Spoke to my girl on the phone today, she kept interrupting to talk to others who were coming into her office. I felt a bit disrespected by that, still thinking if I should raise the issue with her, but I think I'll talk to my sponsor first.
I realise that I still have insecurities; she didn't mean anything by it. If she is indeed losing respect for me for whatever reason (whether it be my living situation, my job and financial situation, my humble little car, my addiction, my late hours or whatever..) then it is her experience. All I can do is stay clean and abstinent, do my best in recovery and improve myself.
I cannot control how others think, but I can change how I see myself and move in the right direction.
I sent her flowers today. I felt corny to have done so but I could tell it meant a lot to her. I just hope I can continue to do that kind of thing for her. I'm afraid, I don't know how to be in love in a healthy way, I've never done so. But the more I move through this life I realise that I must just hand it over, tell it to God.
I heard about this guy Dan Barker who wrote this book "From Preacher To Atheist" and I read posts by all these people who argue against "religion" specifically against Christianity, and I am tempted to question my decision to believe.
Like, did I come to believe simply because I was in pain? Is it because I am struggling financially that I believe and hope for a "blessing"? Is my faith based on fear?
The answer lies in my peace of mind and the depth to which my spirit settles each day. The principles I am able to be grounded in, I would not be able to access in any other way, and believe me I have tried. I studied all sorts of methods and philosophies but nothing has given me as much peace in the chaos that is the world as God's Grace. I am flawed, but in my journey with my Higher Power I am made whole.
I suppose it is also due to y willingness to surrender and truly practise these principles. If I was in the East I would probably turn to my fellows and embrace my Buddhist roots. If I was in the Middle East, I would return to Islam and practise with my community, gaining more peace in the process.
But I am here in this country where most of us are Christians. So, my walk with Christ has more to do with people than "religion". Therefore my walk with Christ is not so much about doctrine and ritual, but a relationship. This is what recovery means for me.