Lifting the fog...

[neon tiger]

Quite literally too Dhira-  i heard some gunshots  from a couple hunters i could see across the river! 

Yeah, next stop: 30 days...

Had I surrendered to PMO earlier today:

- I would've not had an awesome workout (albeit it wasn't free of dopamine teasers)
- I would've not caught up with a few simple things at work that will buy me some major peace of mind in the week.
- I would've not bought and mailed some tea and supplements to my brother that he had asked me about.
- I would've not conversed with a few strangers while going around doing my errands.
- I would've not lit the grill (which i haven't in a couple months) to cook some pork cutlets for dinner.
 
But i did not surrender, so all those did happen.  No life changing in particular, but life nonetheless. Life happens when i stay away from PMO.  I am grateful- and tired!  Sleep wasn't great last night, which makes the haziness of today make more sense...

 

[neon tiger]

Pretty good day. Had brunch with a few friends.  I noticed that I was more present, both in how i paid attention to everyone else, and also in how i shared more genuinely.  I was much less in my head than i tend to be.  This is a huge piece that I hope and expect to regain through this process.

On the sex department, I feel kind of horny, but I don't know what or who to direct the horniness at, if that makes any sense.  Part of me feels like this is my brain craving porn, or casual sex.  I still find myself plucking hot strangers from reality- fantasizing and sexualizing them. It is annoying, but i am not surprised nor do i beat myself over it. Its been only 17 days.  Ive been taking that neural pathway for way too many years to expect such a drastic change.  But today I came across a very attractive guy at the gym today, and noticed something not at all sexual in nature (the drink he was having), and I was able to comment and have a casual conversation about it. That's small, yet huge for me. I am beyond grateful for the sense of possibility that a person's appearance will not impair my ability to connect with them as fellow humans.

Since i started this journey, Ive had only one sex dream, no wet drams, and a couple semis while sleeping or when i awake. I think my sexual self is very confused.  Thats fine, Id be happy to give up libido for 90 days if I could, but I'm sure libido has some tricks up its sleeve for me ahead.  Game on- bring it.

 

[neon tiger]

Anxiety returned today. In no way as intense as it was two weeks ago.  It was manageable, and overall the day went alright.

I wish sustained sleep came back today as well... Ive been falling asleep with no problem, but then i wake up between 3:00 and 4:00 and then i wander in bed till the alarm goes off.  I am not feeling tired all day though, but I'm in bed way earlier than before.

And deja vus!!! I had my first in years a couple days ago, and then today i had two.  Has this happened to anyone else?

Nothing too different from yesterday in the sex department. Really wishing for a wet dream really- i miss the sensation of an orgasm. I wonder if i should consider MO without porn, but i won't before the 30 days, and I would like to discuss with a fellow rebooter. Anyone up for walking me through that decision would be greatly appreciated. 

Today i am not planning on relapsing.  Thats a pretty darn good day in my recovery book.

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Hang on there Buddy. You are doing great. Some people say that they have better sleep by taking ZMA suplements? I take it but I am not sure cause I never had much trouble to sleep. Don't know, maybe it can help.

About the MO without porn, I have no experience to help on it so I will be quiet. I will just reinforce that you are a really good person for helping me the way you are, you don't earn anything by it and yet you help. You deserve all the best. You are not alone, we will be here rooting for you and will celebrate when you beat this porn thing once and for all. I have no doubt you will.

 

[neon tiger]

Thank you tzimisce- and welcome to day two!  It will be a great one.

I was sober from alcohol for about seven years (through a 12 step program).  Then i reconsidered the alcohol piece since the reason  i ended up in AA was substance abuse, and not alcohol (things got bad enough that i abided by the no anything rule), and at that point I felt i had restored enough of my life that i could revise the alcohol part.  But before i had a drink, i talked to a few friends (some in AA) and my therapist for a couple months actually. Now i drink very occasionally- don't seek it, and don't obsess about it.

PMO has been operating for the vast majority of those years of substance sobriety though, which makes sense. Which is also why this rebooting process feels like it did back in 2006 when i got clean and sober- the mental fog, the anxiety...

