Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot

[Leon]

Glad to see you back, Patrick. It's challenging, but see your relapse as a lesson to learn, and I saw that you posted that. But, it's all a part of your learning curve in beating this thing.

You can do it, and the feelings about relapsing can be used to strengthen your resolve, kind of like a 'rubber-band' effect. Remember the feelings you had afterward, list them off in a journal (written, rather than cyber?), and recall those to mind if ever tempted again.

You can do this, and we're all here for you- rooting you on to finish the race strong.

 

[Rick18326]

Relapses can be tough, but they are also chances to learn...learned a lot when I had my last one.  Trick is forgiving yourself and getting back on the horse...and learning from the experience.

For me the tablet is dangerous.  I've been noticing I have been spending too much time on youtube watching exercise videos lately...not quite edging...but pretty close to the line.  I'm gonna impose some time limits going forward...like the idea of budgeting time.  Boredom can be a trigger...anyone else try meditation?

Avesraggiana love your sense of humour!

 

[marsturm]

Day 6 after relapse:

Hi guys, Thanks for your lovely posts. Loving myself is the most important thing for me at the moment. I get so caught up in my stressful thinking that I forget that life is good. Since my relapse I've been avoiding dope traps, and I have to say I spend a lot less on the Nation, because currently almost everything seems to trigger me. It could even be seeing that my neighbor isn't home, which meant for me that nothing and no-one would disturb me while indulging in PMO. A friend said a door being closed could be a trigger for him. I'm staying vigilant and move away the second I can feel the dope rushing in.

I'm concentrating on growing my business, staying clean and serene, and working out harder. Dating is not an option until March or April, I still need time for myself. It would be too upsetting for me. I'm hyper-sensitive. So I guess I'm truckin' along. Hours seem to stretch like bubble gum. I'm in the throes of flatline, and I hope that my brain made the most of my 60 days before relapse Boredom is an option, thanks avesraggiana, love your humor, too

Have a fabulous day, guys, I'm rooting for us all. We can do it!

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing Patrick. Glad you're back. I think it's a great idea to set a specific date for when you can start dating again. I thought about you in a 12-step meeting I attended (via Skype) last Sunday. One of the members was sharing and said something like, "I want to be in a relationship but I'm not ready yet. Until I learn to love myself unconditionally, I'll just hope someone else will fix a broken me. That's not fair the other person." It took me a long time to understand that I didn't have to use porn, I didn't have to masturbate, I didn't need meaningless hookup sex. But we are human beings and need love/affection. That's what we're programmed for. We're not programmed to become dependent on someone else or addicted tot things like screens. I finally understand that I am enough and, once whole, only then I can share my fabulous self with another human being. I'm rambling and hope some of this makes sense. Anyhow, I applaud your decision to take some time, to heal, and then meet Mr. Right. Be well my brother. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[Leon]

 
Loving myself is the most important thing for me at the moment. I get so caught up in my stressful thinking that I forget that life is good.

This is so important, Patrick. Loving yourself includes forgiving yourself, understanding yourself- even accepting yourself, even with all our flaws and weaknesses.

Taking care of yourself right now is the best thing you can do, for your reboot, and also for your overall health.

Since my relapse I've been avoiding dope traps, and I have to say I spend a lot less on the Nation, because currently almost everything seems to trigger me. It could even be seeing that my neighbor isn't home, which meant for me that nothing and no-one would disturb me while indulging in PMO. A friend said a door being closed could be a trigger for him. I'm staying vigilant and move away the second I can feel the dope rushing in.

Excellent, Patrick. Great job, avoiding those things that seem to occasion a struggle. But seeing that stuff for what it is, as that which truly robs you of your happiness, robs you of positive vibes, robs you of feeling good about yourself, and that which robs you of your overall health- even if 'triggering' circumstances arise, nothing- and I mean NOTHING can make you do what after all is against you, undermines you. No one can force you to do self-harm- in like manner, see triggers like that- they can never make you do something that you know is totally against your overall health and well being.

Peace.

 

[marsturm]

Day 10 after relapse:

Whew, I'm truckin' along guys. Had very strong urges yesterday to watch P (chaser effect from relapse, wanted to see some pics "one last time" and sh*t like that). What really makes me strong is the knowledge that I have PIED and there's zero chance I will recover from it if I PMO again.

I have this very tiny glimpse of hope that there's something else out there, a life after porn. Being in flatline sucks the zest out of my days. If I get stuck in lowlife thinking ("It'll never be different, I'm different, nobody wants me anyway, P will always be my last resort blah blah blah") I hold on to the faint light in the distance that I won't know until I know, that there are friends on the Nation who have succeeded, and I realize that porn is not an option.

