Hardwired from self-destruct

iwander

Member
Day 14

Well it's a big date for me. Don't remember when I held this long with NO PMO and not taking a trip or being in place with no connection. I am feeling quite good, had a morning wood with no sexual thoughts today first in I don't know how much months or years. Don't experience any desires for PMO for the last 2 days, even though I do spent time alone. Trying to keep my social live active, I taking care of myself better these days: sleep, food, sport etc. I am still have a struggle about my career and education, this will become my priority for the next 2 months. I don't know about my sex life, I gotta get straight my life first and the rest I hope will come along. I want to produce passion for creating things and doing something that's will be useful for people.

For a few days I got bored at counting days at the thread. I'll try to explain what I mean. We try to focus on days numbers, but it doesn't quite says anything about your condition or how successful/stressful you feel. I've read some threads how people had relapse after 60 or even 90 days. That doesn't mean that the counter drops to zero and they came back empty handed from their reboot. We expect our lives will become very different after 30,60,90 days that's why we here. So why wait? I will be still me after day 90 hits. We can go and do things we wanted to right now, today. The counter is a good, but that's not the point of all this fight. It's to become a better person and live a busy life that we always wanted. So we can forget about even about a counter. Making the day worth and not just increasing the counter.

I don't now if it makes any sense, but that's how I felt to counting these days about counting. I am still intend to continue to write my thread, because I made a promise in the beginning to do it, I am willing to keep it. But someday I hope I can forget about the counter too as many people did who came here
 
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cheeseck

Member
Day 13
It was a good day I would say. I almost had no sexual thoughts, didn't even think that I had a problem with PMO. I felt a little lazy and unmotivated in the morning but I did a yoga class and after that I had a great boost of energy. Started taking action of my problems that I didn't even want to start solving. Watched a movie with friends and made some plans for tomorrow. I can say that physical activities do give me a boost of energy for life and put me in a better mood. Gonna try to discipline myself do more of that throughout next week. No PMO
P.S. Merry Christmas everybody! Stay safe and connect more with your friends and family
Congrats on your new streak! Its my Day 1 and I shared my story in a different thread. Anyone needing an accountable partner I am here.
Lets get through this and educate everyone.
 

cheeseck

Member
Day 14
Well it's a big date for me. Don't remember when I held this long with NO PMO and not taking a trip or being in place with no connection. I am feeling quite good, had a morning wood with no sexual thoughts today first in I don't know how much months or years. Don't experience any desires for PMO for the last 2 days, even though I do spent time alone. Trying to keep my social live active, I taking care of myself better these days: sleep, food, sport etc. I am still have a struggle about my career and education, this will become my priority for the next 2 months. I don't know about my sex life, I gotta get straight my life first and the rest I hope will come along. I want to produce passion for creating things and doing something that's will be useful for people.

For a few days I got bored at counting days at the thread. I'll try to explain what I mean. We try to focus on days numbers, but it doesn't quite says anything about your condition or how successful/stressful you feel. I've read some threads how people had relapse after 60 or even 90 days. That doesn't mean that the counter drops to zero and they came back empty handed from their reboot. We expect our lives will become very different after 30,60,90 days that's why we here. So why wait? I will be still me after day 90 hits. We can go and do things we wanted to right now, today. The counter is a good, but that's not the point of all this fight. It's to become a better person and live a busy life that we always wanted. So we can forget about even about a counter. Making the day worth and not just increasing the counter.

I don't now if it makes any sense, but that's how I felt to counting these days about counting. I am still intend to continue to write my thread, because I made a promise in the beginning to do it, I am willing to keep it. But someday I hope I can forget about the counter too as many people did who came here
yes, I am here to keep a counter for atleast 2 months after (or until I no longer feel the urge to turn towards porn)
 

iwander

Member
Day 15

Well, it didn't go as happily and productive as I expected today, was stuck with watching youtube videos - ruined my workflow for day (working remotely is blessing and curse) . I think my father a little tripped me when he messaged me today (I am not in a good relationship with him). At evening I felt tempted again, didn't do anything but mentally started to remember names of pornstars I started watching porn with. Almost started googling names but stopped (it's kinda my trigger). Image is already a little blurred in my mind from all scenes and feelings that it gives. But it still there for now. Stayed late playing video games too. Gotta make a tabu on playing during weekdays. Tomorrow planning to do some yoga and take a walk that will shake things up a little. NO PMO today
 
