Unbusting my balls

[TryingHarder]

My goals are to stop PMO, remove PA, build confidence and support healthy sleeping and fitness habits.

Good luck, BrassBalls707. Speaking as a middle-aged man (55 in April) I'll give you the same advice I have posted for other young men: it's so important that you beat the addiction now when you're young. Otherwise, it will continue to be a negative part of your life for many years. I was addicted to porn for longer than you've been alive.

Do whatever you can to bust up the trail of breadcrumbs that lead you back to porn. Limit your time online, start a new hobby, re-arrange your closet, keep your phone out of reach past a certain time of the evening, etc. You're better than a starving lion looking at some sleazy wounded bison. Enjoy a much healthier meal!

 

[BrassBalls707]

Good luck, BrassBalls707. Speaking as a middle-aged man (55 in April) I'll give you the same advice I have posted for other young men: it's so important that you beat the addiction now when you're young. Otherwise, it will continue to be a negative part of your life for many years. I was addicted to porn for longer than you've been alive.

Do whatever you can to bust up the trail of breadcrumbs that lead you back to porn. Limit your time online, start a new hobby, re-arrange your closet, keep your phone out of reach past a certain time of the evening, etc. You're better than a starving lion looking at some sleazy wounded bison. Enjoy a much healthier meal!

I am well on my way to applying what you say and I agree. This is not something I want to actively work on when I am older when I have different stressors. Although I accept that I am at risk for the rest of my life and need to stay conscious of it for some time yet to come. Old habits die hard as they say, I'm sure you see the merit in that saying.

I am going to reflect further on this "trail of breadcrumbs" as you said.

I turned 24 today, and these supportive messages I can appreciate like gifts.

Thank you for the inspiring words!

There is also something funny about someone calling me by the joke name I chose
Brass is fine, members here don't have much choice than to call me anything other than that haha

 

[TryingHarder]

I am going to reflect further on this "trail of breadcrumbs" as you said.

I found it was super important for me to reflect on this (and I continue to reflect on it). What are the triggers? What was I doing when I got the urge to look at porn? When was it? What can I do differently next time? How can I modify my usual routine? A lot of things shape our minds and lead us into bad behaviour.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 26

I feel myself slipping as I maintained less of the good habits I want to build. I survived today however, and tomorrow is a new day.

Onwards.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 27

Today I slipped further unfortunately, and was struck with deep regret late in the evening. I try to reassure myself that what was accomplished is good, but it is hard. I have the feeling I can not trust myself to take things easy. My slothful self takes over, I worry, I cope and risk relapse. Once again, tomorrow is a new day.

I must and I will start out my day with a practice for conscientiousness like meditation.

Onwards.

 

[MapleSyrup]

Thank you for the kind words. If you don't mind me asking: what was your process for replacing those habits? What did you replace them with?

The binge drinking and self-harm were the first things that I quit. My therapist really drilled it into my head early on about how damaging those habits can be, and helped me come up with adaptive replacement habits - working out, running, and short-term stress reduction techniques like box breathing and body scanning.

Obviously the porn-use took a lot longer to quit. In the end, it came down to working out or hanging out with friends more often at night, so that I could avoid spending hours in bed browsing before sleeping. I also like to do things like journaling, or posting here, as a distraction when I get urges at night, or when I feel anxious before bed.

Wishing you best of luck! Keep it up

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 28

Had a rough day focus-wise but managed to apply mindfulness practices as I said to great effect. It is hard to be satisfied with yourself if you consistently underperform to your expectations. This kept me occupied most of the day. I experienced an urge that originated from boredom, I tolerated it and it went away.

Onwards.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 30

I made it to one month, but the allure of porn stays strong. As long as I 'refresh' it in my mind, it feels like I will never be able to release myself from its pull. I started going to a mental health professional again, the same one I had gone to before. We're working some other things out, and I'll apply what I learn to my porn addiction as they are closely linked.

I have been having doubts about masturbation in general. I've talked to close friends about it and I've looked at papers that mentioned its benefits and downsides. If it is done without external stimulation from porn, without a firm grip and in moderation (like once a week or month at most), it doesn't seem like there are downsides. Recovering addicts are even told by professionals that in order to regain a normal sensitivity and improve their sex life they need to adjust their habits around masturbation. Im addition to that, it seems like abstinence from masturbation is like punishing your biologial state. Surely that libido, drive and urge to mate serves a purpose, I just don't know what that exactly is in today's world.

