FlyPhoenix Journal

[FlyPhoenix]

Thanks for dropping in Joe, I sometimes forget the things I've posted and have started and ended journals here and there, but I'm glad you find it useful.

I can't say I've read that book but I'm searching for the author and just saw some interesting titles I'll try order. I must say my walk with Christ has only begun and I strive to learn as much as I can that is useful in my life, things that will allow me to find peace and connect with people rather than try to criticise; a tendency I have.

One thing for sure; I been able to come this far, not by my own strength, but through God's loving hand working in changing my heart and my mind. I would not have come out of this by myself as my addiction was especially intense and resistant to any form of treatment.

I was so hooked to the combined experience of using alcohol, drugs, porn and sex with hookers that I had resigned myself to the most pitiful death. It was only when I opened my heart to Christ that I began to heal. In fact, it was only when I started to dedicate myself to drawing closer to Christ that the real growth began.

Today a manager of mine called a meeting for 14h00 but kept delaying and delaying, and I'm already the type of person who doesn't like meetings. I get easily anxious and the delay only caused more anxiety in me. By the time the meeting began at 15h00 I was already angry at her and I struggled to steady my voice, the old feeling in the belly assaulted me and I was very restless.

But when I recalled the scripture John 10:10 I felt some calm and peace enter me. I walked out a bit more stable and was able to  return to a feeling of security but I knew that I needed to share this here, which is helping. We cannot afford to believe that we can endure the negative feelings, we need to persevere and seek spiritual growth.

Counting days doesn't work, each day must bring us further from our addictive mind and closer to a healthy mind, so tonight I will attend an SAA meeting and share again. I will report to my group that I have ordered literature and exercise later then talk to my girl.

Now that I'm writing I realise the reason I've started to feel restless is that I procrastinated. I left things until after this meeting and now that I've crossed off items on my list of things to do I am feeling less stressed. I have only a couple of things to get through now, so I have more peace.

It is not about the other people in my life, but about my relationship to what I have to do while I am here in this life, the things that are important and the things that are vital. It is about my relationship to myself and others, my ability to meet my agreements with grace and do what I have promised.

I sometimes have this enormous weight on my heart and on my shoulders that I will some day be responsible for a family and: will I make it? Will I be able to hold things together emotionally and not run away.

I won't lie I get scared about this. But as my sponsor always says, these are the times we must hand all this over to God. I am thankful to have a sponsor to have this forum to have some sort of recovery and to have a meeting to attend later today.

Until later..

 

[pinkerton]

Thank you for sharing. Really.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Work is good, just struggling with productivity, trying to stay from being distracted.. It's hard. I think, I'll have 50% productivity today. It's coooooold in my city.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I'm doing a bunch of admin here at work and a lot of clicking and copying and pasting. The thought crossed my mind that it was very similar to the madness and insanity of search and clicking and opening and copying an saving porn, minus the dopamine,

I don't know what to make of this minor revelation, I suppose at the end of this there will be some positive results to show for this mundane task. With porn, the repetitive task seems exciting but in the end only leads to disappointment, that empty feeling that somehow I have been robbed, "like chicken with all its feathers plucked" as one fellow shared in a meeting.

Yeah, that's exactly how I felt after a session of PMO at 3am, like a chicken that has been plucked of its feathers and shivering in the snow with that pink goose pimply flesh exposed, ouch!!

I look at my counter and glad that I am no longer so obsessed about the one extra day that I was crediting myself near the beginning of this particular streak. The difference between 14Feb and 15Feb is shrinking and I'm just thankful to be clean today.

I'm thankful for boring admin work and for this cold-ass weather and for thermal underwear (I'm in the southern hemisphere of our lovely planet) and for green team on my desk, my cell phone next to me to keep me in touch with my girl, this laptop, this swivel chair and for the warm air blowing down my neck!

Ha! Life is good. I attended an SAA meeting last night and the topic was "Higher Power" a difficult topic and the guy who pulled it out wanted to put it back into the cup and choose another topic, but no such luck.

