and my partner still insist on pleasuring me, game over- good bye hard on, arousal, confidence. PMO to me has always been about my brain, not about my body. It felt right to feel good with and about myself- and to know that i can feel that way and still be repulsed by porn. 

Sunday was a very mellow day bouncing around the room (house); I did some more reading about mindfulness and did a mindfulness meditation. Today i was searching for mindfulness meditation groups in the area, and found a couple (inconvenient schedules for me, but theres a few i may be able to squeeze in). Then i started to look up some mindfulness retreats that they offer over weekends at different places near me.  as i was browsing one of the places, i read on their calendar that they had an upcoming tantric retreat for couples. That turned out to be a trigger for me- i did a little bit of research on what it is about and shortly after i realized the dopamine cycle was starting to kick in.  Not fun- actually scary when you start to get that feeling that reminded me so much of my PMO sessions and ritual.  Funny how searching for mindfulness resources, which haves been so helpful for me these days, led me to a dopamine cycle trigger...

i still want to develop a mindfulness practice, and do it with others that can help me along the way.  I hope I can catch a couple of their group meditations.

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing NT. I read a lot of myself in what you wrote. Namely, I get the most pleasure from pleasuring others but often lose my erection when I become the focus. You suggested this is linked to self-esteem and I'd agree. I learned something. You also reminded me to be mindful of triggers and relapsing. It is virtually impossible to work without a computer these days. For a recovering porn addict like me, daily contact with screens this is the herion-addict equivalent of being a syringe salesman. Relapse is always just a click away. I find I don't think about porn very much through flashbacks or nostalgia about my favourite scenes, however search terms like 'big c*ck' often pop into my head when I pause for a moment while working. Funny how the brain never forgets. Be well my friend. PORN IS NO LONGER AN OPTION.

 

[neon tiger]

Ha!  i like the analogy to the syringe salesman Lyon- funny, but so true. Keep starving the black wolf my friend.  It won't die, and it is incredibly patient, but the more you starve it, the weaker its cry becomes. And although those search words will still pop in you mind in between tasks, you will find your better self, your white wolf, the well fed one, reminding you how silly of stupid that idea really is. You be well too.

After a second date, this guy and I talked on the phone a couple times, and since my last called, which went to voicemail, i haven't heard back from him in 6 days.  Kind of wishing i had, but not making too much of it. Things got complicated for him after our last date.  For one thing, he totaled his car driving back home from our second date (i don't feel bad, but a the same time i do), so he has been car shopping, which can be very taxing if unplanned.  He also went back to work Monday- he's a college professor-, so it was a hectic week for him.  Still, I'm guessing that he is not very interested if he didn't try to find an opportunity to meet this weekend. Yesterday, I started chatting again with someone i chat once before about six months ago, and we are looking or a chance to meet in person.  He has a five year old daughter. There is a slight degree of hesitation on my part related to that, but at the same time, there a lot more about this fact that i find alluring and makes him even more interesting.

Not feeling any desire to watch porn (well, some, but not enough to actually take action on it), but i have felt drawn to sensual images her and there. If a article pops up about a trending hot actor or athlete, i look him up. Have to stay vigilant, as this is a thin line.  The middle circle is how they call it in SAA- things that don't constitute your acting out behavior, but that can be conducive to it.

Otherwise, i feel pretty optimistic with everything going on. Wont rent too much space in my mind to the dating situation, but if he contact me again and would like to meet again, i would sure be down for that.

Trucking on...

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for posting brother. Waiting for Mr. Right's reply...man I've been there. I feel for you and I would try to shrug it off, when in truth I would be crushed. Keep posting my friend. I always enjoy reading about your journey. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[chiefmitch88]

90 DAYS!!! WooHoo! Congratulations Neon Tiger.
You made it, you proved to yourself and everyone else here that you have what it takes to resist the pull of one of the most insidious and available addictions on this planet. Keep doing it, keep receiving that power! Just like a diet, this will continue to pay off as you stick to it. Your Fog is lifting, some days may be less clear than others but I know you feel the upward trend. Life may beat us up but that's nothing compared to the emptiness we feel when we give in to porn.

Here's to a new you, with that white tiger close behind and the black panther forever lurking in the shadows. Keep feeding that white tiger! I honor and acknowledge the light and dark within you brother. The next 90 will go much easier.

 

[lyon03]

Congratulations on meeting your 90-day goal brother! Hope you are well and I look forward to reading your next post.

 

[neon tiger]

Thank you gents.  Great to have such an inspiring selection of gentlemen cheering on my side, and to cheer for.

Well, I made it to 101 days, and its time for me to reset my counter- although i rather stop this one if possible and start a new one, because the time put together certainly accounts for a whole lot.  Ill play with that after my post.

Silly me- i thought that if i deliberately made a decision to check something out then it wouldn't be a relapse, because i would be in control, it wouldn't own me. Well, it was certainly controlled; didn't last more than a couple minutes; didn't watch the P while MO, but i MO'ed immediately after putting the P away, and went to bed.  This morning i don't feel spiritually bankrupt, morally ashamed, or mentally depressed, but i DO feel very vulnerable in all those areas, so that is enough for me to call it a relapse. It was the thought of coming here, putting aside my pride and speaking my truth that gave me the first glimpse of safety and hope- as it always has.

Well, i haven't been here since January 25th.  It figures...
As it says on AA's Big book- I only have a daily deprive contingent upon my spiritual condition. 

Things that have continued to go well:
1. Learning about mindfulness, although i am not meditating on a daily basis.  That discipline got messy after the trip to Puerto Rico.
2. I am not suffering from severe depression or paralyzing anxiety- although I am pretty sure there is a sustained depression from social deprivation that I've grown accustomed to and I am starting to accustom to as a default.

