Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot

[heybud]

Hey Patrick, I am new on here (day 4 or something) and I just wanted to say that what you have accomplished so far is incredibly admirable! Congratulations on all your past achievements and also on your 8th day. To me that spells huge success!

 

[marsturm]

Thanks for the encouragement, guys, day 15:

I'm doing good. This time I want to make it to 90 days. And beyond. It's funny how my mind tries to trick me into believing that "one more time won't hurt." Oh yeah, it will. My MW is coming back, and I'm not touching myself. The next time I have an O I want it to be with a real man not using my hands. Stay strong, guys.

 

[Leon]

Thanks for the encouragement, guys, day 15:

I'm doing good. This time I want to make it to 90 days. And beyond. It's funny how my mind tries to trick me into believing that "one more time won't hurt." Oh yeah, it will. My MW is coming back, and I'm not touching myself. The next time I have an O I want it to be with a real man not using my hands. Stay strong, guys.

Congratulations, Patrick! I'm proud of you. I read a post, think it was by 'Super Sonic', but yeah he constantly warned to not give in to the lie of 'one more time'.

You can do it, and you are doing it.

Stay strong, Patrick. 

 

[marsturm]

Hi guys, day 32:
I feel good and strong. Just had some urges but could let them go. I want to make it to 60, and then 90 days this time. It's now or never. Great that you're here with me. Stay strong, brothers.

 

[Leon]

Good job, Patrick!

Keep going, you're making important changes in your life.

 

[marsturm]

I'm still rolling, wish me luck. Happy porn-free weekend everybody!

 

[Leon]

Great job on rolling on, lol...

You can do this, Patrick. And we're here right along with you.

 

[Phase2]

Hi Patrick. I sure wish I could help you get through this. You were my first accountability partner, and by now I'd expect you to have this by the throat. I know you can do it. It can be done! 60 days is the hard part and you made it that far once. Just do it again, man. Do whatever it takes. NO compromise. Break through. No more fucking porn! Next time I log on, I expect you to be writing proud, awesome diary posts about your amazing success.

 

[Leon]

You certainly have it in you, Patrick- the strength and the resilience. It's all science, as well as a little will power. Find ways to trick your brain onto new neural pathways, while desensitizing the old.

But no matter what, no matter how many times you may fall, always, ALWAYS get back up! It's not about a fear of relapsing, but a determination to defeat this learned addiction. What has been learned can be unlearned.

And you're the man to do it.

 

[Feetfirst]

Hey Patrick. Long time! Good to see you are still here and thriving.. congratulations. This is an amazing journey we are on and in many ways we are blessed. We are blessed with each other. We are even blessed with this addiction which gives us such opportunity to discover ourselves. We are blessed with life. Hope your weekend was good. Keep up the good work. FF

 

[marsturm]

After almost 39 days I relapsed. I'm back on the horse, stronger than ever and LOVING MYSELF. I believe that my consciousness will finally rise to let this addiction go forever. Until then, I'm happy that I'm willing to let it go. Even if this means that I'll have to wait a while, I'm grateful that I just spent little more than an hour on acting out. I can feel that it's not really important to me, and I can't let go yet. Stay strong, my friends, I love you all. All is well and life is good. Thanks for your kind posts.

 

[Leon]

Wow, Patrick. 39 days is a pretty good run, and definitely counts in your rebooting efforts, and toward greater recovery.

I'm glad and proud that you're moving closer to your personal best, and toward changing this behavior once and for all. I'm also very encouraged as to your attitude toward this lapse, not being one of defeat, but of looking forward to greater and greater change.

Be strong, you have it in you to beat this thing and replace it with better habits.

Blessings.

 

[marsturm]

Thanks, Leon, this means a lot to me. You're a good man and I'm so grateful for your support. I now know that my belief that I cannot stop once I've been triggered is a d*mn lie. Blessings to you, and much love. We're beautiful and loved.

 

[Leon]

Thanks, Leon, this means a lot to me. You're a good man and I'm so grateful for your support. I now know that my belief that I cannot stop once I've been triggered is a d*mn lie. Blessings to you, and much love. We're beautiful and loved.

You're so welcome, Patrick. Thank you also for the kind words.

Exactly! Being triggered means that urges will come, but it doesn't mean that we lose all self-control or that human will takes a backseat. We can still make a choice.

?Between stimulus [cue or trigger] and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.? ~ Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

Sure, according to how our neural pathways are currently 'grooved', we may set off a chain of behaviors- but even if we're starting to respond, we can at any moment stop ourselves, remind ourselves of what's important to us, or somehow disrupt the behavior. Do this enough times (as you've been doing for over 30 days), and eventually we'll change our neural responses, and our triggers will eventually change as well.

 

[marsturm]

Chaser effect got me. Gnnn!!!

 

[Leon]

Chaser effect got me. Gnnn!!!

Don't let it get you down, Patrick. This too will pass, and you'll be back on track. Just focus on all the reasons why you want to get this stuff out of your life.

I'm with you, man.

 

[marsturm]

Thanks, Leon, and to everyone supporting me. It's July 1st and I have this nagging feeling that this is my second chance to stay away from PMO. For good. I know that it's about letting your urges go. I PRAY that my consciousness will rise above "I want to PMO now." lyon03 wrote that so much sexual stimulation isn't normal. And something clicked. My sexual urges will normalise if I let them. Blessings to you all.

 

[Feetfirst]

Hey Patrick, 39 days is still good and not lost. As NGU said to me but a few days back. Its a bump in the road. Off course your head will be full of clouds but you are not the clouds. You are the expansive blue sky. Mediatate and breath out the  dark clouds of the mind on every exhale. After a while breath in light on every exhale. A very useful exercise in times like this.  Of course. Might not be your thing but I find it useful. Take care my friend FF

 

[Phase2]

Hey Patrick. Just checkin in with my old accountability partner...glad to see you are building up a good streak. I think it took me about 45 days to break out of the habit/desire to watch porn. After that I didn't think much about it anymore. So hang in there. I'm keeping tabs on you so if you reach for that porn again I'm coming after you!    I'm sure you don't want to be stuck in this rebootnation forum forever, so hold tight and lets get it done, buddy!

 

[Kurall_Creator]

Hey Patrick,

We all have bumps in the road, but it is great to see you've gone another three days without pmo!

I had a couple of bumps in week two, but when I think, in almost 4 weeks (tomorrow will be the fourth week of having told my girlfriend about my porn addiction), only 4 times, and two streaks - one of 6 days and one of 18 days, that is just amazing to me. I was never able to do that. If I had a streak before, and then I slipped, it would be months, even years before a new opportunity to have a streak again - not two streaks in the same month!!!

So, you're definitely on the right track.

A righteous man falls seven times, and gets back up!