As it turned out a lot of people struggle with the concept of Steps 2 and 3, that a loving God is the key to recovery, at least according to the 12 Steps of addiction recovery as founded by Alcoholics Anonymous and adopted for a host of other addictions.

If over 100 fellowships can spring up as a result of the success of AA, I think there must be merit to this method; one addict helping another and the trust and faith in loving Higher Power.

Addiction is a disease of "self", self-will, selfishness, self-seeking and self-seeking. By surrendering to a loving Higher Power, we are able to experience a form of humility and relief that we don't have to suffer alone and that there is help available at any time, but the key is surrender, scary for people who are so invested in the idea self.

I liken the spiritual awakening to climbing onto a boat (not the Titanic). Yes, we know how to swim and I might even be the best swimmer in the world, but at some stage in the open seas I'll get tired. A ship might arrive, but simply because I have no idea how the ship stays afloat (especially since I am sinking) or how the ship works, I will not go onto the ship and eventually drown.

Now, I don't say the ship is any particular religion of organisation. For me the ship is a relationship with some Higher Power that is spiritual in nature.

 

[benhj]

Thanks for your share FlyPhoenix. I certainly relate to trying to do things 'myself' and failing time and time again. I used to attend an SA meeting in Orlando and every Saturday morning I'd get up at 6.30 am and cycle 12 miles to meet the guys for breakfast. We used to call it 'the proper use of will' breakfast haha. I really miss those days and the brighter climes. I once heard a guy share that "all of you in this room could group together and throw me out if you all so wish" when talking about a power greater than self. Kind of liked that. Liked that plucked chicken analogy too! I might use that at a future meeting

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Reading people's journals these days, I tend to get disappointed at the things I read, people continuing to slip. I often wonder if this will affect me and I'll slip up as well..

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I have been making out with my girlfriend, we did some "fooling around" which gave me a huge rush. Last night when logging onto my laptop at home the thought flashed through my mind to log onto some porn, scary. This is a long journey..

 

[pinkerton]

Glad to hear from you flyphoenix, sucks that the thought of P still comes across but it's awesome that you don't act on it. Keep going

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Thanks man, I realised that with my girl, instead of always trying to tease and flirt with her, which brings me great pleasure but can lead to more premature triggers, I must focus on speaking genuine words of affirmation and discuss serious matters that affect our relationship in the long term.

By remaining disciplined, we ensure that later on, if we decide to get married, we are able much stronger and able to endure temptation, despite any bad times.

As some may have read in my journal; I am Christian, having began my walk recently. While many people in our church are clearly having sex before marriage, me and my girl, so a number of very real reasons have decided that we will wait until marriage and focus on getting to know each other.

It has not been easy and temptation is always there, but I believe we can do it by focusing on the good things of God.

 

[Fox walking]

Thanks for your words. I've been focusing on having more genuine interactions with women rather than teasing/flooring as I've found it feeds the parts of me that crave PMO. Strength to you man.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I see now why sex before marriage may not be a great idea. Today is Monday. 8 days ago (Sunday) I had sex with my girlfriend for the first time after 4 months of dating. All I can say is that it was amazing, despite lingering fears of ED. We made love 7 times between then and Friday morning, when we decided that we needed to stop as it was beginning to be unmanageable and a violation of our earlier commitment to not have sex before we got married.

As I'm still living in my parents' house, that works against me a bit. Despite that we managed to do it in the lounge, the kitchen, the tv room and finally in my bedroom several times. I started to feel the heat from my parents who, didn't really know what was going on, but must have sensed something was happening.

Anyway, I had a talk with my girl and we decided to recommit to waiting. I must say, since it was so intense, the withdrawals are quite similar to the porn withdrawals, but I find comfort in the fact that I have not relapsed on porn or any other addictive behaviour. At the same time, while making love to my girl is beautiful, the risky situations where we could have been caught, are borderline addictive.

We might falter at times, and we are not perfect, but I wish to preserve our honour and do things right, for a long term commitment.

