FlyPhoenix Journal
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FlyPhoenix
Active Member
Thanks guys, I'll keep you posted.
I have to at least come clean here that I had two near misses ove the past couple of days.
I clicked on a video on facebook today that triggered me very badly, a video very closely related to my acting out behaviour. Clicking away was very difficult but I managed to get out of there, but not before I got aroused. It was extremely powerful stimulus and I'm still reeling 6 hours later.
A couple days ago I cicked on a youtube video which had similar content, I clicked away quickly before major arousal, but looking at what happened today I'm praying that this doesn't escalate.
I need to take suggestions and do step work. I'd love to get to a place where I am completely free from this. Until later guys.
I have to at least come clean here that I had two near misses ove the past couple of days.
I clicked on a video on facebook today that triggered me very badly, a video very closely related to my acting out behaviour. Clicking away was very difficult but I managed to get out of there, but not before I got aroused. It was extremely powerful stimulus and I'm still reeling 6 hours later.
A couple days ago I cicked on a youtube video which had similar content, I clicked away quickly before major arousal, but looking at what happened today I'm praying that this doesn't escalate.
I need to take suggestions and do step work. I'd love to get to a place where I am completely free from this. Until later guys.
Sanju
Member
Good to see you are doing well FlyPhoenix. It's a rough ride, but at least you are heading in the right direction. And think of the amazing things God is going to do (and is doing) in your life.
I really like the gratitude you expressed at the top of this page. That was a good reminder for me to do that more often.
I really like the gratitude you expressed at the top of this page. That was a good reminder for me to do that more often.
FlyPhoenix
Active Member
Been having a couple of wet dreams, had my third one last night since I reset. Here is a cool poem about this phenomenon (courtesy of Wikipedia):
In ancient Rome nocturnal emission was perceived as quite natural:
... Again, those males
Into the surging channels of whose years
Now first has passed the seed (engendered
Within their members by the ripened days)
Are in their sleep confronted from without
By idol-images of some fair form?
Tidings of glorious face and lovely bloom,
Which stir and goad the regions turgid now
With seed abundant; so that, as it were
With all the matter acted duly out,
They pour the billows of a potent stream
And stain their garment.
? "Titus Lucretius Carus, De Rerum Natura, Book IV, lines 1025-1036
In ancient Rome nocturnal emission was perceived as quite natural:
... Again, those males
Into the surging channels of whose years
Now first has passed the seed (engendered
Within their members by the ripened days)
Are in their sleep confronted from without
By idol-images of some fair form?
Tidings of glorious face and lovely bloom,
Which stir and goad the regions turgid now
With seed abundant; so that, as it were
With all the matter acted duly out,
They pour the billows of a potent stream
And stain their garment.
? "Titus Lucretius Carus, De Rerum Natura, Book IV, lines 1025-1036
FlyPhoenix
Active Member
Well, a study found that men who masturbate less, are more likely to have them. I haven't masturbated since Valentines Day ;D and I've had three.. It's natural, but it doesn't mean we should start trying to get more excitement from masturbation..
FlyPhoenix
Active Member
Now at 84 days I can report that I am emotionally stronger than the day after my relapse. Anxiety happens but I am more able to move through it and have a healthier response to others.
My relationship is growing well with my girlfriend; I bought my mother a mother's day gift and introduced my girlfriend to her and I cooked breakfast for everyone. It still amazes me that relationships can be so easy and not have to be filled with insecurity and ulterior motives.
I suppose this is mostly dude to the fact that we both have decided to filter our relationship through the Word of God, (ie The Bible) and our faith. We try as best as we can to stay faithful to God's desire for us and we are gaining so many gifts because of that.
One of the biggest benefits is that our relationship is being built on so much more than sex and when we eventually have sex it will be in the context of two people who have taken the time to get to know each other and plough into each other's lives.
We cuddle and hold each other, which can be quite arousing, especially yesterday. It was a bit cold and we were sitting outside, we held each other for a long time and I felt very aroused as we touched and explored each other, even now as I write this.
But as I said to her (I'm quite open about our relationship) that this is actually helping me for me to be aroused by healthy stimulus rather than porn and unreliable sources of sexual gratification. The difference is that when we hold each other it is to embrace one another and to provide comfort rather thank seeking to be selfishly stimulated.
My relationship is growing well with my girlfriend; I bought my mother a mother's day gift and introduced my girlfriend to her and I cooked breakfast for everyone. It still amazes me that relationships can be so easy and not have to be filled with insecurity and ulterior motives.
I suppose this is mostly dude to the fact that we both have decided to filter our relationship through the Word of God, (ie The Bible) and our faith. We try as best as we can to stay faithful to God's desire for us and we are gaining so many gifts because of that.
