Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot

[BlueSun]

I'm new to this, don't have a log of wisdom to share except that having people in my life as accountability partners helps.  And writing down the long list of symptoms I've experienced.  And the kind of person I'm trying to become.  I keep the lists with me.

 

[BlueSun]

You know, Patrick, 8 months clean in between the last PMO is like a 1000% reduction from the daily dose we've all been hooked on.  It an inspiration. I'm looking at 8 days going... Here it comes.... Day 9.

You're showing us an excellent example. I know you and I have messaged since your last post, but I needed to just say take it easy on yourself.  And thank you for the recommendation. 

Keep posting, don't quit quitting!

 

[marsturm]

Hey guys, how are you? After my 8 months streak I managed to go for another 2 until I relapsed yesterday. It sure feels strange to realise how bad you can feel after a relapse. I've had a wonderful insight though: My thoughts are harmless. I used to believe that having weird P thoughts would inevitably lead to a relapse, sooner or later. I don't think this is true anymore.

When I look at my life and how my thinking has affected me because I thought my thinking and its content were relevant, I can see that I got into a lot of trouble many times because of that. Just imagine: How would your life change if you saw, really saw, that your thinking is harmless? For me, it means freedom, ease, and happiness. I'm not scared of my thoughts anymore. What a relief!

A spiritual teacher that I love, Dicken Bettinger, likened our thinking to squawking geese flying through the sky of our minds. Now the sky isn't angry that they're there, nor is it concerned about them. If we develop an impersonal stance towards our thinking, we are free.

Or imagine your thoughts coming to you in a foreign language, say Chinese. What relevance would they have? You wouldn't be dragged down by them and could live your life happy and carefree.

I wish you all a happy, porn-free day full of love and understanding.

 

[Feetfirst]

Hey Patrick, sorry to hear of your relapse. Good to see you are keeping connected to your insight. "I am not my thoughts. My thoughts are harmless." I think I would have to add the proviso.. they are harmless so long as I don't act on them. When we do act on them then they were the seed of an action. If it was a negative action then that would be harmful. But yes in and of themselves they are harmless. I am all consumed with my own thought at the moment. Aint doing me any good at all.
Be well my friend. FF

 

[Jon64]

Good luck Patrick. Keep fighting and never quit.  You did it once and you can do it again. You know the blueprint and we will all be pulling for you.  Thank you for all the help that you've given some of us on here.

 

[Leon]

Well done, Patrick.

You're doing it. Never mind the lapses, as you're practicing and experiencing what it's like to be free- free from the cage that we once believed our thoughts to be.

As in practicing anything, you're getting the hang of this thing.

Enjoy your life, and enjoy your day.

You are loved.

 

[BlueSun]

Stand up, face forward and keep on a truckin!!!

 

[marsturm]

Hey guys, I've been on a constant no-PMO streak for almost 4 months now and managed to go halfway to my goal of beating my previous streak of 8 months. Still hanging in there with huge motivation. It's been a good time with some ups and downs, but overall very satisfying. No-PMO makes me feel good and happy.

2 nights ago I MO'd at night. My insight has been: Although I had strong P fantasies while M this is no comparison to a full-blown PMO session. I feel stable. But next time I want to get up as soon as possible and wait until the urges are over. I don't think I can try normal M without fantasies yet. I guess right now it's also too early for me to have a committed relationship so I'm not searching. MW comes back slowly. Good signs.

Keep on truckin' guys.

 

[marsturm]

There has been a stronger chaser effect after the MO than I thought, especially yesterday where I had strong uncomfortable urges to watch P and binge. My self-esteem was also low, and I felt lonely. I guess this means that MO with P fantasies is not good... I'm glad I didn't relapse with P though. As long as I don't have PMO sessions again, I'm good. Have a great day you all.

 

[Leon]

There has been a stronger chaser effect after the MO than I thought, especially yesterday where I had strong uncomfortable urges to watch P and binge. My self-esteem was also low, and I felt lonely. I guess this means that MO with P fantasies is not good... I'm glad I didn't relapse with P though. As long as I don't have PMO sessions again, I'm good. Have a great day you all.

Patrick, you're doing good. Do not falter, do not waiver.

All you're dealing with right now is residual junk from your lower brain (limbic system), sending you signals as if it needed that crap (yes- fantasies as crap, or even masturbation itself) to survive. Just wait out the urges, non-judgmentally. Stay calm, and just breathe through them.

