David's journal

[1Kdavid]

It was a good day for me.  Tempted earlier but resisted.  I didn't really want to PMO.  I was just home alone and that's a trigger.  Listened to a Gary Wilson lecture and read some journals on here.  I also read another interesting article.  Here it is: http://www.realmenlifestyle.com/2013/02/11/what-women-want-in-bed/
I think this is most interesting.  For lack of a better term, PMO makes us bitches.  Wusses who are overly emotional and soft.  Women's liberation has done this to us to. We respect them so much that we shy away from being dominant and almost let them run things at times because we are always treading on eggshells letting know how much we love them and respect them.  During sex, we act like guests in a home.  Walking softly, extremely nice and not just letting loose because we aren't at home.  The truth is, we do love and respect them.  The truth also is, if she is our woman, we were inside them, you're at home.  So be comfortable and hit it like a man.  I think overall we also need to be more manly.  This is different things to different relationships.  We need to all know our limitations.  But instead of looking at this as a fight with PMO, I'm going to challenge myself to be more aggressive with my woman.  Respectfully and lovingly of course, but with a renewed mindset.  A manly one.  Gnite all, that PMO dude is now the old me.  The new me gets laid.  And I don't care how long I wait between opportunities.  Only real sex period.  Out.

 

[sodonewithit]

+1 i can recall being the alpha at home and I couldn't figure out w.t.f. happened to him.  The other day I had to do a psychology review for a new position at work.  I got a copy which said briefly I'm the go gettin take no prisoners guy and I was pleased to have the affirmation.  Brought it home to share with the wife to which she laughed, clearly I was crushed.  In hindsight though what can I say?  Work guy vs home guy is Dr. Jeckle  and Hyde.  Limp twerp hoping she's gonna want to have some instead of telling her, I was that guy and it worked.  My spirit will be stepped on here and there but no more wondering why I don't do anything about it.

A book I'm reading says we are all fight or flight which is true, porn helps the flight but we all need to fight. 

70 days ago it stopped and I'm not gonna be there again.

 

[1Kdavid]

Spirit feels irritated today.  Slept like garbage last night.  Stayed up watching YBOP videos, listening to music, listening to spiritual material and watching movies.  I couldn't get my mind to rest.  Not saying it's PMO related.  Just saying.  Feel no temptation to PMO.  Slept alone last night and was good. 

 

[1Kdavid]

Another thing.  I was reading that we should develop a porn is not an option mindset.  Also, you need to have a plan for when I am tempted to PMO.  My plan is this, tell my girl I'm horny and ask how soon can we do something about it.  Tell her how much I want her and miss her body.  Tell her to be naked when I get home and we can talk after.  Stuff like that.  I'm gonna get my sexuality off my chest and put it on hers so to speak.  I'm gonna live outside of my mind sexually.  Instead of keeping it to myself, share it and let things flow.  From an earlier post I made I think we males have become soft through porn use.  We expect for sex to just happen and if it doesn't, we go to sleep frustrated thinking what happened?  Truth is, we have to initiate it.  As long as it's within a loving and trusted relationship, women love it.  They want to be loved and respected, but taken sexually.  That's where I'm headed.  I'm not playing the bench no more waiting to be put in.  I'm saying, "coach, put me in so I can change the game."  Peace.

 

[Leon]

Those are excellent plans, King David.

Not too long ago, I turned some sexual frustration toward my wife. I was tempted to 'act out', but instead made it an opportunity to rewire with my wife- and we had a good one.

Mine is usually willing, if she's not too tired. So, that's a blessing there.

As for your mind and it's thoughts taking away your sleep, what I'd do in a similar circumstance is either get up in the middle of the night, find a quiet spot, and pray- asking God to give me some good sleep (as He promises in His Word). Or- do some deep breathing exercises.

The breath/mind/body are all linked. If we breathe slower, more deeper, we'll slow our mind down and get some good sleep.

Hope that helps.

 

[notgivinup]

King David.....great post.

You are right....our women do want to be taken sexually by us.
I found it to be true with my own wife. She takes comfort in the power she senses from me when I am blazing the trail in the right way.

Good job for your planning...those are do-able steps that you can take and put into action.

I'm glad you are here...and congratulations on your 11 days of no pmo....fantastic.

Thanks.