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iwander

Member
Day 16

I got really close today to relapsing. Took a walk through town as I wanted, but only felt deeper in my thoughts. By evening, when I was all alone at home my mind was searching in my memory for my favorite scenes and actress. Took a phone a few times to start searching, not realizing what I was doing. Pressure was so high that it needed release so I screamed in a pillow for one minute straight damning the wicked thoughts, my condition and how I look helpless and scared. Felt a lot better after that (gave me more pleasure than PMO), my mind was clearer and negative energy and thoughts dropped and I started act again. Finally watched David Goggins podcast (
). Hell of a guy! Talks a lot about himself, but he has point about how body adjusts to whatever mind gives it. I used to run at school and university because I liked it. Gonna start tomorrow again, mostly for to calm my mind. NO PMO
 
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iwander

Member
Day 17

-They had us in first half, not gonna lie

Day started really slow because I overslept and didn't want to get up until I really had to. So I didn't have time in the morning, so I went in the evening for 20 minutes run. Felt exhausted and a little sick, but overall amazing. It gave me such boost in energy and confidence. I did more after that than for the first two days of the week. Overcame some anxieties I had about family and continued study Turkish language. Feels good to be alive. NO PMO
 
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iwander

Member
Day 18

- Not great, not terrible.
Day wasn't much for me. Did a few useful things, did a few useless too. Can't really tell that I had some progress. Time after time it hits me to go for PMO, somehow I find some sense not to fall in that pit again. Maybe it's just curiosity to find out can I do it, can I live without it? But I try to stay clean. Reading other stories on forum helps me a little, knowing that I am not alone in this. NO PMO today
 
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iwander

Member
Day 19

Today was quite an eventful day. I kept fantasying lately about the girl I met in sexual and non sexual way. Almost became like a routine in my mind: what would I do with her and how I would do it or what I would say and so one. Became really tired from this. Today at one point I again started tracking history of all pornstars that I used to watch for MO. I don't know why, from boredom I guess. Got stuck on one and couldn't remember her name. My first instinct was to google it. I caught that thought, I knew it is a trigger for me to start slowly searching, then photos and so on. Now this when a struggle began. I knew I could slip easily to the all habits. But when I tried to see the way where I could not do. It became blurred almost impossible to see. I don't know how I found my strength not to do it, maybe I kept repeating this image in my head as I finish this year with 20 day streak with no PMO. Anyway, I went for a 40 minutes run during lunch and spent a good day afterwards. I can see now how my mind is messed up with all this useless junk, how I could spend maybe hour and a half searching for perfect video or a star that I would like. Hope that I could change that in future. NO PMO today
 
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TypeN

Active Member
Reading this post man, I just wanted to say, I recognize myself in these behaviors you talk about: not only sexual fantasizing, but thinking about or doing some activity related to the addiction (in your case, making this list of porn stars once you got tired of fantasies). I think one thing it's been important for me to realize and internalize is that these behaviors are not just accidental. They are us engaging in our addiction. For me, it is very easy to tell myself: this is not PMO, since it is not looking at porn or jerking off. But I believe strongly that these things are our addicted brains attempting to exploit a lower level alternative that a) still stimulates us a little, and b) we can convince ourselves is "OK."

Not judging you at all, this has just been my experience lately and it's something I think many of us struggle with. Challenging, and the moreso since you're rebooting without MO too. Regardless, you're doing very well man. Keep it going, and maybe think a little about how to catch yourself in these moments and do something else instead. Going for a run like you did is a great choice.
 
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iwander

Member
Reading this post man, I just wanted to say, I recognize myself in these behaviors you talk about: not only sexual fantasizing, but thinking about or doing some activity related to the addiction (in your case, making this list of porn stars once you got tired of fantasies). I think one thing it's been important for me to realize and internalize is that these behaviors are not just accidental. They are us engaging in our addiction. For me, it is very easy to tell myself: this is not PMO, since it is not looking at porn or jerking off. But I believe strongly that these things are our addicted brains attempting to exploit a lower level alternative that a) still stimulates us a little, and b) we can convince ourselves is "OK."
Hey, thanks for reply! Oh, I agree with you about that, good thoughts. It's like we drawing a line for avoiding something and by choosing "lesser evil" we start coming closer to that line with less control and willpower. And before you know it you completely went past the line. Interesting what else we do like that in real life
 

iwander

Member
Day 20

BOOYAH​

It's a real pleasure for me to achieve this streak and come clean to new year. To make a decision to join this forum and start working on my addiction to PMO was one of the brightest ideas I ever had. People that are here are very supportive and I am grateful to all people who shared their stories, gave advises and supported each other. My birthday is in the next month so that will be my next goal to keep myself disciplined. I still have a long way to go, addiction of more than 10 years don't disappear so easy. I think if I can do this I will do anything, so maybe this is meant to be. NO PMO today

Happy new Year, fellas! I wish you all strength, patience, persistence and happiness. Stay safe, love.
 

