Lifting the fog...

[neon tiger]

Funny, today the situation with blast from the past feels so distant emotionally. And chief, Ive been wondering the same things.  In fact, i have little doubt that he in fact has his own issues with sex/porn addiction. He is quite clear and explicit about his motives. I am so grateful for you guys here keeping me on track.  This was a trigger of giant proportions.

Chief, i have envisioned vulnerability the exact same way you just did- like i was skinned and exposed to any harm that surrounds me.  I trust and value your point of view, because i know your journey and your struggles, and i know that for you this journey of healing is about so much more than getting boners back- as it is for me.  Thank you, and please dont hesitate to join me on my walks through my mental neighborhood, or my 'committee/amphitheater' meetings

Today was an awesome day! In the zone at work, connecting with my staff, and peers, being creative, effective. It was awesome. I am realizing how big of an impact sleep has on my day.  This is a piece that i was greatly compromising while on PMO, because my acting out was mostly just before bedtime, so i was loosing 60-90 minutes of sleep every night.  Now, not only i don't lose that sleep, but i am also going to bed an average 1 hour earlier. Yesterday i felt fearful, worried, a little hopeless; turns out, i had a very restless sleep the night before (the night after blast from the past sexted me).  Last night i slept very well ,and today i felt very god. I never considered myself someone that has trouble with sleep, but I am rediscovering sleep as this powerful, energizing activity. When PMOing, i would fall asleep with images of porn in my mind, and wake up with them.  I hated that.

Thank you ready- and welcome. I have found on this forum that strength that i never found in myself.

Speaking of sleep, bedtime now. Thank you all, my fellow warriors.

 

[lyon03]

So true! I'd never thought about what years of porn-induced insomnia had done to me until I stopped both porn and TV. Now that I'm on a more natural sleep cycle, I just function better. So clearly all of my work problems didn't just come from the PMO addiction. Thanks for pointing this out. Be strong brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[chiefmitch88]

I'd gladly join you on any walk or meeting. I'd certainly help to beef up the applause and laughter in your audience. 

 

[Fappy]

Great and inspirational reading!
I can see a lot of things about myself in your journals and can relate.
I agree with how much more focused you become without porn. The mind has so many other things to occupy itself with rather than the next possible time you can rub yourself raw.
Keep it going mates!

 

[neon tiger]

I had a reiki session today- the first since i began this rebooting process 40 something days ago. I have been doing them more or less monthly since April. I believe they have been fundamental in me finding the will, strength and resolve to embark on this rebooting process. I feel a little emotionally sore, tired, and vulnerable, yet relieved.  Off to bed now, taking it slow and gentle tomorrow. Full of hope and faith in this process, and grateful for all you fellas sharing this journey on here.

 

[lyon03]

How terrible of me to think 'reiki' was some form of sexual debauchery. Porn addicts! Just googled it and will give this a try. I've been thinking about meditation for a while so thank you for sharing.

 

[neon tiger]

Had a strong P flashback today while driving, with dopamine rush and all.  It was blinding- took some serious effort to shake it off. Interestingly enough, it was over straight porn.  I believe that is part of why it was so hard to shake it off- i was very intrigued by the fact that i was so aroused by it.  Not trying to make any sense of it at this time. It was a PMO trigger by any definition. If theres something there to figure out, time will tell.

Heading to bed now. A few long days at work ahead this week.

 

[lyon03]

I too had the flashes while driving, but more along the line of my favourite search terms like 'big c*ck' or simply thoughts of 'I can't wait to get home and jerk it.' While a gay man, my addiction had also gone so full circle that near the end I turned to hetero porn for stimulation. Thanks for sharing because it helped me understand something about myself. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[neon tiger]

Ive been feeling very well last few days. Pretty psyched about going home to PR for the holidays!

I definitely got some sexual energy buildup that is starting to manifest. Im finding arousal all around me, which I see as an odd sort of indicator of recovery. It is actual people that is making me horny- not images of pixelated beings.  While on PMO, i found little to no interest on actual people, and those time i did check out a guy, it felt different from when i do now (I also find myself checking out women too). Im not quite craving MO (i am definitely not missing P or hook up sites, which is great), but i am kind of craving some release. I am single and not dating, so i don't know when would that happen- unless i allow myself some MO purely to sensation.  Not giving it serious consideration at this point though; there is so many things improving in my lit,e i don't see the worth in jeopardizing them.

 

[chiefmitch88]

Closing in on 50 days and feeling great? Awesome news Tiger.

If you are feeling a little lonely I don't see anything wrong with dating. Again, I would be wary of the others intentions and make sure that you move VERY SLOWLY. Also, prepare yourself with the knowledge that disappointment after a failed date doesn't reflect upon your value as a person. You are a wonder and you deserve someone who sees that.

I remember that feeling of "life at full speed" when I was getting nearer to 50 days a while back, before my series of relapses. I was cruising along and really enjoying the confidence I was  experiencing. I was working nights bartending at the time and getting to open up a little to my customers, having fun with the people I worked with. I think one of the factors that led to my slip was the fact that I had never jumped into this "deep-end of the pool" where a lot of very interesting and appealing people like to swim. I found myself regretting that I had committed to my wife because I had this strong sensation that I wanted to spend some time there in the deep end. A girl that I worked with became a good friend to me at that time and we had some great chemistry to the point where I had several sex dreams about her, I couldn't shake my attraction to her. Being a virgin until I met my wife I felt really bummed that I would never get the chance to enjoy the company of a different woman. Maybe this is terrible to say but I felt like I settled for another broken soul because I was so broken myself.

Sorry to be a debbie-downer but I saw some commiseration there.  ;D

On the bright side, there's always the nocturnal emissions to look forward to. 