Day 18.  Lets do this. 

 

[neon tiger]

Well, i slept better last night, and anxiety didn't show up today. Overall good day. 

I am very horny. Just got a raging boner while taking a shower. Thought about releasing it. Would've had none of the traits of my usual PMO behaviors, habits or rituals. I never MO in the shower- don't care for it. And the motivation would've been pure release.  But i didn't.  After this morning reflection and comparing it to my AA experience, i realized its too early to trust my judgement. I will still hope for a wet dream to reward me one of these days (hehe). 

I am definitely putting myself out there among others with more confidence and conviction, so a can already see that some of the results i came here to get.  But what i ultimately want is to eradicate porn from my life, and to recover is the ability to have a relationship in which I can be BOTH sexually aroused AND emotionally connected. Nonetheless, i believe what i am getting so far and what i ultimately want are related. Ive never pursued a relationship with someone I've met casually or through friends, work or other interests.  Everyone I've dated I've met through a dating or hook up site. and I believe that is a big statement about what my priorities are or what i look for in a relationship. This in itself would be a big shift.

I always said when i came into recovery that cigarettes were my body's addiction, drugs were my mind's, and sex and porn were my soul's. I also thought that they went that same way in terms of easiest to hardest to kick off. I still think that is the case. I am very grateful that i am finally at this stretch of my process.

 

[neon tiger]

I went to bed so horny yesterday that i was restless and didn't sleep well.  Today i am too exhausted to be horny. Not thinking of anything other than sleep. Grateful for not having to struggle to stay away from PMO today

 

[neon tiger]

Wow, three weeks- definitely the most time I've done in at least 8 years, if not ever. Didn't think about it too much today. Im second in command at my job and first is gone today and tomorrow, so i was running the show. Felt good to be trusted and believe i am trustworthy and capable- things i usually doubt when i am PMOing. I feel like I'm a scam and a lie and an impostor in everything i do.  This time off of PMO makes me feel all my insecurities skin deep, but i feel genuine, and hopeful that they will fade as i rewire myself and shift the perspective.

And i will be in a meaningful relationship with someone that will bring the most intense boners out of me and we will work through them together (hehe).

 

[rodrigo_reboot]

Great job. 21 days is an amazing feat. You will have everything you dream of, you deserve it.

 

[neon tiger]

I slept 8 hours today- yay  ;D

Today I feel grateful and calm, but i am also aware that i will need to shift this process in a different gear soon.  I will need new sources of endurance, and that means i need to look at other behaviors. Mainly, i need to put myself out there among others more often and in more different ways.  Right now, the vast majority of my social interaction happens with co-workers, and at work.  Being  in a leadership position, i think its not appropriate to expand that relation beyond the workplace.  That being said, my PMO mindset and all the shame i carry associated with sex has been my biggest impediment to connect with others, and for me that is the biggest piece that i would like to heal through this process.  Ive had the PIED and the PIDE at times, but i know these will fall in place. 

I would like to join groups.  Cross fit, bowling, cycling, fodies- whatever connects me with others through common interests. With the shame out of the way, i will feel less anxious stepping into these settings and begin connecting with others.

Today, i am going to an Ex's birthday party.  Were were together for two years, and all the people in that party is people i met through him for those two years, and haven't seen since (3 years).  I know there won't be much to share and bond over with any of them, but i have maintained a friendship with my ex that i value enough to show up and celebrate with him, if at least for a little while.  He is now married and in a solid, stable relationship. PMO probably played a big role in me not being that person today.

I am single, but i am bringing my best friend.  It will be insightful to say the least , but I feel good about it all.

 

[neon tiger]

Run neon tiger there's a lot on your mind
They promised just to pet you, but don't you let them get you
Away, away, oh, run
Under heat of the southwest sun

Took to the spotlight like a diamond ring
Came from the woodwork and the hopes they might
Redeem themselves from poor decisions to win big

Run neon tiger there's a lot on your mind
They'll strategize and maim you, but don't you let them tame you
You're far too pure and bold
To suffer the strain of the hand and its hold.

