David's journal

[notgivinup]

yep...you are welcome.

really glad you are here, KD1.

NGU

 

[1Kdavid]

Another good no PMO day.  I've been horny, but not with PMO thoughts.  Real sexual situation thoughts.  That's always a very good sign for me.  Home alone today and I said no.  I love when I love to say no to PMO.  After u get up from your nap and leave the house, you feel just...great.  I'm very close to just...letting this go.  The feeling I have is almost like when you begin to lose interest in toys.  It's just not the same level of excitement.  Then one day you look back and you can't remember the last time you played with a GI Joe. That's what I'm going for here.  Just leave it behind.  Peaceful thoughts to all.

 

[notgivinup]

KD!....so very cool. I know the feeling. It used to be for me that being home alone was...well, you know. But, now I have this peace and this energy by just saying no to the thing that was killing me and poisoning me. I love waking up in the mornings now...NOT being in a shame hangover and unrested from a night of misery.

So glad to hear these good things from you, man. Really glad to hear it.

Keep going.

NGU

 

[1Kdavid]

Still here, 3 days out.  Been analyzing my last stumble.  Same thing. Alone for a night.  Just did it.  No real desire for it.  Just because. The last few days I've been just telling myself to grow up.  IDK if that sounds harsh, but it's true.  I've been having great sex, have a wonderful sexy girlfriend, two kids who love me, a great job, friends who care for me.  I don't have any holes to fill in my life.  It's like hanging onto an item of clothing that is now dated, I just need to let it go.  Freaking grow up. It's not about sex.  Had great sex the other night.  In morning I wanted to PMO, no reason.  I said no.  Then later that day her cycle started and she offered me head.  Cool.  So u see, my sex life isn't an issue.  So maybe..I just need to grow up.  Think like a man and be one.  Not sure if that's harsh but it's how I feel. No urges now, just determined for this day to keep my mind focused on no PMO.

 

[1Kdavid]

1 more thing, I'm echoing something I read in Castaway' s journal. "I seem to have lost the desire to beat this thing."  Feels like my drive is gone.  Kinda like my workout ethic now.  I've been a gym rat for the last 7 yrs.  in the gym at 5am, after work, midnight...I made sure I got it in.  Here lately I'm not as driven. I've been working 11hr days, 6 days a week too. That doesn't help.  Possibly burn-out?  And maybe that's the reason for the PMO too.  Kinda burned out and just letting my mind go.  I'm a therapist so I'm always helping people all day long.  Then I see the kids, then the girlfriend, then my friends call.  I'm thinking the PMO lately is just escapism for a few minutes of alone time before I'm needed again.  It's nice to be needed, but my daily pace needs to slow some.  My 2nd job this week is slower so that's good.  Right now, I have scheduled a 55 hr work week.  It's feel like I need rest.  So I feel PMO has been my way of "resting" and leaving the world behind.  I feel strangely very detached from it though.  Like I know it's not me.  Like not working out is not me.  But just like when my schedule opens I'll be back in the gym after some much needed mental and physical rest, I'll get my no PMO fire back.  Just need to go off pure willpower for awhile.  Also need to realize I'm more rested when I avoid PMO in my few minutes of down time.  Cause although I'm basically symptom free, it still aggravates my spirit for a short time.  Then it goes away and I function fine mentally and physically.  Concerning ED, I found it was mostly in my head.  Of course, my periods of no PMO helped tremendously.  But started initiating and having sex regularly and those pathways are a lot stronger than s few months ago.  After that, I just needed to relax my mind.  But I'm NGU like my brother.  Gonna have s good no PMO day today. 

 

[1Kdavid]

Boy, I'm long winded this morning.  Just wanted to say, I woke up this morning at 4:30.  Been journaling.  Now it's just after 5.  I'm gonna get up and workout, do some paperwork before work, work 11-12 hrs.  I really, really wish I could just rest today.  I don't feel like helping people.  I love doing it, but I wanna rest.  But enough whining, gotta make the doughnuts...

 

[53nomorepmo]

Hey David, I hope you don't mind a newbie commenting on your journey, which appears to me to be mostly filled with success.  Don't beat yourself up too much, but some self "tough love" is ok.

