Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot

[goffredo]

Since that encounter with the masseur, I've managed to set up fuck-dates from a small but willing list of fuckbuddies. 

For as long as you keep your sexual activities safe and sane, I don't think there's anything harmful with setting up fuck dates, to soften feelings  of fear and loneliness.  And definitely, having someone to fuck, will leave you less inclined to MO or PMO.

This is one of my favorite things about being bi.  If I'm really horny, finding another horny guy for a no-strings-attached sexual encounter within the hour is ridiculously easy to do.  But as I do generally prefer the company of women, and I really enjoy pussy, I can have more meaningful relationships with women; and I think it's easier for men to have emotionally unattached no-strings sex, so I don't feel so bad about "using" men for sex, but my conscious beats me up a bit whenever I use a woman for the same thing.

 

[Feetfirst]

Hey Patrick, just caught up a bit on your thread. Brilliant to see you at the centre of a virtual party as you pick yourself up again and shake your booty! I really identify with where you are at right now.  I have found meditation so useful at this time. Find stillness. Observe your agitated mind from this place. Practice patient acceptance and ride the storm.  The less resistance we bring to the painful feeling arising in our mind the quicker it passes and also the less chance of it repeating itself. Be well my friend, FF

 

[ntg2978]

But as I do generally prefer the company of women, and I really enjoy pussy, I can have more meaningful relationships with women; and I think it's easier for men to have emotionally unattached no-strings sex, so I don't feel so bad about "using" men for sex, but my conscious beats me up a bit whenever I use a woman for the same thing.

Women are horny too bro, they just don't show it like guys do.  Our socialization would have us believe that women are angels and don't do dirty things like one night stands, but don't believe everything you hear.

Guys sometimes complain about a woman who sleeps with many guys; they may say that she is perverted, she's a slut, whatever, but inwardly, they want to sleep with her.

Girls complain about guys who sleep with lots of women, even on one-night-stands, saying they are jerks and take advantage of women; but inwardly, they want to be seduced by them and want to feel they are attractive enough to get a guy like that to take interest in them.

General rule of thumb:  Try to be like the person the person you want complains about.

 

[goffredo]

General rule of thumb:  Try to be like the person the person you want complains about.

Nice.  That corroborates the phenomena that women like bad boys.  I try to be a bad boy, who still takes her out to breakfast the next morning.

 

[ntg2978]

Yeah, it's not so much about being a bad boy per se as much as it is about putting your own interests, goals, desires first, and then fitting her into those, not throwing them out for her, if that makes sense.  This kind of behavior is labeled as "bad" because it is opposite of what most guys do, and society frowns upon it, because the guy is supposed to cater to the girl (ie: wine & dine her).

 

[ntg2978]

Patrick, didn't mean to hijack your thread here man, I hope you're doing good bro. 

 

[marsturm]

Good morning Nation, day 10:

Since starting here I've had two relapses, one after day 60 (my personal best) and one after day 34. This time, I'm on my journey to never PMO again. I've found out that there's a pattern to this. First, my inner addict gets me tangled up in a dope rush that can be triggered anytime without prior warning. I start to get good boners around day 21. After a while, I give in to MO, which leads to PMO.

What to do? If I keep it simple, I'd say I'll have to stay away from that first MO'ing. If it happens at night, it's more difficult because I'm in a mood of "I couldn't care less." Any advice from you guys how to conquer this? I've been thinking about getting up, even if it's 2:45am. If I stay in bed all horny it's just too dangerous, I guess.

Thank you, lyon03, for suggesting to read "Breaking the Cycle," it's so good and totally relevant. And thanks for everyone who has been cheering me on

Tonight I'll be on stage with my gay choir. Yay! I don't know with whom to rewire, and it's probably still too early for me to look for someone systematically. Staying in the game for 90 days without PMO should do the trick. I'll figure something out. My brain still needs a rest.

Guys, I wish you all a porn-free weekend! We can do it! Life is so much better without porn.