I don't wanna be kept, I don't wanna be caged, I don't wanna be damned, oh hell
I don't wanna be broke, I don't wanna be saved, I don't wanna be S.O.L.
Give me rolling hills and tonight can be the night that I stand among the thousand thrills
Mister cut me some slack, 'cause I don't wanna go back, I want a new day and age

Come on girls and boys, everyone make some noise!

Run neon tiger there's a price on your head
They'll hunt you down and gut you, I'll never let them touch you
Away, away, oh, run
I'm begging you neon tiger run

Under the heat of
Under the heat of
Under the heat of southwest sun

Neon tiger
There's a lot on your mind

 

[neon tiger]

Well, unbeknownst to me, i had a lot more to share with the guests at my ex's party (and they cared a lot more about me) than I would've imagined! What i thought was going to be a one hour act of appearance became 4 hours or genuinely good times.

Also unexpected was the reflection that followed about our past relation. Without going into details, it ended because i had not developed the capacity to love myself, let alone loving someone else. I was immersed in porn for most of the two years we were together, masking and numbing insecurities, feeding my ego and selfishness. He told me many times over that i am a much better person than i gave myself credit, up to the conversation when we broke up.  Three years later, much has happened in my life in the professional area that has proven him right, and now through recovery from PMO I am also starting to see the person that i couldn't see back then, but somehow he could.

I also got news that a close friend i haven't been in touch lately suddenly passed away a few days ago. Guy my own age, with a full life ahead of himself. Going to the funeral tomorrow, where i will connect with many other common friends.  I am happy that i will be able to be there for them.  If i was in full PMO mindset i wouldn't have even considered going.  I would've rationalized that we were really not that close, and let my ego protect me from being emotionally available for those that i love.

So the day for me has had a mixed feeling of sadness and grieving, but also peace and hope. Hard to explain- Seeing the life i could be having right if not for my messy brain, but also seeing the life i can have if i stick to this journey of recovery.  Im at peace and filled with acceptance, gratitude and hope.

I have also had a few moments of intense horniness today.  I got a major boner prompted by someone i came across at the gym.  I wasn't obsessing- did notice him, but at some point we were working out very close to each other and thats when it hit me.  I later allowed myself some mental fantasizing with this person, partly because it felt right to feel sexually functional and alive (yeah, maybe some dopamine craving/binging there), but also i was kind of curious about how physically hard i could get without touching myself (which i didn't- and i got pretty solid hard).  I pulled myself out of the thought after about three minutes, once i dropped the fantasy to notice my boner, and my mind didn't go back there. 

I am horny right now.  I wish i had a meaningful (or even a casual but trusting) relation with someone i could get it on.  It feels right today. Not having that person in my life is a bummer.  :-\

Keeping my eyes on the prize for today.

 

[neon tiger]

Day 25.

Quite an accomplishment. Feeling proud and hopeful.  But my PMO cravings are also crying for some attention. Last night i clicked on a tab that promised naked pics of one of those big brother pseudo celebrities. next thing, there is a loop ad of a full on porn scene next to it. Shit, I'm watching porn!  I closed it within seconds, but it was enough to get my heart racing. Gotta keep super vigilant, and like i said before, shift gear with what i am doing in my daily life to heal my mind. I also am craving casual hook ups, which is something that at some point i lost control over. I am not pursuing it, but i am finding myself getting rock hard at the gym over some stranger. Not sure how to deal with that. I read on some other post about this technique that pretty much awakens the beast and then you cut it dry. I have mixed feeling about that, but seems like it is what i am doing for those non sought moments of intense horniness.

Back in the evening for my daily dose of recovery.

 

[newday]

That is the same way temptation works for me, actually, I keep finding myself starting to type searches I am trying to avoid,

Keep up the good work

 

[chiefmitch88]

I wish i had a meaningful (or even a casual but trusting) relation with someone i could get it on.  It feels right today. Not having that person in my life is a bummer.

It is a bummer Neon. Feeling lonely is a large trigger for me too. I would often resort to PMO/chatting to feel comfort. It is a hard habit to break but I know the dividends starting paying off when we start separating ourselves from our addict minds.

