the_badger
Member
DAY 28 (15 noMO)
Back again to go all the way
- Thread starter the_badger
- Start date
the_badger
Member
DAY 30 (0 noMO)
Pdub
Member
Congrats on your 30 days @the_badger !
the_badger
Member
Thanks Pdub and GBS! Happy new year to you as well!
Unfortunately, at the time of your congratulations I had fucked up already.
Slipped yesterday. After the MO on Monday it was dangerous, but I was quite sure, that I would worst case MO a second or a third time but stay clear of porn. Then I could not sleep for hours at night, started to browse on the phone and more or less by accident I found out about a weakness of the porn blocker and things went downhill.
Not the best way to start the new year. To be honest, I don't really know how to proceed from here. I was not sure a month ago if I can handle LongCov and Pornrecovery at the same time. And the past month rather confirmed that. When you are doing a reboot, you are supposed to engage in other positive activities, rather than just "wait" and avoid porn. But it's simply not possible for me at the moment. I used to do more sports, focus on hobbies and projects and apart from the withdrawal I also had good things in my life that showed me why I am doing this. I took cold showers that improved my mood and my energy. Now, I can't even do that. My autonomous nervous system is so fucked up, that a cold shower (just as any other intense activity and sensation) make it spin out of control and cause a bunch of symptoms and would certainly cause a crash if done repeatedly.
After the MO 2 days ago I felt really good and positive for the first time in weeks. Of course I know, that's not really a good thing. As any other drug, it's not the solution. But I did not make any real progress in LongCov recovery in the past month as well. Rebooting from porn takes a lot of energy and willpower. Energy that I need for my LongCov recovery as well. I really am afraid, both at the same time is just too much and makes me stall in everything. Just like when you, for example, had a heart attack as a heroin addict, I guess it would not be wise to start heroin-rehab while you are still recovering from the heart attack.
That does not mean, that I want to go back to binging porn, of course. But maybe it's better to go back to the way I handled it the past half year, when I mostly stayed away from porn and masturbation for one or two weeks, without putting any pressure on myself and without counting days. I know, this will reinforce the habit of regular (bi)weekly relapses and that I will have to deal with it.
I'll have to give it some more thought in the upcoming days...
Unfortunately, at the time of your congratulations I had fucked up already.
Slipped yesterday. After the MO on Monday it was dangerous, but I was quite sure, that I would worst case MO a second or a third time but stay clear of porn. Then I could not sleep for hours at night, started to browse on the phone and more or less by accident I found out about a weakness of the porn blocker and things went downhill.
Not the best way to start the new year. To be honest, I don't really know how to proceed from here. I was not sure a month ago if I can handle LongCov and Pornrecovery at the same time. And the past month rather confirmed that. When you are doing a reboot, you are supposed to engage in other positive activities, rather than just "wait" and avoid porn. But it's simply not possible for me at the moment. I used to do more sports, focus on hobbies and projects and apart from the withdrawal I also had good things in my life that showed me why I am doing this. I took cold showers that improved my mood and my energy. Now, I can't even do that. My autonomous nervous system is so fucked up, that a cold shower (just as any other intense activity and sensation) make it spin out of control and cause a bunch of symptoms and would certainly cause a crash if done repeatedly.
After the MO 2 days ago I felt really good and positive for the first time in weeks. Of course I know, that's not really a good thing. As any other drug, it's not the solution. But I did not make any real progress in LongCov recovery in the past month as well. Rebooting from porn takes a lot of energy and willpower. Energy that I need for my LongCov recovery as well. I really am afraid, both at the same time is just too much and makes me stall in everything. Just like when you, for example, had a heart attack as a heroin addict, I guess it would not be wise to start heroin-rehab while you are still recovering from the heart attack.
That does not mean, that I want to go back to binging porn, of course. But maybe it's better to go back to the way I handled it the past half year, when I mostly stayed away from porn and masturbation for one or two weeks, without putting any pressure on myself and without counting days. I know, this will reinforce the habit of regular (bi)weekly relapses and that I will have to deal with it.
I'll have to give it some more thought in the upcoming days...
In some of my past streaks, I fell into the idea that, just doing some MO without the "P" is ok because it doesn't involve P, and that's where the problem is, right? Time and experience has taught me that, at least in my case, MO is like the gateway back into PMO. So I really have be look at it as hard mode reset or bust. You can't get a little bit pregnant, as the saying goes.Thanks Pdub and GBS! Happy new year to you as well!
Unfortunately, at the time of your congratulations I had fucked up already.
Slipped yesterday. After the MO on Monday it was dangerous, but I was quite sure, that I would worst case MO a second or a third time but stay clear of porn. Then I could not sleep for hours at night, started to browse on the phone and more or less by accident I found out about a weakness of the porn blocker and things went downhill.
Not the best way to start the new year. To be honest, I don't really know how to proceed from here. I was not sure a month ago if I can handle LongCov and Pornrecovery at the same time. And the past month rather confirmed that. When you are doing a reboot, you are supposed to engage in other positive activities, rather than just "wait" and avoid porn. But it's simply not possible for me at the moment. I used to do more sports, focus on hobbies and projects and apart from the withdrawal I also had good things in my life that showed me why I am doing this. I took cold showers that improved my mood and my energy. Now, I can't even do that. My autonomous nervous system is so fucked up, that a cold shower (just as any other intense activity and sensation) make it spin out of control and cause a bunch of symptoms and would certainly cause a crash if done repeatedly.
