David's journal

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Leon

Guest
1Kdavid said:
Ok, so here is my update...
Bad news---I've PMO'd x2 since my last post.
Good news---I don't care.
Click to expand...

If not caring translates to not letting that stop you, which is what it appears to mean for you (in that you reset your counter, and are 8 days in), then great!

Our falls are only as big as we let them be. If we cast aside all efforts to change, then, yeah- that's gonna suck. But, if we're determined to change, a few setbacks won't stop us- if we steamroll right over them.
 
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1Kdavid

Member
Ok I can explain my last comment.  I actually had a long lost and the rest disappeared after I pressed send.  Strange.  What I meant by I don't care is I'm not down in the dumps.  A lot is because if this statement I read on another site.  "Relapse is a natural and human response as you are learning new life skills and new behaviors."  So I've relapsed, but it's not the end of the world.  Viewpoint makes a big difference in attitude and emotional health.  I'm ready to get back on my grind though.  I have a bad pattern.  I'll do good the early 2/3 of a month or so, then relapse and kinda let go until the 1st of the next month.  Good thing is, I don't flat out binge anymore. I'll do it once, then a few days will go by and do it again...  So now that June is tomorrow lets get it on again.  My goal is to complete this entire month.  I seem to be stuck at the 21-23 day mark.  And mostly it's boredom or killing time or winding down after work.  No real desire to PMO.  Also, sex has been great.  No issues at all.  Even after a PMO, I've been good.  I'm reinforcing positive pathways in my brain and using them more than PMO pathways lately.  We've been very active lately.  Performance is fine.  I've even practically cut the cialis.  I know when my body is kicking in and it has.  I don't have cialis produced erections, just enhanced so that will be a thing of the last soon.  I'll also be more present here.  My mind has regulated things so I'm not obsessed with my penis anymore.  It allows me to participate and have other things on my mind instead of sex. Gotta go, talk more later.
 
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notgivinup

Guest
Hey King...I'm glad you are pressing on.

Congrats on setting the goal of going the whole month of June without pmo. You can do this.

I'm glad you are not giving up...and that things are getting better for you. Looking forward to seeing you through June without pmo.

That's my goad right now, too.

Thanks,

NGU
 
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1Kdavid

Member
Ok, day one is down.  Feel good.  Been busy all day.  This is my first chance to take a few.  Wanted to acknowledge this day and look forward to the next.  The last few weeks have taught me something about myself.  What is my motivAtion to stop PMO?  It used to be PIED.  Now that issue is gone.  It used to be the deep, suicidal depression.  But I don't get that anymore since I don't binge.  I have an instance, then I stop several days or weeks until the next instance.  Since, in the meantime I'm sexually active, it seems like my brain has rewired.  At least, I'm well on my way.  A lot more so than when I first started.  So what now?  Only thing I can think of is a desire to be my best.  I am a clean cut guy.  My mind should match my external appearance.  I also enjoy having a perfectly clean conscience in regards to PMO.  So from now on, my motivation is to be my best at all times.  That way, even when I'm performing sexually fine and my mood is good, I still avoid PMO at all costs.  Peaceful thoughts to all walking away from PMO.  I have to go now, but I have some thoughts on what has helped my ED. I will share in future posts.  Gnite
 
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1Kdavid

Member
Tempted to PMO now.  I don't understand why cause I had sex last night.  So, I'm not sexually deprived.  I'm not terribly depressed.  I also have a crap load of stuff to do.  In fact, I'm in the middle of working 6 days a wk for the month of June, many of which are 10-12 hr days.  Im working out.  So, I'm not understanding where this desire or need is coming from that's all.  Just a little confused.  I was tempted to just let my mind drift off into PMO but instead I came here.  Glad I did.  It has helped re focus me.  So, back to work.  I just would like to know what stems this desire or urge.  Maybe it's just the addictive side of it pulling me back.  IDK.  Strange how you can be addicted or have an urge for something you don't even desire anymore. 
 
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notgivinup

Guest
Hey KD....I understand.

Just from what you wrote....I'm wondering...are you stressed at all right now? Your work load sounds like it could be producing some stress. I know that I learned to run to pmo to try and avoid stress at one point in my life...and I'm trying to unlearn it...or learn to go to other things.