One of the biggest benefits is that our relationship is being built on so much more than sex and when we eventually have sex it will be in the context of two people who have taken the time to get to know each other and plough into each other's lives.
We cuddle and hold each other, which can be quite arousing, especially yesterday. It was a bit cold and we were sitting outside, we held each other for a long time and I felt very aroused as we touched and explored each other, even now as I write this.
But as I said to her (I'm quite open about our relationship) that this is actually helping me for me to be aroused by healthy stimulus rather than porn and unreliable sources of sexual gratification. The difference is that when we hold each other it is to embrace one another and to provide comfort rather thank seeking to be selfishly stimulated.
FlyPhoenix
Active Member
Almost 90 days, going strong, crafting new methods of working my program, making to-do lists of things I need to journal about at home and continue to meet with my sponsor.
I miss my girl but I suppose absence makes the heart grow fonder. I must just be strong and maintain focus on the important things which include recovery, God and my job, while I work towards making our next meeting meaningful and powerful.
I miss my girl but I suppose absence makes the heart grow fonder. I must just be strong and maintain focus on the important things which include recovery, God and my job, while I work towards making our next meeting meaningful and powerful.
A
afb7
Guest
So, if all went well the last couple of days, you're at 90!
Congratulations (I hope)!
Time to move the finish line further down the road?
Congratulations (I hope)!
Time to move the finish line further down the road?
FlyPhoenix
Active Member
Awesome, 90 days done and dusted, I feel really good, plus I am solidifying a relationship with a beautiful woman (inside and out). Yesterday we met and developed a strategy map for our relationship, various themes and points of formal discussion, building a foundation for a long term love.
I had a dream that I was looking at porn the other day, really scary stuff there. Struggling to wake up as early as I'd like. Developing a bit of a resentment towards one of my bosses, but I keep praying about it and speaking to my sponsor about it.
On the whole I think my life is good. While there are some pressures, I continue to pray and each day recommit to my walk with God. I hope you guys are good wherever you, remember wherever you go, there you are. So, do all you can for self-improvement, self-nurturing and self-love, draw nearer to you Higher Power, mine is God, but whatever you can draw strength from.
I had a dream that I was looking at porn the other day, really scary stuff there. Struggling to wake up as early as I'd like. Developing a bit of a resentment towards one of my bosses, but I keep praying about it and speaking to my sponsor about it.
On the whole I think my life is good. While there are some pressures, I continue to pray and each day recommit to my walk with God. I hope you guys are good wherever you, remember wherever you go, there you are. So, do all you can for self-improvement, self-nurturing and self-love, draw nearer to you Higher Power, mine is God, but whatever you can draw strength from.
FlyPhoenix
Active Member
Spoke to my girl on the phone today, she kept interrupting to talk to others who were coming into her office. I felt a bit disrespected by that, still thinking if I should raise the issue with her, but I think I'll talk to my sponsor first.
I realise that I still have insecurities; she didn't mean anything by it. If she is indeed losing respect for me for whatever reason (whether it be my living situation, my job and financial situation, my humble little car, my addiction, my late hours or whatever..) then it is her experience. All I can do is stay clean and abstinent, do my best in recovery and improve myself.
I cannot control how others think, but I can change how I see myself and move in the right direction.
I sent her flowers today. I felt corny to have done so but I could tell it meant a lot to her. I just hope I can continue to do that kind of thing for her. I'm afraid, I don't know how to be in love in a healthy way, I've never done so. But the more I move through this life I realise that I must just hand it over, tell it to God.
I heard about this guy Dan Barker who wrote this book "From Preacher To Atheist" and I read posts by all these people who argue against "religion" specifically against Christianity, and I am tempted to question my decision to believe.
Like, did I come to believe simply because I was in pain? Is it because I am struggling financially that I believe and hope for a "blessing"? Is my faith based on fear?
The answer lies in my peace of mind and the depth to which my spirit settles each day. The principles I am able to be grounded in, I would not be able to access in any other way, and believe me I have tried. I studied all sorts of methods and philosophies but nothing has given me as much peace in the chaos that is the world as God's Grace. I am flawed, but in my journey with my Higher Power I am made whole.
I suppose it is also due to y willingness to surrender and truly practise these principles. If I was in the East I would probably turn to my fellows and embrace my Buddhist roots. If I was in the Middle East, I would return to Islam and practise with my community, gaining more peace in the process.
But I am here in this country where most of us are Christians. So, my walk with Christ has more to do with people than "religion". Therefore my walk with Christ is not so much about doctrine and ritual, but a relationship. This is what recovery means for me.
I realise that I still have insecurities; she didn't mean anything by it. If she is indeed losing respect for me for whatever reason (whether it be my living situation, my job and financial situation, my humble little car, my addiction, my late hours or whatever..) then it is her experience. All I can do is stay clean and abstinent, do my best in recovery and improve myself.
