Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot
- Thread starter marsturm
- Start date
Jimmy James
Active Member
Patrick said:
This will be one of the keys to your success.
F
Feetfirst
Guest
Hey Patrick, congeatulations! You are making great progress. You are right the less we allow ourselves to mess around the edges the easier it becomes. I definately feel a stronger this time around with much clearer rules or mindset of what is allowed. Look after the pennies and the pounds look after themselves. Go Patrick!
marsturm
Active Member
3 hours ago I relapsed with PMO. The night before, I MO'd, and that was that. I am a P and M addict. MO leads to PMO in my case. Fear, loneliness, and sadness were the start of my needing to "medicate." I will be back on track. I don't know how to stay away from MO, and I will get back on the horse. Right now, this seems like the hardest fight I have ever fought. And I have been through some sh*t, as everyone has. I don't want to whine, and (old) feelings of isolation, sadness, longing, and mourning took their toll. Today I started to sob in the dentist's chair while I had my teeth cleaned. I was a lucky bastard, the lady in charge was sooo nice and loving, it tore me apart. I have been missing my mother a lot lately...and she reminded me of her. Angels are everywhere. Thanks for everyone on the Nation, I love you guys. I am going to post more frequently now. I'm off to dinner.
lyon03
Respected Member
Hey brother. I MOd yesterday too so don't get too down on yourself. I'm trying to identify the feelings and situations that led to me fapping. You are not alone so keep posting, keep sharing, and keep going. No one is judging you. It takes a lot of courage to start over again my friend. Fail your way to success. PORN IS NOT AN OPTION.
avesraggiana
Member
Hey, Patrick. Chin up. It's another day, the first of many days filled with hope and opportunity to start again. For as long as the desire is strong in you to kick this habit, you have every chance of succeeding.
For me, it was easy NOT to MO or PMO at the beginning because I had NO libido. I was so deep in Flatline that the urge to look at porn or even touch myself didn't even register. Now, my libido is coming back, not yet at full and normal strength, but definitely coming back. The more evidence I see and feel of my libido returning, the less inclined I am to seek out porn or masturbate. What I do is hold out for the real thing instead.
My first sexual experience after starting my reboot was one I paid for, by booking a one hour appointment with the hottest male masseur I could find, who would be more than willing to give me a happy ending. Found him! That I paid for him, so what?! He served my purpose and for the purposes of rebooting, that's all that mattered. Since that encounter with the masseur, I've managed to set up fuck-dates from a small but willing list of fuckbuddies.
For as long as you keep your sexual activities safe and sane, I don't think there's anything harmful with setting up fuck dates, to soften feelings of fear and loneliness. And definitely, having someone to fuck, will leave you less inclined to MO or PMO.
I told one our newest pink members, lapdog, about your tiara. Girl, wear it with pride and fierceness so we can all see it! I think you'd look ravishing as well in an all black tutu with gold brocade and sequins, and pink satin pointe shoes, a la Black Swan in Swan Lake. But don't copy Natalie Portman's campy tutu and makeup! We don't want this to look trashy now.
Seriously, Patrick, I can understand your feelings of sadness and loneliness and despair. Go ahead and wallow, you're allowed especially when you're in mourning. And keep finding those angels who are everywhere, wherever you turn. You just have to be willing to see them.
Much love.
For me, it was easy NOT to MO or PMO at the beginning because I had NO libido. I was so deep in Flatline that the urge to look at porn or even touch myself didn't even register. Now, my libido is coming back, not yet at full and normal strength, but definitely coming back. The more evidence I see and feel of my libido returning, the less inclined I am to seek out porn or masturbate. What I do is hold out for the real thing instead.
My first sexual experience after starting my reboot was one I paid for, by booking a one hour appointment with the hottest male masseur I could find, who would be more than willing to give me a happy ending. Found him! That I paid for him, so what?! He served my purpose and for the purposes of rebooting, that's all that mattered. Since that encounter with the masseur, I've managed to set up fuck-dates from a small but willing list of fuckbuddies.
For as long as you keep your sexual activities safe and sane, I don't think there's anything harmful with setting up fuck dates, to soften feelings of fear and loneliness. And definitely, having someone to fuck, will leave you less inclined to MO or PMO.
I told one our newest pink members, lapdog, about your tiara. Girl, wear it with pride and fierceness so we can all see it! I think you'd look ravishing as well in an all black tutu with gold brocade and sequins, and pink satin pointe shoes, a la Black Swan in Swan Lake. But don't copy Natalie Portman's campy tutu and makeup! We don't want this to look trashy now.
Seriously, Patrick, I can understand your feelings of sadness and loneliness and despair. Go ahead and wallow, you're allowed especially when you're in mourning. And keep finding those angels who are everywhere, wherever you turn. You just have to be willing to see them.