 

[Feetfirst]

Choir sounds good. Singing is such a brilliant release for the soul. All music for that matter but the primal nature of singing is most potent. Where we are able to find wholesome alternative pursuits to P that is really the way forward. Have a wonderful weekend FF

 

[marsturm]

Hi guys, day 12:

I'm really happy reading George Collins' "Breaking the Cycle." Although I generally don't like techniques to get you anywhere, I have to say that this book is a treasure of wonderful stopping-before-failing methods. Particularly talking to my inner addict has been useful. I've discovered that I always find him out to be a frightened, helpless, and insecure child, teen, or young adult. He complains about loneliness and desperation, and I tell him that it's over and that I'm in charge now. Then I hug him and feel at peace - the urges are basically gone.

I also like touching my chest where my heart is and saying "Never again, never enough," which is my cue for "I want to connect to real men and not pixels anymore" whenever I feel the dope rushing in or sexualise guys. (They are human beings with hopes, fears, and yes, smells, just like me, they aren't perfect.) Then it's easier for me to let go

I'm still in flatline and will have to brace myself for the storm of horniness around day 21. This time, no MO'ing leading to PMO. My goal is still to beat my previous best of 60 days. I know I can do it. Cheers, dudes, have a great porn-free Monday!

 

[lyon03]

Thanks for sharing Patrick. I too found "Breaking the Cycle" very helpful in battling my various demons/addictions. Keep going brother. We've all tried and failed at this, whether before or during reboot, but the important thing is to keep fighting, learning, and being proactive. You're an inspiration. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION. 

 

[fightforlife]

How ironic you?re talking about day 21. Today would?ve been day 21 for me and turned out to be my first relapse.
Well, "turned out to be" is not a good expression, I made a really bad decision. Learn out of my mistake!
But it is good to know that you can get back on the horse again, thank you for the inspiration.
It?s never something I?ve been good at, usually took a lot of tries after a relapse until I got a new run going.
But that is something I have to work on, tomorrow will be day one, not another day zero!
The quicker you get back in the game, the smaller is your loss in progress. Ain?t no point in furtherly damaging your brain just because you had one weak moment.

I?m right behind you brother!

 

[marsturm]

I relapsed and feel terrible. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that I can beat this. I don't know what's happening, I am in a low mood. One thing that creeps up on me is thinking of all the people I have lost in my life, my parents, my boyfriend, and a good friend from the Nation. I know this is not a reason to PMO, and it is still my medication of choice to not face the pain. I also feel inadequate to have gay dates. This is all an illusion, I'm sure that I'm perfectly capable, and the fearful feelings that intimacy is too scary are so strong. I feel like I want to shoot myself. (No I don't really, I'm just full of anger and I'm desperate :'() The PMO sessions totally messed up my brain.

I'm okay I guess, I just feel GNNNN!!!! And I can't believe I did it again! WHY THE F*CK DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? When I look at my journal I was all up and going, made it to 60 days, and now this is my f*ing third relapse, and the days in between grow smaller. If I had to answer my question, I'd say that I put too much pressure on myself to be perfect. When I can't stand up to my ideals, I medicate the pain and "inadequacy" by watching handsome guys in P. Great idea... The funny thing is that I'm attractive, if I may say so, and inside I feel like sh*t. I'm not 21 anymore, and I'm 46 and attractive. My obsessions about good looks, muscles, and youth are tiresome and make me feel terrible. This leads to isolation and PMO.

Guys, I'm so grateful to you that you are here with me. It feels good to admit that I'm not Mr Perfect. (I'm the last to know.) Others have been more successful than me in their reboots, have had mind-blowing sex, and reap the benefits. For me it's back on the horse and believing in myself. Comparing myself to others is killing me. I'll always be the loser. Thanks, guys, for reading. Have a good porn-free start into the week. Much love. Please don't worry if I sound too negative, I know this will pass. Just a result from the relapse.

 

[Leon]

Sorry, Patrick. I feel your pain, having been there numerous times myself (an over 20 year addiction).

You're not a loser, though! The only thing that will make you a 'loser' (by choice) is if you didn't get up and fight this crap! The fact that you got up means that you're trying, that you're doing something about it.

Counting days in between lapses, as getting lesser and lesser is just a sign that you need to 'buckle' down more, focus more on you- on your sobriety and health.

Glad you're aware that all this is just self-medication, and we can add to that 'escapism' as well.