I've been reading a book that Mechanic10 recommended to me. Breaking the Cycle by George Collins. He has a number of very relevant mental exercises that help you to deal with sexual addiction. It has been an incredibly helpful read. It has helped me to identify that person (subpersonality) I was when I retreated from life and clung wholeheartedly to PMO/chatting. It has also helped put me in touch with my "essenital self" or "essence" as he calls it. The one inside that knows the things I do with PMO are hurtful and self-destructive.  The one true thing that Collins urges us to remember is that your essence is always with you and with practice you can implore it to help you when things are rough. You are not your mind and you do not have to do those things that "subpersonalities in your amphitheater compel you to do." Hope that makes sense.

 

[neon tiger]

Thank you Newday. And congrats on choosing to embark with us on this journey of recovery.

Chiefmitch- thank you!  I already placed the book order (i like hard copies). I just went to your thread and noticed the awareness of the amphitheater in your reflection. From previous experience with friends on 12 step programs, i have known it as 'the committee'.  Same concept, and for us in a journey of recovery, a very powerful tool to make sense of it all and find our true selves. Another friend once shared an analogy that resonated with me: My mind is like dangerous neighbor- I should never navigate by myself. That is what Reboot nation gives me- many allies to navigate this healing path.

I also read other pieces of your story that belong in my story as well, but ill comment on your thread regarding those later. Now i am heading out to a friend for Thanksgiving with her family. My whole family is back in Puerto Rico, so i don't always know where i will be for these kind of holidays.  It usually makes me feel horrible about myself (the committee speaking). Today, i don't feel any of that. I even baked a dessert to bring with me, and i am planning on stopping by another good friends house (who has been going through a very rough year now) on my way back to visit with him and his sick wife. I can only credit it to the recovery i already made over the last few weeks through reboot nation, and the sense of hope, commitment and support i get from all of you here.  I am very grateful for that.

 

[neon tiger]

Life feels pretty dull today. I did read two thirds of a book i was looking forward to though, and that had been my main plan for today.  Sexually i am longing for the rush or porn, or the physical intensity of a hook up, but not necessarily craving any of them. I think the dullness state of mind is partly the fact the i am not giving my brain any reward or dopamine hit. Is this what flatline is?  a deep sense of blah? It now makes so much more sense to me that i fell in love with skydiving this past fall...

Im almost at my goal two now.  30 days is unbelievable!

 

[TodayIsTheDay]

Hey bro, I just wanted to offer my congratulations for making 30 days clean.  I went back and read your journal.  Sounds like it's been a journey.  Keep up the good work!

 

[neon tiger]

Thanks Today. Now that i see a check mark besides my counter it is official. I am quite amazed to be honest. I haven't gone this long ever in my adult life i believe. And i am also grateful for this online community, and hopeful of what lays ahead on this path.

Now its time to set a new goal.  I know that to me it was essential that my first goal was something i saw as attainable at the time.  14 days was realistic, and with the help of all of you, i made it.  Then 30 would be basically doubling what i already had done. I am not sure if i want to set it up at 45, 60 or 90 days.  Ultimately, the amount of time is not as relevant as the healing that goes on in my mind, but the counter keep my eyes on a goal as well as serves as a testament to all of us on here that it is possible- even to me, if i relapse (which i am not planning on doing today, but i an not exempt nonetheless).

I also want to consider whether to allow MO without porn or fantasizing. I gave myself a boner the other day solely on sensation to see if i was capable of getting one, and i did. Once i realized that, i pulled away.  A part of me feel a little scared of what emotion it would bring about, but on the other hand i am single and, well, you know...

Then again, i also want to regain (or develop for that matter) the hunting hunger and putting myself out there.  I am concerned that Mo will squash that a bit. Any thoughts or ideas are greatly appreciated

 

[RedClef88]

Hey Neon,
  Congrats on 30 days! That's a great accomplishment! If I could give a piece of advice: constantly remind yourself of the benefits your getting, and remember that each day is worth a pat on the back.