Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot
- Thread starter marsturm
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L
Leon
Guest
Congratulations on hitting your 90 day mark, Patrick. You are rewiring your brain, you are becoming a different person not dependent on dopamine rushes.
You are in control of yourself.
You are in control of yourself.
marsturm
Active Member
It's 4:12am in Germany, and I couldn't sleep because I had to realise that I NEED to delete my profile from the gay dating site. (I just did it.) Guys, I'm so relieved. I couldn't deal with it, it was crazy. Pure poison. I started to suffer from insomnia again, and I couldn't concentrate. I had 10 dates with real men in 3 weeks, that's a record for me 
2 of them were hook ups. These guys were very young, 25 and 20, and I felt strange having sex with them, and it was wonderful at the same time. I guess it triggered a lot of dopamine in me, as young men are a P fetish of mine, and I believe that my no PMO self is strongly interested in a guy around my age. I don't know if my erections were rebooted erections or fetish erections, which probably can also happen even though it's a real person. Although I don't know how to go on finding rewiring partners, I'm just so, so happy that I'm free from the madness. I couldn't take it anymore, I was constantly obsessed with this dating site. It was crazy. A terrible P substitute. I want to feel peace again, just like I did before. I know now that wanting to find a rewiring partner can't include using dating apps for me. Even GayParship would be too much for me right now. I want to reboot without any dope surges, and I'm also thinking about letting go of watching horror flicks. At least I haven't had those terrible PMO sessions for 92 days now. Take care, guys, I'll update soon. I'm a proud member of the Nation. PS The dating was good in general, but being involved with the dating site isn't possible for me anymore. I need to find new ways to get to know rewiring partners. Porn and dating sites are not an option.
2 of them were hook ups. These guys were very young, 25 and 20, and I felt strange having sex with them, and it was wonderful at the same time. I guess it triggered a lot of dopamine in me, as young men are a P fetish of mine, and I believe that my no PMO self is strongly interested in a guy around my age. I don't know if my erections were rebooted erections or fetish erections, which probably can also happen even though it's a real person. Although I don't know how to go on finding rewiring partners, I'm just so, so happy that I'm free from the madness. I couldn't take it anymore, I was constantly obsessed with this dating site. It was crazy. A terrible P substitute. I want to feel peace again, just like I did before. I know now that wanting to find a rewiring partner can't include using dating apps for me. Even GayParship would be too much for me right now. I want to reboot without any dope surges, and I'm also thinking about letting go of watching horror flicks. At least I haven't had those terrible PMO sessions for 92 days now. Take care, guys, I'll update soon. I'm a proud member of the Nation. PS The dating was good in general, but being involved with the dating site isn't possible for me anymore. I need to find new ways to get to know rewiring partners. Porn and dating sites are not an option.
L
Leon
Guest
Good choice, Patrick. You're probably wanting real-life intimacy with another, and the best place to find that is in real-life situations- art shows, concerts, or other neutral social events. Dating sites, or the like, seem to revolve around- not real life intimacy, but around fantasy which the participants all buy into and mutually feed off of.
You're doing great.
You're doing great.
marsturm
Active Member
Hello Nation, This is my 109 days PMO free update:
I can't believe I've made it this far, but it's the truth. I had my last classic PMO session more than 3 months ago. I still own my laptop, I don't block anything, and it goes well. Porn is not an option anymore.
I have to admit though that I used dopamine surrogates like horror movies and a gay dating site. But this is over. I left the dating circus and am eager to reveal my real libido which, I guess, I've never really known. I sometimes have morning wood or after-a-nap wood, but it's unreliable. Through my rewiring I had sex three times in the last four weeks, and the first encounter gave me a semi-hard on, v e r y unreliable, and the next two times I had rather good erections but PE problems. I was relaxed about it. I trust the process.
I want to trust that the universe supplies me with rewiring mates if the time is right, and I don't want to pay the price of crazy dope highs by using the dating site. A time for rest and relaxation to let my authentic libido run the show, not PornBrain. I really liked what Phase2 wrote in one of his posts: Believing that everybody is super-horny all the time is part of my sex addiction. I've had it! I feel so unnerved that I am content just drinking a cup of tea and not worrying about sex or how much sex I'm getting. I just want peace. My partial flatline is a gift. I'm so glad and happy that I'm free of being a slave to porn (ENDLESS and TERRIBLE hour-long PMO sessions).
