Time to End This Once and For All

[dienekes1]

Hey, everyone -- my name is Michael and I'm 26. I've been addicted to porn since I was 13 or 14; i.e., for the entirety of my post-adolescent life. Until relatively recently (3 or 4 years ago), I was mostly unaware of the cognitive harm caused by internet porn. Even as recently as a few months ago, I was vacillating between facing the reality of such harm and brushing it off as moralistic scrupulosity, rationalizing my porn addiction as an innocuous means of stress relief (and didn't you hear -- "science" says porn and masturbation are totally normal, healthy even). However, I am now at a point where I'm totally cognizant of the harmful effects of porn and have resolved to kick this thing to the curb once and for all.

While I am not porn-free, I'm not a novice. Over the past few years, I have been able to, intermittently, string together multiple 20+ day streaks. My longest streak thus far was 36 days, which happened last spring. Since this past October, I have only watched porn an average of 2-4 times per month. As I write this, I am on Day 3 -- my previous two streaks having been 26 days and 15 days, respectively.

The primary reason for creating this thread is to enhance accountability; if I have to report my relapses to others, I will probably be less likely to succumb to such slip-ups. Additionally, I would like to share what works for me in an effort to make the journeys of other fellow travelers a tad bit easier. To that end, then, here are some things that have been particularly helpful to me on my quest to overcome my deep-rooted porn addiction:

• Daily cold showers (this helps me subordinate my body to my mind; if you can withstand the discomfort of a cold shower, you can withstand strong urges to watch porn; "mind over matter", as they say)
• Content blocking (I've set my iPhone's Screen Time to block adult content, and I have also blocked URLs of triggering non-hardcore websites)
• Limiting time spent on social media (especially Instagram)
• Utilizing accountability software (I personally use Covenant Eyes)
• Telling others about my porn addiction (so far, I've told my two best friends as well as my girlfriend -- it was tough to put myself in a vulnerable position, but airing my addiction out there in the open [instead of hiding it away as a purely personal struggle] has been helpful in this fight)
• Having a "pivot plan" (if I feel an urge wave oncoming, I will get up and go do something or, alternatively, toss my phone on the couch or somewhere else out of reach [don't worry, I have an Otterbox])
• Listening to Dr Trish Leigh's "Porn Brain Rewire" podcast (which is full of useful information and encouragement) every day
• Visualizing what my life will be like once I finally overcome this (I have already had little tastes of what it will be like; the confidence, equanimity, and contentedness that accompanies freeing oneself of addiction)

I am going to treat this thread as a sort of journal, and it is my aim to write an entry every day for the foreseeable future. It's great to be here, among people facing the same addiction. 2023 is the year I kick this bad habit for good. As the great Zyzz once said: "we're all going to make it."

 

[Hunter_]

Welcome @dienekes1,

All the best for the journey man. As you said, definitely we're all going to make it.

 

[dienekes1]

Day 10

I've been quite busy with work lately and haven't had the time to make any 'journal entries' until now. In a way this busy-ness has been good, as it has kept my mind occupied and not wandering towards porn. Days 0-9 went by without a hitch. I don't think I even had any urges ... until today.

This afternoon, I experienced a pretty strong urge wave, which led to a few minutes (<5) of 'peeking' at non-hardcore content (Instagram). In hindsight, I should have immediately just gotten up and done something instead of sitting there scrolling like a helpless victim, but I am glad that this peeking session didn't trigger a relapse. What kept me from relapsing was observing myself in the third-person, as a scientist would observe an experiment subject. Doing so allowed me to coldly and objectively tell myself that what I was doing was not in my best interest, and that my future self would have to pay a steep price if I decided to go ahead and relapse (which was what my dopamine-hungry brain was trying, at all costs, to get me to do). When I regained control over my mind, I started working on a work-related project that I needed to get done.