It's weird how I keep thinking that maybe P does a bit of good one day. Hello? My reward center must be rebooted! I've taken up some HIIT yesterday and running in nature was a lot of fun. I'm so grateful I didn't act out yesterday. I guess I can honestly say that I haven't fallen for dope traps in the last 10 days, yay! I lovingly take care of myself

Thank you guys for being here with me, I'm rooting for you. We can do it!

 

[Feetfirst]

Well done Patrick. You are doing all you can do and that is to keep going. Porn is not an option. It is the pathway to certain suffering. A?l strength to you my friend. You can do it! FF

 

[lyon03]

Well done Patrick. Don't get down on yourself my friend. We're all just a click, zip, fap away from relapse. We have to fail our way to success brother. Great news about exercising. Remember: you are not your mind nor your thoughts. It took me a very long time to quiet my inner addict and accept the peace that comes with a PMO-free lifestyle. I know you'll get there. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.

 

[avesraggiana]

HAPPY VALENTINE?S DAY, SIR PATRICK - or should I say, DAME PATRICK?

Eeeeek!!!! Did I just say that?!?!  Anyway, good job taking of yourself, my man, and good job looking out for number one - YOU. 

You take care of yourself, the rest takes care of itself.  Magically.

 

[ready2go]

Patrick you are totally loved.  And loveable.  Porn playing tricks on you says otherwise.  Fuck porn.  Keep going Patrick.  We are here.  Turn to us and ignore porn's call.

 

[Poker]

Hi Patrick ...  sorry to read you've been struggling.  I want to point you to a very inspirational thread...  Read post 1 entirely, even though it is long.  I helped me.....

http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=1256.0
Hello Gentlemen, Now We Begin - William

Try to read something from it daily...  even YBOP daily..... 

You can beat this.  Its not really porn you like.  You think you like it... but its something else.  Its the dopamine high.  That's all. 

Cheers,

p.

 

[ntg2978]

Hope you're doing good Patrick.  I have not been able to be on here for a little while because of life stuff, but I'm still checking in every so often on all you guys!  I would say that after reading your last post, my advice would be to start replacing negative thoughts with positive ones.  Your thoughts seem like they are not really that important, because it's your actions that count; but actually our actions are the offspring of our thoughts, so your thoughts are creating your actions.  So, if you can win the battle in your mind, you can win the battle over your actions.

So, with that in mind, start trying to catch yourself when you have negative/limiting thoughts, such as "I can't do this" or "These urges are so strong" or something like that, and consciously decide what thought you'd rather have; write down all the negative/limiting thoughts you find yourself having, and next to it, write out a replacement thought you could have that is positive.  An example is "I can't do this" becomes "I'm a very powerful person, and I can do anything I set my mind to".  You get the idea.  Do this for all the negative/limiting thoughts you're having on a recurring basis, and carry this paper around with you, and when you catch yourself having a negative/limiting thought, purposefully make yourself turn it into a positive thought right then and there.

The magic of the mind is that when you do something repetitively a lot, not only does it get easier, but it also becomes a habit.  So, you'll create the habit of when you have a negative/limiting thought, you automatically replace it with a positive thought, without even being consciously aware of it, and that's when your actions will change permanently, without your willpower to make them change.

I hope this helps.

 

[marsturm]

Day 16 (after relapse):

Thanks for the support, guys, highly appreciated I'm doing good, and sometimes the dope craze I get when I'm being triggered is fascinating (Spock again). I ignore it and life goes on. The good thing about this addiction is that it's easy to see through once you open your eyes. Problem: PMO. Solution: No PMO. How simple is that? (Of course, avoiding dope traps is sooo important, too.)

I've been thinking about joining a gay non-sexualised dating site in March, spring is on its way, and it feels right. I've had some wet dreams lately, that's OK, and my MW comes back sporadically. No random erections during the day. I can attest to what Phase2 said about O leading back to flatline. So when I'm starting to rewire, I'll have to be aware of not strengthening the old pornified pathways. It'll be old-fashioned dating where I might have to buy a drink, a ticket for the movies, and a meal at a restaurant, ha ha. I'm interested in a committed, long-term relationship. I don't want anything else.

My business is running more smoothly, which is nice. Exercise routine is going strong. I'm socialising more and find it satisfying. My mood swings are small, all is well. So basically I'm doing really good. Thanks for being here with me, guys, we can do it!