Take care, Nation! More to come soon.
I can't believe I've made it this far, but it's the truth. I had my last classic PMO session more than 3 months ago. I still own my laptop, I don't block anything, and it goes well. Porn is not an option anymore.
I have to admit though that I used dopamine surrogates like horror movies and a gay dating site. But this is over. I left the dating circus and am eager to reveal my real libido which, I guess, I've never really known. I sometimes have morning wood or after-a-nap wood, but it's unreliable. Through my rewiring I had sex three times in the last four weeks, and the first encounter gave me a semi-hard on, v e r y unreliable, and the next two times I had rather good erections but PE problems. I was relaxed about it. I trust the process.
I want to trust that the universe supplies me with rewiring mates if the time is right, and I don't want to pay the price of crazy dope highs by using the dating site. A time for rest and relaxation to let my authentic libido run the show, not PornBrain. I really liked what Phase2 wrote in one of his posts: Believing that everybody is super-horny all the time is part of my sex addiction. I've had it! I feel so unnerved that I am content just drinking a cup of tea and not worrying about sex or how much sex I'm getting. I just want peace. My partial flatline is a gift. I'm so glad and happy that I'm free of being a slave to porn (ENDLESS and TERRIBLE hour-long PMO sessions).
Take care, Nation! More to come soon.
L
Leon
Guest
Really, really proud of you, Patrick! You are truly an inspiration.
I like and appreciate the decisions your making about this, very smart in terms of avoiding self-harm through dopamine highs that work against us.
You are working toward being a whole and healthy person, rather than one that's off-balance. You're understanding that 'sex isn't everything', certainly not the false fantasy induced crap that robs us of who we really are.
Keep going, and keep us all posted.
I like and appreciate the decisions your making about this, very smart in terms of avoiding self-harm through dopamine highs that work against us.
You are working toward being a whole and healthy person, rather than one that's off-balance. You're understanding that 'sex isn't everything', certainly not the false fantasy induced crap that robs us of who we really are.
Keep going, and keep us all posted.
marsturm
Active Member
117 days PMO free:
Hello Nation, I had this amazing insight this morning that I'd like to share with you. For years and years I tried to become a better person by reading self-help books, going to therapy, being a better human being in general, etc. When I realised that it's more useful not to stress myself out on ANY level, I became very prone to being super-relaxed and (in hindsight annoyingly) serene with my life and other people. Maybe there was even a hint of superior arrogance for being so much "at ease" with anything that life threw at me while other people didn't seem to get it and walk around like me.
Now this morning I could see that it's not about NOT being angry, off kilter, in a low mood, etc. THAT'S JUST LIFE! It hit me hard that I can't control my experience. It's not about what I feel or think but how I react to it. It's fine to be depressed, in a low mood, angry or desperate. It's harmless! My serenity comes from letting my experience be what it is, not from controlling it. This is soooo relieving. I'm human, yay!! Who would have thought? I could be serene, or I couldn't. I could be charming, or I couldn't. I could be understanding, or I couldn't. It doesn't take away from the fact that I'm wonderful!
When I think about it, I'm much more at ease with mankind because I can let them be as well. Everybody's moody from time to time, everybody's a genius once in a while. But the struggle to be always perfect kills your humanity.
Have a great (imperfect) day, guys.
Hello Nation, I had this amazing insight this morning that I'd like to share with you. For years and years I tried to become a better person by reading self-help books, going to therapy, being a better human being in general, etc. When I realised that it's more useful not to stress myself out on ANY level, I became very prone to being super-relaxed and (in hindsight annoyingly) serene with my life and other people. Maybe there was even a hint of superior arrogance for being so much "at ease" with anything that life threw at me while other people didn't seem to get it and walk around like me.
Now this morning I could see that it's not about NOT being angry, off kilter, in a low mood, etc. THAT'S JUST LIFE! It hit me hard that I can't control my experience. It's not about what I feel or think but how I react to it. It's fine to be depressed, in a low mood, angry or desperate. It's harmless! My serenity comes from letting my experience be what it is, not from controlling it. This is soooo relieving. I'm human, yay!! Who would have thought? I could be serene, or I couldn't. I could be charming, or I couldn't. I could be understanding, or I couldn't. It doesn't take away from the fact that I'm wonderful!
