David's journal
- Thread starter 1Kdavid
- Start date
N
notgivinup
Guest
David...just saw your post.
well...i understand the feeling. I'm not feeling hopeless, to be honest...but I have been there before.
but I feel like garbage right now.....
but today I have to get back up....and that is what I'm doing.
Not sure why I saw and opened your post first out of all the others....but I see that we're in our first day since pmo....so...as one brother to another, let's just get up and keep going.
i know we can beat this. we just have to keep going.
sorry for the down post....but just being honest... i'm getting back up today. you can too.
well...i understand the feeling. I'm not feeling hopeless, to be honest...but I have been there before.
but I feel like garbage right now.....
but today I have to get back up....and that is what I'm doing.
Not sure why I saw and opened your post first out of all the others....but I see that we're in our first day since pmo....so...as one brother to another, let's just get up and keep going.
i know we can beat this. we just have to keep going.
sorry for the down post....but just being honest... i'm getting back up today. you can too.
Feeling anxious today for some reason. Like I want to speed time ahead and be at the end of May with like a 30 day no PMO streak going. I can't so I'm frustrated. Time seems to move so slow on an upward climb but you can lose it all in just a few seconds. I was ready for sex last night, confident but she was tired. Should have brought it up this morning but I lost my confidence. Had morning wood, but I PMO'd a few days ago. I was scared that I could start, but then go soft in the middle of the act. She gets pissed cause it's always right before she cums. I just rubbed her a little, kissed her goodbye and started my day. So I guess I'm mad at myself for being a punk. So sick of having performance anxiety in general. It's almost like I look forward to her period because of no pressure to perform. Sucks. Other than that, I'm good. Just want to get some days behind me that's all. But...tick, tock... Also, I'm going to join a local SAA group. They meet on Tuesday mornings here before work. I want to be able to listen and talk things out with someone, or a group of someone's nowadays. Feeling anxious, but also determined.
Jimmy James
Active Member
This sounds very familiar. How awful it is to look forward to her period.
I know that you know that the answer is to quit watching porn forever.
Good for you to join to SAA.
I know that you know that the answer is to quit watching porn forever.
Good for you to join to SAA.
L
Leon
Guest
1Kdavid said:
Hi, King David.
Make a decision, and leave the rest in God's hands. Just be watchful first over your heart, then over your circumstances- but leave the doing to God.
Many folk at work, at the start of a day- but especially at the start of the work week- bemoan how long it will be before quitting time, and it's a groan that follows them throughout the day. They only make their day longer, and cause more suffering to themselves when they do that.
Me, I don't look at the clock necessarily. I put the time-factor out of my mind, and pay no attention to it. I've already a mindset that treats each moment the same, whether I'm at work or at home, I seek to just be in the moment. I'm not wholly perfect about this (as the day before my 'Monday' is a challenge), but I know it's all in how I perceive things.
The same is true about your reboot. It's a paradox, we know that we need to give due focus to what causes us to fall, but at the same time, if we're always thinking about it it's almost the same as if we're doing it- and we may as well be.
Put this stuff out of your mind as much as possible, and the end of May will be here before you know it.
You joined SAA, perhaps for the support- just be mindful not to be too mindful of this stuff. The more you can just go about your day without constantly focusing on sexual issues, the more you'll be free of obsessive and compulsive behaviors, and the more relaxed you'll be when it comes to your wife and her needs. Save it all for her, for her and for you- enjoy her and be thankful that she's not frigid, lol...
You can do this, man- I believe in you. Pick those 5 small stones of grace out of the brook of the Holy Spirit, and fell that nasty giant in your way.
Just a thought, why have I insanely hated PMO all day, but as soon as I get into the car and relax a few prior to my 2nd job, my viewpoint all of a sudden changes? This mental switch drives me crazy. Cause it's easy to avoid something you hate, but when your mind flips it and all of a sudden...maybe just a little. Maybe a bikini model. Maybe just some sexy dancing vids. Maybe wet t shirt. Maybe just topless. Ok, maybe tops and bottoms but no vagina. Ok, vagina. Oh, she is a porn actress and I can see her get smashed?! Maybe just a little. Then, freaking 4-6 wasted hrs later...I'm good for now, but it just kills me when my mind flips my viewpoint of this evil addiction and makes it appealing. Uggggghhh. I'm going to be successful. I will be PMO free forever. But for now, I just have to win today.
unchained
Active Member
Hey David.
