78 days PMO free, gay dating site next phase, the downside of "seeking and searching, anxiety" while looking for rewiring partners:
I'm really happy that I'm at 78 days. When I bought my first computer roughly 3 years ago, I didn't know I'd be winding down Addiction Rd. I remember being super-excited that I'd be able to check out anything I wanted to watch (go figure!) Of course, The Nation or YBOP were inexistent for me. So this has been my longest streak since having access to the internet at home. Yay!
There are some things I must reconsider with the dating site: Although I believe that it is reasonable and fine to look for a rewiring partner, there are definite downsides to seeking them out on a screen. As Gary Wilson writes in Your Brain on Porn, dopamine fires up for certain emotions and stimuli. Two of these, for me, are worth looking at more closely, i.e. "anxiety" and "seeking and searching."
Seeking and searching: I know now that I must have a strict set of rules when I log on to the dating site. I must know beforehand what I want to do. Currently, my plan is as follows: I log on to the site and immediately go to my message centre. The message centre doesn't trigger dopamine in me in an unhealthy way. My goal is to have real dates with real men, not pixels. Today, I don't feel that I'm able to handle any pixel-pictures. Maybe tomorrow or so I can check who visited my profile; if there's anybody who counts as a rewiring partner, I will shoot them a message that just says "I would like to date you etc." No chatting or staying longer than I need to. The third step would be to actively seek out guys. This is the hardest for me because it strongly triggers dopamine and reminds me very much of seeking and searching novelty porn.
Anxiety: This is strongly linked to my fetish of finding young men attractive and obsessing about them. Sometimes I can't differentiate between a healthy side of my sexuality (it's OK to find younger men attractive) and an addictive side (exploitation and glorification of youth in porn). They are still very much entwined. I guess this will resolve itself the more I stay away from porn and dopamine surges.
You might ask yourself why I don't let it all go completely - no dating site, no worries. Well, there are three reasons for me to stay in this game. First, I've tried other ways of finding rewiring partners, and it's V E R Y tedious and doesn't lead anywhere. Clubs, bars, and art exhibitions just aren't my thing. Through the dating site, I've had 6 (!) real live dates within a week - very good for re-learning social skills, overcoming isolation, and having pure fun just sitting with a human being over coffee. Secondly, I don't have a BF. I guess if I had one, it would be easier to focus on him as my rewiring partner. Thirdly, I can feel that it is so, so important for me to reconnect to my natural, healthy sexuality. I'm really, really tired of missing out. I don't know for sure but I guess that straight people statistically also have a higher chance of meeting mates just by the power of numbers.
If I think of quitting the dating site, I feel that I'm relinquishing a chance to meet rewiring partners. This may change, of course, but right now this is how I will proceed. My main goal, of course, is to stay PMO free and not reinforce the neural pathways by unnecessary dopamine surges.
Take care everybody and thanks for reading. I'm a proud member of the Nation.
Take care and stay strong. Blessings.