After the MO 2 days ago I felt really good and positive for the first time in weeks. Of course I know, that's not really a good thing. As any other drug, it's not the solution. But I did not make any real progress in LongCov recovery in the past month as well. Rebooting from porn takes a lot of energy and willpower. Energy that I need for my LongCov recovery as well. I really am afraid, both at the same time is just too much and makes me stall in everything. Just like when you, for example, had a heart attack as a heroin addict, I guess it would not be wise to start heroin-rehab while you are still recovering from the heart attack.
That does not mean, that I want to go back to binging porn, of course. But maybe it's better to go back to the way I handled it the past half year, when I mostly stayed away from porn and masturbation for one or two weeks, without putting any pressure on myself and without counting days. I know, this will reinforce the habit of regular (bi)weekly relapses and that I will have to deal with it.
I'll have to give it some more thought in the upcoming days...
the_badger
Member
Time to get back on that horse.
As I anticipated in my last post I took a long break from (serious) reboot attempts to focus on my LongCov recovery. During there past weeks it felt like it might be possible to make the porn recovery my first priority again. I do still have a long way to go to fully heal from LongCov - at least another year I am afraid - but I also made great progress in the past 6 months. More and more I feel closer to being healthy than to being
irreparably fucked up. (Still, it's just insane how slow healing takes place and how unbelievably disciplined and strict you have to be, to not overexert yourself risking another crash that takes another two weeks for me to recover from each and every time.)
Porn wise, I did not spin out of control in that past half year. But I used it quite regularly to manage/suppress my emotions. As you can imagine, there have been tons of negative emotions. (Fear - of never getting healthy again, grief, anger, intense loneliness - as I have to spent the majority of time alone, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness, uselessness ...)
Judging only by the hours of porn use, I might even fool myself to think, I've got everything under control and I am not watching more porn than any other average guy. Also I never escalate to really extreme stuff. And my brain told me a lot of times, that it's fine like this and normal and nothing to worry about. During the past half year that was okay. I just didn't have the resources for this battle.
But it always leads to increased use and it always kills my ability to enjoy the simple things in life and my interest in anything. So it's time to get serious about it again.
Right now I am at day four, and it's already harder than expected. But still manageable. Usually the first 6-10 days of a new reboot attempt were quite effortless. Obviously I got used to giving in easily this past months.
A rough outline of my plan:
1. actively pursuing recovery (instead of just passively staying away from porn).
-> by reactivating my reboot nation journal (what I just did)
-> also started a handwritten journal with additional notes
-> considering to attend an SAA group for the first time. I think this could really add to my determination and focus to stay on track.
2. Being aware of triggering situations in advance and preparing myself to stay strong:
-> The mornings are always tough, right after waking up. Not necessarily to MO and even less to PMO. But to start the day fantasising a little bit/touching myself a bit while being in a half awake state. Giving in to this, first thing after waking up, sets me up for cravings throughout the day. So I need to remind myself every night before I go to sleep, to resist and get up quickly after waking up.
-> Staying alert especially when I am feeling good and in control over my compulsions. A lot of times, I felt on top of things and then, riding this wave of positivity I managed to get some things done that I postponed for a while, making me feel even better. And boom - out of nowhere this feeling popped up, that I deserve a reward. And with my guard down, without any second thought, I just found myself in front of the computer typing the url of a porn site, randomly blowing a good streak just for nothing.
3. Rules and barriers
-> No mobile phone in the bedroom. Limit screen time (phone and laptop) in general. No senseless/aimless browsing. Just checking the news, scrolling Instagram or Tinder when I am bored is another source of the quick dopamine fix, that I use to distract myself from reality/pain/emotions. Giving in to this, sets me up to giving in in general. It also leads to procrastination and more inactivity, creating stress and shame, increasing the need for a fix.
-> Using a porn blocker? Not sure about that. Had a porn blocker in place already. But at some point I figured out how to bypass it easily. There might be a way to make it harder to bypass. But in the end, I know there is always a way, most probably. And the challenge to trick it successfully can be an incentive and add to the excitement and reward to gain. I'll give it another thought...
4. Strategies protocols to avoid relapse when triggered
-> tbd
5. How to handle MO
-> tbd
Running a bit out of time today. But I will refine the plan in the upcoming days and along the way.
Good to be back an track!
Wishing everyone a great pornfree Wednesday.
As I anticipated in my last post I took a long break from (serious) reboot attempts to focus on my LongCov recovery. During there past weeks it felt like it might be possible to make the porn recovery my first priority again. I do still have a long way to go to fully heal from LongCov - at least another year I am afraid - but I also made great progress in the past 6 months. More and more I feel closer to being healthy than to being
irreparably fucked up. (Still, it's just insane how slow healing takes place and how unbelievably disciplined and strict you have to be, to not overexert yourself risking another crash that takes another two weeks for me to recover from each and every time.)