It sounds to me like you know the path it always follows. The key is to stop it before it starts. If you are like me, somewhere around the naked pics I am a runaway train that cannot and will not stop. Knowing this, snuff it out with the first thought of the bikini pics. You simply CANNOT allow yourself to pursue any fake sex, even if it seems like harmless stuff. Even if it did stop there, you are still getting a dopamine hit looking at something that is not a real sexual situation with a real woman. It is as simple as that. Accept nothing to take the place of the real deal.
Honestly, I probably wouldn't be able to shut it down once I was online looking at bikini pics. My minds goes into a numb zone where nothing else matters. Maybe it's ok for other guys to check out the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, but those guys aren't porn addicts. For now, to get healthy it comes down to a choice of either stay away from visual sexual stimulation of ALL types or stay addicted. If the goal is to get yourself healthy, you cannot cheat. It's not a test where any of us can sneak something by the teacher and still get a good grade. We have to do it right or we will continue to fail.
Look into cold showers to relieve the tension...it's working for me. Also, check out Gary's radio shows at ybop. I listen to them in my car, when I mow, when I am working in my garage and pretty much time I am alone doing mundane tasks. Here is a link:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-cybersex-jungle-radio-show
In past reboot attempts, I used to spend idle time wrestling thoughts of PMO. I was always in a struggle. Now that time is filled learning about what got me here, what I am going through now, and what to expect when I come out the other side. Listening & learning fill my head and PMO thoughts don't even come up.
Good luck. Sometimes we have to ignore the pain and just keep marching onward.
It sounds to me like you know the path it always follows. The key is to stop it before it starts. If you are like me, somewhere around the naked pics I am a runaway train that cannot and will not stop. Knowing this, snuff it out with the first thought of the bikini pics. You simply CANNOT allow yourself to pursue any fake sex, even if it seems like harmless stuff. Even if it did stop there, you are still getting a dopamine hit looking at something that is not a real sexual situation with a real woman. It is as simple as that. Accept nothing to take the place of the real deal.
Honestly, I probably wouldn't be able to shut it down once I was online looking at bikini pics. My minds goes into a numb zone where nothing else matters. Maybe it's ok for other guys to check out the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition, but those guys aren't porn addicts. For now, to get healthy it comes down to a choice of either stay away from visual sexual stimulation of ALL types or stay addicted. If the goal is to get yourself healthy, you cannot cheat. It's not a test where any of us can sneak something by the teacher and still get a good grade. We have to do it right or we will continue to fail.
Look into cold showers to relieve the tension...it's working for me. Also, check out Gary's radio shows at ybop. I listen to them in my car, when I mow, when I am working in my garage and pretty much time I am alone doing mundane tasks. Here is a link:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/your-brain-cybersex-jungle-radio-show
In past reboot attempts, I used to spend idle time wrestling thoughts of PMO. I was always in a struggle. Now that time is filled learning about what got me here, what I am going through now, and what to expect when I come out the other side. Listening & learning fill my head and PMO thoughts don't even come up.
Good luck. Sometimes we have to ignore the pain and just keep marching onward.
Hey tx for the link. I will ck it out. Temptations passed and back at work. Gonna take my girl some food and see the kids and prolly workout after the kids til my girl is off work. I wasn't in a fog because I viewed nothing, yet it still seems like I'm fresh like I just woke up from a nap. Almost like a pre-fog was over me that is just the innocent beginning before you're fully immersed. That's what I just escaped from. Yeah, I can't view any sexually stimulating material. Even if it's 1/2 way innocent. It triggers something in me. I'm clean for today and loving it. Good suggestions. I will incorporate them as I can. Again, thank you.
L
Leon
Guest
1Kdavid said:
Know exactly what you mean. It's a difference between the lower 'beast-brain', where our animalistic instincts reside, and the frontal cortex, where our rational-mind resides.
With the more rational mind, you're knowing what's good for you, and hating what's bad for you. But when the other voice, from the lower regions of your brain suggest animalistic urges, we may out of habit in the beginning, switch to listening to that addictive voice.
Soon, you'll be able to recognize your normal thought processes from what's termed the 'addictive voice', and be able to ignore that part of us which suggests indulgence.
N
notgivinup
Guest
King David....glad to hear that you're coming out of the fog. I understand all about that.
