Patrick's Journal: A gay guy's imperfect reboot
- Thread starter marsturm
- Start date
L
Leon
Guest
Patrick said:
You're welcome, Patrick. Two-weeks may be an appropriate time (which you can expand if need be, as you said). We'd also have to depend on good old fashioned 'gut-instinct' or intuition. Sometimes someone just doesn't 'feel right', and that's not a judgment on them, but where they are in life at the moment (inwardly as well as outwardly) just may not be compatible with our present-day selves.
Like it or not, when we're with someone in that level of intimacy (sex), we kind of commingle ourselves with each other, mix with each other- they're issues intermingle with our issues, and instead of complementarity, we have a cluster-cuss.
Be well.
marsturm
Active Member
Hi Nation, Merry Christmas to you!
2015 has been a year of ups and downs for me, and overall it was fun and amazing. I still have a hard time admitting that I can't control my life, and when I can't I'm sometimes hard on myself and feel weak and stupid. So much of my energy goes into controlling and wanting to "make it happen", and then only finding that I've once again exhausted myself. It's funny that one is able to succeed through willpower and then to realise that success is random and only makes sense if we put a label on it. I believe that the Universe is much more random than I think, and that's good because I'm not chasing something that's only in my head anyway. Success comes if I let go, and I'm still learning a lot. Or at least I hope so.
Take care, guys, and stay strong because we don't need anything to make ourselves feel better or fix ourselves - we are already wonderful, mentally healthy, loveable, and perfect.
2015 has been a year of ups and downs for me, and overall it was fun and amazing. I still have a hard time admitting that I can't control my life, and when I can't I'm sometimes hard on myself and feel weak and stupid. So much of my energy goes into controlling and wanting to "make it happen", and then only finding that I've once again exhausted myself. It's funny that one is able to succeed through willpower and then to realise that success is random and only makes sense if we put a label on it. I believe that the Universe is much more random than I think, and that's good because I'm not chasing something that's only in my head anyway. Success comes if I let go, and I'm still learning a lot. Or at least I hope so.
Take care, guys, and stay strong because we don't need anything to make ourselves feel better or fix ourselves - we are already wonderful, mentally healthy, loveable, and perfect.
avesraggiana
Member
Patrick said:
AMEN. Take care, and Merry Christmas to you too, Patrick.
marsturm
Active Member
Hi guys, I'm still PMO free, and I had a slip with M. It's not worth it. It was rushed, and although the O was satisfying, I missed out on physical contact. Fortunately I didn't give in to The Big Urge to watch P. After O I had a slight chaser effect and had to re-read YBOP to get back on track. I'm super-grateful I stayed away from P. This addiction is hideous. I want to be healthy again. NoFap and NoPMO it is for me. Stay strong, brothers.
avesraggiana
Member
Patrick said:
I haven?t had to go through that pain, Patrick. Since starting my NO SEX streak about a month ago, I haven?t even had the urge to masturbate. I used to get woodies in the middle of the night or in the early morning hours, and some very nice sexual fantasies, but that?s about it. And even the woodies seem to have disappeared at this point. Continuing Flatline, I guess.
I?m glad you went no farther than M. If anything it reminded you of what your true goals are, and settling for anything short of them doesn?t satisfy you in the end. It?s a worthwhile lesson that sometimes bears repeating.
Have a great week!
L
Leon
Guest
Patrick said:
Hi, Patrick! This was just a speed-bump, a reminder as aves said. Don't allow yourself to obsess over this, or to beat yourself up about it, alright? How you treat this lapse could either be as a lesson learned, or a way back to all the things that you want to get away from- it's all in how you view this.
Think about what might have put you in that frame of mind, was it negative thoughts and feelings that were going on prior? Maybe you just woke up horny? Just learn the lesson and move on.
Proud of you, and your decisions.
I
ianmac
Guest
Great to see your progress, Patrick. I liked your list from Dec. 19. Being intentional makes a huge difference. Allowing ourselves to drift aimlessly will ultimately lead back to the old ways.
Good job not getting too caught up over M. You did what it took to get yourself back on task (re-reading YBOP).
Happy New Year! Stay free, brother.