(Interesting fact: Sheryl Crow's "Every day is a winding road" just came up on the radio...)

Triggers:

1. Loneliness/Social anxiety: I need to treat this with the seriousness one would treat a chronic condition, and i don't know where to start.  On one hand, I found this meet ups website that has all kinds of groups for all interests imaginable. But i think i also need some therapy or pharmacological treatment, and it is extremely difficult for me to take time from my job for more doctor's appointments 9i already am taking time for a couple other medical matters).

2. Snow days: i am an educator, and this last couple weeks have been relentless here in the northeast.  This is my fifth snow day in two weeks.  And i am home with a lot of time on my hands. I do spend a good amount of time reading, shoveling, and treating myself to a warm soup and grilled cheese afterwards, but see above (...) I cannot go to the gym for a workout, which is where i go as often as i can to forget #1, or skiing- because i am snowed in, and roads are almost impassible.

3. Dating/rejection: The guy i spoke of in my last few posts never materialized into something more.  We only met the two times i mentioned, and he did not respond to my last call and text (one of each- thats sufficient to get the message). Then i met another guy a little more than a week ago. He has a 5 year old daughter, so finding time for us to meet gets tricky.  I liked him a lot and parental status is actually more of an asset and virtue for me than an impediment.  We had a wonderful time the one time we did meet, but we have tried and failed to meet again three other times, either because he gets sick, or his daughter gets sick, or a snowstorm hits and roads are impassible. It is occupying more space in my mind than i wished, and for that reason, my interest in him is in conflict with my personal safety. This relapse is a perfect example. Maybe i should pick up one of those codependency books your wife is reading in her CODA classes chief.  Man, i cannot juggle another addiction/compulsion/obsession! (semi humorously meant).

What i am grateful for:

1. Being alive- "Because reason says i should have died six years ago..." (or nine, for that matter)
2. Snow and snow days- I didn't grow up around this stuff.  So beautiful and peaceful.  Glad i have a job that keeps me at home when its coming down.  I bet snow days are amazing when you are cashed in with a loved one (or loved ones).
3. Beck- Man, I've been following this man's career since back in his "Loser" and "Where its at" days.  I've sang, danced, and dug in along with his songs so many times over the years- such a talented, original, soulful artist.  I am so happy to see him receiving the recognition that he deserves so much.

 

[CrazyGopher]

Silly me- i thought that if i deliberately made a decision to check something out then it wouldn't be a relapse, because i would be in control, it wouldn't own me.

I can relate to this. Many times I have tricked myself with things like "this isn't a relapse because..." or "it's okay to watch this because ..." or "this time will be different because..."

Then I take a quick peek, and it all goes downhill from there. In fact, I find it amazing that you were able to stop after only a couple minutes! It has rarely worked out that way for me.

I hope my mindfulness practice will eventually help me learn to deal with these situations better. I'm still a beginner, but I can see the potential for great benefits here. I feel like all I need in these moments is that one tiny little spark of awareness that something is about to go terribly wrong, and that will be enough to point me back in the right direction before I take that peek at P.

Anyway, I'm glad that you shared the details with us, and of course if you have any trouble resetting the counter I am always glad to help.

 

[lyon03]

That took a lot of courage to share brother. You should be proud of that. You also combined three of my favourite things in your post: 1. Soup; 2. Grilled cheese sandwiches; and 3. Beck. I'm sure that if you continue being the kick ass you, the right partner will come along. But as I've learned, you gotta get out there brother. Be well and enjoy the snow. 

 

[neon tiger]

Ha Lyon!  Good stuff indeed- its the small things where life actually lies

I am starting to think that courage is a natural outcome of the letting go of ego and pride, because courage was the last thing on my mind when i decided to surrender call on myself. (Or humility for that matter- in fact, it was humility what it took).  But courage is a very desirable natural outcome indeed. 

Spent most of the day sleeping as I'm fighting off a cold that started Saturday night.  In that way, the snow day was a very welcome change of pace.

Otherwise, feeling alright, really want to get my ass to the meditation chair tomorrow morning. Tighten the bolts. 

 

[chiefmitch88]

We've all had a unique path that we've walked to get us to this point in our lives Neon. I don't think that it is uncommon to feel "less than" because a relationship prospect didn't pan out. It's how you deal with that disappointment that makes the difference. Now you have learned this about yourself. Next time you feel low because of an awkward social interaction just remind yourself that the path to overcoming that anxiety is not a short one. You are working on remedying the problem through your work on here and with the therapist you mentioned. It is completely normal to  have those feelings or to blame yourself for not being enough. "If I was not a porn addict my life would be better. I'd have a better life, bf/gf/spouse, more friends, etc."

That sort of thinking gets me nowhere. Because, the truth is, I am a porn addict. I will always have a problem with objectification. But I can mitigate it by avoiding porn and by talking to my sources of support when I feel like I can't go on. Also, even though I do have all of those problems, I still deserve love. Everyone has their own brand of crazy. There are skeletons in everyone's closet and all those people deserve love too. You are enough Neon, even with the slip, you are enough. There are dozens of distractions in this world that keep us bogged down in obsession. Everyone experiences it in some form or another during their time on this planet. You and I are no exceptions. We both battle the same demon of lust and he/she is crafty as all hell. Keep finding solutions rather than dwelling on the problems.

 

[chiefmitch88]

You out there Neon Tiger? Hope you're doing ok. Please keep posting.

 

[lyon03]

Hey there NT. Thinking of you brother. Be well my friend.