Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot

[marsturm]

Guys, I feel a bit lonely today, but enough of the self-pity, here are the results of day 43:

I'm so f*ing happy that I've been staying away from P for awesome 43 43 43 43 43 days, yeeeiii!!! I might feel lonely, and I am super-relieved. P is so sh*tty I can't believe I watched it for hours on end thinking I had FUN along the way, super lol ;D FUN??? Ha ha ha.

I can't be triggered easily anymore, when I see cute guys it's rather like "oh yeah?" than "I need to PMO NOW." Cold showers have been helpful, working out hard as well. I'm also pretty content with not dating, it's almost like "thank you for the respite."

I'm also trying to go to bed before midnight and not use my computer for reading before I go to bed. I'm turning into a saint, lol. My mood swings have balanced out and I feel less anxious when I'm in public, no shame or fear. PMO creates self-loathing and insecurity.

I would like to express my gratitude for all you brave warriors here who are with me on this path. I can feel you, guys, and it brings tears to my eyes. I never knew how much my addiction made me feel useless, dead, and unhappy, all at the same time. I can only see that now that the fog is s l o w l y lifting. 2015 has come to a good start and I intend it to continue in that fashion. I know that I can't control a relapse 100%, and I know I am willing to not act out 150%. That should do it.

Stay strong, dudes, we can do it! Erection info: I'm in on/off mode, sometimes strong erections at night, or MW, sometimes nothing/very weak. Truckin' on...flatline is my friend

 

[Rick18326]

Patrick, another gay guy here- also working on a hard reboot- day 20 for me.  I enjoy reading your journal and the responses...makes me feel better to know that I am not the only guy out there going through this. 

 

[jstock]

Patrick, you are doing  so good. We are all doing  good in her..everday  we all become  better  human beings. It's a rough battle  sometimes. It really  helps me to know that all of us in here are battling  the same demon. I was so relieved  to find this site. Keep battling. Porn is not an option, ever

 

[lyon03]

Well done my friend. Stay strong and I look forward to following your beautiful journey. Be well brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[marsturm]

Guys, you can celebrate 45 days with me (Yay!) Half of the hard 90 over!

I'm flatlining. The only arousal I get down there is from dope rushes...not the real thing. I had this funny accident yesterday when I did my washing: I sometimes forget my watch in my jeans pocket and put them in the washing machine without checking. When it dawned on me what I had done I thought my watch was broken :-\ for good.

It turned out that it still worked and there was only a delay of 6 minutes, lol, poor watch. I realised that this is a symbol for a new time, a new part of my life, a cleansing has taken place (holy sh*t!). I think that's awesome. Happened exactly on day 45, half of my official reboot time. The universe sends you cohesive messages in a weird way. I'm grateful.

Plans for today: Socialising, eating healthily, working out back, biceps, forearms 8), staying as serene as possible.

Truckin' on and cheering for you guys out there. We can do it!

 

[ntg2978]

That's awesome Patrick!  Good job bro, keep staying strong, and remember to focus more on what you want to accomplish - your goals, aspirations, etc. - than on how much time you've stayed away from PMO'ing.  I see it like a car, we're driving, focusing on where we're going, but every once in a while, looking behind us and acknowledging what we've overcome so far.  Keep up the good work man, doing fantastic!

 

[Phase2]

Congrats on half way, Patrick! Great job and keep going. You must be getting near the end of the flatline by now, maybe? I'm right behind you now -- Day 37-- and still flatlining pretty much 95% of the time. I'm not going to lie, I'm anxious to start feeling some positive results, but proud that I've put in a solid several weeks. Let's keep it going!

 

[lyon03]

Great job brother. Keep working out, eating healthy, and posting here. In no time you'll be a lean and irresistible muscle God! Stay strong my friend. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[ready2go]

Awesome Patrick!  You are an inspiration to me.  Keep on going. 

 

[marsturm]

Thanks guys, it's really fantastic to be cheered on by you! ntg, you're right about focusing on the things I want to accomplish, so here they are:

1. Find a cute partner who wants to be in a committed relationship with me
2. Focus on a steady cash flow (I'm self employed) or find a part time job while building up my business
3. Be friendly to everybody I meet or at least not say anything angry/unfriendly to somebody I don't find too pleasant to be around
4. Lose all my excess body fat by July @lyon03, you're an inspiration, man
5. Still: Reach my first no PMO goal of 90 days hard mode, i.e. no edging or MO

@Phase2: I guess I'm still flatlining. But I don't worry too much, I've had amazing erections at the start of my reboot, so my d*ck's fine, it's ONLY PIED, lol, and it can be cured! It'll balance out, I'm sure, for everyone of us.

Stay strong, brothers, we can do it!