Porn wise, I did not spin out of control in that past half year. But I used it quite regularly to manage/suppress my emotions. As you can imagine, there have been tons of negative emotions. (Fear - of never getting healthy again, grief, anger, intense loneliness - as I have to spent the majority of time alone, frustration, helplessness, hopelessness, uselessness ...)
Judging only by the hours of porn use, I might even fool myself to think, I've got everything under control and I am not watching more porn than any other average guy. Also I never escalate to really extreme stuff. And my brain told me a lot of times, that it's fine like this and normal and nothing to worry about. During the past half year that was okay. I just didn't have the resources for this battle.
But it always leads to increased use and it always kills my ability to enjoy the simple things in life and my interest in anything. So it's time to get serious about it again.
Right now I am at day four, and it's already harder than expected. But still manageable. Usually the first 6-10 days of a new reboot attempt were quite effortless. Obviously I got used to giving in easily this past months.
A rough outline of my plan:
1. actively pursuing recovery (instead of just passively staying away from porn).
-> by reactivating my reboot nation journal (what I just did)
-> also started a handwritten journal with additional notes
-> considering to attend an SAA group for the first time. I think this could really add to my determination and focus to stay on track.
2. Being aware of triggering situations in advance and preparing myself to stay strong:
-> The mornings are always tough, right after waking up. Not necessarily to MO and even less to PMO. But to start the day fantasising a little bit/touching myself a bit while being in a half awake state. Giving in to this, first thing after waking up, sets me up for cravings throughout the day. So I need to remind myself every night before I go to sleep, to resist and get up quickly after waking up.
-> Staying alert especially when I am feeling good and in control over my compulsions. A lot of times, I felt on top of things and then, riding this wave of positivity I managed to get some things done that I postponed for a while, making me feel even better. And boom - out of nowhere this feeling popped up, that I deserve a reward. And with my guard down, without any second thought, I just found myself in front of the computer typing the url of a porn site, randomly blowing a good streak just for nothing.
3. Rules and barriers
-> No mobile phone in the bedroom. Limit screen time (phone and laptop) in general. No senseless/aimless browsing. Just checking the news, scrolling Instagram or Tinder when I am bored is another source of the quick dopamine fix, that I use to distract myself from reality/pain/emotions. Giving in to this, sets me up to giving in in general. It also leads to procrastination and more inactivity, creating stress and shame, increasing the need for a fix.
-> Using a porn blocker? Not sure about that. Had a porn blocker in place already. But at some point I figured out how to bypass it easily. There might be a way to make it harder to bypass. But in the end, I know there is always a way, most probably. And the challenge to trick it successfully can be an incentive and add to the excitement and reward to gain. I'll give it another thought...
4. Strategies protocols to avoid relapse when triggered
-> tbd
5. How to handle MO
-> tbd
Running a bit out of time today. But I will refine the plan in the upcoming days and along the way.
Good to be back an track!
Wishing everyone a great pornfree Wednesday.
the_badger
Member
Sorry for my late reply!
MO ist the trickiest thing for me. I want to be free of porn - that's a no brainer. I also feel better when I stay away from MO. And yes, it very often ultimately leads to PMO. I used compulsive MO to dull emotions from childhood on. So I guess It's an addictive pattern in itself, even with no porn involved.
I'd love to do hardmode, but going 90 days or even more without release seems such an enormous and at times discouraging task. On rare occasions, I managed to relief myself of the intense cravings by a single MO, when it got to the point where I can't think of anything else anymore. But most of the time it was the first and fatal step on the slippery slope.
I still don't know what's the best way for me to handle this.
I think I will try the following rule: avoid MO as long as possible. If the urge gets unmanageable, the only accepted timeframe for a release is Tuesday between 8am and 10am. It's also mandatory to do it quickly and without much fantasy. (Shouldn't be a problem when you are about to almost explode anyway.)
I figured Tuesday morning might be the best time. Weekend can be challenging and lonely at times (makes it harder to not indulge too much in the MO and subsequently spin out of control). Mondays can be tough sometimes when you have to get back to work and not feel like it. Thursday, Friday can be tough again if you have an intense work week. So Tuesday/Wednesday might be the sweet spot. Also morning better than evening, because the time would usually be more limited.
the_badger
Member
Thanks Percival!
Absolutely. And I think, we not only have to actively do other things to replace the habit (like finding new hobbies, playing an instrument, learning a language, doing more sports or whatever) but actively work on ourselves on a psychological level regularly. Uncovering the roots of why we turned to porn in the first place. Becoming aware of our core values in life and our destructive behavioural patterns.
the_badger
Member
DAY 05
New profile pic, for a - hopefully - new chapter in my life.
I've gone through dark times for the past three years. I am not out of the woods yet. In fact, very far from it. But for a while now, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
I have high hopes for true recovery and healing in the upcoming year. My goal is, to recover from LongCov and porn addiction* until next summer. Most probably I will not be 100% healed by then. Maybe there will be restrictions and challenges for the rest of my life. But I belief that I can get to a place by then, where these things are mere footnotes than the defining struggles of everyday life.