Ian
Good job not getting too caught up over M. You did what it took to get yourself back on task (re-reading YBOP).
Happy New Year! Stay free, brother.
Ian
Phase2
Well-Known Member
Keep going patrick! A tiny slip can mean two things: the beginning of A Big Slip or a chance to catch yourself, learn, and continue with your progress. Sounds like you managed to catch yourself which is a great sign of progress and inner strength. Proud of you--stay strong!
marsturm
Active Member
Hey guys, I fell into old patterns (closed-up thinking, rushed MO at night, a few days after a 30 min PMO slip), and I'm back on the horse. One of my fine lines is "Poor me, I don't want a hook-up, and I'm not fortunate enough to have a BF, and life is a bitch, so why not PMO?", and that's what I did. I have a high motivation to stay P free because I'm still intrigued by the prospect of solid erections. To be honest, if PIED wasn't on the table I'd probably go on PMO'ing. Still, there are too many disadvantages to P, so I'm not going for it. I don't know how to be patient enough next time when there's no BF on the horizon. This really bums me out. Gnnnn. I'm thinking to create a profile on one of those sites again. On Sunday, I'll be hiking with a group of gay men. I know finding an SO can't be rushed, and I'm sooo eager to have one. I hate it when people say they found their partner through a hook-up. Take care, Nation.
T
thewhitewindow
Guest
Patrick, dude.
Your story is similar to mine. I'm gay, 38, PMO addict for 20 years. I'm on day 21, hardmode. Reading Cruse Control and following it immensely.
I had a slip where on Tumblr I saw images that was my 'go to porn', totally an accident too. Had to delete Tumblr as a result.
I cannot believe my neck pain is back, just that simple gaze into my favourite 'type' (which isn't the norm) sent my dopamine rising and now paying the price for the worst neck, head pain. It's amazing.
Keep going dude.
Your story is similar to mine. I'm gay, 38, PMO addict for 20 years. I'm on day 21, hardmode. Reading Cruse Control and following it immensely.
I had a slip where on Tumblr I saw images that was my 'go to porn', totally an accident too. Had to delete Tumblr as a result.
I cannot believe my neck pain is back, just that simple gaze into my favourite 'type' (which isn't the norm) sent my dopamine rising and now paying the price for the worst neck, head pain. It's amazing.
Keep going dude.
L
Leon
Guest
Hi, Patrick- you're not alone in your struggles.
Around the same time as yourself, I've had my own stumbles.
Our emotions are so important in relation to our ongoing struggles and recovery efforts.
Healing is for us, recovery is for us- and we need to fuel hope, we need to feed and nurture hope. It's good that you hope for love, for companionship, for a significant other. That's your dream, invest everything into it, and don't let anything or anyone (especially yourself!) talk you out of it.
I know that when I start doubting my dreams, I undercut my whole recovery effort- which isn't just about the abstinence, but about building an entirely new me, with all my dreams coming true. Recognize those moments as opportunities for the addict-brain to derail us from our goals.
It was, however, a minor setback. Get up, and go again- because, Patrick, you're worth it.
Around the same time as yourself, I've had my own stumbles.
Our emotions are so important in relation to our ongoing struggles and recovery efforts.
Healing is for us, recovery is for us- and we need to fuel hope, we need to feed and nurture hope. It's good that you hope for love, for companionship, for a significant other. That's your dream, invest everything into it, and don't let anything or anyone (especially yourself!) talk you out of it.
I know that when I start doubting my dreams, I undercut my whole recovery effort- which isn't just about the abstinence, but about building an entirely new me, with all my dreams coming true. Recognize those moments as opportunities for the addict-brain to derail us from our goals.
It was, however, a minor setback. Get up, and go again- because, Patrick, you're worth it.
Gabriel1960
Active Member
Hey Patrick
I hope I can be of some help and encouragement.
I'm new here.
Of course, I found my loving husband by avoiding PMO. I've been working on avoiding PMO for 22 years now, ever since my wife (at the time) bought me a book on avoiding PMO.