In a similar vein, I've found it helpful to talk to myself in the third-person when urges arise (i.e., "Michael, you don't need to do this -- your future self will thank you if you can muster up the fortitude to overcome these temporary urges"). While it at first seemed pretty weird to talk to myself like that, I have noticed that it is effective in stopping myself from sliding back into the screen.

 

[dienekes1]

Day 33

Days 11 through 30 were oddly easy. During that period, I didn't experience any particularly strong urges to watch porn. That, however, changed on Day 31, when I began to experience a pretty severe urge wave, which has spanned Day 32 and into today (Day 33) as well. Like the urge wave I had on Day 10, this one drove me to a 5-minute "peeking" session on Instagram, which luckily did not proceed any further than that. I'm a bit ashamed at myself for having even opened the Instagram app -- when, even in the moment, I was fully aware that it was not the smart thing to do. However, I'm grateful that I caught myself and didn't let it devolve into a 4-hour PMO session, as has been the norm for all of the relapses I've experienced within the past year.

I'm still feeling pretty optimistic about making it to 90 days free from PMO, but moving forward I'm going to have to be hyper-vigilant of urges and maintain the discipline to resist them when they come. Bearing in mind the temporary, passing nature of urges has been useful in this regard. Urges, though they might seem overwhelming in the moment, are ephemeral and will eventually go away -- we need not act upon them.

 

[Androg]

The more you peek, or think about whether you will or won't, the more intense the urges...as a rule. So have a plan for where you will turn your attention (pushups?) if those thoughts tune up. Good luck!

 

[Clouds&Dirt]

Good job catching yourself and stopping after a few minutes, that's NOT easy to do at all. I'm actually gonna try your technique of third-person self-talk to see if it helps because, while I'm pretty decent at resisting initial urges, I'm not very good at stopping myself after I've peeked

 

[dienekes1]

Day 1

Yesterday, Day 54, I had a relapse. The last few weeks have been particularly stressful, as I had military reserve duties two weekends in a row, difficult presentations to give for my graduate program, and went through some relationship issues. For me, urge waves always accompany stressful times, however I could have powered through these particular urges. Instead, I chose to allow myself to be consumed by my urges. In a stupid way, I felt that I "deserved" to indulge in PMO since I had been having a rough go of things lately. This sort of victim mentality is what has led to the last few relapses for me. Moving forward, I will not allow myself to assume victim status. Experiencing stress is not an excuse to relapse, and engaging in PMO is not any sort of reward for working through stress. Rather, it is a punishment of the highest order.
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Today, I'm feeling pretty depressed and like I'm a failure. This is how I always feel after relapsing. Despite this, I still feel motivated to quit this insidious addiction once and for all. 54 days was my best streak ever. The month of February 2023 was the first month since I was 13 that was porn-free.

Moving forward, I'm going to need to find more productive outlets for stress and, most importantly, refrain from ever viewing myself as a victim devoid of agency. I am not a marionette doomed to be manipulated and controlled by porn -- I am a man with my own soul and my own will. More than ever, I'm full of resolve to beat this thing.

12/263/16

 

[Androg]

How else could you reward yourself if you have another hard week?

 

[dienekes1]

How else could you reward yourself if you have another hard week?

My favorite (relatively) healthy guilty pleasures are hot showers, a bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola, and making a reasonable online purchase (usually a book).

In the future, I think I'll just enjoy a nice long hot shower rather than engaging in PMO. While porn, in the short-term, takes my mind off of stress, as soon as the dopamine flood wears off, I'm hit with levels of guilt and self-loathing that make the initial stressor seem minuscule in comparison.

 

[dienekes1]

Day 2

My brain still feels cloudy, dull, and scattered from the other day's relapse. I'm still pretty bummed out about it, but am determined to keep going. I never want to feel this mental fog or guilt ever again.

Today, I finished a book I was reading, took a long cold shower, meditated for 20 minutes, went on a hike, and walked my dog around the neighborhood. It felt good to engage in activities that didn't involve screens -- the most sublime moments in life occur out in the real world, not on phones or laptops.