I cannot control how others think, but I can change how I see myself and move in the right direction.
I sent her flowers today. I felt corny to have done so but I could tell it meant a lot to her. I just hope I can continue to do that kind of thing for her. I'm afraid, I don't know how to be in love in a healthy way, I've never done so. But the more I move through this life I realise that I must just hand it over, tell it to God.
I heard about this guy Dan Barker who wrote this book "From Preacher To Atheist" and I read posts by all these people who argue against "religion" specifically against Christianity, and I am tempted to question my decision to believe.
Like, did I come to believe simply because I was in pain? Is it because I am struggling financially that I believe and hope for a "blessing"? Is my faith based on fear?
The answer lies in my peace of mind and the depth to which my spirit settles each day. The principles I am able to be grounded in, I would not be able to access in any other way, and believe me I have tried. I studied all sorts of methods and philosophies but nothing has given me as much peace in the chaos that is the world as God's Grace. I am flawed, but in my journey with my Higher Power I am made whole.
I suppose it is also due to y willingness to surrender and truly practise these principles. If I was in the East I would probably turn to my fellows and embrace my Buddhist roots. If I was in the Middle East, I would return to Islam and practise with my community, gaining more peace in the process.
But I am here in this country where most of us are Christians. So, my walk with Christ has more to do with people than "religion". Therefore my walk with Christ is not so much about doctrine and ritual, but a relationship. This is what recovery means for me.
Well said. I'm always interested in hearing others defend/explain what they believe. Probably because I feel so incapable of doing the same.
And it seems like no one can bring out our insecurities like the girls we fall in love with
probably because we want so much for them to be crazy about us like we are for them.
And it seems like no one can bring out our insecurities like the girls we fall in love with
probably because we want so much for them to be crazy about us like we are for them.
FlyPhoenix
Active Member
I suppose I need to "defend" my walk, not from others, but from my own doubt. It helps that my girl also follows the same spiritual journey with me; she's great. I realise now that she has her own struggles and pressures at work.
My prayer is to be able to take care of her in the way that she deserves, for her to pursue her true talents and for me to attain prosperity for me and my family.
I cried this morning, had a dream that my boss had recognised my efforts and decide to generously reward me, which brought me to tears in my sleep. I woke up refreshed from it. My sponsor always tells me not to be dependent on outcomes, just to do my best and let God take care of the rest, which is what I have decided to do.
My prayer is to be able to take care of her in the way that she deserves, for her to pursue her true talents and for me to attain prosperity for me and my family.
I cried this morning, had a dream that my boss had recognised my efforts and decide to generously reward me, which brought me to tears in my sleep. I woke up refreshed from it. My sponsor always tells me not to be dependent on outcomes, just to do my best and let God take care of the rest, which is what I have decided to do.
FlyPhoenix
Active Member
Last streak I had, I was at around this point, just over 100 days "clean".. Life is good, thank you God.
FlyPhoenix
Active Member
Endorphins definitely help, try doing the following routine and time yoursel:
40 squats
15 diamond pushups
30 kickouts
30 lunges (both sides)
10 dog presses
20 bicycles (both sides)
skip rope (150 jumps)
15 burpees
Jack knives
40 squats
15 diamond pushups
30 kickouts
30 lunges (both sides)
10 dog presses
20 bicycles (both sides)
skip rope (150 jumps)
15 burpees
Jack knives
FlyPhoenix
Active Member
Going strong, challenges arise, but with the strength in God I somehow make it through.
Attended a massive men's conference through our church, attended by over 5000 men. Topics such as business, leadership, sexuality, relationships, being a man and others fed deeply into my spirit.
Be strong guys we are in this together, whether we struggle with work issues, financial difficulty, relationship problems, addiction or just despair, we can be there for one another.
At the end of the day (and I am more convinced of this each day I walk in my recovery) we need God more than we may realise.
Attended a massive men's conference through our church, attended by over 5000 men. Topics such as business, leadership, sexuality, relationships, being a man and others fed deeply into my spirit.
Be strong guys we are in this together, whether we struggle with work issues, financial difficulty, relationship problems, addiction or just despair, we can be there for one another.
At the end of the day (and I am more convinced of this each day I walk in my recovery) we need God more than we may realise.
joe_ireland
Member
Hi Flyphoneix, just read through your journal- well done on getting over 100 days. Its very inspiring for those of us still on the starting line.
Have you read John Elridge's 'Wild at heart' book? I found it very insightful on male psychology from a Christian perspective.
Have you read John Elridge's 'Wild at heart' book? I found it very insightful on male psychology from a Christian perspective.