TypeN

Active Member
Day 20

BOOYAH​

It's a real pleasure for me to achieve this streak and come clean to new year. To make a decision to join this forum and start working on my addiction to PMO was one of the brightest ideas I ever had. People that are here are very supportive and I am grateful to all people who shared their stories, gave advises and supported each other. My birthday is in the next month so that will be my next goal to keep myself disciplined. I still have a long way to go, addiction of more than 10 years don't disappear so easy. I think if I can do this I will do anything, so maybe this is meant to be. NO PMO today

Happy new Year, fellas! I wish you all strength, patience, persistence and happiness. Stay safe, love.

Congrats mate, big achievement. And happy new year! You're right -- if we can kick this we can do anything.
 

iwander

Member
Day 21

Today I had a wet dream, didn't had that like over a year or more. Disturbing is that during my dream I was doing PMO and even in my dream I was ashamed afterwards and upset. It was a huge relief when I woke up, but since I had such release I felt a little aroused for a day. Trying to keep track of my thoughts when I start dreaming about something sexual related, but overall I feel fine. NO PMO today
 

iwander

Member
Day 22

Well, I don't know where to start. Last couple days I let myself go: was really lazy, spent weekends staying late playing video games and watching movies. Today it cached up with me, went in that zombie mod when I was the least motivated person in the world. And before I realized I was searching some actress. It didn't go to watching P or nude images, but I did see their faces and list of names (too bad google is really great at it). Hell, I didn't even caread about streak I had that's how I was unconscious. I stoped after few minutes and went running for an hour to come to my senses. I did feel better afterwards but the urge didn't let go fully. When I came back and took shower I did MO. I don't know if it makes it better but I didn't fantasize about anyone or anything and I just enjoyed the process and pleasure it gave. What does bother me the most is that it's not that I did MO (I believe MO can be somewhat healthy), but it's that I didn't plan it and lost control on myself at that moment. Close to the evening I started to crave to start googling for PMO, I still do even now as I write this text. Even though I can't call it a relapse (maybe you have another opinion, please share), today doesn't feel like a winning either. I guess I was cocky and imagined that it would be a little easy to get over this and I put my guard down (I even forgot to congratulate myself on three weeks). Well, tomorrow is gonna be another day, gonna do better.
NO P
 
Hey
Don't worry too much if you have these small setbacks. If you worry too much about yourself and then, as a result, watch porn again, you will be even worse off. I think it is important to keep trying, and it will get easier. Also, it is better to MO without Porn, so you can maybe frame it as a small achievement and that you use it as a way out of your urges. And personally, after something like this happens, I try to be extra careful, as when I MO, it feels like I continue being horny for the rest of the day. I hope this is different for you, but if not, stay strong and keep up your streak! :)

I like that you picked up running! You could try building a routine so that whenever you have these thoughts, you will go for a run. Or you identified that it doesn't help when your father contacts you. Use it to your advantage! I currently search for such patterns and think of something I will do when they appear again. You got this! :D
 

iwander

Member
Day 23
I thougth about what happend yesterday and tried to look up some insights about relapse. I found this video that gave me some good thoughts about it which I recommend to watch
Basically relapse is when you fall in the old behaviour for a continued period of time. Also it taught me how bad visualization or fantasizing can be. Yesterday was a setback for me, sure. As a result today I was twice as tempted to start searching or just MO. I am managed to get a hold of myself and not to do it. Did a lot of productive activities today, which I am proud of. I still have some bad habit of fantasizing too much, especially in the morning after I wake up. Gonna try not to lie in the bed more than 5 minutes. Overall I am doing better. NO PMO today
 

iwander

Member
Hey
Don't worry too much if you have these small setbacks. If you worry too much about yourself and then, as a result, watch porn again, you will be even worse off. I think it is important to keep trying, and it will get easier. Also, it is better to MO without Porn, so you can maybe frame it as a small achievement and that you use it as a way out of your urges. And personally, after something like this happens, I try to be extra careful, as when I MO, it feels like I continue being horny for the rest of the day. I hope this is different for you, but if not, stay strong and keep up your streak! :)

I like that you picked up running! You could try building a routine so that whenever you have these thoughts, you will go for a run. Or you identified that it doesn't help when your father contacts you. Use it to your advantage! I currently search for such patterns and think of something I will do when they appear again. You got this! :D
Thanks man, that cheered me up during the day!
 

iwander

Member
Day 24
I completely misbehaved that day. I didn't any physical activity, got up late, ate junk food and played video games. Didn't even took a shover before going to bed. And most of all completely ignored the fact that I needed to fill daily journal. I am writing it in the next day morning, my lifestyle and morning visualization routine caught up with me - I slipped and did PMO in the morning( I think this was a result of lifestyle i kept on these weekends and can't blame anyone but myself. Anyway it looks like I am going back to the old ways, which is bad. If this will continue for the next 2 weeks (PMO or MO) I will reset counter and declare it as a relapse. I am not intend to do it as a punishment myself but I need serious consequences
 
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