Until later..

 

[FlyPhoenix]

My sponsor told me the other day that a woman can either build you up or destroy you and then he pointed me to the following story. I have been having some difficulties with my girl, but I feel that she is trying to build me up, although she sometimes makes mistakes, her heart is in the right place. I exploded with anger this week when she did something I found deeply disrespectful. But I have come out of it wiser and without relapsing, although I failed to meet a commitment I had made to serve in church this morning, which I will make up next week. Still, this is proof that my programme of recovery is working. More importantly God's hand is working in my life, I am blessed beyond measure, so I continue to work out the areas that need attention; this such as arrogance, gossiping, anger and vengeance, laziness, lust and fear of commitment. I strive to stay focused on my goals and my dreams, but take time to relax and nurture myself as I serve others where I can.

Judges 16 King James Version (KJV)

16 Then went Samson to Gaza, and saw there an harlot, and went in unto her.

2 And it was told the Gazites, saying, Samson is come hither. And they compassed him in, and laid wait for him all night in the gate of the city, and were quiet all the night, saying, In the morning, when it is day, we shall kill him.

3 And Samson lay till midnight, and arose at midnight, and took the doors of the gate of the city, and the two posts, and went away with them, bar and all, and put them upon his shoulders, and carried them up to the top of an hill that is before Hebron.

4 And it came to pass afterward, that he loved a woman in the valley of Sorek, whose name was Delilah.

5 And the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and said unto her, Entice him, and see wherein his great strength lieth, and by what means we may prevail against him, that we may bind him to afflict him; and we will give thee every one of us eleven hundred pieces of silver.

6 And Delilah said to Samson, Tell me, I pray thee, wherein thy great strength lieth, and wherewith thou mightest be bound to afflict thee.

7 And Samson said unto her, If they bind me with seven green withs that were never dried, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

8 Then the lords of the Philistines brought up to her seven green withs which had not been dried, and she bound him with them.

9 Now there were men lying in wait, abiding with her in the chamber. And she said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he brake the withs, as a thread of tow is broken when it toucheth the fire. So his strength was not known.

10 And Delilah said unto Samson, Behold, thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: now tell me, I pray thee, wherewith thou mightest be bound.

11 And he said unto her, If they bind me fast with new ropes that never were occupied, then shall I be weak, and be as another man.

12 Delilah therefore took new ropes, and bound him therewith, and said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And there were liers in wait abiding in the chamber. And he brake them from off his arms like a thread.

13 And Delilah said unto Samson, Hitherto thou hast mocked me, and told me lies: tell me wherewith thou mightest be bound. And he said unto her, If thou weavest the seven locks of my head with the web.

14 And she fastened it with the pin, and said unto him, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awaked out of his sleep, and went away with the pin of the beam, and with the web.

15 And she said unto him, How canst thou say, I love thee, when thine heart is not with me? thou hast mocked me these three times, and hast not told me wherein thy great strength lieth.

16 And it came to pass, when she pressed him daily with her words, and urged him, so that his soul was vexed unto death;

17 That he told her all his heart, and said unto her, There hath not come a razor upon mine head; for I have been a Nazarite unto God from my mother's womb: if I be shaven, then my strength will go from me, and I shall become weak, and be like any other man.

18 And when Delilah saw that he had told her all his heart, she sent and called for the lords of the Philistines, saying, Come up this once, for he hath shewed me all his heart. Then the lords of the Philistines came up unto her, and brought money in their hand.

19 And she made him sleep upon her knees; and she called for a man, and she caused him to shave off the seven locks of his head; and she began to afflict him, and his strength went from him.

20 And she said, The Philistines be upon thee, Samson. And he awoke out of his sleep, and said, I will go out as at other times before, and shake myself. And he wist not that the Lord was departed from him.

21 But the Philistines took him, and put out his eyes, and brought him down to Gaza, and bound him with fetters of brass; and he did grind in the prison house.