 

[Chaos Mind]

Great Patrick, you formulated very deliberately - I like that!

1.: love and be loved
2.: get a solid basement for your life
3.: recovery is an emotional rollercoaster. Some people tend to back away from problems, others find themselves tetchy and easily irritated. Supressing is not the answer, but dealing with it is. You don't have to force yourself to be friendly to everyone. Some people just don't deserve your effort. But everybody deserves a chance. And all the others deserve your respect, no matter how they treat you.
4.: great goal. Work out and shed some pounds
5.: Hard reset, wow. You are halfway through man. Now comes the tricky part. Stay alert!

 

[lyon03]

Hey brother. I love your post so thanks for sharing. How refreshing to read that someone flatlining is adopting a, "No big deal" attitude. Rather than the usual, "Dear God! Will my d*ck ever work again!" If I may make a suggestion, put this at the top of your list:

LOVE AND RESPECT YOURSELF!

As I've learned the hard way, we only love others as much as we love ourselves. I hated myself and thus hated pretty much everyone. I wasn't much fun back in those days (meaning just a few months ago). Once I learned that I, alone, was enough and that I truly loved myself, only then could I develop healthy relationships. So don't focus too much on having the perfect abs, enough money, a harder d*ck, before taking a chance on life/love. Reboot is not only about beating porn addiction, but also about rebooting your life.

I hope that helps my friend. Stay strong. You are loved and far from alone. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[marsturm]

Hi guys, Thanks for your encouragement, I really love being supported by you! lyon03, you're SO right about love, respect, and trust in life, you struck a chord here. How easy to forget when you're caught in outside-in thinking.

Just came back from a London trip with my sister. It went really well and we connected beautifully. I love my sis!

I'm still flatlining, and I'm surprisingly patient and calm. I guess it's because I'm so happy that I'm not a P slave anymore. No type of P feels as good as being PMO free for sure. I'm also wondering if I've ever known the feeling of "natural", non-artificial horniness. After years of PMO and all-time false horniness (i.e. being more attracted to pixels than to real guys), I might not know the real thing. Have I ever? I can only remember being obsessive about sex in one way or another. I must trust the reboot process. I'm eternally grateful for my new-found freedom. So much so that I sometimes don't even care if my boners come back. The sex respite feels so relieving. (And yes I do want to f*ck again rock-hard )

Be well and strong, brothers, we can do it!

 

[ready2go]

Glad to know you made it home safely Patrick and that your trip was great.  And thanks for your note a few minutes ago.  I don't want P, no.  I have seen a difference in only a few days and to go get a few hours and pseudo pleasure isn't worth it right now.
You are truly inspiring and the further out you get, the more I see how much better things can turn.  Like you, I noticed earlier that everything else is so much better that even without boners, if they ever happen, it will have been worth going PMO-free. 
The fact I had a bad day - shit happens.  Everyone has them.  Being a big boy and not giving into habitual activities that hurt me feels pretty great, despite being uncomfortable. 
Thanks for holding me up.  You make a positive difference in my life.  That's a pretty awesome thing to do for someone.

 

[lyon03]

You've nailed it brother: flatline/withdrawal = healing. Your positive attitude is helping me and everyone else following your journey. Keep posting and moving forward my friend. Be well. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Poker]

Keep on keeping on brother....  Day by day.  There is light at the end of the tunnel and you're going to be so much better off when you get there. 

To quote Noah Church.....  "I don't have any cherished memories of using porn".

Cheers,

p.

 

[marsturm]

Hey guys, day 56:

First of all I'd like to say thank you to all of you for being here with me, cheering me on all along the way. This feels so d*mn good. Reading about your trials and tribulations, successes and milestones is invaluable. I'm ready for more insights!

My flatline continues, and today I had another one of my famous headaches coming on. This used to lead me to PMO, which made matters worse, of course. Now I let it pass and tears welled up inside of me instead. There is pain behind addiction. I was confronted with a feeling of "I've been through a lot and I'm so f*ing happy that I'm clean now!" It really moved me and I feel more alive than ever. PMO = Zombie.

Actually I'm not too worried about my loss of libido because I know that it'll pass and everyone of us seems to have to go through it, some more, some less. So I'm giving myself the green light to laugh and enjoy life the soft way. Wouldn't have thought that it's possible, and it makes me smile Sure I'm eager to be hard again, and I find the possibility of being rock-hard without artificial stimulation so enticing and foreign at the same time that I'm looking forward to it all, as in "I can't wait to read my own post when I'm hard again."

For me, rebooting is letting go. I'm letting go of obsessions, anger, contempt, expectations, craziness, spiralling out of control, depression, hopelessness, sadness, defeat, and sarcasm. Instead, I'm embracing peace, being human, friendliness, accepting my ups and downs, socialising, hope, and serenity. I find it strangely exhilarating. It sure isn't the rollercoaster ride I used to experience, and it's exciting in a natural way. A friend once said "recovery is rock'n'roll," ha ha.