When I think about it, I'm much more at ease with mankind because I can let them be as well. Everybody's moody from time to time, everybody's a genius once in a while. But the struggle to be always perfect kills your humanity.
Have a great (imperfect) day, guys.
Very well said Patrick!!!! It's completely natural to have all these feelings. We all do. It's learning that reacting to them is what usually harms us instead of just observing them , watching them, and responding to them as vibrational resonances we all have. If you haven't read The Presnce Process by Michael Brown I'd highly recommend it. It pretty much explains things exactly as your "epiphany" did to you, and goes even deeper into it.
marsturm
Active Member
125 days PMO free, still a slave to dope surrogates (dating sites):
Hello Nation, I'm happy to say that I've been free for more than 4 months from my classic PMO sessions (endless hours of porn, edging, orgasm), and yesterday I fell once more into the dating site dope trap. I had been seeing this young guy twice for sex, and we were planning to meet again when I realised that I can be pornified even when I'm with a real person; I guess he triggered porn pathways because he was so young.
So finally I decided this morning to cut all ties and give my brain a chance to completely reboot. Rewiring is off the table for the moment. I'm not willing to pay any price and put my recovery on the line. It feels good to know that the next few months can be a peaceful, restful time where I can find out about my genuine sexuality. I'm looking forward to it.
Cheers, Nation, have a great day!
Hello Nation, I'm happy to say that I've been free for more than 4 months from my classic PMO sessions (endless hours of porn, edging, orgasm), and yesterday I fell once more into the dating site dope trap. I had been seeing this young guy twice for sex, and we were planning to meet again when I realised that I can be pornified even when I'm with a real person; I guess he triggered porn pathways because he was so young.
So finally I decided this morning to cut all ties and give my brain a chance to completely reboot. Rewiring is off the table for the moment. I'm not willing to pay any price and put my recovery on the line. It feels good to know that the next few months can be a peaceful, restful time where I can find out about my genuine sexuality. I'm looking forward to it.
Cheers, Nation, have a great day!
Phase2
Well-Known Member
I think that's a smart move Patrick. Those dating sites were negative energy for me and I think they are much more closely related to 'traditional' porn than we think. Let me know how it goes. I gave mine up many weeks ago and after a couple days the urge to click the app open faded. So hang in there!
I
ianmac
Guest
Congratulations on your progress, Patrick. 130 days is amazing.
I can relate to objectifying young men. It's a big part (maybe biggest part) of my battle. I know that it's not real. Actual love is far better than sex projected as love.
Ian
I can relate to objectifying young men. It's a big part (maybe biggest part) of my battle. I know that it's not real. Actual love is far better than sex projected as love.
Ian
marsturm
Active Member
134 days PMO free:
Hello Nation, The days are accumulating, which I'm grateful for. There was a definite setback through the dating site, it's a highly explosive gateway to P flashbacks, triggers, and a renewal of withdrawal symptoms (in my case irritability, insomnia, anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, overall pain in my body, back pains, headaches, sadness, feelings of hopelessness, mourning, worrying, a general feeling of weakness and exhaustion [like a plug has been pulled], suddenly feeling unattractive, and unexpected bouts of crying.) Phew! Oh, I forgot that I'm flatlining again All because I flashed myself with dope. No P, but surrogates, that was enough. Gnnn.
I've decided to not see any of the hook ups anymore, and I'm cutting out M. Hopefully no strings attached and a clean slate. The biggest help for me are the pieces of advice given on yourbrainonporn.com, the posts from you guys, and faith in the cosmos - trusting that it will supply me with everything I need without paying a price for it. I'm not paying a price for love and happiness.
Dope triggers are off the table. Stay strong, guys, let's support each other by staying clean.
Hello Nation, The days are accumulating, which I'm grateful for. There was a definite setback through the dating site, it's a highly explosive gateway to P flashbacks, triggers, and a renewal of withdrawal symptoms (in my case irritability, insomnia, anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, overall pain in my body, back pains, headaches, sadness, feelings of hopelessness, mourning, worrying, a general feeling of weakness and exhaustion [like a plug has been pulled], suddenly feeling unattractive, and unexpected bouts of crying.) Phew! Oh, I forgot that I'm flatlining again
All because I flashed myself with dope. No P, but surrogates, that was enough. Gnnn.I've decided to not see any of the hook ups anymore, and I'm cutting out M. Hopefully no strings attached and a clean slate. The biggest help for me are the pieces of advice given on yourbrainonporn.com, the posts from you guys, and faith in the cosmos - trusting that it will supply me with everything I need without paying a price for it. I'm not paying a price for love and happiness.