 

[Leon]

Congratulations on day 16, Patrick! You're doing great. Awesome comeback. My suggestion, unless it serves you, I would drop the 'after relapse' part, just so you're not constantly referencing back to 'failure' or that episode.

It's just day 16, since you got back on the horse, day 16 since you said, 'No' to giving up, day 16 since you shrugged off that minor setback, and decided to go forward.

How we handle or deal with setbacks, lapses or relapses has a major impact on our recovery- or reboot. Screw that relapse! You are not that, and that is now non-existent in the past. Leave it there, and don't drag that with you as you go forward.

Much love, brother.

 

[ntg2978]

I totally agree with Leon, focus on what you want to do going forward, not on where you've been.  Where you've been only matters in the sense that you learn whatever you can from it and take those lessons with you into the future.  Focus and concentration dictate where we go, so keep it on what you want to hit.  Doing good man!

 

[WankFree]

Hi Patrick,
Thank you for your post. I am 52 and still looking for that special relationship in my life too. I have been hooked on P since the mid to late 90's after I got my first computer. I allowed myself to lean toward porn because it was becoming too much of a hassle to go all the way out to the bar, go through the muck-muck and eventually drag someone home to trick. I have an addictive personality and I did have some serious problems with drugs and alcohol when I was younger, but I found recovery and have not drank or drugged for 25 years. Even with all that recovery time the cunning, baffling and powerfulness of addiction continues to amaze me. I cross addicted to sex and also some gambling. I tried going to 12 step meetings on sex addiction and found that it didn't help me address the hard-core addictive part of myself, it felt more like therapy. I went for a few years and even abstained from porn for months, even over a year at a time. What I didn't understand it that I was still feeding those pathways in my brain with MO to fantasy and P images in my mind. I have thrown in the towel too many times and plan to stay the course to abstain from PMO.

 

[lyon03]

I've been thinking about joining a gay non-sexualised dating site in March, spring is on its way, and it feels right. I've had some wet dreams lately, that's OK, and my MW comes back sporadically. No random erections during the day. I can attest to what Phase2 said about O leading back to flatline. So when I'm starting to rewire, I'll have to be aware of not strengthening the old pornified pathways. It'll be old-fashioned dating where I might have to buy a drink, a ticket for the movies, and a meal at a restaurant, ha ha. I'm interested in a committed, long-term relationship. I don't want anything else.

Hey brother. Thanks for sharing so openly and honestly. Your post gives me pause for several reasons: first, you may not be ready to combine gay love with a screen. Gays tends to focus too much on casual sex at the expense of real intimacy so I worry about throwing you my good friend (a beautiful lamb) to the gay community (the hungry wolves). Second, I feel I was only ready to love another person when I'd learned to love myself. I'm not sure if you're at this stage. And third, as Leon and others have written, you may still be to early in reboot as you appear to identify yourself for what you were (and addict), rather than what you are (a beautiful and addiction-free man).

Do I feel like I have to protect you? Absolutely. Am I judging? Absolutely not. I just care a lot about you and don't want to see you fall into (gay) traps that may lead you to relapse. Love Lyon.

 

[Leon]

I wholly agree with the words of Lyon, with their spirit and tenor- Patrick.

Be well, and much love to you.

 

[marsturm]

Hey guys, 25 days for me now (time flies when you're having fun )

First of all, thank you for reminding me that this is about the present and not the past. The biggest difference between the time before and after my relapse is that I've been wary of dope traps and rarely followed them. Before, I would indulge in P subs and be proud that I didn't PMO. Today I can say that I've been clean of PMO and 99% of P subs. (Part of it is being human.) It gets easier with time. There's no other way, I've seen time and time again that dope leads to relapse.

My MW has come back nicely, which is amazing and fun. I liked Phase2's comment about male sexuality implying that you don't use your hands but your hips I also had a boner for a while during the day and it lasted while standing up - good signs! I don't want to become d*ck obsessed though.

I was reminded that letting go is the best way to relax and that it's too early for me to go on a planned search for a rewiring partner. All in good time. Thanks for your support and caring, guys, I feel loved.

Stay strong today, life is awesome without P. We can do it!

 

[avesraggiana]

Good for you, Patrick.  Having the self-awareness to catch your patterns, and then doing something to change them is one of the biggest parts of the challenge of overcoming PIED.

The MWs are a gratifying sign, aren?t they?!  I?ve been enjoying mine.  They, along with other gradual changes, have motivated me to keep going. 

Well done, my man!