So you were working real hard and long hours.  Your resistance was down, and then if you don't mind me being blunt, you took an endorphin hit because you needed to escape.  It is really similar for most of us who have this issue.  Not necessarily the trigger, but the one thing I see over and over in here is the need to escape.  Be it boredom, stress, job issues, a relationship issue, or just to feel calm.  In your line of work you likely also know the answer is to 1) not beat yourself up about it and 2) get back on the horse.  You appear to be doing these things, and I am glad you came here to vent.  Thanks for posting your journey and trials, you are helping yourself and the rest of us who are here with you!

 

[notgivinup]

1KD.....it's good to see you here again. You wrote a week or so ago that it was going to be really busy for you this month. Sounds like you are in the middle of it all right now....and you're right: your brain needs some down time...or just time away from the constant grind of the same thing.

So, you know you always have a choice. You could choose to lighten the load a bit....it might inconvenience a few people....but it would be making a choice to take care of yourself.

Or, you could choose another diversion...something that is life-giving and not life-draining.

But, the bottom line is...you have the choice. You know this. I'm speaking to myself as well as I write these words. I have a choice today. Not everything will or can change today, but I can choose to keep momentum in the direction I want it to go today....and I can choose to do the small stuff that will bring more life into my health, and my spirit, and my relationships...the little stuff that keeps me going.

Here's another truth....you are here, and not off numb-brained doing pmo. You are here. This is really great. and I'm glad you are here.
You are making choices to leave pmo behind, and even with a recent bump in the road, you are still way ahead of where you used to be. So that is a really great thing.
and I know that you are NGU as well.

Thanks for your honest posts. Great to hear from you again.

NGU

 

[1Kdavid]

I haven't posted in awhile.  I got dissolutioned I suppose.  Kinda fighting and kinda not which boils down to I haven't been fighting PMO urges much.  Not binging like the old days thank goodness, but every 4-5 days I have a quick go-round.  I want to get back to work here and posting again.  Not going to speak much of personal issues.  Much respect to those that do.  For me, just a simple post as to how I'm doing with fighting PMO urges and move on.  Honestly, more for my own personal accountability and to encourage a little and be encouraged as well. Working on my 1st 24, will report tomorrow.  Goodnight.

 

[Leon]

Kinda fighting and kinda not which boils down to I haven't been fighting PMO urges much. 

Hi, 1Kd.

Of course nothing short of all out commitment will bring about the results that you seek.

Posting personal stuff, or not- is a personal choice. It's not necessary. You have to make this journal work for you- it's your tool.

My advice would be to list all the reasons why one would or should quit porn addiction, and masturbation, the positives and the negatives. Make the reasons to change so compelling that it's no longer a kinda on, kinda off type of thing.

 

[notgivinup]

Hi 1KD...it's good to see you here again.

I totally get the simple check in.

I have to keep reminding myself of what my life was like when I was continually giving in to the pmo. It was hell. and it was getting progressively worse, and my pied was getting progressively worse. I hadn't had a real erection with my wife in over 6 years....and an O with her was non-existent. It was because I was giving myself to the "easy way out."

I am just stating it to remind myself....and to remind US that the reason we are here is to stop the pmo. To stop.

I'm glad you are here....looking forward to hearing about your determination and successes.

Sometimes we have to regroup. Take a deep breath, and get going again.

Really glad you are here.

NGU

 

[1Kdavid]

Ok Leon, I don't think I will post all the positives and negatives here now. But I will list the most important one to me.  A desire to be spiritually, mentally, and emotionally clean.  Biggest mental challenge for me is when I tell myself..."just a little bit."  Yeah right.  But I've felt very peaceful these last few days and I want to maintain it.  Gnite all.

 

[Leon]

Yes, that's a pretty important reason.

The desire to maintain that peace has helped me to make better choices before.

Have a great evening.

 

[1Kdavid]

Ok, 4 days.  Nothing special to report.  Basically, when urges arise I dismiss them quickly. And that's about it. Remembering the simplicity of it all.  I got it from a poster here or somewhere.  Don't watch porn and keep your hands off your dick. Very simple.  Gnite all.

 

[notgivinup]

King....congrats on 4 days.

Just wanted to check in. A bump in the road it not the end....and we are able to do this.

I'm glad you are still here.

NGU