The future will be bright

I am 33 years old and will marry next year. For the last few months, I´ve been doing better and better in stopping this timewasting compulsion of watching P photos at work. The last years I have been active in a small community of extreme consumers. Almost every day I would talk to them and share material. It is always new and it was interactive. Being very social, my biggest problem was leaving the other people. That is luckily a very good strategy for me to be on this forum now, where I could interact while being on the right path.
My story started at a young age, discovering P by an older friend that showed me the ways to get in contact with P. Later, I would consume it more and more. From the kink scene I discovered erotic hypnosis and as I loved the taboo, I started using that a lot.
At that point, I met my first girlfriend. The expectations and fear of all these new things, gave me terrible PA. As the idea of ´having to do´ PIV would give me PA, I was not interested in that anymore and avoided it.
For years, I have been struggling with this PA. I knew that all virtual sexual stimulation made this worse, but it was my only alternative.
I had weeks and even months being completely rid of P, but as I had a new girlfriend and I thought about even the possibility of PA, the PA destroyed everything.
My first 3 partners were awful at supporting someone with PA and I see it as a lack of respect and intelligence now. I am now in my fourth relationship and since the beginning, I´ve had only slight PA which is mostly there when I am tired (everyone can be tired sometimes, I tell myself). She knows about my PA past and she suffers from it herself in a mild form of vaginism, so we have tons of respect for eachother. We learned how to understand eachother and people here can always ask me for advise about that topic.
In the beginning of that beautiful relationship, she discovered a blog that I had made in the time before our relationship where I shared/reblogged random P photos. Even today it hurts her that I tried to hide that from her. I was honestly slowing that down, to be able to quit. It´s because of the slowing down itself, that I got careless and she found out. I deleted everything immediately.
We are together 5 years now and in the last years, I´ve been struggling in my head, wanting to consume P again. It is crazy, because my PA is better and my girlfriend is amazing in every way. It is just more a sort of compulsion, because I don´t even enjoy it.
As I said, having a community is what had kept me on the bad side, but I am certain it can easily keep me on the good side as well. Today, wednesday 12 october, I start counting the days!
 
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I have been thinking about creating some sort of little ...let´s call it it ´programme´ with things that you can do with the new free time that you have when stopping this time-wasting addiction.

I´ve noticed that I have been reaching out to friends a lot more now that my mind is clear. I´ve heard some people feel really isolated while they are in a period of watching porn. To those people, I´d love to give the task, to just contact your close friends. How are they doing? Maybe they have time to meet-up? I think it´s been more than a year that I had a call longer than 5 minutes with my best friend and he told he how much he appreciated it that I took the initiative to call him.

If you have a partner, listen and try to accomplish those things asked from you first. She asked you to fix the sink multiple times, now go for it. Why would you do that right now? It´s because if you show your partner how you are working on those things, it will: a) reduce stress in the relationship on this more sensitive moment, b) maybe give some encouragement/feedback from your partner that you are doing a good job concentrating on the relationship together as a team. For me personally, nothing is more painful than trying to quit porn while having your partner upset about something silly, because it´s at those little moments that some people could relapse in bad habits. So, first, fix those things.
The second step, when no danger is around (you know, the "i asked you a million times to do..."), you are going to do the opposite. What I mean by that is, first you did something that was completely expected, now you´ll do something unexpected. Watching porn can really put a halt on your own creativity and spontaneous love life. Surprise your partner with something they would really like, it can be flowers, booking a restaurant or just being early from work (if you happen to spend too much time away from home).

For those that are quitting, even the newbies that just wrote a first journal entry, I would advise them to try this. Reboot is also about building your relationships, with family and friends.
 
The easy and difficult days. I don´t think I´m the only one that has difficult moments based on a weekly schedule (created by work or family reasons). For me personally, it´s on the more ´boring´ days at work that I neglected my work to find dopamine. I think having an extra task, something more excited, could stop that trigger. My plan right now is to make a list of to-do´s, important or just exciting but still productive, to keep me concentrated on working. (It´s not really being lazy, it´s the motivation that just lacks sometimes, after years of unnatural doses of dopamine that sometimes were more interesting than passion for work.)
 
15/10, day 4
Today was a very fun day in general. Been with my girlfriend all day, so it was very easy to stay away from pmo.
But now, this evening, she is meeting with some friends while I am at home.
In the past, that used to be a very difficult moment for me. Whenever I was alone at home, I did pmo. It was my "me time". So being alone at this very moment is difficult. It´s good to have this forum, to talk about difficult moments. I´ll spend my time with gaming, watching series and working a bit in the house...
 