Dope triggers are off the table. Stay strong, guys, let's support each other by staying clean.
avesraggiana
Member
Hi, Patrick!
My withdrawal symptoms have never been as difficult as yours, but Flatlining is definitely back. Grrrrr....
I?m doing as you?re doing, and that is abstaining from all dating and hookup sites, and abstaining from sexual contact and masturbation. Indefinitely.
I thought I was out of the woods with this PIED stuff earlier this year, but it?s become apparent of late that I?m not.
Good Luck to us all!
My withdrawal symptoms have never been as difficult as yours, but Flatlining is definitely back. Grrrrr....
I?m doing as you?re doing, and that is abstaining from all dating and hookup sites, and abstaining from sexual contact and masturbation. Indefinitely.
I thought I was out of the woods with this PIED stuff earlier this year, but it?s become apparent of late that I?m not.
Good Luck to us all!
Poker
Active Member
Patrick said:134 days PMO free:
Hello Nation, The days are accumulating, which I'm grateful for. There was a definite setback through the dating site, it's a highly explosive gateway to P flashbacks, triggers, and a renewal of withdrawal symptoms (in my case irritability, insomnia, anger, depression, suicidal thoughts, overall pain in my body, back pains, headaches, sadness, feelings of hopelessness, mourning, worrying, a general feeling of weakness and exhaustion [like a plug has been pulled], suddenly feeling unattractive, and unexpected bouts of crying.) Phew! Oh, I forgot that I'm flatlining again
I've decided to not see any of the hook ups anymore, and I'm cutting out M. Hopefully no strings attached and a clean slate. The biggest help for me are the pieces of advice given on yourbrainonporn.com, the posts from you guys, and faith in the cosmos - trusting that it will supply me with everything I need without paying a price for it. I'm not paying a price for love and happiness.
Dope triggers are off the table. Stay strong, guys, let's support each other by staying clean.
Patrick.... I also just fell back into dating site hell.... This hits home.
I am grateful for your progress. I remember when you joined. Been routing for you for a long time.\
Cheers!
p.
marsturm
Active Member
Hi guys, Today I'd like to share my sexual boundary plan with you (suggested by Robert Weiss in "Cruise Control"). If you have any further suggestions or comments, please feel free to chime in:
My goals
1. I never again want to feel sleazy, fearful, and shameful about my sexuality.
2. I never want to lie again.
3. I never want to feel like a zombie again.
4. I want to find a job where I'm employed (at least 20 hrs/week)
5. I want to find a flat of my own
6. I don't want to risk my professional license.
7. I want to date and find a long-term partner.
8. I never want to worry about an STD again.
My Inner Boundaries
1. No online porn, magazines, or watching porn in saunas or on DVD
2. No masturbating or edging
3. No prolonged sex/porn fantasies that can lead to edging
4. No prolonged staring (2 second rule)
5. No stalking-like "flirting" or cruising
6. No searching for or looking at porn subs (pictures/videos)
7. No replying to old FB's
8. No unsafe sex (using a condom for anal sex, no cumming in mouth)
9. No sex with someone unless I know him for at least 2 weeks
10. No sex with a man without knowing his first and last name
11. No planetromeo, Grindr, or Scruff
12. No sex with a man that I would not introduce to my family or friends
My Middle Boundaries (Warning Signs)
1. Becoming depressive and thinking about acting out
2. Getting into a sex-trance
3. Too much worrying or comparing myself leading to obsessive thoughts
4. Obsessing about my looks, dick, weight, age, and appearances
5. Becoming angry at gay men that I deem unattractive
6. Isolating and shaming myself and others
7. Getting angry at anybody
8. Obsessing about past "mistakes" I made/feeling like "the idiot"
My Outer Boundaries (Rewards and Maintenance Steps)
1. Looking for a job (employment)/lovingly caring for my business
2. Looking for a flat of my own
3. Go to my gay choir even when I'm fed up sometimes
4. Keep my fitness and fasting routine
5. Being generally serene and friendly/optimistic, letting Mind lead the way
6. Delegating if it is too much/heavy
7. See friends and family
8. Open the door to dating without paying a price for love (e.g. not going to gay bars where people smoke)
9. Keep my head up high/good posture
10. Let go of grudges
Thanks for reading, guys. I'm going to revise this plan as needed.