*May really be more of a dopamine than porn addiction, like Billy T. Kid aka William aka the GOAT of recovery wrote in his recent comment. Might write a bit more on that.
Had a pretty good day yesterday. Today seems to go well again. There is quite a bit of euphoria about the new reboot attempt. But I am prepared, that this will fade soon enough and things will get trickier!
New profile pic, for a - hopefully - new chapter in my life.
I've gone through dark times for the past three years. I am not out of the woods yet. In fact, very far from it. But for a while now, I can see light at the end of the tunnel.
I have high hopes for true recovery and healing in the upcoming year. My goal is, to recover from LongCov and porn addiction* until next summer. Most probably I will not be 100% healed by then. Maybe there will be restrictions and challenges for the rest of my life. But I belief that I can get to a place by then, where these things are mere footnotes than the defining struggles of everyday life.
*May really be more of a dopamine than porn addiction, like Billy T. Kid aka William aka the GOAT of recovery wrote in his recent comment. Might write a bit more on that.
Had a pretty good day yesterday. Today seems to go well again. There is quite a bit of euphoria about the new reboot attempt. But I am prepared, that this will fade soon enough and things will get trickier!
Percival
Active Member
Most addictions are, I think, even the chemical ones (although those are more complicated and maybe involve multiple levels of addiction). The good news is that recovery isn't as hard as it seems: I used to imagine it would take years to recover as it took years to develop. Developing and maintaining self-control may take years of effort, but the compulsion fades quickly once broken. At least it does for me.
the_badger
Member
The compulsion to watch porn fades pretty quickly for me as well. When I relapse, 99% of times I won't go straight to watch porn. It always starts with fantasy, then MO and finally PMO, each of these providing increasing levels of dopamine. These substitutes are the real challenge for me.
Being more aware of it being a dopamine than a porn addiction may hopefully help me, to avoid that slippery slope. Because it may not even start with (porn-shaped) fantasy, but with other sources of a tiny dopamine fix already. Like scrolling Instagram or repeatedly checking the news while procrastinating - an other unnecessary habit I developed. I was already aware, that theses habits are pointless and destructive as well. But I said to myself "well, still better than indulging in fantasy or watching porn". And these habits are of course very common and hard to eliminate completely.
Another thing I noticed during the last few months: even healthy and positive activities that provide a source of dopamine increased my cravings on the next day. When I was younger, there often was alcohol involved when I had a good time with friends. So I mostly attributed the intensified cravings afterwords to a slight hangover and a reaction to alcohol. I was surprised to experience that without alcohol as well.
Just another sign, I guess, that the pain/pleasure system is out of balance, constantly being in slight pain and dissatisfaction. Just going to normal levels when meeting friends and going back to slight pain on the next day.
Not a fundamentally new insight. But still, I thought healthy activities with friends will help me and have positive effects only. But as long as my system is not reset to normal, as long as I am not fully recovered, I need to be extra alert after such activities as well.
DAY 07
Starting the day a bit slow and lazy. but that's ok. Being active would be better for recovery, but I have to get along with many lazy days anyway (LongCov). Also, the heat has been devastating here this week. Looking very much forward to upcoming lower temperatures.
The euphoria from two days ago, about seriously starting a new reboot attempt and a new chapter, faded away mostly. Which is good, because I felt a bit over the top and hyperactive, having a hard time to relax when trying to meditate. Feels more natural now again.
There have been some moments when fantasy crept in. Mostly I was able to just acknowledging it and letting it pass. Two times I indulged a bit too much for a couple of minutes. But still able to snap out of it before things spin out of control.
I realised yesterday, that it's been three years since I completed a 90 day streak for the first (and only) time. That's absolutely crazy and a bit depressing. Because after that success, I was so sure that I finally figured it all out and would very soon beat this shit for good. 1.000 days later and I am still struggling.
Anyways, it's going good so far. Let's keep moving in the right direction!
Being more aware of it being a dopamine than a porn addiction may hopefully help me, to avoid that slippery slope. Because it may not even start with (porn-shaped) fantasy, but with other sources of a tiny dopamine fix already. Like scrolling Instagram or repeatedly checking the news while procrastinating - an other unnecessary habit I developed. I was already aware, that theses habits are pointless and destructive as well. But I said to myself "well, still better than indulging in fantasy or watching porn". And these habits are of course very common and hard to eliminate completely.
Another thing I noticed during the last few months: even healthy and positive activities that provide a source of dopamine increased my cravings on the next day. When I was younger, there often was alcohol involved when I had a good time with friends. So I mostly attributed the intensified cravings afterwords to a slight hangover and a reaction to alcohol. I was surprised to experience that without alcohol as well.
Just another sign, I guess, that the pain/pleasure system is out of balance, constantly being in slight pain and dissatisfaction. Just going to normal levels when meeting friends and going back to slight pain on the next day.
Not a fundamentally new insight. But still, I thought healthy activities with friends will help me and have positive effects only. But as long as my system is not reset to normal, as long as I am not fully recovered, I need to be extra alert after such activities as well.
