One day at a time.

[benhj]

Hey everyone. So yeah, I've been in quite a bad place recovery wise.  Since recently losing it after almost three months of sobriety, the obsession has just been on me virtually non-stop. Complete and utter powerlessness. Anyway, I'm ready to let that go and give it another shot. From this moment, I'm going to recommit to checking in on a daily basis. Tomorrow's a new day. Glad to be here. Thank you for all the thoughts and encouragement

 

[pinkerton]

Glad your back man

 

[afb7]

Hey benhj. How are you doing today?

If you don't mind me asking, what do you think led to the relapse? I ask as a guy who has the longest P-free streak he has ever had in his life. If you've got something to add that you think I might find helpful, it'd be much appreciated. Seeing other guys relapse is kind of a jarring thing. Makes me want to stop and reassess where I'm at.

 

[benhj]

Thanks Afb7. I guess relapse for me is about forgetting why I'm doing this so thanks for asking because it forces me to remember right now which I really need.  I'm doing this to be happy basically. Porn sucks the life out of me. I guess I forget this. I forget how bad I was the last time and think that some how this time will be different. But as a friend once told me, all it takes is a small step off the edge off the cliff before we find ourselves hitting bottom.

The itch claws at the back of my mind, I guess. And I entertain the idea, that 'hey, what could one look hurt?'. And even if its just the thought, I almost always fall off the wagon. Maybe not today or tomorrow but typically guaranteed it will happen.

Today, well, I have a little over 24 hours of sobriety. I feel great but frustrated that I have to claw back out of the hole again. Its tough but I know the merits far outweight any of the crap I've for so long known to probably not be normal, but powerlessly did it anyway because of the obsession of my dopamine-addicted brain.

I'm very glad to be here. You know it was actually quite tough coming back and admitting that I'd fucked up. I don't want to let anyone down, I guess. But then I have to remind myself that I can only do this for myself. God knows I don't want to be on my death bed one day looking back and thinking how much better I could have spent my life... Imagine if we looked back on a life of lies and bullshit. I don't want that to be me.

Very grateful for my girlfriend's patience. Glad to be here.

 

[phoenix0015]

Hi benhj,

Firstly thanks for coming back and writing posts. We need all the people here to be together to reclaim our lives. And you have not let anybody drown my friend. In fact by coming back here, you are helping in more ways than you realise. So keep coming back and keep fighting.
Yes relapse sucks. I had gone through 5 of those in last 5 days and I agree with you; it's about forgetting why we aredoing this. So may be we need to remind over selves every day about it. And just one thought, one look, one touch can ruin it for us. Yes it's like one step off the edge.
So let's turn back from this edge of cliff and you can see whole life ahead of us.

Best Of Luck...and as you said... kne day at a time... 

 

[FlyPhoenix]

One hour at a time, one thought at a time, stay strong brother, small victories are big victories in the larger scheme..

 

[benhj]

Thanks all. Checking in -- glad to be sober today. But struggling truth be told. Glad it's Friday

 

[pinkerton]

...lies and bullshit. You got it man. I hope you have a good day today.  Thanks for posting.  I'm rooting for you. And me. Take care brother

 

[afb7]

Yeah, doing this for ourselves vs other people seems like a double-edged sword: if our recovery involves other people, it adds expectations from other people (bad?), while at the same time adding situations where we feel the need to be honest (obviously good?). I like how this forum forces me to organize my thoughts, so the latter is definitely good for me. And I actually kind of like the expectations/pressure I think there is from sharing my recovery with other people. Nobody is an island, right? We've got to do this for ourselves for sure, but I think our P-use bleeds into the relationships around us, and because of that, we've got to do this recovery for the sake of other people too; be it our kids or future kids, our spouses, co-workers, someone sitting across from us in a restaurant who we might leer at.

That's my take on it. What about you?

 

[benhj]

Think you hit the nail on the head Afb7. It definitely affects the people around me, so yeah, I need to get sober for myself but I also need to be a better person round other people..

Anyway, a good sober day today. Nice bbq earlier.. grateful for the good weather.

 

[phoenix0015]

Hi benhj,

Good to know you are in good mood. Yes having someone to be accountable for helps. Afterall so much in our life is because if others. it pains me when I see how much others have invested themselves in my success, in my well being and I am screwing my own happiness and life.
So as much as I want to do it for myself, I also want to make my family and friends proud of me.

Benhj... keep it going... I like the heading of your journal  - one day at a time... that's what I keep telling myself when in difficult situation or thoughts. 

Best of luck

 

[benhj]

Thanks man, yeah, one day at a time. One hour at a time sometimes. I've had a good day today. Feeling the frustration of little sobriety but at least I'm sober. Very grateful for that and grateful to be alive. Feeling apprehensive about work tomorrow.

 

[phoenix0015]

One hour at a time... that's a good strategy.

Good that you keep counting your blessings. It helps.

Remember we are dopamine addicts so it's more important to teach our brains to get it's dopamine by right activities like success,  love and togetherness. I know it's hard to focus on these things initially. I am facing the same challenge. But keep doing them anyway.

Yesterday I realised,  because of so many years of re wiring both our body and mainly mind have become our own enemies. They fight against us. We need to free them from shakles of PMO for them to be on ohr side. Till then you are fighting against yourself only.....

best of luck...

 

[benhj]

Thanks man, yeah, I'm having to relearn these good healthy things.. I've had a good day today. Very slow at work. Not that that's a bad thing but in the quiet moments I start to have some 'good ideas' if you know what I mean.. Fortunately I didn't act on any of them! Glad to be sober.

 

[phoenix0015]

Great benhj,

Fending off cravings is progress. Happy to know that you had a good day at work. Make as many good memories without PMO and then keep revisiting them to realise how much happy you can be without PMO.
Yesterday I watch a Gabe's video in which he talked about playing musical instruments. So I think good music in any form could be a great help.

Keep it going... best of luck...Remember,  you are capable of and deserve so much happiness... all you have to do is want it from bottom of your heart and it will come to you...

 

[afb7]

I wonder if music would really help phoenix0015. I actually quit playing my guitar when I started this reboot and started doing stuff like puzzles. I do kind of miss playing some songs, although I hesitate because I get kind of obsessive with it, and the slow progress of learning something like guitar can be more stressful than fun. But after reading your message, I'll  think about it again! It does feel great to close your eyes and play and sing a song for fun.

 

[phoenix0015]

Hi benhj,

Just checking if everything is going fine. Hope you are doing well.

And Afb7, I think any constructive activity which you enjoy helps. Most important is to enjoy it. If you find it stressful then I think you should not do it.
But good music is a proven solution to create positive thoughts. It works even on plants and animals.
But it should be soothing and calm. I think guitar is a great instrument and my personal favourite.
I think we need to have all types of ammunition to fight PMO and music could be one of it if it works for you.
Below is post I think worth sharing where theunderdog says, PMO is very serious problem and we have to handle it with that seriousness.

http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

 

[benhj]

Checking in. I also really think music can help. Anyway, I have to reset. A good day otherwise. Great SAA meeting the evening. Heard some really powerful shares, especially about self-acceptance.

 

[phoenix0015]

Hi benhj,

Sorry to know that you have to reset but happy to see you in overall good mood. Self acceptance is a key to happiness.  So long you are growing into better person, it's a good thing.

Keep coming back, we all need you. Best of luck...

 

[benhj]

Thanks for the encouragement. Over the last few days I kind of felt like I hit an emotional low. Feeling grateful to have been given this gift as now in a way, the only way is up. Feeling good about that and very glad its the weekend. Grateful to be sober today.