I know I am playing the advocate of the devil here, and I recognize that it is a dangerous avenue of thought for a recovering porn addict. I would much rather figure out how to learn to live without masturbation, and apply the lessons I've learned in doing so elsewhere.

I know personally though that I could never manage masturbation moderation or slipping back to porn binging, so "Could I maintain a healthy relationship with masturbation?" is not a question I want to ask myself.

I started seeing someone, and I am anxious about the challenges that this will bring. I remember not having issues in the past despite having poor PMO habits. At worst I was insensitive, which makes sense after the abuse and conditioning I put myself through (death grip and escalating preferences).

I believe I could have enjoyed sex much more though, but I don't exactly know what goal I am shooting for there. Maybe that's something to look forward to it the future, unexpected benefits.


Onwards.

 

[TryingHarder]

I made it to one month, but the allure of porn stays strong. As long as I 'refresh' it in my mind, it feels like I will never be able to release myself from its pull.

This is something I think we all go through. It's tough not to refresh, but you have to do your best to shut those thoughts down. When it happens to me, I usually take a few moments and repeat my mantra: Forget them. Forget their names, forget their faces. You never had sex with them. They are not your friends. They don't exist. You might want to take a similar approach, or just remind yourself that porn will always be a dead end, even the memory of it is a waste of time.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 38

I have just returned from a short vacation and experienced no urges whatsoever. Now that I am back home I had the experience of just one. The struggle had evaporated from my mind like snow in the sun but I am conscious of it now again.

I am continuing taking the measures I have been, and am confident I can keep this up. I haven't thought on it more since last report, so this is all I have to share. I felt the need to post though to keep it at the front of my mind.

Burning darts and puffing clouds,

Onwards

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 39

I had a close call after being in private and having alcohol in my system. I am not a fan of my behavior, tendencies and thoughts when I am tipsy or drunk by myself, so I will concede to only drinking and sleeping in company.

Even then, I think it may be worthwhile to consider switching to non-alcoholic alternatives or alcohol-free beer in general.

I reminded myself today that I am not in a good state of mind when using PMO, and that I have proven to myself to be unable of moderating its use. I don't want to let it affect my healthy habits and goals. I also realized I do not want to lose my streak. These thoughts helped me snap back and seize control.

I will think more on the when, why and how of the urges I had today and report on those soon.

 

[BrassBalls707]

I've been dreading acknowledging it but I relapsed shortly after the last post. Everything kind of went downhill from there, although I continue to not take my phone to bed. I've PMO'd innumerable times since then but I am confident that posting here again is enough to get me into an updraft. I honestly forgot why I relapsed in the first place, but I assume it was alcohol and having had a tense day. I'm not entirely sure, but that's what I'm also here for. My sleep has suffered immensely, and during a drowsy trip on the train just now I again admitted that I can't go on like this.

Resuming daily reports here. 30 days, I'll move the goalpost from there.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 4

Late with the check in and missed some opportunities for self reflection and training my awareness.

I experienced some urges but managed to put them aside. I read some old posts in this thread and read that someone used a mantra to snap out of it quicker. I believe mine is: "Porn is a waste of time." Not profound but effective in my case.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 2

Same shit, different asshole.

I've very much been treading old ground and restarting the struggle. The issue isn't the struggle, that's expected, but rather the choice to start it over and over again with no upside. I feel shit or normal, PMO, feel better for a few seconds, then the shame and guilt hits and it carries me to the next relapse. A vicious cycle.

I've recently been diagnosed with ADD, which completely explains the attraction to the low hanging fruits of addictions such as porn and videogames.

Due to academic stress, family issues, emotional bouts, friendship drama and the recent revelation of an ADD diagnosis it's been hard to isolate and focus on PMO. Now that I am aware I must juggle this as well, it will be easier.

I don't know what effect my prescription medication will have on urges, the behavior and the experience in general but I will keep that in mind when reporting.