Be well, fellow rebooters, I'm rooting for you all, we can do it! I'd rather be a serene man that shines than a crazy star that blazes. Peace to you all and good luck on your journey.

 

[lyon03]

Terrific post my friend. You are learning to love the pain, withdrawal, and now flatline. Just like the itchiness of a broken limb, it's simply your mind healing. I liked what you wrote about letting go of the emotions. My feeling is PMO addiction was an escape from the pain and suffering of our lives. Remove the drug and all of these painful experiences come rushing back. You are very brave to confront this with a positive attitude. Be well my friend. It gets better. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[ntg2978]

For me, rebooting is letting go. I'm letting go of obsessions, anger, contempt, expectations, craziness, spiralling out of control, depression, hopelessness, sadness, defeat, and sarcasm. Instead, I'm embracing peace, being human, friendliness, accepting my ups and downs, socialising, hope, and serenity. I find it strangely exhilarating.


I really like this, Patrick.  I think you hit the nail on the head...same as what lyon has been saying for a while now, and what I'm also learning myself, and what Underdog said in his post on YBR, which is that P is just a means we have used to self-soothe ourselves when we have painful emotions.  The best way to succeed in a reboot, therefore, is to learn how to deal with negative emotions, so there is no need to self-soothe anymore to take them away or ignore them.  Profound stuff man.  Doing great, keep going!

 

[marsturm]

Day 59:

Yesterday was CRAZY OBSESSIONS DAY for me. It was Sunday, I had nothing to do (gym day off), and felt great in the morning. You know, the feeling of "Yeah, let's see what the day brings, it's awesome!" After reading a bit on the Nation, I had the fantastic ??? idea to write back to a guy who had contacted me via couchsurfing.org (BTW this site has enabled me to have semi-anonymous one-night stands with my hosts, and I can see that I can act out my addiction anywhere.) Anyway, the whole set-up around maybe meeting this guy for a night out got me REALLY excited, mixed with a desperate feeling of "Will I ever find someone for rewiring" and "Everybody has sex, and I don't. I need to be better, more attractive, time's running out, I'm 45 and need to get laid blah blah blah..." BAD start into the day!

This led me to, once again, create a profile on a hyper-sexualised gay dating site, and I started checking out and searching for shirtless guys. (This doesn't count as a classic PMO session for me and I'm not setting my counter back, I stopped myself before jumping to P. I didn't edge or MO'd.) But guys, this totally messed up my day. I wasted my time! I felt depressed and stupid afterwards, and the worst thing was the feeling of CRAZY OBSESSION about sex and relationships and rewiring and being perfect and what have you. EVERYTHING of it at once. So I sent out an SOS to my RN buddies and they grabbed me by the neck and soothed me. Thank you, guys, very moving and I'm so grateful to you.

What's the message for me?
1. If I take my obsessive thoughts and worries seriously, I end up in deep sh*t.

2. I need to trust that love is the answer, not believing that I could ever be satisfied with any sex adventures (this is really hard for me, there's a part of me that believes that once I've had more hook-ups, I'll be good. Grrrr!!!)

3. Rebooting can't and shouldn't be done with the goal of perfection in mind. I can't force to have a guy to rewire with and the more I try to control and am desperate about it, the easier I slip.

4. I need to trust my inner wisdom to guide me through this. I mean, what's the point if I really believed that I should try hooking up again? I bet this would bring me happiness and peace of mind (just kidding). I KNOW what feels crazy and what doesn't. I KNOW what's serene and what's not. My addict self wants to make me believe that there's fun to be had if I follow my obsessions. Oh yeah?

I'm willing to look at the ways that I use to raise my dopamine levels through P substitues. I may be lying to myself, and I'm happy and proud that I didn't end up in a PMO binge yesterday. And that's also thanks to you guys. If I had to set my counter back everytime I'm having a dopamine spike during the day, I'd still be at day 1. So I see it as a part of my non-linear imperfect process that I've got a rather solid basis of no PMO, and I'm going to watch the dopamine traps. Maybe I'm not ready to give them up yet, gnnnn.

The upside was that I could cry when taking my cold shower, realising how desperate my thinking can become. I went to see some friends who were taking my despondent self in stride. They were loving and kind and that helped me a lot. Also had a great walk in the rain with burning wood smell wafting in the night air. I went to bed at 11pm which was also good. It's 9:30am in Germany now and I'm willing to let go of my obsessive thinking. I'd like to discover peace as the antidote to my worries more of the time

Please feel free to comment, your input and thoughts are highly appreciated. Stay strong guys, we can do it!