DAY 07
Starting the day a bit slow and lazy. but that's ok. Being active would be better for recovery, but I have to get along with many lazy days anyway (LongCov). Also, the heat has been devastating here this week. Looking very much forward to upcoming lower temperatures.
The euphoria from two days ago, about seriously starting a new reboot attempt and a new chapter, faded away mostly. Which is good, because I felt a bit over the top and hyperactive, having a hard time to relax when trying to meditate. Feels more natural now again.
There have been some moments when fantasy crept in. Mostly I was able to just acknowledging it and letting it pass. Two times I indulged a bit too much for a couple of minutes. But still able to snap out of it before things spin out of control.
I realised yesterday, that it's been three years since I completed a 90 day streak for the first (and only) time. That's absolutely crazy and a bit depressing. Because after that success, I was so sure that I finally figured it all out and would very soon beat this shit for good. 1.000 days later and I am still struggling.
Anyways, it's going good so far. Let's keep moving in the right direction!
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the_badger
Member
DAY 08
All well here. Weather is still way to hot and exhausting. Should get better tomorrow. Got a few things done today. Not super productive, but ok.
I want to make it a habit to reflect on the past week on Sundays. Thinking about what went well and where I can improve.
So, Week 1:
Very happy overall. It's great to be back here and I feel like I am ready to move on from illness and from addiction step by step. Hopefully finding passion, meaning and happiness in life again during that process.
Positives:
- Did not use Instagram and Tinder for the whole week.
(I don't like Tinder in general and am not ready to date anyway. So my goal is to not use it for at least the next two months. Maybe longer. If I do, I want to hold myself accountable to use it on purpose. Meaning, ONLY when I really intend to start a conversation and meet someone. With instagram, I want to use it as little as possible. For me it's not really an issue in terms of sexual triggers. Never used it for that, so I have hardly any "hot girls" coming up in my feed. But it's still a danger in terms of mindlessly grabbing my phone to check ig every time I am bored, getting a tiny dopamine fix. If I can't manage using it mindfully I will delete it.)
- No urges for porn yet. No pressure to orgasm yet. Just manageable urges to fantasise and/or edge on a few occasions.
- integrated the mantra "porn is not an option. I welcome the struggle and all emotions, good or bad. I will help my body and my brain to heal" in my daily meditation/yoga nidra practice. (thanks @Blondie for the first part of my new mantra)
- spent some time in nature
Negatives:
- Indulged too much in fantasy two or three times. Nothing too serious, just kept it going for a couple of minutes more than necessary till I got a boner and the very familiar feeling of relaxation and excitement appeared. I know I can't shut down thoughts and fantasy completely. Just need to stay more focused on letting it pass without indulging.
- did one google image search for stuff that has the high potential to blow everything up. It was about an artist/a film and it was not problematic at first, just out of interest. Then I realised, he made kind of sexual stuff as well and searched for it once. It's far from porn and very specific. Nothing that would turn me on. But it's a well known way I try to sabotage myself: googling something that I rationalise to be fine, because it's art and not porn or nothing that's my taste. But it gets ideas in my head and starts a background process. So, no more of that!!
- too much screen time. Not so much on the phone, but on the laptop. Part of it was checking RBN very often and looking up reboot connected stuff. So that's fine I guess. But in between also too much of the usual "checking the news" and wasting time looking up random stuff.
- way too little socialising. I was focused on getting my reboot started, so it's fine for this week. But need to change that asap. Loneliness is a huge trigger.
- went to bed/got out of bed too late. Attributed to the hot weather conditions mainly. Just can't sleep when it's still 28° or above at 11pm... also, getting up early when I didn't sleep enough can backfire badly with my LongCov condition, causing my energy to collapse during the day. Problem is - the hour after waking up for the first time when I am half awake / half asleep is most challenging to not have sexual thoughts. I'll try to find the middle ground. Getting up as early as possible, but as late as necessary.
Next things to do:
- complete and fine tune my recovery strategy from 4 days ago. Especially the "protocols to avoid relapse when triggered", so that I am prepared once the intense cravings hit.
- I decided to go without a porn blocker. Had my best streaks without one. The time I used it, it backfired when I realised I could probably trick it easily.
- make up my mind if I want to attend a local self help group.
Question considering the last point:
Anyone on here who attended a 12-step support group despite being not religious? Did it help and would you recommend it?
(I am agnostic and I thought that there are one or two steps that might be challenging without believing in a traditional god. But after looking it up again, it seems much more focused on god/a higher being. I can hardly imagine to participate in that without lying to myself and the others.)
All the best, hope everyone had a great pornfree weekend!
All well here. Weather is still way to hot and exhausting. Should get better tomorrow. Got a few things done today. Not super productive, but ok.
I want to make it a habit to reflect on the past week on Sundays. Thinking about what went well and where I can improve.
So, Week 1:
Very happy overall. It's great to be back here and I feel like I am ready to move on from illness and from addiction step by step. Hopefully finding passion, meaning and happiness in life again during that process.
Positives:
- Did not use Instagram and Tinder for the whole week.