A bit of a ramble, but I needed a strong reason to start posting again because I keep putting it off and relapsing. If sorting my thoughts here accomplishes my goal of kicking PMO, I will do that.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 2

I relapsed again the same day but I don't want to enforce the habit of letting failures cripple me going forward. I want to be PMO free in addition to a whole lot of other things. It's a lot to juggle like I said but I tend to let the juggling balls or whatever the fuck you're tossing lay on the ground for too long before continuing to juggle. The analogy holds because once one object falls the rest do too like dominoes.

It's about not easily restarting for me. That's what I should keep focus on and this journal helps to do just that.

Onwards

 

[BrassBalls707]

Where do I start?

A lot has changed since I last posted, primarily dropping out of college (3rd time) and letting the ADD diagnosis sink in. Since I made the decision to stop struggling academically I've felt lighter, like a proverbial weight has been lifted off my shoulders. That academic burden no longer cripples me, and I've worked through a lot of emotions to cement that fact. Emotions such as pride and shame but also grief made it difficult to stay away from PMO, and while I've known meditation techniques can replace the emotional coping it's been tough as shit to employ those. I'm in cognitive behavioral therapy since a month ago, which has helped further expose my vulnerabilities such as a lack of planning (and consequently a lack of structure) that contribute to stress. In combination with methylphenidate medication and a lack of academic pressure it's been far easier to commit to and enjoy daily activities. I've experienced a lack of urges but found myself engaging in PMO regardless, further cementing the idea that it's a coping mechanism that no longer serves me. Surely, being unemployed and job hunting brings distress, but I no longer feel as hopeless and unmotivated as I did a year ago. Despite being 24 and having no (future) degree or marketable skills, I feel far more capable to the point I could get myself to sit down to type this out. Accepting my inability to study academically at this stage has given me relief and a measure of catharsis. Accepting my inherent disadvantage to addictive substances and behaviors has also given me hope.

That aside, I heard about "urge surfing" instead of resisting urges. Apparently, resisting urges increases the intensity of the urges, which will always leave you worse off. Exercising patience and taking time to observe the when & why will naturallly make the urges decrease. It may sound like positively reframing resistance, but it certainly didn't feel that way when I tried it.

In addition, a lack of purpose or meaningfulness in life contributes most to PMO. I'm doing poorly in that department, especially since my future plans (which hinged on academic success) have disappeared. I imagine that the more applications I run through, the clearer my future will be. I already receive great satisfaction from two hobbies I commit to, which motivate me to reflect and act to prevent interference.

I just really want to train my conscientiousness enough to always keep the risk of PMO in sight. I've slipped enough to feel its adverse effects on my sleep hygene, attention span, being social... and I worry about my sexual abilities, preferences, and sensitivity for the future.

If you're interested about where I heard about 'urge surfing' and 'lack of purpose' send me a PM.

As always, I hope to post more.


Day one gang

 

[NYC]

Where do I start?

A lot has changed since I last posted, primarily dropping out of college (3rd time) and letting the ADD diagnosis sink in. Since I made the decision to stop struggling academically I've felt lighter, like a proverbial weight has been lifted off my shoulders. That academic burden no longer cripples me, and I've worked through a lot of emotions to cement that fact. Emotions such as pride and shame but also grief made it difficult to stay away from PMO, and while I've known meditation techniques can replace the emotional coping it's been tough as shit to employ those. I'm in cognitive behavioral therapy since a month ago, which has helped further expose my vulnerabilities such as a lack of planning (and consequently a lack of structure) that contribute to stress. In combination with methylphenidate medication and a lack of academic pressure it's been far easier to commit to and enjoy daily activities. I've experienced a lack of urges but found myself engaging in PMO regardless, further cementing the idea that it's a coping mechanism that no longer serves me. Surely, being unemployed and job hunting brings distress, but I no longer feel as hopeless and unmotivated as I did a year ago. Despite being 24 and having no (future) degree or marketable skills, I feel far more capable to the point I could get myself to sit down to type this out. Accepting my inability to study academically at this stage has given me relief and a measure of catharsis. Accepting my inherent disadvantage to addictive substances and behaviors has also given me hope.