22 Howbeit the hair of his head began to grow again after he was shaven.

23 Then the lords of the Philistines gathered them together for to offer a great sacrifice unto Dagon their god, and to rejoice: for they said, Our god hath delivered Samson our enemy into our hand.

24 And when the people saw him, they praised their god: for they said, Our god hath delivered into our hands our enemy, and the destroyer of our country, which slew many of us.

25 And it came to pass, when their hearts were merry, that they said, Call for Samson, that he may make us sport. And they called for Samson out of the prison house; and he made them sport: and they set him between the pillars.

26 And Samson said unto the lad that held him by the hand, Suffer me that I may feel the pillars whereupon the house standeth, that I may lean upon them.

27 Now the house was full of men and women; and all the lords of the Philistines were there; and there were upon the roof about three thousand men and women, that beheld while Samson made sport.

28 And Samson called unto the Lord, and said, O Lord God, remember me, I pray thee, and strengthen me, I pray thee, only this once, O God, that I may be at once avenged of the Philistines for my two eyes.

29 And Samson took hold of the two middle pillars upon which the house stood, and on which it was borne up, of the one with his right hand, and of the other with his left.

30 And Samson said, Let me die with the Philistines. And he bowed himself with all his might; and the house fell upon the lords, and upon all the people that were therein. So the dead which he slew at his death were more than they which he slew in his life.

31 Then his brethren and all the house of his father came down, and took him, and brought him up, and buried him between Zorah and Eshtaol in the burying place of Manoah his father. And he judged Israel twenty years.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Some of us only need a change of heart to recover. Some of us just need to share on this forum once or twice a week and will succeed. Some of us need to also talk to a therapist, others need to combine these efforts with recovery group meetings, and others need to also work with a sponsors.

Yet, still, others need to take all these efforts as well as entering into a recovery centre due to the unmanageability of the disease.

It all depends on a few things, 1. How tired am I of the consequences of my addiction? 2. How determined am I to stop? 3. Do I desire the benefits of abstinence from addictive sexual behaviour?

I suspect some people need a more rigorous program, but feel they can succeed using a basic program. The effort we gave to our active addiction might need to be matched or even exceeded by the effort we make in recovering.

 

[Fox walking]

I've been working with fear and anxiety lately too. They are difficult emotions. I don't have any genius tactics, but I've found trying to open to them and understand the fear had helped. Also trying to channel the energy that comes from fear/anxiety into activities that actually help me deal with the situation.

Strength to you!

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I've been working with fear and anxiety lately too. They are difficult emotions. I don't have any genius tactics, but I've found trying to open to them and understand the fear had helped. Also trying to channel the energy that comes from fear/anxiety into activities that actually help me deal with the situation.

Strength to you!

I remember someone in AA share that all fears boil down to two things; finance and romance. When these things are threatened in any way we go into fear; they speak to our very survival and so much of our lives are linked to money and sex.

We will defend these things to the death and anything that shows even a hint of affecting these things can throw us into deep depression and fear.

Well done on your milestone Fox, it gets better after a month and a lot easier to hold back temptation. Be well bro..

 

[FlyPhoenix]

Life is good, some few fears, resentments and at times dishonesty. But I have reached a point where I have memorised the structure of my Step 4 exercise (from the Big Book of AA, a powerful tool for all addiction and life in general) and, when I need to, apply it to upsets and difficulties.

Things sometimes get heavy, but I must say the single most powerful tool for beating all my various addictions has been my growing relationship with God. I'm reading a book by a guy called Marco Broccardo and I can relate to so much that he shares about in the book that I am reminded of the goodness of God pulling me out of the dark, painful world of drugs and obsessively pursuing deviant sexual experiences.

I did things I am deeply ashamed of, but miraculously I do not feel the shame in the core of my being, not even when I am sitting with my girl or making love to her. Does this mean I am callous and uncaring about what I have done? I don't think so. I think I have allowed myself to draw closer to God and be forgiven, but also to constantly on a daily basis to forgive others and TRY to humbly ask for forgiveness.

