Back again to go all the way

the_badger

the_badger

Member
DAY 13

This time I was wrong. Things didn't get easier from now on. So it's again day 0 of noMO. That sucks, but I won't beat myself up about it. Staying clear of porn will be my main focus for now. Everything else, I'll try, but it's more like a bonus at the moment. I think I will need to improve my health and wellbeing a bit more before I can take this on seriously.
 
the_badger

the_badger

Member
DAY 14 (01 noMO)

Today was ok. Not a great day, but not too bad as well. I'm hanging in there doing as much as I can to improve the state of my body and my mind. The crash from almost a week ago is still affecting me.
I am in a dark tunnel for over two years now. It's for sure and by a huge margin the biggest and hardest challenge in my life. There's basically nothing left of my old life. Had I known what's ahead of me, I could not have imagined to get through this. A few months ago I had almost given up and was afraid, I would soon have suicidal thoughts. Compared to July I am in a much better place now. Most of the time now, I see a little light far away behind the corner. But every setback puts me back into the dark and I wonder if the light is really an exit or from a train that's coming to finally run me over. That's how I am thinking the last few days at least.
I was hoping, at the beginning of 2024 I would be more or less back to my old healthy self. I read some more LongCov recovery stories and I'm afraid there will be much more fighting ahead. At least half a year. Maybe most of 2024. But it is very similar to the rebooting process: it might take several years to truly heal, but on the way there it only gets better and better. I'll beat this shit. (Both). 💪
 
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the_badger

the_badger

Member
DAY 17 (04 noMO)

Felt a bit better physically today. Mentally a lot better. Went outside to sit in the sun for an hour or so. (That's the most I can do at the moment. 2h max outside the flat without too much walking.)
Started to do intermitted fasting from yesterday on (no food before 08:00 and after 16:00). As I've read that helped quite some people with LongCov. Have still to figure out the best diet for it (to trigger the "autophagy" effect - basically the cells starting to clean themself from junk during fasting.)
 
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the_badger

the_badger

Member
DAY 19 (06 noMO)

I am having alternating bad and good days at the moment. Yesterday was tough, today was pretty good again. Almost too good. Felt so much energy in the first half of the day, that I just wanted to keep doing things. Had to restrain myself to keep my breaks and go slow to not risk another crash.
Mentally, when I am feeling down, it's hard to tell if it's caused by LongCov or porn induced dopamine issues. But no matter what it is, I know what I am not supposed to do on bad days...
 
the_badger

the_badger

Member
DAY 20 (07 noMO)

Was an ok day today. Started out not feeling well, but took a turn for the better. Got back to traditional meditation about a week ago. During LongCov recovery I changed it more to breathing exercises and Yoga Nidra. Which is great as well. But now, that I also added daily traditional meditation again I realise how its different and how much I missed it. I think it will help with the reboot. (As it has in the past.)
 
the_badger

the_badger

Member
Thanks Freerider and GBS!
GBS said:
And this is all way different to the “you” of your inglorious past, right? Shows you have changed and that’s heroic.
Click to expand...
You're right, there has been a lot oaf change for the better already. But it's a long long way still to go!

DAY 21 (08 noMO)

Three weeks free of porn! Feels good as always. Even though the reboot up to now was not as "clean" as I want it to be, I am pretty sure it's the first time EVER that I did not escalate from MO (including porninduced fantasy) to PMO after a few days - just because the reboot feels flawed already and I can indulge one more time to do start fresh and do better...
Without pornblockers in place I would have gone the usual way down the slippery slope, no question about that. But in the end it doesn't matter how you get there. Or if the reboot started out perfect or flawed. It's only important to hang in there, even if things don't go too well.
 
the_badger

the_badger

Member
DAY 22 (09 noMO)

Another good day! felt a lot of energy in the afternoon. So it's time for a rest and some yoga Nidra now. Hoping for this positive trend to continue. Urges to indulge in fantasy have been very manageable the past few days. But with day 10 no MO tomorrow I expect them to increase and get harder to fight off soon.
 
the_badger

the_badger

Member
DAY 23 (10 noMO)

Surprisingly I cried my eyes out over the ending of the book "Flowers for Algernon" yesterday evening. Surprisingly, because I saw everything that happened coming and did not expect it to affect me so much and because I don't think a book ever made me cry before. So yes, I'd recommend the book. Not the most uplifting novel, as you might guess. But its brilliant and to the point.
But there was more to it, than the sad ending of the book. Not sure if this is a common thing, but every time I am a few weeks into a reboot I have a few days when I get super emotional and anything sad (e.g. something in the news) can get me on the edge of crying. I don't cry a lot usually. Especially in my twenties I don't recall any event that made me cry. Very coincidentally that was my decade with the most porn-use.
Despite the crying it's always uplifting to go through this period in a reboot, because it signals, that something is changing in my brain when it's completely off balance trying to recalibrate itself. And it demonstrates how unnatural and fucked up this continuous PMO lifestyle is, suppressing every bit of emotion - good or bad.
 
the_badger

the_badger

Member
DAY 27 (14 noMO)

Happy about 2 weeks of noMO. I think I am in a bit of a flatline at the moment. But I know from experience, this can change any day. So I'll stay alert. My general mood is not too good these days. I think it's in part because of the approaching new year. I was hoping to be much further in my LongCov recovery entering 2024. And it's the third new year in a row I am starting being sick with this shit. Once I am done with that, I expect to have some fucking great years in return, because I am not aware of anything I did to hurt my karma so bad. 😁
May 2024 be the year of final and permanent healing - for my body and my brain.
 
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