You're no more worse having done the m/o session than before. Don't bother with terms like "chaser effect", etc, that only gives more life to this thing than it deserves. Pay no attention to it, that's all. If urges come, let them wash over you like incoming/outgoing waves. They'll dissipate, and you'll simply calm back down to your natural equanimous state.

You're in control, Patrick. You're already changing your life. My advice would be, treat M the same as you would PMO- I'm glad that you only MO'd, but one could lead to the other. Above all, though- Don't make this thing more bigger or important than it is- it's only bad habits that are on their way out- you got this!!!

 

[laalee]

Hi Patrick,
and other posters i found porn nation a few months back and am in reboot.  I must say to you Thank you for this journal and your posts on ups and downs it has been amazing for me to read as a Gay 45yo m i relate to so much as i am sure others do.

I have posted a few times on here and trying to get support but for some reason i do not get replies. I am in Australia.
I am also in a 12 step program now 6 years for sex and love Addiction but it has been up and down not really getting sober
and resenting sponcers and members at times.  I have had the longest sobriety being on here and learning the actual facts.

My first experience of sex was when i was sexually abused at 11 by an older cousin who said "don't tell anyone" and i now know that i have carried this in to adult hood.  I always have felt shame and disgust with self with the men i have met.  Most of the men were like someone else posted,  "As a gay man we know where these places are", i wanted love, affection but never found it, i don't understand why as Gay men we do not try and change this. Obviously it is all we know in every country. I thought i was alone and a minority by doing these places. I have tried to date but it always ends up in sex  or i don't feel worthy if i do not perform it feels like i am obliged to do the deed. Once again thank you for your openness.  I hope you can reply and also others.

 

[marsturm]

Hi everybody, so I managed to beat my longest streak of 241 days (8 months roughly) for the first time. No PMO session. None. I'm super glad. Struggling with P fantasies and a few MO sessions with fantasies. MW comes and goes, libido still rather non-existent, but overall I feel good. Not so depressed anymore. Patience. Patience. Hooked up with a guy a few weeks ago and wasn't really into him, we made out but I rarely had the feeling I really wanted to have sex with him (never occurred anyway).

I'm truckin' on. Thanks for reading.

 

[Leon]

Congratulations, Patrick.

You're an inspiration.

 

[BlueSun]

Patrick. I started or re started my program when your numbers were in the lower digits. Now you have accumulated so much. Keep on sharing.

 

[marsturm]

I just relapsed after more than 10 months clean from P. During that time I wasn't so clean from MO with P fantasies, though. I feel a bit disappointed, and also hopeful (strangely enough). But why not?

I think it's great that I went for such a long time without P, and I don't want to be so hard on myself for relapsing.

What's new: I included watching P subs and MO'ing in my current relapse schedule. Before it was only PMO. If I can go 10 months without P, I can go without it for a lifetime! I love myself, that's very important for me. I think what has kept me clean was continually letting go of crazy P thoughts. MO'ing wasn't good for me so I will cut it out from now on and wil reset my timer if I MO or watch P subs (mainly YouTube for me), or if I PMO of course.

Keep on truckin' guys, love ya.

PS It's 10 min later now and I feel sad and lonely. Bummer. I'm sure things will look up again tomorrow. I'm going to bed now (Germany) and will be friendly to myself. Loving myself is the answer.

 

[marsturm]

Had a good night's sleep and feel much better. It's really easy, isn't it: No PMO, no P subs, no MO. Yahoo! Just for now, and now is forever. I'm going to be gentle with myself and take it step by step. Wishing you all a happy and P free day.

 

[fyg]

Hey Patrick,

I just read your last couple of posts. I think it's great that you went 10 months PMO free, too. I'd say brilliant, actually. Mate, it sounds like you know exactly what you're doing... So I'll just say, Bravo! Encore! I got real good vibes from your words, so had to post.

Cheers man.

 

[workinprogressUK]

Reads like you're making a lot of progress, Patrick. 10 months living a much happier and healthier way than you were before! So I wish you every success working within your new boundaries.

 

[marsturm]

Yesterday I MO'd with fantasies (first time after 38 days). I don't count it as a relapse and I changed my counter accordingly. I will only reset if I watch P or P subs. I don't like MO'ing but I can't seem to let it go yet. That's OK, as long as I don't fall into the P or P subs trap. Have a good one, guys.

 

[marsturm]

The most important thing for me right now is to love myself. I love myself because I am worth it. I love myself because I am a good man. I love myself because I deserve it. I love myself because I am beautiful. I love myself because I am a human being. Nothing can take away my self-worth. Even if I did something more horrendous than watch P I would still be loveable. Wishing you all the love in the world because love heals.