(I don't like Tinder in general and am not ready to date anyway. So my goal is to not use it for at least the next two months. Maybe longer. If I do, I want to hold myself accountable to use it on purpose. Meaning, ONLY when I really intend to start a conversation and meet someone. With instagram, I want to use it as little as possible. For me it's not really an issue in terms of sexual triggers. Never used it for that, so I have hardly any "hot girls" coming up in my feed. But it's still a danger in terms of mindlessly grabbing my phone to check ig every time I am bored, getting a tiny dopamine fix. If I can't manage using it mindfully I will delete it.)
- No urges for porn yet. No pressure to orgasm yet. Just manageable urges to fantasise and/or edge on a few occasions.
- integrated the mantra "porn is not an option. I welcome the struggle and all emotions, good or bad. I will help my body and my brain to heal" in my daily meditation/yoga nidra practice. (thanks @Blondie for the first part of my new mantra
)- spent some time in nature
Negatives:
- Indulged too much in fantasy two or three times. Nothing too serious, just kept it going for a couple of minutes more than necessary till I got a boner and the very familiar feeling of relaxation and excitement appeared. I know I can't shut down thoughts and fantasy completely. Just need to stay more focused on letting it pass without indulging.
- did one google image search for stuff that has the high potential to blow everything up. It was about an artist/a film and it was not problematic at first, just out of interest. Then I realised, he made kind of sexual stuff as well and searched for it once. It's far from porn and very specific. Nothing that would turn me on. But it's a well known way I try to sabotage myself: googling something that I rationalise to be fine, because it's art and not porn or nothing that's my taste. But it gets ideas in my head and starts a background process. So, no more of that!!
- too much screen time. Not so much on the phone, but on the laptop. Part of it was checking RBN very often and looking up reboot connected stuff. So that's fine I guess. But in between also too much of the usual "checking the news" and wasting time looking up random stuff.
- way too little socialising. I was focused on getting my reboot started, so it's fine for this week. But need to change that asap. Loneliness is a huge trigger.
- went to bed/got out of bed too late. Attributed to the hot weather conditions mainly. Just can't sleep when it's still 28° or above at 11pm... also, getting up early when I didn't sleep enough can backfire badly with my LongCov condition, causing my energy to collapse during the day. Problem is - the hour after waking up for the first time when I am half awake / half asleep is most challenging to not have sexual thoughts. I'll try to find the middle ground. Getting up as early as possible, but as late as necessary.
Next things to do:
- complete and fine tune my recovery strategy from 4 days ago. Especially the "protocols to avoid relapse when triggered", so that I am prepared once the intense cravings hit.
- I decided to go without a porn blocker. Had my best streaks without one. The time I used it, it backfired when I realised I could probably trick it easily.
- make up my mind if I want to attend a local self help group.
Question considering the last point:
Anyone on here who attended a 12-step support group despite being not religious? Did it help and would you recommend it?
(I am agnostic and I thought that there are one or two steps that might be challenging without believing in a traditional god. But after looking it up again, it seems much more focused on god/a higher being. I can hardly imagine to participate in that without lying to myself and the others.)
All the best, hope everyone had a great pornfree weekend!
GBS
Respected Member
Mate. The concept of a higher power, I think, cab stop certain people doing the twelve steps. I attend a weekly SAA meeting and have completed the twelve steps. Many people in our fellowship have struggled with the God aspect. But also I have seen how the most fervent atheists and disbelivers found something. Not a bearded bloke in a white toga….just something. I really recommend the twelve steps and don’t worry about the god/higher power thing. Have a go. Please.
the_badger
Member
Haha (but who knows, maybe that's what I'll find
)Thanks for the input! So I guess I have no excuses to not try it.
Still feels strange, when I go to their website and read the 12 steps again. Replacing god with "universe" for example makes it bit easier.
(And it's not, that I have a problem with religion or religious people. Not at all. Just don't believe in a god/higher being that kind of watches over us and cares about our human struggles.)
Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @the_badger, I get this. I'm not religious either. Although I have no problem believing in a "God", I just can't get my mind around any of the revealed religions handed down to us for many reasons. So yes, I can see how that might make you feel uncomfortable. However, like @GBS said and from what I've heard, it's never pushed on you. So if you think you might be interested, I would go for it and see what you think!Haha (but who knows, maybe that's what I'll find
Thanks for the input! So I guess I have no excuses to not try it.
Still feels strange, when I go to their website and read the 12 steps again. Replacing god with "universe" for example makes it bit easier.
(And it's not, that I have a problem with religion or religious people. Not at all. Just don't believe in a god/higher being that kind of watches over us and cares about our human struggles.)
This is a fine line for me as well. I'm an artist (not at the moment) but I love artistic creations and art in general, films especially. This has always been tricky because I get real pleasure from art etc., but I do have to be careful where that leads to, especially if it's one of those days and I'm feeling it could be a temptation. Since my definition of freedom is to NOT be living under a rock for the rest of my life, but actually living, I don't want to get so hardcore in my recovery, that that part of me dies. However, depending on where you are in your recovery, it might be best to be on guard until further months have passed to then recalibrate what you can or cannot watch. I always feel there's no hard rules (except for porn) and each of us has to find that sweet spot for our own life.
I'm really guilty of this at the moment too.
Best brother
the_badger
Member
Same for me!