NGU

 

[1Kdavid]

Tempted right now for some reason.  It's the habit part talking  to me.  This is my after work break before I head to my 2nd job.  This must be like a stress relief PMO urge.  Anyhow, came here instead.  Gonna stop fighting this in my head and start spreading the stress.  Just like a large surface can spread the force of a blow so it doesn't cause damaage, sharing my stress with others helps me carry this load. Just like with my real sexual desires, by getting them outta my head I share the burden.  Hey, I'm horny, u my girl, I love u so what's up?  Now we both got it on our minds so let's solve this know what I'm saying?  I will not lose.  I will not lose.  And it always seems to be very strong on the eve of me actually having sex.  Almost like the habit is alive and knows that real sex will kill it if it happens often enough so my brains plasticity adapts to the real thing.  It's trying to stop me now so those bad neural pathways stay strong.  Nope, today PMO is one step closer to death.  Peace.

 

[1Kdavid]

Feeling very alive today.  Hard to explain.  I'm so tired because I didn't sleep last night.  But I'm wired at the same time.  My sexual energy is high.  I can feel it in my stomach.  I love it, just like I unplugged from a sexual light switch, but I fear this at the same time.  I'm gonna take a mm relaxer and go to sleep tonight early.  I'll be alone but those things knock me out.  I'm headed to my sons orchestra recital and then, mm relaxer, visit with the boys and bed. If I stay up in the wee hours of the morning with this, I might relapse.  My lady isn't off work until like 2 tonight so I'll have plenty of time to PMO if I let myself.  So I'm gonna take Unchained's advice and walk away from PMO today.  I'm not gonna tempt myself by even looking at entertainment online of any kind.  Just eat, take my meds and sleep.  I will not lose.  I'm waiting until she's ready.  I already told her where my head is at.  That's good because it gives me accountability.  Like saying I'm coming home with pizza, when u get there u better have pizza.  U can't be like, oh I ate it on the way.  So I've done what I could do so far.  Just need the opportunity to finish that's all. Until then, I'm walking away.

 

[sodonewithit]

Indeed, I never wanted the opportunity to come up yet I've fapped instead.  Sometimes I read the partners section of this site  and the ladies ask how would they know if us guys are sticking to the plan.....I should link them to here.

 

[Leon]

Good strategies, King David.

Find the strength in yourself, embrace it, and walk out your freedom.

Have a great evening.

 

[notgivinup]

King....great to hear this. Just walking away.

Awesome. I'm doing the same.

Thanks for the post.

NGU

 

[1Kdavid]

Good strategies, King David.

Find the strength in yourself, embrace it, and walk out your freedom.

Have a great evening.

Tx leon.  I did just that.  Blessing in disguise I left my phone charger at work.  I only had like 10%power when I laid down.  Not enough to PMO to at all.  It would just make me mad.  Then I could see myself getting up at 1am and driving to work to get it and drive back and it would have been this all-nighter fling with myself.  So, I read a little, set my alarm and fell asleep.  PMO free. Today is a new day, I will not lose.  Whether I have sex or not.  It used to be, when I anticipated sex and didn't get it I would PMO.  But then, the next day, or maybe 2-3 days later the situation arises again, and I've got PIED.  Done with that.  Real sex or none.  Peaceful thoughts fellas.

 

[1Kdavid]

Ok so I'm clean for the day.  Not even tempted now which is my break after work but before the second job.  I'm just thinking about something I read in the partners forum.  A wife of an addict would not let him use ED pills.  Basically her message was, u got yourself into this mess now get yourself out of it.  You never needed them before and you don't need them now.  You just need to give up PMO and nature will run its course and bring about sexual healing.  She's right.  I went and got scripts for Viagra and cialis.  Been using them off and on for a few months.  Thing is, I don't need them.  I really don't.  Even my girl says I don't need them.  She's just like, "you got it, but your head gets in the way sometimes."  But anxiety and the desire to please my woman at all costs won't let me let them go.  Another dose of reality is, they're expensive as hell.  I just left the pharmacy and I'm like...really???  Yes, I can flex them but still, money is money.  Somebody might break a leg and I used the money for freaking ED pills.  So...I'm gonna finish this bottle of cialis I just got, and I'm done with it.  It will last me through all of June.  By that time I will have 61 days under my belt.  I've performed wonderfully without them.  But the same thing happened...we spent a week or so apart, I binged, came back together after spending time with ourselves and friends, and PIED returned.  Or PE.  Either way, she's like what happened?  One week you're a rock star and the next mr limp noodle?  I know deep down all I have to do is no PMO, but now my mind is psychologically attached to the pills. And truth be told, they are a crutch.  Because I've reasoned, "I can PMO now, but give it one day and a Viagra and  a 3 mile jog or two and I'm fine."  Thus, my last reset came.  So, since I paid for them, I'm gonna use them, but after that no more.  Because if I'm gonna stand as a man, not only physically do I need to be hard, but emotionally I need the confidence I will get hard and stay hard without drugs.  Plus, honestly, I'm a gym rat.  I've got a nice body and I'm a handsome guy.  Know how embarrassing it is to walk up to the young pretty intern and ask if my cialis is ready?  Not as embarrassing as being in a PIED situation, but it's up there. 