 

[dienekes1]

Day 3

No urges to speak of; I still feel bad about my relapse and the thought of engaging in PMO makes me cringe with guilt.

Today, I worked out, took my daily cold shower, meditated, did some work, cleaned my apartment, and started a new book -- "Storm of Steel" by Ernst Jünger. Jünger, a soldier, philosopher, and prolific author, is an inspiring figure to me, and having the chance to acquaint myself with his heroic wartime deeds is motivating. While it may sound silly, if he could brave frontal assaults on enemy trenches -- and being wounded 14 times before the end of the war -- surely I can overcome my porn addiction.

 

[Androg]

True, but guilt can really erode progress and I suppose that Jünger didn't have to struggle with that. Be gentle with yourself.

 

[dienekes1]

Day 4

No urges or unhealthy behavior to report. Had a pretty normal day; went to class, did my work, meditated, took a cold shower, read my book, got outside, etc.

A memory randomly popped in my head today that is relevant to this journey. I remembered that two years ago, when I first started getting [somewhat] serious about quitting PMO, I thought that the 8-day streak I had been able to pull off was an incredible feat. However, for me at that time, it was an incredible feat. Until that point, I had probably been unable to go more than a few days without porn for about 12 years.

Since then, I have been able to go on a few 20-day streaks, a couple of 30-day streaks, and (most recently) a 54-day streak. I guess the moral of the story is that progress, while incremental, gradually accrues until, when one looks back, it's hard not to be astonished at how far you've come.

 

[TypeN]

I guess the moral of the story is that progress, while incremental, gradually accrues until, when one looks back, it's hard not to be astonished at how far you've come.

Love this sentiment. I've been thinking something similar lately, in terms of the positive things sobriety has gifted me with in daily life. Lots can change for the better without us even noticing.

You're doing well dienekes, keep it up.

 

[dienekes1]

Love this sentiment. I've been thinking something similar lately, in terms of the positive things sobriety has gifted me with in daily life. Lots can change for the better without us even noticing.

You're doing well dienekes, keep it up.

Thanks, TypeN — I appreciate it!

 

[dienekes1]

Day 5

Had an uneventful, urge-free day — just the way I like it!

 

[dienekes1]

Day 6

Another day without any urges to engage in PMO. My girlfriend went on a trip with her family, so I’m alone in my apartment these next few days and nights. Being alone like this used to be a sort of trigger, however I was able to keep up my healthy habits and fill my idle time with enjoyable activities. Specifically, I enjoyed a glass of calvados and watched a movie (Westfront 1918, a German film from 1930). All in all, I had a fun night by myself!

 

[dienekes1]

Day 7

No urges to report. Had a busy day with schoolwork and class, got home around 7:30, walked the dog, and watched another film (They Shall Not Grow Old).

I was required to give a five-minute presentation in class today, which went pretty well. I’ve found that since starting my reboot journey in earnest, I’ve become a much more confident and quick-on-my-feet public speaker. While it’s still nerve-wracking and mostly unpleasant, such things are less daunting than they used to be.

 

[dienekes1]

Day 10

Had a pretty busy weekend and haven’t had the chance to post until today. On Friday, I worked pretty late and went to visit my parents in the evening. On Saturday, I played a round of golf with my brother and two of our friends, followed by a nice lunch and a pub crawl. Today, Sunday, I did a bit of work and relaxed as best I could. My girlfriend got back from her trip yesterday and everything is gradually settling back into normalcy.

Fortunately, I haven’t experienced any urges to PMO so far on this streak. However, this has been the norm for the past few streaks — the urges typically don’t start happening until after the two-week mark. I’ll be ready for them when they come, though.

 

[dienekes1]

Day 11

No urges to report. Had a very busy day with class and schoolwork and spent 11 hours at the law school. Had neither the energy nor the opportunity to spend (or, rather, waste) on PMO.