There are very positive and helpful things to take from all religions. How to live a good life in general, how to appreciate each other and much more. And being part of something bigger, that goes beyond ones own existence is good as well.
But there's also way too much stuff where I just think "yeah, they put that there to keep people humble and in their place, to make them feel permanently guilty." Because so many thing are just unrealistic to achieve for anyone. The seven deadly sins for example. Sure, it's important to not overindulge in lust, pride and so forth. But it's also impossible to not be guilty of them at all. So they ensure, that anybody has to feel guilty most of the time.
And besides that, there's also plainly dangerous stuff to find in most religions. Things that lead to wars and still lead to a lot of conflicts and violence.
But let's not get into that too far. Would be an endless discussion.
The important thing was, to not get put off by the religious context/origin of the 12 step program.
We have quite a few things in common! Would not call myself an artist in the traditional way. But photography, painting, filming are the things I devoted most of my life to, privately (apart from watching p
) and professionally. Creating something (new/beatiful/interseting/useful - art or not) has always been the thing that made me feel alive.But also consuming art is an important part. And I completely agree - living like a caveman, blocking all media, art etc. is no option. At least not in the long run.
Luckily, a sex scene or some nudity in a movie has never bothered me. GoT was no problem, despite a lot of explicit nudity. The problem is, most of the time, when my brain is already looking for ways to convince myself in the background. At some point it keeps telling me "You are an artist at your heart! Nudity and erotic are parts of art and very natural! As long as its artistic, its fine!". Something like that.
So, when I encounter something by accident from time to time (in a movie or an exhibition or whatever) it's most probably no big deal. Once I start to seek it on purpose (nude photographer, an exhibition I know might contain explicit stuff...) it will lead to the worst.
the_badger
Member
DAY 10
Had a bit of a headache for most of the day. Other than that, good day again. Rebooting occupies a big part of my mind constantly in the background. Either thinking about "how to reboot" or "how to stay clean" and keeping myself motivated, or fighting off (still manageable) urges to fantasise.
For almost a week now I am hardly worried about things anymore. Pretty sure it's due to rebooting. I worry too much in general - about everything that could possibly go wrong. When I use porn, this can get really bad. Everything in life is just so much harder, when there is this constant fear in the back of your mind trying to avoid everything that could go wrong. It makes me passive, biding and kills my motivation.
Maybe being anxious is not even part of my core-nature. I have been addicted to porn for my whole life (since puberty), so it's hard to know. If this much more optimistic outlook on things - even things that are challenging and potentially uncomfortable (like an appointment I had yesterday) - could be my "natural state" when I manage to stay sober long time, man, this would be such a relief!
After a week staying off instagram I allowed myself to use it yesterday. Seemed fine at first, but the urge to check it again came multiple times during the day. And in the evening I also checked tinder, which was completely against my plan. So I deleted Tinder today and "deactivated" instagram. New plan is to stay off insta for at least a full month. Maybe after that I can use it less compulsively. (Maybe it takes three months. Maybe I will have to delete it as well. Don't have too many reasons to stay on it. Just a handful of profiles I like to follow.)
Had a bit of a headache for most of the day. Other than that, good day again. Rebooting occupies a big part of my mind constantly in the background. Either thinking about "how to reboot" or "how to stay clean" and keeping myself motivated, or fighting off (still manageable) urges to fantasise.
For almost a week now I am hardly worried about things anymore. Pretty sure it's due to rebooting. I worry too much in general - about everything that could possibly go wrong. When I use porn, this can get really bad. Everything in life is just so much harder, when there is this constant fear in the back of your mind trying to avoid everything that could go wrong. It makes me passive, biding and kills my motivation.
Maybe being anxious is not even part of my core-nature. I have been addicted to porn for my whole life (since puberty), so it's hard to know. If this much more optimistic outlook on things - even things that are challenging and potentially uncomfortable (like an appointment I had yesterday) - could be my "natural state" when I manage to stay sober long time, man, this would be such a relief!
After a week staying off instagram I allowed myself to use it yesterday. Seemed fine at first, but the urge to check it again came multiple times during the day. And in the evening I also checked tinder, which was completely against my plan. So I deleted Tinder today and "deactivated" instagram. New plan is to stay off insta for at least a full month. Maybe after that I can use it less compulsively. (Maybe it takes three months. Maybe I will have to delete it as well. Don't have too many reasons to stay on it. Just a handful of profiles I like to follow.)
the_badger
Member
DAY 13
yesterday was a close call. There was m involved and edging and googling substitutes. It felt like I went too far on the slippery slope already, but somehow I made it through the day without MO and porn. Those were definitely things against the rules. Things that gave me quite a bit of the dopamine fix. So is it a defeat (because I indulged way to much) or a victory (because I did not go all the way)?
It was not enough to reset my counter, as I am not here for perfection but for progress (although I need to remind myself about that more often). The only thing that would reset my counter would be watching porn.
Today was much easier again and felt like being back on track. So the needle leans a bit towards victory, I think. But the next days will tell. I often relapsed two or three days later after a first misstep.