 

[notgivinup]

King David....i'm glad to read that you are wrestling with this stuff. You know the way to go....and you know what is needed. Honestly, you completely have what it takes to live and function as a man...a man who is strong physically and emotionally. We all have it. We were just conned into thinking that we needed the garbage and pixels on the screen.

You have what you need. I'm glad to read when you write, "no pmo today." I have to take the same approach. I know that for TODAY...I'm not doing it. I'm not even walking toward it.

Your posts are a huge boost to me and my determination. Thanks for all you share here.

pmo is not an option for me.

NGU

 

[1Kdavid]

Ok, I'm depressed today.  Honestly it's because my girl wants space.  My PIED has thrown her off.  I'm disgusted with myself and really hate me right now.  I'm not tempted to PMO though and I'm still clean.  Even though I had a few last night I just went to sleep and the idea of it disgusted me.  Just wished I had of stopped completely when we first started dating.  But, if we're done, then I deserve it for being a PMO freak.  I'll get over it, just sucks now.  But I won't pursue another relationship though.  Alone is good for me for now.  Peaceful thoughts to all.

 

[unchained]

Girl or no girl, get healthy for you.  Make that your focus and then you will be a better partner to whomever you end up with.

Broken relationships suck, but sometimes they can provide the motivation to keep us going.  Use the pain as a motivator to better yourself.

I quit smoking years ago when my longtime girlfriend broke up with me.  Focusing on quitting gave me something to think about other than her.  Also, as I distanced myself from the addiction, I began feeling good about myself.  Those positive feelings helped me better deal with the hurt from the breakup.  In the end, the breakup helped me quit smoking & quitting smoking helped me overcome the breakup.

BTW, as painful as the breakup was, my next relationship was with my wonderful wife.  We dated for 5 years and have now been married for 10 1/2 years.  I'd be willing to bet she would not have been attracted to me if I were a smoker...it's funny how things work out.

 

[Jimmy James]

David, it might be good to give her some space for a while while you reboot.  If you get back together in a few weeks or months, she will see the improvement in you, plus you will be ready for rewiring.  If you don't get back together, it wasn't meant to be and something better will come along.  All of this should be motivation to stick with the reboot.

 

[notgivinup]

King...it's a crappy part of life that we cannot control what others do...but it's also what makes life great - the give and take of relationships. But you wrote early, "I really hate myself right now..."  I know you feel like crap and that you are blaming yourself.

But the deal is, you are now doing the right thing. You are here and you have been choosing to walk away from pmo. You are getting stronger and making yourself stronger. Do it for you, and you will be the man you need to be when the right relationship opportunity comes...whether it's her or someone else. Keep doing what you are doing to become who YOU are and for YOU.

I always look forward to reading your posts...you are honest and you demonstrate strength. Some times life sucks. But you're here and you're on your way to becoming stronger, and free.

Thanks for writing today.

pmo is not an option.

NGU

 

[1Kdavid]

Tx for the encouragement all.  Things are well.  No PMO.  Out with her tonight and enjoying each other's company.  Sometimes, I wonder if I exaggerate things I hear from her in a panic about my sexual shortcomings.  It seems things aren't as bad as I thought they were with her.  It's got me thinking about a post I read on another site.  It basically said that like 50%-75% of PIED is performance anxiety.  I've become obsessed about this stuff.  So I'm gonna take a break from journaling for a few days.  I'll change my counter if I mess up.  But the poster basically said that if you relax your mind then your body will follow the course.  I know that's the case.  Cause I can get rock hard from a text conversation with her, but be in her presence and be so deathly afraid to fail that I stay limp.  So peaceful thoughts fellas.  Ima holler back on day 21.  I'm gonna try just forgetting about watching every minute and hour and relax and live a little.  Just be in whatever moment I'm in.  Peace.

 

[sodonewithit]

That sounds like a reasonable plan.  See you in a few days.