 

[neon tiger]

Haha chief!  plenty of commiseration there indeed. This is exactly what i need right now- words of wisdom through the 50 day lens.  Than you so much. Im not denying myself the chance to date- it just hasn't happened.  Im working 12 hour days, working out and going home.  And i shut down all dating/hook up sites.  That being said, dating among men is different in that the assumption of sex is more present because, you know, men are pigs. So it will be harder to date and go slow. Like i said, I'm too busy right now to pursue it.  ill worry about that later...

Buit those nocturnal emissions better come soon man! Last night i went to bed with tremors from being so horny (no dopamine rush, just horniness- a very new feeling in fact). If i had agreed before that i would allow myself MO without porn and fantasy in extreme situations, last night would've been it. And still i wasn't granted some involuntary release 

Trucking along here

 

[lyon03]

I am probably the horniest person on these boards, which is saying a lot, and I can tell you from my experience the burning desires (which I called 'night heat') do eventually die down. I remember around day 20 PRAYING for a wet dream. My balls ached so much I walked with a slight limp. Eventually when you PMO less, your body adapts and produces less sperm. So while initially painful, peace will come back to your junk. Until then, stay strong horny Jedi.

 

[neon tiger]

Woke up with a very healthy boner- sturdy, eager, willing. Got a feel for it, but didn't M or O. I did get a longing for a companion, which brought me to think about the last guy i dated, who really was into morning sex, and next thing i was thinking of the hot morning sessions we had. The "neighborhood" got dangerous.  so i got out of bed, and did a guided meditation for patience. I was restless, but meditation is about being in the present moment just as it is, so i came to terms with that restlessness. 

I had a couple drinks last night.  Have read of a few guys on here about that being a trigger.  Ill be vigilant, even if i only have a drink once in a while. Otherwise, i was a new person- outspoken, funny, amused, present, thoughtful. No doubt a result or whatever reboot has happened so far.

Heading out to a massage (yay!), and a bunch of other pre christmas things today. 

 

[chiefmitch88]

Congrats on the MW and 50 days Neon!

 

[johngalt75321]

Hi Tiger,

First, congrats on hitting 50 days!!! That's so awesome and I am jealous, lol. I was reading your earlier posts, and you're right, dating is different for us. I can't tell you how many times I've seen "quality" guys (on normal dating sites, claiming not to be interested in hookups) looking for hook ups on Grindr. Such a disappointment!

And yeah, alcohol is a huge trigger for me (anything past 2 drinks). It totally kills my self discipline and I end up doing things I know I shouldn't. But I'm fine as long as I don't drink anymore than 2. As of late, I've given it up completely (except for Saturdays), for diet reasons (which is much easier to explain than "I lose all self-control"!

Anyway, I'll be excited to hear "what comes next" from you 50+ day folks!

 

[neon tiger]

Thanks guys. This amount of time free of PMO is something that for years i only dreamed of. This forum has given me the strength i couldn't muster on my own.

Last, night i walked a very very thin line. I was reading an article online about an anti gay priest that got arrested for cruising another guy.  Below the article, there were random headlines, including one with a provocative pic from the HBO show "looking" (which i haven't seen, but have heard about). I clicked, and there was a video of a sex scene from the show.  quite explicit. I watched the two minute clip, when it hit me that the dopamine effect was building up, and i was making connections in my mind to memories of familiar prone scenes. Holy Shit!  So i came here, read some stories from you guys, and gave myself some time to calm down. Didn't touch myself. This morning i woke up with images of sex popping on my head, just like back when i was PMO ing, but nowhere near as strong. Scary shit. Just made me realize and remember what i am really gaining here, what is at stake, and how easy it is to loose it all. I don't want that back in my life, but i only have a daily reprieve contingent upon the maintenance of my spiritual condition. I am no saner or healthier than anyone on here, at 5, 50 or 500 days.

I am grateful for the strength I've found on this forum, and the blessings i am starting to see manifest in my life. (And really looking forward to meet someone i find attractive, kind, funny and agreeable to pursue and be pursued by).

 

[johngalt75321]

Hey Tiger--just wanted to say that has happened to me too: seeing an advertisement that led down a bad path. Good for you for not relapsing-it's really hard to stop once the demon is out of the box! Too bad "Looking" is so explicit-I have seen advertisements for the show and thought I might watch. But it sounds like typical HBO softporn. So, we better skip it, oh well, lol. Stay strong!

 

[didgeridude]

Hey Tiger, good job on having an escape/coping mechanism for when a moment of trial hit you. I think that is pretty critical. Triggers can hit at any time from any source, and we need to have a plan in place and one that is strong enough to practically be a reflex. Well done, and keep it up!

 

[neon tiger]

Thanks Didgeridude- I guess coming here and reading stories has been my strategy since i started my reboot. Congrats to you as well, and to John for staying strong!

I am packing and getting ready to head to JFK in a few to go home for the holidays. I am very thrilled about this trip, but it will also be interesting to see how i maintain my reboot intact . Don't know why, but going home regresses me to being the same 12 year old that dumps all dishes in the sink, leave empty bottles in the fridge, and in the past, yes, jerks off and hides tissues behind or under the bed. (embarrassing, i know, but I've talked about this with friends -minus the MO- and many of them express the same experience). Anyway, i will be mostly surrounded by friends and family, and this year i have a lot to celebrate, but i will be relaxed, feeling good about myself, and that a trigger for entitlement for me.  I know cruising places back home i can go to and get a fix.  i need to be vigilant.

I intend on meeting my 60 day goal, and set up the new one to 90 immediately. With the help of all off you guys in this forum i should be fine.

 

[enoughisenough]

Congrats on your progress toward 60, NT. Really great to see your progress!