I am still in hardmode and it doesn't feel like it's becoming too much physical pressure to get a release. As long as I don't give in to indulge in fantasy, everything's fine. Only after the excitement I allowed myself yesterday I felt the "blue balls pain" and an urge for release. So it's mainly coming from my brain. It's demanding the way overdue pleasure its used to.
This often feels like a big wave of temptation that's rolling over me where I just can't keep my head over the water. The 11 days before it was all easy swimming, maybe swallowing a bit of water from time to time, but never in danger of drowning. But when these huge wave hits like a tsunami, I'm spun around and lose my sense of up and down. 99% of time I absolutely know what I want in life (right now - rebooting and healing and once I am ready, a great monogamous relationship again), but on those days everything is upside down. I suddenly feel hyper sexual and like if this is all I want and my core identity - to fuck around and have great sex with the next best woman. Which I absolutely know is complete bullshit, because the days when I thought one-time sexual encounters are desirable are decades ago. I don't miss them and even back then, when this gave me an ego push or something I never felt good the next day. (I blamed that more on the hangover I usually had as well, but now I am pretty sure I also just felt empty and alone inside. I think I was never a one-night-stand guy. And just to not give the wrong impression - I didn't have them excessively. But over the years without being in relationships for long times, they accumulated.)
And if I give in to that wave of temptation - it of course never leads to sex with anyone, but to MO in the best case, PMO in the worst - once I am done, everything is back to normal. The hyper sexual feeling that everything in my life needs ultimately be about sex completely gone again...
I hope these waves will get smaller and easier to manage in the future.
How did I not go all the way yesterday: interestingly I think it was by arguing with myself repeatedly. In the end intellect prevailed over emotion, the frontal lobe beat the brain stem. Usually it's the other way around. But I kept reminding myself again and again about the consequences and the decline that would follow. I think I contemplated so much about what I want and which path I want to take the days before, that this kept the upper hand in the end.
Why didn't I come to the forum to post yesterday, when I felt so tempted? Not sure. I think I was already ashamed that I went as far as I did and afraid, it would make me feel even worse and backfire. Maybe I can remind myself next time to shut down the perfectionist in the back of my head and not feel so guilty already, so I will hopefully get more strength in the moment of temptation by coming to the forum.
Hope you are all doing well! Have a great pornfree weekend
yesterday was a close call. There was m involved and edging and googling substitutes. It felt like I went too far on the slippery slope already, but somehow I made it through the day without MO and porn. Those were definitely things against the rules. Things that gave me quite a bit of the dopamine fix. So is it a defeat (because I indulged way to much) or a victory (because I did not go all the way)?
It was not enough to reset my counter, as I am not here for perfection but for progress (although I need to remind myself about that more often). The only thing that would reset my counter would be watching porn.
Today was much easier again and felt like being back on track. So the needle leans a bit towards victory, I think. But the next days will tell. I often relapsed two or three days later after a first misstep.
I am still in hardmode and it doesn't feel like it's becoming too much physical pressure to get a release. As long as I don't give in to indulge in fantasy, everything's fine. Only after the excitement I allowed myself yesterday I felt the "blue balls pain" and an urge for release. So it's mainly coming from my brain. It's demanding the way overdue pleasure its used to.
This often feels like a big wave of temptation that's rolling over me where I just can't keep my head over the water. The 11 days before it was all easy swimming, maybe swallowing a bit of water from time to time, but never in danger of drowning. But when these huge wave hits like a tsunami, I'm spun around and lose my sense of up and down. 99% of time I absolutely know what I want in life (right now - rebooting and healing and once I am ready, a great monogamous relationship again), but on those days everything is upside down. I suddenly feel hyper sexual and like if this is all I want and my core identity - to fuck around and have great sex with the next best woman. Which I absolutely know is complete bullshit, because the days when I thought one-time sexual encounters are desirable are decades ago. I don't miss them and even back then, when this gave me an ego push or something I never felt good the next day. (I blamed that more on the hangover I usually had as well, but now I am pretty sure I also just felt empty and alone inside. I think I was never a one-night-stand guy. And just to not give the wrong impression - I didn't have them excessively. But over the years without being in relationships for long times, they accumulated.)
And if I give in to that wave of temptation - it of course never leads to sex with anyone, but to MO in the best case, PMO in the worst - once I am done, everything is back to normal. The hyper sexual feeling that everything in my life needs ultimately be about sex completely gone again...
I hope these waves will get smaller and easier to manage in the future.
How did I not go all the way yesterday: interestingly I think it was by arguing with myself repeatedly. In the end intellect prevailed over emotion, the frontal lobe beat the brain stem. Usually it's the other way around. But I kept reminding myself again and again about the consequences and the decline that would follow. I think I contemplated so much about what I want and which path I want to take the days before, that this kept the upper hand in the end.
Why didn't I come to the forum to post yesterday, when I felt so tempted? Not sure. I think I was already ashamed that I went as far as I did and afraid, it would make me feel even worse and backfire. Maybe I can remind myself next time to shut down the perfectionist in the back of my head and not feel so guilty already, so I will hopefully get more strength in the moment of temptation by coming to the forum.
Hope you are all doing well! Have a great pornfree weekend