There are many great books out there on finding your soulmate! I learned that in the gay community, there is definitely an alpha/beta energy thing going. Unfortunately for the gay community, the alphas all hang out with alphas, and the betas all hang with the betas. So, not a lot of romantic relationships developing.
Have you ever considered trying to hang out with your polar opposite? The kind of man that is least like you? That's how I found my loving husband. I bumped into him at a church, of all places. He was the exact opposite of myself. Someone that I would not normally hang out with. We had nothing in common. It means hanging with the exact opposite of the type of guy that you want to hang out with.
It's worth a try.....
Gabriel
I hope I can be of some help and encouragement.
I'm new here.
Of course, I found my loving husband by avoiding PMO. I've been working on avoiding PMO for 22 years now, ever since my wife (at the time) bought me a book on avoiding PMO.
There are many great books out there on finding your soulmate! I learned that in the gay community, there is definitely an alpha/beta energy thing going. Unfortunately for the gay community, the alphas all hang out with alphas, and the betas all hang with the betas. So, not a lot of romantic relationships developing.
Have you ever considered trying to hang out with your polar opposite? The kind of man that is least like you? That's how I found my loving husband. I bumped into him at a church, of all places. He was the exact opposite of myself. Someone that I would not normally hang out with. We had nothing in common. It means hanging with the exact opposite of the type of guy that you want to hang out with.
It's worth a try.....
Gabriel
Gabriel1960
Active Member
Patrick
You can tell he's the one, when his friends have nothing at all in common with your friends.
Gabriel
You can tell he's the one, when his friends have nothing at all in common with your friends.
Gabriel
marsturm
Active Member
I keep relapsing after 8 months clean 
I don't know what has gotten into me, and it sure feels strange. It's almost as if I don't care anymore. But when I think about it, I want to quit. I hope that I can find the path I was on before again soon. Why am I doing this? The answer is probably dopamine. I'm having this "I don't care" attitude. My rationalisation is "I don't have a boyfriend and no hook-ups, so it doesn't matter what I do. I need my fun." I would like the reboot for myself, though. First, I need to forgive myself and love myself. Thanks for being here with me, guys. Your presence means a lot to me. I guess it's back on the horse now, I can't undo the past, and it does me no good if I keep relapsing. I pray that my consciousness rises again so I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't know what has gotten into me, and it sure feels strange. It's almost as if I don't care anymore. But when I think about it, I want to quit. I hope that I can find the path I was on before again soon. Why am I doing this? The answer is probably dopamine. I'm having this "I don't care" attitude. My rationalisation is "I don't have a boyfriend and no hook-ups, so it doesn't matter what I do. I need my fun." I would like the reboot for myself, though. First, I need to forgive myself and love myself. Thanks for being here with me, guys. Your presence means a lot to me. I guess it's back on the horse now, I can't undo the past, and it does me no good if I keep relapsing. I pray that my consciousness rises again so I don't want to do this anymore.
lyon03
Respected Member
Hey Patrick. This is just a quick note to write that I'm thinking of you. As Phase2 just eloquently shared on the 'successes' page, I agree that reboot has a greater meaning now than when I first started. I started this journey to get my erections back, have explosive orgasms, and (if I'm being honest) to have passionate porn-like sex. Now as I work on my porn-sub addictions (YouTube, Facebook etc), I understand my addictions are much deeper than I initially thought. Why am I sharing this? There may be another reason why you're following this pattern of relapsing every 8 months or so. For the next few days/weeks, I'd try a new approach to break the cycle. Whether you want to join a 12-step program for porn addiction (www.pornaddictsanonymous.org), go to therapy, get a sobriety buddy, or simply post here daily, I'd recommend you focus within to find what truly caused your addiction. If I've learned anything, it's that my happiness must come from within. No boyfriend, hook up, or website can make me truly happy. But if I'm happy within, I create a happy life as well. I recently read (and re-read!) a wonderful book called "The Velvet Rage" which helped me understand the root cause of my own addictions as a gay man. My point is to keep fighting by being pro-active. None of us have the golden path to recovery, but I'd recommend you keep walking my friend. And we're all walking right along side you. I hope that makes sense on some level! Be well brother. PORN AND PORN-SUBS ARE NOT AN OPTION.