That aside, I heard about "urge surfing" instead of resisting urges. Apparently, resisting urges increases the intensity of the urges, which will always leave you worse off. Exercising patience and taking time to observe the when & why will naturallly make the urges decrease. It may sound like positively reframing resistance, but it certainly didn't feel that way when I tried it.

In addition, a lack of purpose or meaningfulness in life contributes most to PMO. I'm doing poorly in that department, especially since my future plans (which hinged on academic success) have disappeared. I imagine that the more applications I run through, the clearer my future will be. I already receive great satisfaction from two hobbies I commit to, which motivate me to reflect and act to prevent interference.

I just really want to train my conscientiousness enough to always keep the risk of PMO in sight. I've slipped enough to feel its adverse effects on my sleep hygene, attention span, being social... and I worry about my sexual abilities, preferences, and sensitivity for the future.

If you're interested about where I heard about 'urge surfing' and 'lack of purpose' send me a PM.

As always, I hope to post more.


Day one gang

You owe yourself some grace! Everything you just expressed takes courage, strength and conviction. For all that I give you an A+! Think about what most interests you, you enjoy, this may lead you to the occupational passion. People fine meaningfulness and purpose in many ways and things, and it does not have to come thru or from a degree, far from it. Hang in, I will follow you. Congrats on Day 1.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 1/30

Relapsed unfortunately.
It was out of such compulsion I felt no joy but could think of only satisfying a nagging urge. I felt miserable only because I pursued the disproportionate need I couldn't satisfy. I think I spent near two hours on a binge, gutting my sleep and making my early morning after miserable. Accessibility to my phone is partly to blame, but also the decision to take it to bed.
On a random YouTube video I read a poignant comment: an alcoholic spoke of his decades long sobriety and how he kept two beers in the bottom of his fridge. As opposed to removing them from the house, he said he kept them there as a reminder that drinking is a choice. Those were the last two beers he ever bought, and he kept them. I believe all addiction is like that, everything is really. There's always a choice, and yesterday I chose poorly, without thinking. I'm not advocating for increasing accessibility, but rather for reminders. When I engage PMO, it's because I lose sight of its struggle, because I don't acknowledge what it is. I let the impulse overcome me and I am swept away. I'm certain I heard or read something about impulse control (not necessarily AD(H)D related) being attributed to divergent or underdeveloped frontal lobe function.

Relapsing is always regrettable and it doesn't serve me, man. I don't know how others without methylphenidate medication endure the struggle, for me personally it feels hopeless when it wears off at night. But for now I'll focus on the fact that PMO engagement is always a choice, and that decisions we make will push us closer or further from relapse.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Day 4/30

That mantra seems to work well for me, i.e. "There is always a choice." meaning I need to actively choose to engage with it. I believe the mention of 'a choice' centers my thoughts in conscientiousness, regardless of my state of mind. This makes it incredibly easy for me to choose against it. I'll make an analogy:

It's like following a path through tall grass that leads to PMO, but at certain times you recognize you've walked this path before and you pause for just long enough to notice there's a fork in the road. It's obscured and untrodden, but by merit of knowing it exists 'a choice' can be made to walk it. Without that momentary pause (the conscientiousness) it's too difficult to spot in passing and will remain an afterthought.

I vouched for chasing conscientiousness at all times, but that is not within my current ability and that overreaching has caused me to relapse. The next best thing is habitualizing shortcuts to conscientiousness at moments decisionmaking matters most and I think with this mantra I have achieved that. I am curious to see how far this trick leads me.
Besides the 4 days of sobriety, I am also proud of other small achievements. I'm taking pleasure in cooking (wheras I considered eating a chore for over a decade) and tidying up. I also am finishing up my resumé and can finally reply to job positions. So in addition to these small successes besides PMO sobriety I feel better.

Onwards.

 

[BrassBalls707]

Few hours after last post I felt an urge and browsed porn for less than a minute. I did it so fast I assume it was out of habit. Specifically coming home and being alone, right before entering the shower. My mantra didn't stand a chance, but I kept repeating it like some medieval priest praying to god in the face of a devil and I managed to pull myself away.

I think it has to do with where my mind was at. I gave myself some leeway, disregarding the tasks ahead of me today and felt like "I deserved to give slack." and out of habit I reached for my phone. I believe this is normal after a decade of using. It's confrontational.

Onwards.