Much love.
marsturm
Active Member
Guys, I love you! Thanks for the support. As you can see from my counter, I relapsed again this morning. I am beaten down by headaches and a general frailty. I need time for myself to recover. I'm also looking for an accountability partner that I could check in with regularly. I know that I can get up again, and I don't understand why I want to PMO or what to do about it. I'm insecure because I'm confused. What is right and what is wrong? Luckily, I'm feeling serene, so no desire for P. Be well, Nation.
lyon03
Respected Member
I'm happy to be your sobriety partner Patrick. I believe we're both in Europe so private message me your cell number and we can communicate (free) through WhatsApp or Skype if you prefer. You mentioned alcoholism in your family. I have the same thing on my mother's side but have decided the addiction stops with me. We are not our brains, nor are we our pasts. I'll send you my details via PM and hope to hear from you. Be well my friend.
marsturm
Active Member
It's Friday morning and day 2 of my new-found sobriety. This feels good. Really good. I'm eternally grateful to be part of this community. I saw a friend yesterday and we had this beautiful conversation. He told me that I ALWAYS have a safe place inside, no matter what my outside circumstances. It was so sweet. I keep forgetting that, and this can lead to PMO. If I believe that this place doesn't exist, it is like denying the sun behind the clouds. It gives me strength to be secure in the knowledge that there IS something better out there for me, because I'm safe inside.
I wish you all a porn-free Friday and much love. The German word for Friday is Freitag, which literally means freedom day
Stay strong, guys.
I wish you all a porn-free Friday and much love. The German word for Friday is Freitag, which literally means freedom day
Stay strong, guys.
lyon03
Respected Member
Happy Freedom Day! I learned something from your post brother. Addiction makes our view of the world dirty, blurry, and negative. Keep focusing on your goal of living a happy and addiction-free life. The stumbles and mistakes are just steps along the way. Be well my friend. PMO IS NOT AN OPTION.
marsturm
Active Member
Hi guys, day 3. Gay info: I'm listening to the new Madonna album Not only recovering from PMO but also from an attack of frailty in the last few days and an upset stomach. I could see that it's only my thinking that causes my stress, not my outside circumstances (I keep forgetting because it feels so d*mn real). Sometimes I'm my worst enemy. Or at least my thinking. It's good to let go then. I'm grateful for my sobriety and hope it stays that way. Next week, George Collins' book "Breaking the Cycle" will arrive, yay. I hope I can start my workout again tomorrow or Monday. I wish you all a great and porn-free weekend.
Not only recovering from PMO but also from an attack of frailty in the last few days and an upset stomach. I could see that it's only my thinking that causes my stress, not my outside circumstances (I keep forgetting because it feels so d*mn real). Sometimes I'm my worst enemy. Or at least my thinking. It's good to let go then. I'm grateful for my sobriety and hope it stays that way. Next week, George Collins' book "Breaking the Cycle" will arrive, yay. I hope I can start my workout again tomorrow or Monday. I wish you all a great and porn-free weekend.
L
Leon
Guest
Listening to Madonna is being gay? I sure didn't think so back in the day
I sure like the advice or conversation you had recently, about the safe place inside. Lately I used the analogy of the 'eye of the storm', that all chaos may be going on outside, but within is that quiet place, calm, where you can always center and regroup. How to get there is to slow your breathing down, maybe focus on one thing (your breath, or the flame of a candle, a mantra or a prayer, etc), and your mind will slow down.
I sense a new spirit or attitude about you, Patrick. I believe in you, and in the quiet strength that resides within you.
I sure like the advice or conversation you had recently, about the safe place inside. Lately I used the analogy of the 'eye of the storm', that all chaos may be going on outside, but within is that quiet place, calm, where you can always center and regroup. How to get there is to slow your breathing down, maybe focus on one thing (your breath, or the flame of a candle, a mantra or a prayer, etc), and your mind will slow down.
I sense a new spirit or attitude about you, Patrick. I believe in you, and in the quiet strength that resides within you.
avesraggiana
Member
Hey, Patrick!
GURRRRLLLl!!!! You may be my Lucky Star any day!
Gosh, have I just dated myself? That is STILL my favourite Madonna song of all time.
I hope you had an enjoyable and relaxing weekend, Patrick. I know what you mean by our mind getting the better of us. We have a mind, and we have thoughts, but we are not our mind, and we are not our thoughts. Kudos to you for noticing, even just momentarily, the difference.
I used to be a big fan of The Work of/by Byron Katie. Check her stuff out when you get a moment.
Have a great week, Diva!
GURRRRLLLl!!!! You may be my Lucky Star any day!
Gosh, have I just dated myself? That is STILL my favourite Madonna song of all time.
I hope you had an enjoyable and relaxing weekend, Patrick. I know what you mean by our mind getting the better of us. We have a mind, and we have thoughts, but we are not our mind, and we are not our thoughts. Kudos to you for noticing, even just momentarily, the difference.
I used to be a big fan of The Work of/by Byron Katie. Check her stuff out when you get a moment.
Have a great week, Diva!
ready2go
Active Member
Dating oneself: ok here goes. Barbra Streissand and Judy Garland on the same stage singing duets.
Kind a makes me think we could enjoy a Rolling Thunder Review type concert with Cher, Madonna, and Lady Gaga sharing the stage.
We are not our thoughts, but are our memories of the music and the dancing.
Kind a makes me think we could enjoy a Rolling Thunder Review type concert with Cher, Madonna, and Lady Gaga sharing the stage.
We are not our thoughts, but are our memories of the music and the dancing.
What a great thread! I saw Cher last summer and plan to see Madonna this summer for the first time when she swings through town on her new tour. Dancing to Vogue at the gay bars with my friends back in the early 90's will always be a touchstone for me. Everything seemed so easy and fun back then and we were always up for new adventures. Thirty seemed old to us! Glad that we can share some happy memories.
Take Care, Patrick
Take Care, Patrick