I'm not sure about all of "The Twelve Steps" of groups like AA and SAA (I think it's called), but one step that makes sense to me is the idea of being powerless to control our addiction, or however else it might be phrased.
To me this means, for example, if we try to have "one last peek" at something, chances are it'll turn into much more of a relapse than we intended. Even if we seem to manage to have a quick peek and then move on, what about the chaser effect?
Another Twelve Steps kind of thought, and possibly more helpful. Let's just get through today and tonight without using, instead of thinking about recent relapses or potential relapses in a day or a week from now.
Just noticed that today is 1st July. As good a time as any to get serious again.
I've been doing okay but life has thrown some weird stuff my way lately. Apart from that, what drives me back to the addiction at times? It can be "social anxiety", although that's a more complicated subject than it's made out to be. Also I can be prone to impulsively "peeking" at something, usually something in the realm of "online chat".
One issue I'm sure I've mentioned before, is that I don't like the way sites like this can have a tendency to make us overly negative about resets. The fact that we had a reset is punishment enough really! I read a book once which said we should be "perfectionistic" about avoiding a reset, but if we've had a reset, drop the perfectionism about it, but get perfectionistic again about avoiding a future reset! Hope that makes sense.
I've just done a bit of chat account deletion and that kind of thing. Technically I have blockers too, but in practice they're easy to get around or just don't always work for whatever reason, so I shouldn't rely on them.
A decent enough day so far. No major urges. Some negative thinking, but not too bad. I mention urges and negative (or angry) thinking together because I think they can be similar in a way. They can both lead to trouble! At the same time I don't want to make a "bogeyman" out of things like negativity, anger and urges. Life isn't as simple as that.
Hobbies: Yes, and I'll do a bit more
Cleaning and tidying: Yes, and I might do some more too
I missed a day yesterday, as in I didn't make a journal post. Not very unusual for me, you might be thinking! But I'm trying to post more regularly. Anyway, yesterday I was dealing with a lot of negative and angry thoughts, and kind of social anxiety as well. All of this almost certainly came from something that happened last week, kind of a hangover from it, you could say. Fortunately I'm much better today, although I felt very tired at times in the afternoon.
At one point I had a fairly strong urge but got over it by making a quick private journal entry and then reading over some old messages between me and an accountability partner / friend. Must remember to try this again!
Hobbies: Yes, and I'll try to do a bit more
Cleaning and tidying: Some, not a huge amount. Oh yeah I did manage to do quite a lot of this yesterday despite my mood. My mood did affect my ability to do other stuff though.
Another thing I should remember is that there are techniques which can help when I have mood issues. Some of these are:
54321 mindfulness technique
Byron Katie's Questions
There's another one I haven't done for a few years and can't remember the name of lol, but it was helpful (edit - "healing code")
Pretty good day today, but a bit tiring at times. I was reminded at one point of how my urges for the addiction should never be acted on / given in to. It probably isn't worth explaining, or trying to explain, just trust me lol. A lot of my negative thinking isn't accurate either. On the other hand, some negativity or anger or whatever is in fact valid in a way (but may be expressed in an unhealthy way). You often have to trust your instincts.
Hobbies: Yes, and I'll try to do some more
Cleaning and tidying: Some, although I was busy and out and about a lot. I'll try and do a bit more though
There's been quite a lot of stress in my life lately, and not enough breaks in between the stress, if you know what I mean. Yesterday was pretty stressful as well, although I managed to chill out later on in the day.
I've got a half-formed thought in my head about how recovery sometimes goes well for us, and sometimes doesn't go well for us, and it's not always easy to work out why. But there are things we can do that can help, and attitudes which help and attitudes which don't.
One issue about keeping a journal like this is the fact that it's online! Well I suppose that's both good and bad. If you're wondering what I'm talking about, well we suffer from online addictions of sorts..
I am feeling somewhat more in control of the addiction at the moment. I don't mean I can control my addiction.. Just that I'm not getting strong urges and I'm deliberately avoiding triggers and yeah, that kind of thing. Cravings for other stuff such as alcohol or caffeine may be kicking in a bit more though. Maybe that's a good sign, or not, who knows lol.
Another issue I've noticed is when I make a journal post, or I message an accountability partner, and afterwards I may experience a fairly strong urge or rationalisation or something like that. Perhaps by writing the post I somehow remind myself of the addiction too much, or I feel overly in control of the addiction. Something to watch out for anyway!
A pretty busy today, and also one that involved a lot of exercise. Besides this, I have various things to think about coming up in the near future (or things I have to get ready for in one way or another). In other words, not a lot of room for urges and so on.. not that that always works, if you know what I mean! Sometimes we manage to make time for the addiction (in a bad way) when we have no time..
Another busy couple of days. Not sure if I've got much to say about recovery at the moment, but I'll give it a go. Don't act on urges - procrastinate on them instead! Deviate from them and do something else!
Now for some chilling out.. or at least I plan to as soon as possible! Hopefully the weekend will leave more time for hobbies and what have you.
I was tired at times today and felt an urge or two. Made it through them though, without too much trouble.
I've talked about being busy lately. Another issue is dealing with people who are, often, determined to be as stressed out as possible (like an addiction to stress if you know what I mean). The stress they generate can be a bit contagious so I'm trying to limit my time around them as much as possible.
Hobbies: Yes, although it was hard to concentrate on them at times.
Cleaning and Tidying: Some, hopefully more tomorrow
I had a bit of "Sunday madness". Actually, backup to Saturday. Saw a new film that day which triggered me, even though it was fairly "safe for work".
Anyway Sunday can often be a problem. I had another go at a dating site/app. I deleted my account today. Once again, these things aren't for me, although I can take one or two positives from it I think. Felt a bit depressed for a few hours after deleting it, but now I'm enjoying the return of my "saner self", if you like.
Got to be more prepared for weekends in some ways?