Just taking a few minutes to read a bit of other journals. Really glad you are here.
Thanks.
NGU
Just taking a few minutes to read a bit of other journals. Really glad you are here.
Thanks.
NGU
Hey Leon, you're right. I don't want to think about this to much. I've done that before and it led to a relapse. I've just been living the last few days. Lord knows I got to much to do. Haven't really thought about PMO much. Had that same "illusion" appear to me. The one where PMO is attractive but I shut it down quickly. I'm working to switch my mindset. One of my favorite rappers starts a song by saying, "pussy is my passion...." I got a chick that will freak me. Ima make my love for her a part of my purpose in life and her pussy my passion. That's where I'm headed. Peace.
Ok, had a good night last night. I had a few beers, ate, came home alone, slept soundly and woke up this morning w/my current PMO streak going. Felt great. Now I'm stressed and I am having thoughts of PMO. All financial related. Car note is behind and they're calling me. A mans money is cut in 1/2 with divorce or separation. So handling my car note it's been a problem. They won't refinance. Still paying for the kids and their mother mostly. She doesn't make much and i don't want the kids without what they need and want. Sucks. But my decision so oh well. Not crying, just saying. I'm determined to remain clean though. My girls cycle started. Hate to say it, but in my past relationship, her cycle was a PMO binge for me. Knowing she didn't expect me to perform gave me a green light. I want to stop that mental cycle of mine. So my short term goal is to be PMO free until her cycle is up. Of course, ultimately it means I will wait for her for any type of sexual arousal. It's a challenge, but one I'm up to.
Jimmy James
Active Member
David, you might need a good dose of Dave Ramsey. Would there be more than one benefit to get rid of internet access or a cell phone data plan?
I just googled him. Yeah I'm sure I do. I'll start reading some of his stuff or listening right away. I make the money but it just...slips away. I eat to much for one thing. I workout and my metabolism is crazy. I don't have access to a kitchen right now but will soon. That will save me tons. I'll be starting school again in a month with two online classes. I feel like I need the cell with data plan. I know I don't really but I'm so used to it. It does help with getting class info immediately and doing class work from the phone whenever I can. But, maybe these are excuses...
http://whyquit.com/whyquit/A_Benefits_Time_Table.html
I've been meaning to post this. It deals with the benefits of ceasing a smoking habit. Positive changes take place almost immediately!! There hasn't been much research on PMO, brain development and the recovery process. I am willing to bet it is similar. Positive changes we can't detect take place almost right away. Even those we can't detect. This encourages me. If a habit as deAdly as smoking can be stopped and the effects reversed by the body's ability to heal itself, I'm sure the same can be said of PMO. Let's keep rolling...have a good weekend all.
I've been meaning to post this. It deals with the benefits of ceasing a smoking habit. Positive changes take place almost immediately!! There hasn't been much research on PMO, brain development and the recovery process. I am willing to bet it is similar. Positive changes we can't detect take place almost right away. Even those we can't detect. This encourages me. If a habit as deAdly as smoking can be stopped and the effects reversed by the body's ability to heal itself, I'm sure the same can be said of PMO. Let's keep rolling...have a good weekend all.
unchained
Active Member
You are most certainly right. I'd be willing to bet the changes start immediately...even if if simply comes from the mindset that you realize the addiction poisons your heart, mind, soul, romantic relationship, family relationships, friendships, physical health, emotional health, professional life, future, pretty much everything. Even if you start with a single day away. A day away is better than a day with.
Ok I've been doing ok. Been swatting away evil thoughts like flies. They do present, but I haven't even put in a search in a google browser. I read somewhere that PMO desire is like links in a chain that get stronger with each passing moment and thought. So the best place to break it is before you even get started. I'm going to be successful with my short term goal of staying clean during her whole period. I got surprise head the other night. Felt great. 100% hardness. I did have a few porno thoughts just to cum though. Only cause she said she was getting tired. I was just enjoying it but finished for her. I know I'm doing better when I just relax and cum from her instead of porn pop up visions. I hate that. Tonight I'm outta town with a few friends. Doing an obstacle course run. No time to PMO and prolly some drinking later. It'll be fun. Tomorrow she should be done so back in the saddle. Or if not, at least early this week. I e been telling myself, I really don't have a need for sex, it's the addiction talking to you. I am more than satisfied with my girl. Time for me to abstain and have her say the same for me. Peace.