CB

Active Member
Stay strong! I know exactly the feeling when the gf goes away for the evening or a night. We’re so used to that it meant pmo time for hours on end, that it’s almost like I got a little panic first time it happened. I’ve been playing video games or computer and watching series or whatever, staying busy is always good.
Every now and then a trigger pop up and I aknowledge it and let it go, and keep gaming away some more. Feels great waking up and knowing we madr it through.
You will too! 👍
 
Day 7
Thanks, CB! I felt so proud I could tell my gf the truth about how I was spending my time while she was away, and not having to lie about what I was doing.
I´m actively thinking about doing a good reboot and it is working for me, it motivates me knowing I´m doing something healthy for my mind.
I´m a fan of a series of books, where the main character (John Carter, for those interested) always chooses to be honest, brave and true to himself. Those books really keep me on the right track. That man has such great moral values and it´s inspiring to see him fight for it so much.
I do not allow myself anymore to do anything that - if someone would find out - could bring me shame in any form. And I don´t mean that in the sense "I won´t do that because someone could discover what I did". I mean I don´t want to take any action, that does not allow me to honestly and proudly say I did that exact thing. I remember living by that rule at some point around 6 years ago and I´ve never felt as good as I did at that moment. I felt people counting on me, like I could help others be safe and be their best version. I want to be that same person again, for myself and for the people around me.
 
Day 10
Everyday I think about my reboot. My partner is really noticing how I am connecting more with her and it feels amazing. I am also starting to regain confidence, because I´m not exposed to the negative energy of P anymore and because if the shame that goes with it afterwards. When I start to feel these benefits, it is as if I enter a rollercoaster of motivation. I´m also thinking about not posting each and every day here, because at the end we all want to graduate from this website like a student leaving university with good grades. So I want my brain to be used to the idea of not needing this forum each day.
 

SimonM

Active Member
That's great to hear! And I agree with your statement about graduating from RN. But in my experience 10 days is still very early days. After that initial motivation to quit for many of us there's actually a really hard period after. So beware! If you start to see the signs, don't ignore them, but do whatever it takes to stay on track! Strength brother!
 
Yes, that´s true. My previous attempts would be 7-14 days without pmo. But this is the first time I have a community to stand with me, which helps so much! I will be careful though and return whenever I feel those symptoms of a more difficult moment. Being able to help others here also helps a lot, it encourages doing good thing online and offline, for yourself and others.
 
Day 12
Okay, here we go again, my gf is leaving me alone at home for two hours. This time I have my schedule: working in the garden and playing some games for maybe half an hour or so afterwards as a reward.
Two days ago, I was so energetic and was home very early with my gf, so after dinner we cleaned up the house on my initiative. She must think I´ve gone crazy, running around the house on a friday evening haha. I had watched a little youtube video about the feeling of being overwhelmed: all the things you micromanage at work, plus the constant internet ads and messages,... and then all the chores at home. So I thought it necessary to start cleaning everything, not only inside my head, but also outside my head. I also use the two second watching rule, as p made me a ´looker´. I hate that I have this urge to check women (irl or photos for example), like I´m single and searching. So now I tell myself: "yes that is a beautiful woman, but she is a human being with own thoughts and a family and her own life, so don´t mind her so much" and it kinda starts working.
 
Day 13
Still on the right path. Had a wet dream last night and I feel an immense need to be with my gf.
On the other hand, I´m experiencing a bit more ...light anger issues. I´m not sure if that is part of the rebooting as I´ve seen others mentioning that as well. It´s not that I really get angry or so, but I feel a huge decrease in my patience for bullshit haha. I cannot smile anymore to someone that doesn´t respect me, I cannot follow someone´s instructions when I think they are on the wrong path themselves. Yesterday, a friend suffering from substance addiction wanted to play drinking games with the group of friends, while he didn´t even have money for it and asked his friends at an expensive bar to pay his drinks. I just couldn´t accept that. I told him it was a bad idea to drink beer after beer in fast-paced drinking games especially when you just left the psychiatry ward, take antipsychotics and don´t have the money to pay for the drinks. I was the only one at the table that dared to speak up, saying it was a bad idea, but they see me as the grumpy one. It feels good being able to write this in my online diary here, because I felt so surrounded by people over there not caring about their future and I told myself "you do your reboot, man, just stay away from temptations and care for yourself and your friends in the long run". I can tell they have their demons but they´re not fighting them, felt so misunderstood. I feel emotionally a lot safer knowing this forum exists, or I could have given up as a way of selfdestruction to channel my frustration, what I used to do in the past. But not anymore, I refuse to. I believe in RebootNation and how we can stand strong together.
 
Day 14 of no PMO
I finally reached my longest streak in - what would it be - three years. And those previous two-week periods away from pmo would be on holiday with my gf. So yeah, it´s a good start I think.
I just came into contact with a trigger for me, a collegue that flirts for fun a lot. It gives me the bad signal that oversexualizing is okay and feels like psychologically opening a door to pmo for me. Not going to step through that door today.
Comparing myself to two weeks ago, I feel much healthier on an intimate level with my partner. Luckily up till now I haven´t noticed any flatline symptoms down there. I´m at 14 days of no pmo or sex, I only do intimate. Having serious mw the last days and whenever I´m with my gf.
 