I strive each day to see where my ego may be running rampant to use the tools I have learned in recovery to redirect my attention to something healthier.

We cannot think our way out of addiction, we have to surrender and allow our Higher Power to remove our shortcomings and bless us in due time. Self-will cannot serve us, addict or not, for sooner or later we will have to deal with the inevitable moment when we realise that things are not going our way. Even when, outwardly, things seem to be going according to plan, we are faced with the reality that inside our minds and hearts something just isn't right.

I believe the only way to gain lasting freedom is to make a sincere and daily surrender.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

I have found memorising and recalling Biblical scripture is one of the most powerful tools to help me, not just with the overt addictions, but also in transforming my thinking, to focus on empowering thoughts rather than thoughts of bitterness, fear and mindless wonder.

Since Thursday (today is Monday) I have been reading 1 John 5 daily and memorising verses 6-7. The passage goes as following:

"Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time; casting your care upon him, for he careth for you."

I think that's how it goes, in the King James Version, and no I haven't referred to the copy, just from my memory. I suppose when I move onto another one, this one might be forgotten as have dozens over the past 18 months that I have been doing this exercise, weekly.

I still have "bad" thoughts, but the impact on my thinking, the way I pray and the words I speak has been completely transformed.

 

[pinkerton]

Thanks for sharing

 

[FlyPhoenix]

11 days and I'll be six months clean off porn and masturbation. I've had sex in a loving relationship, but me and my girl have decided to hold off on sex for now and focus on building our foundation of mutual respect and devotion to wholesome values and principles, and to grow in our faith.

I was tempted to search certain material that I remember being exposed to in the very beginning of my sex addiction and realise the slippery road that such exploration can lead to. I realised that this was because I've been feeling stressed and I am looking for something to ease the pressure, or make feel good.

But I was fortunate and managed to escape, but not before I'd wasted about an hour aimlessly surfing the web. I managed to recall some scripture and reach out to God.

I am finding peace as time goes forward and see all difficulty as an opportunity to grow and clashes with individuals as opportunities to help.

One thing I am really struggling with though at the moment is waking up late in the mornings, which is making me habitually late to arrive at the office. I hate the fact that I am late to get up and don't get a chance to ease into the day, having to rush out of the house and still arrive late. I am scared that this will lead to an unmanageable situation where I become tempted to justify my behaviour and then lash out at others in my mind, seeking fault in others in order to ease my own sense of guilt.

This is my prayer right now, to be strong enough to wake up early enough each day to properly wake up, take care of myself and travel to the office in a relaxed and orderly way.

 

[FlyPhoenix]

This landed in my inbox today, about drugs, but relates strongly to sex addiction as well.  A lot of people, myself included, tend to underestimate the power of the power of their sex addiction, our brains are an in-built drug manufacturing plant. We need to this disease on all fronts

August 5

The shape of our thoughts

?By shaping our thoughts with spiritual ideals, we are freed to become who we want to be.?

Basic Text, p. 101

????=????

Addiction shaped our thoughts in its own way.  Whatever their shape may once have been, they became misshapen once our disease took full sway over our lives.  Our obsession with drugs and self molded our moods, our actions, and the very shape of our lives.

Each of the spiritual ideals of our program serves to straighten out one or another of the kinks in our thinking that developed in our active addiction.  Denial is counteracted by admission, secretiveness by honesty, isolation by fellowship, and despair by faith in a loving Higher Power.  The spiritual ideals we find in recovery are restoring the shape of our thoughts and our lives to their natural condition.

And what is that ?natural condition??  It is the condition we truly seek for ourselves, a reflection of our highest dreams.  How do we know this?  Because our thoughts are being shaped in recovery by the spiritual ideals we find in our developing relationship with the God we?ve come to understand in NA.

No longer does addiction shape our thoughts.  Today, our lives are being shaped by our recovery and our Higher Power.

????=????

Just for today:  I will allow spiritual ideals to shape my thoughts.  In that design, I will find the shape of my own Higher Power.