Radical Twenty-Four

[Sepul0]

[Post-Midnight Post]

Picking at my fingernails, that childish habit turned addiction of mine, took up a chunk of my time today. I prioritized putting my fingers in pain over eating a half-decent amount of food during my lunch break.

In a more natural environment, people like me wouldn't have lived this long. Our varying forms of weakness would've gotten us killed multiple times over by now.
This perspective can lead such a person to believe that committing suicide is their duty, in order to correct their unnatural existence and escape the years of despair that come with it. However, if we're evaluating  all human lives by their natural justification, then almost all of them are unjust, due to carbon footprints. This latter realization gave me an existential crisis four years ago.
We need to accept that the value of human lives shouldn't be judged significantly on the basis of environmental impact. I feel like almost everyone else already believes something similar.
As for ending your own life; doing so rejects the blessings of the world that our species has crafted. It's not a "mistake" that we've lived this long, it's an opportunity that we always have ways to take advantage of. Our society is unfair, yes, but compare it to what nature subjects lesser species to and you may become more grateful. Maybe the less severe consequences for our poor decisions cause us to make them so often.
I'm agnostic, and have no confident guesses on what will happen when I die. I might as well make the most of the life that I have right now.

 

[Sepul0]

The nerve of me to half-assedly finish an entry discussing something as serious as suicide that I fell asleep writing, and then almost immediately relapse again afterwards. I've normalized relapses in my journaling over the past two years to a deplorable extent.
My relapses are very formulaic, going to the same site and generally visiting the same pages. Gotta catch up on the new content that I missed; familiar in how it damages me, and how it entails moral issues regarding others.
I don't believe that there will ever be a point where I "wake up" and lose all sense of temptation for this awfulness. And to depend on the status of my "success" with women for the willpower to fight this temptation, that's so pathetic. I used to view my abstinence from porn as something that women would likely appreciate, one of my few advantages over most of the competition, but as of late, I've just been a failing recoverer. How justified am I to even consider myself to be in recovery? It's almost as if I'm trying to recover from all of the progress that I've made, all of the incentives that I've accumulated, and reach the lower lows in life that I used to be on track to reach.

These relapses are forcing arousal, furthering the envious and rageful and depressed feelings that I  need to avoid, distancing me further from reality with their inaccurate portrayals of what sex should be like, weakening my feelings for Addie and other plausibly obtainable women, influencing me to objectify, sapping me of my energy, fueling a very questionable industry, and spitting in the face of everyone who cares about me.

I can only think of 1 example of when my romantic and/or sexual desires yielded a clear net positive for the world. I've dealt with the frustration of being unfulfilled in those departments over and over again, I developed a porn addiction, I used up the time of all those women that I talked to and failed with (and no doubt caused some negative feelings for them too), I've had to reject some women on dating apps, I made some inappropriate jokes when I was younger, and a few years ago, I allowed the selfishness of my lust to target my female friends.
And this 1 example that I can remember of things actually turning out well compared to the other remembered ones that had a net negative outcome? I'm spitting in its face with an extra layer of audacity.
These mistakes can be learned from further. And life isn't as linear as we'd like it to be. You can play your moves seemingly well, using what you've learned, but that won't necessarily prevent your teammate from leaving the game without an explanation. Get over it.

 

[Sepul0]

Spending more time learning about how the world is fucked has helped me to distract from my more personal issues lately.
If I don't remain educated in this area, then apparantly I'm just a stupid enabling American. And even with these perspectives, I'm still an enabler.

My addictions and other bad habits are so defeatable in comparison. The world could very well end in this century, and I'm allowing my time here to be tainted by exploits in my brain.

 

[Sepul0]

It feels awkward to write about myself, now that I've brought up the existence of problems of an astronomically higher magnitude multiple times. It brings me back to questioning my right to take up anyone's time with this thing. It's the reader's choice, but if this choice that I'm providing is generally a poor one, then I'm in the moral wrong. For it to not be poor; this journal, and my actions, must be salvaged.
At least this thread is more insightful and truthful than most other pieces of online content. Maybe "substantial" as well.

I have an ego regarding my journaling, and often become annoyed by the faults of others that I witness by lurking in other online communities, yet I've been doing the former less often than the latter. I believe that this is mostly due to laziness.
And for someone whose need to feel superior to others tends to skew towards intelligence, I happen to rot my brain pretty often.

 

[Sepul0]

Speaking of brainrot, and the level of quality of this journal, I'm having a difficult time remembering what I have and haven't discussed in this one. I'm dozens of entries in, and still have memories of the four previous journals floating around in my head.