My goals
1. I never again want to feel sleazy, fearful, and shameful about my sexuality.
2. I never want to lie again.
3. I never want to feel like a zombie again.
4. I want to find a job where I'm employed (at least 20 hrs/week)
5. I want to find a flat of my own
6. I don't want to risk my professional license.
7. I want to date and find a long-term partner.
8. I never want to worry about an STD again.
My Inner Boundaries
1. No online porn, magazines, or watching porn in saunas or on DVD
2. No masturbating or edging
3. No prolonged sex/porn fantasies that can lead to edging
4. No prolonged staring (2 second rule)
5. No stalking-like "flirting" or cruising
6. No searching for or looking at porn subs (pictures/videos)
7. No replying to old FB's
8. No unsafe sex (using a condom for anal sex, no cumming in mouth)
9. No sex with someone unless I know him for at least 2 weeks
10. No sex with a man without knowing his first and last name
11. No planetromeo, Grindr, or Scruff
12. No sex with a man that I would not introduce to my family or friends
My Middle Boundaries (Warning Signs)
1. Becoming depressive and thinking about acting out
2. Getting into a sex-trance
3. Too much worrying or comparing myself leading to obsessive thoughts
4. Obsessing about my looks, dick, weight, age, and appearances
5. Becoming angry at gay men that I deem unattractive
6. Isolating and shaming myself and others
7. Getting angry at anybody
8. Obsessing about past "mistakes" I made/feeling like "the idiot"
My Outer Boundaries (Rewards and Maintenance Steps)
1. Looking for a job (employment)/lovingly caring for my business
2. Looking for a flat of my own
3. Go to my gay choir even when I'm fed up sometimes
4. Keep my fitness and fasting routine
5. Being generally serene and friendly/optimistic, letting Mind lead the way
6. Delegating if it is too much/heavy
7. See friends and family
8. Open the door to dating without paying a price for love (e.g. not going to gay bars where people smoke)
9. Keep my head up high/good posture
10. Let go of grudges
Thanks for reading, guys. I'm going to revise this plan as needed.
L
Leon
Guest
This was an awesome read, Patrick. Most of these things listed here would keep one heading toward recovery, and a healthier life.
I would question about the 9th inner boundary, about not having sex with someone until you 'know' him for at least 2 hours.
Sex is a gift that you give/receive from that place of intimacy. How well do we know someone, even after 2 years? I think that the amount of time (the minimum) is way too short for how long we're introduced to someone. This may be a hook-up scenario?
I was reminded of how certain women used to speak, like they wouldn't have sex with a guy on the first date (within the first day), because they didn't want him to think that she was that kind of girl. I know this may sound antiquated, but there may be a wisdom in answering some of the other questions that you listed about a potential partner, that could not be answerable within a 2-hour time span.
Excellent list, otherwise.
I would question about the 9th inner boundary, about not having sex with someone until you 'know' him for at least 2 hours.
Sex is a gift that you give/receive from that place of intimacy. How well do we know someone, even after 2 years? I think that the amount of time (the minimum) is way too short for how long we're introduced to someone. This may be a hook-up scenario?
I was reminded of how certain women used to speak, like they wouldn't have sex with a guy on the first date (within the first day), because they didn't want him to think that she was that kind of girl. I know this may sound antiquated, but there may be a wisdom in answering some of the other questions that you listed about a potential partner, that could not be answerable within a 2-hour time span.
Excellent list, otherwise.
avesraggiana
Member
Hi, Patrick!
You?ve inspired me to get Robert Weiss? book. Thank you so much.
You?ve inspired me to get Robert Weiss? book. Thank you so much.
marsturm
Active Member
Hey Leon, Thanks for your considerate and very appropriate answer, I had the same feeling when I wrote the list, so this is an excellent point you made. The timespan just didn't feel right and very much like hooking up. I've decided to change it from "2 hours" to "2 weeks". If I still feel that this is my addicted self talking, I'll change it to "2 months" or so. Cheers! Let's keep on trucking. Good luck, my friend.
@aversraggiana: I'm glad I inspired you Please also read "The Serenity Principle" by Joseph Bailey.
@aversraggiana: I'm glad I inspired you
Please also read "The Serenity Principle" by Joseph Bailey.