Thank you gents. Great to have such an inspiring selection of gentlemen cheering on my side, and to cheer for.
Well, I made it to 101 days, and its time for me to reset my counter- although i rather stop this one if possible and start a new one, because the time put together certainly accounts for a whole lot. Ill play with that after my post.
Silly me- i thought that if i deliberately made a decision to check something out then it wouldn't be a relapse, because i would be in control, it wouldn't own me. Well, it was certainly controlled; didn't last more than a couple minutes; didn't watch the P while MO, but i MO'ed immediately after putting the P away, and went to bed. This morning i don't feel spiritually bankrupt, morally ashamed, or mentally depressed, but i DO feel very vulnerable in all those areas, so that is enough for me to call it a relapse. It was the thought of coming here, putting aside my pride and speaking my truth that gave me the first glimpse of safety and hope- as it always has.
Well, i haven't been here since January 25th. It figures...
As it says on AA's Big book- I only have a daily deprive contingent upon my spiritual condition.
Things that have continued to go well:
1. Learning about mindfulness, although i am not meditating on a daily basis. That discipline got messy after the trip to Puerto Rico.
2. I am not suffering from severe depression or paralyzing anxiety- although I am pretty sure there is a sustained depression from social deprivation that I've grown accustomed to and I am starting to accustom to as a default.
(Interesting fact: Sheryl Crow's "Every day is a winding road" just came up on the radio...)
Triggers:
1. Loneliness/Social anxiety: I need to treat this with the seriousness one would treat a chronic condition, and i don't know where to start. On one hand, I found this meet ups website that has all kinds of groups for all interests imaginable. But i think i also need some therapy or pharmacological treatment, and it is extremely difficult for me to take time from my job for more doctor's appointments 9i already am taking time for a couple other medical matters).
2. Snow days: i am an educator, and this last couple weeks have been relentless here in the northeast. This is my fifth snow day in two weeks. And i am home with a lot of time on my hands. I do spend a good amount of time reading, shoveling, and treating myself to a warm soup and grilled cheese afterwards, but see above (...) I cannot go to the gym for a workout, which is where i go as often as i can to forget #1, or skiing- because i am snowed in, and roads are almost impassible.
3. Dating/rejection: The guy i spoke of in my last few posts never materialized into something more. We only met the two times i mentioned, and he did not respond to my last call and text (one of each- thats sufficient to get the message). Then i met another guy a little more than a week ago. He has a 5 year old daughter, so finding time for us to meet gets tricky. I liked him a lot and parental status is actually more of an asset and virtue for me than an impediment. We had a wonderful time the one time we did meet, but we have tried and failed to meet again three other times, either because he gets sick, or his daughter gets sick, or a snowstorm hits and roads are impassible. It is occupying more space in my mind than i wished, and for that reason, my interest in him is in conflict with my personal safety. This relapse is a perfect example. Maybe i should pick up one of those codependency books your wife is reading in her CODA classes chief. Man, i cannot juggle another addiction/compulsion/obsession! (semi humorously meant).
What i am grateful for:
1. Being alive- "Because reason says i should have died six years ago..." (or nine, for that matter)
2. Snow and snow days- I didn't grow up around this stuff. So beautiful and peaceful. Glad i have a job that keeps me at home when its coming down. I bet snow days are amazing when you are cashed in with a loved one (or loved ones).
3. Beck- Man, I've been following this man's career since back in his "Loser" and "Where its at" days. I've sang, danced, and dug in along with his songs so many times over the years- such a talented, original, soulful artist. I am so happy to see him receiving the recognition that he deserves so much.