My willpower to avoid using so many of the erections I get as MO fodder pales in comparison to what it used to be. You cannot convince me that it isn't a compulsion, given all of the post-nut clarity.

I feel like the women that are relatively compatible with me are overall less likely than average to use dating apps. Many of the women that I find on them are "the beautiful people"; photogenic and seemingly living conventionally ideal lives. I'm aware that designing profiles for yourself on any sort of social media typically involves an idealization approach, but that doesn't stop me from feeling extra inferior to them. And even if the profiles are idealized, their evidence of me lacking much relatability to these women remains.
That's not to say that the women that I feel confident enough to give a like to are inferior to them. Evaluating people is so much more nuanced than that. Addie wouldn't be categorized with those different-planet-feeling women, but she's an amazing person, and invoked strong romantic feelings in me.
In hindsight, Tarakī could probably be considered a member of "the beautiful people". Her life has featured its fair share of unideal circumstances, and I'm sure that the other women of that group can relate.
I don't want anyone to miss out on using dating apps or other opportunities because they feel inferior. In online spaces you'll see discussions about how a larger number of men will compete for a smaller number of women. I know that these discussions are often not very grounded in reality, but I can't help but wonder where all of the other women are. There are plenty of reasons why they'd choose not to put themselves out there as much, many of these being due to us men, but feelings of inferiority to other women could very well be a major one.

I want to fall in love with a woman who's found herself in this position so badly. Mutual, life-changing validation.

 

[Androg]

Speaking of brainrot, and the level of quality of this journal, I'm having a difficult time remembering what I have and haven't discussed in this one. I'm dozens of entries in, and still have memories of the four previous journals floating around in my head.

My willpower to avoid using so many of the erections I get as MO fodder pales in comparison to what it used to be. You cannot convince me that it isn't a compulsion, given all of the post-nut clarity.

I feel like the women that are relatively compatible with me are overall less likely than average to use dating apps. Many of the women that I find on them are "the beautiful people"; photogenic and seemingly living conventionally ideal lives. I'm aware that designing profiles for yourself on any sort of social media typically involves an idealization approach, but that doesn't stop me from feeling extra inferior to them. And even if the profiles are idealized, their evidence of me lacking much relatability to these women remains.
That's not to say that the women that I feel confident enough to give a like to are inferior to them. Evaluating people is so much more nuanced than that. Addie wouldn't be categorized with those different-planet-feeling women, but she's an amazing person, and invoked strong romantic feelings in me.
In hindsight, Tarakī could probably be considered a member of "the beautiful people". Her life has featured its fair share of unideal circumstances, and I'm sure that the other women of that group can relate.
I don't want anyone to miss out on using dating apps or other opportunities because they feel inferior. In online spaces you'll see discussions about how a larger number of men will compete for a smaller number of women. I know that these discussions are often not very grounded in reality, but I can't help but wonder where all of the other women are. There are plenty of reasons why they'd choose not to put themselves out there as much, many of these being due to us men, but feelings of inferiority to other women could very well be a major one.

I want to fall in love with a woman who's found herself in this position so badly. Mutual, life-changing validation.

Can you look for activities in real life that would let you meet people? Do you like to dance? Hike? Volunteer for some good cause? Your solution may not lie online

 

[Sepul0]

Can you look for activities in real life that would let you meet people? Do you like to dance? Hike? Volunteer for some good cause? Your solution may not lie online

I'm more capable of going out these days than I used to be, so I can expand my opportunities like you're suggesting.
I spend too much of my time on childish things.
My parents paid off their mortgage recently, and are very financially responsible. This comes with awareness of how tough it is to make it by on your own these days, so they're ok with me still living with them, 5 years after graduating high school.
My lackluster amount of progress in becoming more of an adult isn't something that they've caused through enablement or anything like that. It's due to my own decisions, which is kind of ironic considering how the theme of independence is a cornerstone of adulthood.
My upper education was limited to ~1.2 semesters of commuting to community college, so I didn't really experience that developmental stage of life. Again, that's my fault, but this time less so. I can confidently put some of the blame on society this time, in this case for the absurd cost of a conventionally ideal college experience.
When I'm in an area with a lot of women my age, my collective interest in them tends to occupy me. So many women that I could maybe hypothetically have a connection with. And of course this can happen with as few as 1 woman.
These instances feel weird when I'm currently talking to someone. The women that I talk to through my phone, as much as I like them, are naturally unable to seem as "real" to me as the women that I notice in-person. These worlds need to intersect.

