Hey, Patrick. Chin up. It's another day, the first of many days filled with hope and opportunity to start again. For as long as the desire is strong in you to kick this habit, you have every chance of succeeding.
For me, it was easy NOT to MO or PMO at the beginning because I had NO libido. I was so deep in Flatline that the urge to look at porn or even touch myself didn't even register. Now, my libido is coming back, not yet at full and normal strength, but definitely coming back. The more evidence I see and feel of my libido returning, the less inclined I am to seek out porn or masturbate. What I do is hold out for the real thing instead.
My first sexual experience after starting my reboot was one I paid for, by booking a one hour appointment with the hottest male masseur I could find, who would be more than willing to give me a happy ending. Found him! That I paid for him, so what?! He served my purpose and for the purposes of rebooting, that's all that mattered. Since that encounter with the masseur, I've managed to set up fuck-dates from a small but willing list of fuckbuddies.
For as long as you keep your sexual activities safe and sane, I don't think there's anything harmful with setting up fuck dates, to soften feelings of fear and loneliness. And definitely, having someone to fuck, will leave you less inclined to MO or PMO.
I told one our newest pink members, lapdog, about your tiara. Girl, wear it with pride and fierceness so we can all see it! I think you'd look ravishing as well in an all black tutu with gold brocade and sequins, and pink satin pointe shoes, a la Black Swan in Swan Lake. But don't copy Natalie Portman's campy tutu and makeup! We don't want this to look trashy now.
Seriously, Patrick, I can understand your feelings of sadness and loneliness and despair. Go ahead and wallow, you're allowed especially when you're in mourning. And keep finding those angels who are everywhere, wherever you turn. You just have to be willing to see them.
Much love.