Sounds to me that much of it relates to an 'identity crisis'- dealing with the negative views you entertain about your (awesome) self. Man, you're probably a really cool guy to know- though I know our interactions are only 'virtual'. You probably have many good things going for you, as you mentioned that you're handsome?? That's a start- but on the inside, you're probably not a jerk, but are a nice person. I know that means a lot to me as a hetero man, that other men are not jerks (too many of them!).

Will setting your counter as Beat my personal best work better for you? Than you can be like,

"My personal best (for example) is 90 days, I'll make that a personal challenge to myself (screw whatever other people's counters say!), that...I Will beat my personal best, for me!"

Before you compare, and say- "That's easy for you to say, you're at day-X!" My own struggles have stretched over 20 years to varying degrees of intensity, with many attempts to quit, including accountability groups, counseling, etc, all to no avail. So, I've fell on my face, often. And- being a perfectionist myself- all the self-hate, and self-anger that comes with it. And it wasn't until I addressed both the shame-factor as well as the identity-crisis, was I able to finally undercut my cyclic and addictive behaviors.

Peace, brother. Let me know if I can be of any help to you in this. You can do it! 

 

[ready2go]

I'm having those depression things come and go myself.  They are HORRIBLE.  I'm not even prone to depression, and have never been.  So yeah. 

Glad you're still here with us Patrick.  We are, after all, in this together and each of us shares each others' victories and each others' challenges.  So you were challenged and you acted.  It happens and now you're moving on.

Actually these must be some tough days because it seems like everyone is facing these challenges this last week or so.  Some are partaking, some aren't.  And it's all fine and we're still here together. 

Just keep going buddy.  You're winning, even if it feels like something else at any given moment.
Remember how much we all love you, too, Patrick.  Think of it as spooky action at a distance, which seems to be in the news this week.
R2G

 

[jstock]

Hello Patrick, you had a little  set back, it's  ok.  I think  just about  everyone in here has had at least  one. All you can do is learn what caused  it, and go from there. In the words of all our friend lyon said,  porn is not an option

 

[LS90]

Hey Patrick. It must be spring we all relapsed. Damn! As a lot of other caring people said, it's just a set back.

Leon's post was pretty much spot-on so I just can share my support to you. All the best!

 

[ntg2978]

Yeah Patrick,  good advice here man, just learn what triggered you, think of a way to circumvent it next time, as it WILL come up again, then when it happens, just nod your head and say to yourself, no big deal, I was wondering when you'd come around again, and do what you've planned on doing.  Work your plan, and plan your work.  Stay strong and carry on.

 

[marsturm]

Thanks for your posts, guys, this is day 6:

I feel good. It's been helpful to let myself off the hook, which means for me to not believe in ANY stressful thoughts. Stress is stress, and it leads to relapse. So I started this 90-day-challenge: No stress, no PMO, no worrisome thoughts about how to find a rewiring partner, no comparing myself to others, just enjoying life. Man, this feels awesome. I didn't know how much I used to stress myself out about EVERYTHING. And it never led me anywhere useful. This time, I want to see myself at 90 days. And I know I can make it. Stay strong today, guys.

 

[jstock]

Good job Patrick. You are a warrior.  I slipped  up a while back, and I was on day 98. It sucked, I don't want to feel that way, ever again. Kept your head up, we are all in this together. Thank god we have this site, where we can all discuss our battle together. I, like you was in a terrible place before I started  this reboot. I'm so proud  of all us.  Have a good day.

 

[Leon]

Thanks for your posts, guys, this is day 6:

I feel good. It's been helpful to let myself off the hook, which means for me to not believe in ANY stressful thoughts. Stress is stress, and it leads to relapse. So I started this 90-day-challenge: No stress, no PMO, no worrisome thoughts about how to find a rewiring partner, no comparing myself to others, just enjoying life. Man, this feels awesome. I didn't know how much I used to stress myself out about EVERYTHING. And it never led me anywhere useful. This time, I want to see myself at 90 days. And I know I can make it. Stay strong today, guys.

You can, and you will make it, Patrick. What an awesome attitude you have.

Congratulations on day 6 and beyond. You can do this, and we're here with you, cheering you on.