I've stayed P-free since the relapse that occurred 3 days ago. I miss the days when clarifying my sobriety was far less necessary. Again, my responsibility to fix.

 

[Sepul0]

[Post-Midnight Post]

I un-Incognito'd my dating app accounts an hour or so ago. Browsing the apps myself is too depressing to feel worth doing regularly, but at least that gives me more time for other things, like self-improvement.
It's so easy to throw terms and virtues and declarations around, to portray things in biased ways, and to justify omitting things. And it's remarkably easy to squander your potential, and to let your problems fester.
I'm privileged to have this relatively high amount of freedom to pursue people that I'm interested in. My government doesn't criminalize my sexual orientation, and my parents aren't forcing me into an arranged marriage.
Our society does an inadequate job of combating issues that are more important than intimacy starvation. It would be unfair for the latter to receive significantly more attention than the former. I'm not in poverty, I haven't experienced war, I'm not burdened with cancer, etc. Nevermind the less people-centric issues, like the state of the environment.
And it doesn't matter how much my intimacy starvation eats me up, it will never be anyone else's responsibility to fix.

 

[Sepul0]

My addict brain is manipulating my self-criticism of my ongoing decision to keep this journal to guide me towards the path of abandoning it and giving in to my addiction. Its position has strengthened as a consequence of yesterday's and today's relapses, along with other poor choices.
Now that I'm writing this entry, I realize that leaving would actually be fairly inconsiderate and hypocritical of me. Addie going silent on me yielded plenty of unpleasant feelings, and I might subject readers of this journal to a small fraction of that sort of thing if I were to ever leave this site without being tremendously confident in my sobriety.
My connection with Jinx makes giving up on sobriety a thoroughly awful decision. Choosing porn over our friendship, if not corrected, would break her heart, and confirm that I'm a horrible person.

 

[Androg]

My addict brain is manipulating my self-criticism of my ongoing decision to keep this journal to guide me towards the path of abandoning it and giving in to my addiction. Its position has strengthened as a consequence of yesterday's and today's relapses, along with other poor choices.
Now that I'm writing this entry, I realize that leaving would actually be fairly inconsiderate and hypocritical of me. Addie going silent on me yielded plenty of unpleasant feelings, and I might subject readers of this journal to a small fraction of that sort of thing if I were to ever leave this site without being tremendously confident in my sobriety.
My connection with Jinx makes giving up on sobriety a thoroughly awful decision. Choosing porn over our friendship, if not corrected, would break her heart, and confirm that I'm a horrible person.

You’re not a horrible person, regardless. But do strive to overcome your addiction. The rest of your life will be happier without it.

 

[Sepul0]

[Post-Midnight Post]

My urges are very strong now. The lust that builds from looking at these dating app profiles combines with my insecurity to push me towards the escape of porn.
Porn may help me escape reality, but it also severely handicaps my reality from improving very much. Obviously it's not worth it in the long-term. The short-term "enjoyment" that it gives you is often countered immediately by regret anyways.

I'm paranoid about what not having my desires met is doing to me. [After several minutes of thinking, I still can't think of how to express it. At least my urges got slightly overtaken by depression as a result]

 

[Androg]

[Post-Midnight Post]

My urges are very strong now. The lust that builds from looking at these dating app profiles combines with my insecurity to push me towards the escape of porn.
Porn may help me escape reality, but it also severely handicaps my reality from improving very much. Obviously it's not worth it in the long-term. The short-term "enjoyment" that it gives you is often countered immediately by regret anyways.

I'm paranoid about what not having my desires met is doing to me. [After several minutes of thinking, I still can't think of how to express it. At least my urges got slightly overtaken by depression as a result]

I’m curious what you think not having your desires met is doing to you. Part of being a civilized person is willingness to leave certain desires unmet, at least in the moment, isn’t it?

 

[Sepul0]

I’m curious what you think not having your desires met is doing to you. Part of being a civilized person is willingness to leave certain desires unmet, at least in the moment, isn’t it?

You're right. I didn't mean to sound like someone claiming victimhood at the hands of society.
I'm afraid of falling for the "incel" ideology despite knowing better; continuing to fail at meeting my desires makes doing so more likely.

[I'm struggling to think of what to write again. I can't even function in my own dedicated space]

 

[Androg]

You're right. I didn't mean to sound like someone claiming victimhood at the hands of society.
I'm afraid of falling for the "incel" ideology despite knowing better; continuing to fail at meeting my desires makes doing so more likely.

