60 days- yay...
And even though I truly am proud and excited to have hit this checkpoint, I do say it in a sarcastic tone of sorts, because right now I feel like there's not too much to celebrate in my life besides the 60 days.
I'm home for the holidays now until the 3rd. I hate to love my family. Been looking forward to this trip since September, but within 24 hours I am reminded loud and clear all the reasons I am glad I am not around. My mom is a chronically depressed woman with a strong emotional grip on everyone around; my 43 year old single mom sister just moved out of my mid 70's unhealthy parents house with her 6 year old son, but still stays here half the time, not to help them, but to be helped by them. I don't want to ramble on about this, but that's a good glimpse on the situation.
So why would I be looking forward to this? Well, in the last six months I completed a post graduate degree, got a new job, relocated, turned 40, (and began rebooting from PMO, unbeknownst to them- no need to share) and Ive gone through all this almost by myself, except for 3 friends that I am beyond grateful for, but don't see as often since I relocated. I have been too busy to build a social network since I started the new job, which is an entire new role, and let's not downplay how immensely difficult it is for me to connect with others in social settings. It is so bitter for me to have good things happen to me with no one to share them with, I almost wished they never happened in the first place. My family though- well, I belong here, I am kin, I am part of it, I make it whole; or at least the idea of the family I hold on to, because there is not much of it left here. Love, yes, but barely any joy.
But still, there's plenty to celebrate in my life, and with 60 days of recovery under my belt, that desire for connection and kinship is even stronger. I have some friends from high school still in the area, people I had somewhat of a connection that went on for a couple years beyond high school. I did removed myself from many of them at around 20, looking to find people who were a better fit for me, but we still stayed in touch. Then, through the new people drugs entered the picture, and with them, my illusion of a sense of belonging, followed shortly thereafter by casual sex, porn, all those mirages. And then at 31 I moved to the U.S. But in the last five years or so that I've come to visit, we've met at gathering and have had a good time. I figured they would show up if I put together a party for us to get together and celebrate our 40th birthdays together. Well, no one did. Guess my idea of what connecting is and what it really is are two different things. I've suspected this before, and have wondered many times in my life if there is a high functioning level of autism ( higher than asperger) that explains my seeming inability to 'get' people and social interactions, because I am definitely missing something- or was my upbringing so dysfunctional that I cannot overcome this skewed ness.
And then theres the arrival yesterday of my 44 year old brother from Oregon, who sent the family a group text message in October sharing with all of us that he left his wife and got married in August to a 25 year old woman, only for us to receive a group text two weeks later from the new wife saying that he abandoned him and went back to the old wife and she was crushed, and receiving another group message from my brother on the 20th of this month saying that they're back together and bought plane tickets to come for the holidays from the 29th to the 8th (this has been his pattern over that last 5 years, since he divorced his first wife- three additional wives under his belt, countless other romances). To say that the whole family is fed up with him is an understatement, yet my mother went out of her way and pushed beyond her health limits to have the house impeccable, cook a huge meal and upon their arrival, everyone looks delighted by their presence and company. Is this me once again not 'getting' people, but the anger and frustration in many conversations days before were very real. I wasn't rude or mean by any means, in fact I was very courteous, but also very casual. I don't have the stamina to show a celebratory spirit when I don't see a lot to celebrate.
I am also jealous of course. I have been eating Christmas leftovers since Thursday (which I was okay with since I know how limited my mothers health is), and entertaining my sisters son so everyone else can take a breather or get stuff done (no other kids around), which I genuinely enjoy, but it is tiring. So, when people at work said "Puerto Rico, I'm so jealous" I would say to myself, "yeah, it's not what you think..."
I've wanted to PMO so bad; I've even wanted to go find out if my crack source is still in the same place. I'm not going to, but ugh! I'm heading out to the gym in a few, I am paying an exorbitant 10 bucks per visit, but it feels like money so well spent right now. I've been there every chance I get.
So my bro's 15 year old daughter is here with him, and out of the blue she had all these questions for me about yoga and meditation and the search for enlightenment. God knows she's been through some rough times in her life (my brother's marriage to her mom was very chaotic for most of the time it lasted, and now she lives with her verbally abusive mother). She a very interesting mind and soul, and we have a kinship since I took care of her for a summer when she was three. I'm looking forward to hang with her.
So yeah, 60 days- yay...