Day 15
Still doing great with the no PMO. I notice being in a more difficult period now, the two weeks, where my head is telling me I should celebrate the two weeks by stopping my reboot and find dopamine. Things at work and in the house are getting so much better as my productivity is almost doubled! It feels great being able to talk to my co-workers, being needed at work and see the good progress at the job.
I feel more cravings these days and I now become aware that I am seeking my dopamine from my gf. One could say that´s a good thing, being more passionate, but I also don´t want my brain to think it can survive with bad habits by searching dopamine there. I will try to keep my head calm, not have fantasies running through my head that may prevent the rewiring.
I think just being careful will be a good balance. Let´s hope it will work out!
 
Day 16
Having a more difficult time to control the growing cravings. Tomorrow there will be more triggers so I´ll have to keep my mind occupied with good things and not focus on the easy dopamine fix.
 

CB

Active Member
Stay strong, you’ve made it over two weeks now. Remember that it’s jus temporary and it will get better, but first, some days will be really tough and challenging. Stay focused and set ln your goal, go for a walk or do mindfulness if it gets really stressful. 👍
 
Day 17
Thank you, @CB ! It really is and I didn´t really expect it. I would have assumed it to just be easier each day, but the two week milestone is something I struggled with in the past. I´ll do my best. I read that the growing urges is a sort of last attempt for the addicted brain connections to stay alive, so I´ll just keep fighting until they die off.
I had a dream that I was relapsing and quitting my reboot. It´s crazy how the urges even haunt me while I sleep. I woke thinking: damn, did I just destroy my streak?! Then I realised that I didn´t slip up and was still on the right path.
I do some quick relaxation moments when I feel some stress or urges. I also stopped listening to music while driving and when I really need dopamine, I reward myself with some music. It´s like taking away two things at once, so I can reward myself with one and it tricks my mind everything is cool.
 
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Day 20
I feel much better, probably two reasons. First, I passed the two week threshold, and it feels like a climbing my first mountain and enjoying the view. Second, this weekend I have O´ed with my gf. For me, the rebooting is about building the relationship with my gf and blocking out all other dopamine by other women (internet, television, out on the street,...). Addiction means secrets and hiding. My gf can sense when I´m getting nervous and I would always feel anxious when she grabbed my phone. I´d be paranoid about her discovering my weird fetishes and continued use of P. This weekend, for the first time that I can remember, I gave her my phone for her to use youtube. I had nothing to hide, nothing to fear. It felt so good to just be an honest man for her. The only thing I still do behind her back is being here on rebootnation. When I feel ready, I will be able to stop logging in to rebootnation, and become 100% honest, which is the final goal.
(Some might say I should be 100% honest about my past too, but then she´d dump me or it would destroy the relationship. I focus on being the best me from now on! I cannot change the past but I can decide my future!)
 
Day 22
I feel myself slowly recovering. Yesterday someone made a joke that was partly about pmo and normally my fear and guilt would kick in but now I felt more relaxed. Being away from P for some weeks now is giving me that mindset of not being a P user. I will continue this reboot until I can see myself completely as a strong non-user and not feel addressed by the topic. With every passing day, there is less shame, it is extremely liberating!

After reading some journals from you guys, I want to write something extra. I start to realise that it was P that destroyed my relationships. I couldn´t really admit that completely, as it´s difficult to stare straight at your mistakes. The second big consequence is that it gave me a light form of depression. I have a tendency to never contact my friends although I love being around them, I just don´t feel like contacting people. I really noticed being depressed when I got a big christmas gift from my parents many years ago and I just couldn´t feel happiness. I faked being happy because I was very grateful and really respect my parents and logically I knew it was an amazing gift, but I just couldn´t FEEL any joy in my body. I felt so empty. I knew something was wrong with me but I just couldn´t say what it was. Some years ago I discovered that staying away from P can heal that empty feeling. I´m now starting to feel more emotions again. I´ve been so fucking numb for years and I could cry about how much emotions I´ve missed all these years by drugging myself with dopamine kicks.
 
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Day 24
Still doing good. No P, no P subs, no M. I had 3 O´s with my gf in total in this period, not PIV. The urges aren´t as strong as last week, but sometimes thoughts sneak into my mind, whispering softly I can let my guard down. Luckily I have RebootNation, because the stories I read here have much more power than those urge-whispers.
I haven´t noticed much withdrawal signs like flatline, depression or brain fog. I think that some of the things that we call withdrawal, like the anxiety, is actually there already in some people but it was hidden underneath the P abuse. It´s like a band-aid on a wound. When you stop PMO, you pull away the stupid band-aid and see the wound that is beneath it. It´s a very brave thing to do! You don´t want to cover up that wound and let it infect your body. You open it up, clean it and let it slowly heal.
 
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