[I'm struggling to think of what to write again. I can't even function in my own dedicated space]

Thanks for explaining.

 

[Sepul0]

Early on in Addie's silence, I noticed that she had deleted her profile on the dating app that we met on, and had manually deleted our chat that we had. Yesterday morning, I randomly found a new profile of hers on the same app. This implies to me that she's safe, which is the most important thing.
If she happens to see my profile in her feed, that will prove to her that I've moved on to a nonzero degree. So instead of rejecting her profile when it appears in my feed again, I've been dancing around seeing it through the use of the age filter. Her birthday was shortly before we met, and I hope that she finds someone who's actually suitable for her far earlier than that. And of course, I wish the same for myself.

I have a plan to give this current sobriety streak a strong foundation. I might write about it tomorrow.

 

[Sepul0]

[Post-Midnight Post]



Five days from now, the first annual pickleball tournament held in honor of the late community member that I've previously mentioned will happen. I'll be playing in it, and it'll receive newspaper coverage. The tournament is in a Scramble format, meaning that we'll be playing Doubles games with a different person each round.

Pickleball might be the area of my life that I'm the most confident in. I can act a bit spazzy at times (along with comitting some other imperfect social behaviors), but overall I feel like a positive addition to the communities. I also happen to be decent at the game, and thus have a solid chance of medaling in the tournament.

The shirt pictured above is one of several pieces of apparel that I've bought from Fight The New Drug, an organization that raises awareness about the harms of pornography. I plan on wearing it to the tournament, and would end up giving it extra exposure via getting my picture taken if I medaled. None of the community members know about this side of me, but I expect that they'd generally be supportive.

I'm going to finish reading the pickleball rulebook that I downloaded onto my phone, so that I can be a potential asset in that regard to the tournament overall. My facial hair will be freshly upkept by that Saturday morning. I'll get enough sleep and calories in preparation, and maybe even hold off on MO.
During the tournament, I'll try to preserve my efforts to be uplifting and considerate to both my partner and my opponents, but this time with a much stronger desire to win compared to rec games.

In the community that this tournament is being hosted by, several college students played during their summer break. They'll be returning to attend this tournament, or at least some of them.
The women of that group are gorgeous, and although I don't know them very well, they seem attractive to me in other aspects too. It would be juvenile to correlate their level of (dis)interest in me with how well I perform in the tournament, wouldn't it? The way that I carry myself though, on and off the court, that will matter.

Is it selfish that I'm making this about myself, when the reason that it's happening is due to someone who was only about twice my age passing away unexpectedly? No, I think that he would be accepting of how I'm viewing it.

No matter what happens on this upcoming day, relapsing afterwards would be double-extra awful.

 

[Sepul0]

When I was choosing a FTND shirt of mine to wear, I was prioritizing aesthetic cohesion with my paddle+sneakers+options for shorts, the messaging of the shirt (mainly what's featured on the front), and the shirt's condition. I didn't take into account how inappropriate this shirt's theme of death is in this context. I'll pick out a different outfit.

 

[Sepul0]

Me and my partner that I was assigned via our placings in our respective pools finished in 4th place, just barely losing both our semifinal game and the bronze medal game. I realized that my hair was embarrassingly messy once I got in my car to leave though, so whatever. People seem to have really enjoy the event overall, which is what's most important.

Earlier this week, I was reminded of how paranoid my workplace is about confidentiality. Also, someone took the time to disassemble one of my Quality-of-Life creations, despite knowing that it currently has a use, and leaving the tucking-away space that it was taking up vacant. I'd rather not write about my workplace anymore.

Saddening things have happened to quite a few people that I care about lately. It's a good thing that most people aren't as pessimistic as I am.

 

[Androg]

Glad you put on a good show. Sorry your co-workers behaved badly.

 

[Sepul0]

Journaling on this website has been a strong net positive for me, but I feel like I'm better off taking a break from it for now, and that if I were to resume journaling, I should move to the NoFap forums [Switching websites would appeal to my Reset mentality]. Thank you to everyone who's been supportive of me here, including of course @Androg , who's been very active in this latest journal of mine.

I have a major life development going on that I don't feel comfortable talking about here, and not talking about it makes this journal feel even more incomplete than it was before. At least the development yields more sobriety incentives.

My friendship with Jinx will allow me to maintain a sense of accountability, and communicate my thoughts and feelings about this issue that I still have a long way to go in fixing.

I need to be easier on myself; the things written in this entry have potential to help accomplish that.