Whatever the cause, I'm really glad to hear that you came to RN instead. Way to go. You made the right choice.

Thanks for coming here instead and writing what you did. I'm encouraged today by your strength in making the right choice today.

NGU

 
L

Leon

Guest
David, I'd have to agree with NGU here, it sounds like stress or similar factors.

I've found that having sex with my wife doesn't necessarily mean that I won't act out, as this has occurred on a number of occasions.

The urges will come and go. They will weaken over time as new neural pathways are strengthened, and the old-ones (the addictive ones) will be less and less used. However, in the meanwhile, they don't need to get the best of you. Just expect them when they come, even accept them without judgment, and breathe through them. You will see that you're actually in control, and not the addictive voice. You'll find that strength in yourself to resist, and then it will become easier and easier.

You can do this.
 
J

Jimmy James

Active Member
David,

I wonder if your temptation to PMO is related to your previous question about what your motivation is not that PIED is not an issue. Almost how it can be difficult to keep weight off after you lost it while dieting.  I know I have that problem.  If you are a goal oriented person, you might need a new goal.
 
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1Kdavid

Member
Jimmy James, I am a goal oriented person.  For example, i enjoy working out.  Recently, like the turn of this year, I kind of lost my interest a bit.  I didn't stop, just kinda maintained.  I reached my squat goals, I reached my deadlift goals.  I didn't want to go heavier because...well I just didn't want to.  I was satisfied.  Recently I completed a tough mudder.  So, I'm like, what now?  I'm still kind of re-shaping my fitness direction.  Probably moderate weight and a combo of body weight exercises so as I age I reduce my risk of injury and remain light in my feet.  So yeah, when the ED was resolved, I'm sorta like, what now?  One thin I do know is I have more self-respect when I don't PMO.  I also have some spiritual goals I would like to reach for again someday.  I lost quite a few privileges from revealing my PMO problem, leaving my marriage, and being involved with another woman.  My whole life is upside down.  Not to mention my former wife and my kids too.  I know PMO was the root of this dissolution and I don't want the past to repeat itself.  Even if I'm alone I don't want to PMO, but especially in a new relationship.  It will undermine the integrity of it just like the last one.  And I don't want to hurt anybody else like I have.  I also don't want to hurt anymore either.  My next post, Ima reveal what got me started in the first place.  Others have been very open and I want to share too.  Back to work now...later fellas.
 
53nomorepmo

53nomorepmo

Active Member
David, sometimes I wish the forum just had a like button, because I like what you are saying here.  Exactly the right approach to a relapse, and exactly the type of analysis that I hope leads to my success in dealing with the PMO crap.  Thank you, and hang in there!
 
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notgivinup

Guest
David, I agree...wish there was a Like button here.

from your last post, you just revealed a lot about yourself and your life...sounds like a lot of stuff.

But, in it all, the really great thing is that you are here and you are walking away from pmo. That is the best thing you can be doing right now...saying no to the counterfeit, and embracing real life and real people.

As we continue to do that, then the rest of life will shape up....I know it.

I look forward to your next post. Thanks for sharing honestly.

NGU
 
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1Kdavid

Member
I started MO around 15 yrs old.  Discovered by accident.  Used to play with myself and one day....boom!  I O'd.  It was the best feeling I ever had in my life.  I was a part of a very spiritual family and I was being groomed towards a position as a shepherd of the congregation.  I did very well at speaking, even at a young age.  I went on to become a powerful public speaker and a very good teacher of spiritual matters.  With all of this, I was supposed to remain a virgin.  I had a very strong interest in the opposite sex.  So for me I had the best of both worlds.  I would remain a virgin but with PMO, I had girlfriends.  Gotta go, my girl is here.  More later...
 
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notgivinup

Guest
KD....I'm tracking with you. I "discovered" M the same way. Same kind of family....looking forward to hearing more.

Thanks.

NGU
 
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1Kdavid

Member
Ok so where was I? Oh yeah, strict spiritual background which I agree with wholeheartedly.  Well almost.  My chief issue was with sex before marriage.  I wanted it.  Now I realize that I fanned the flames with porn.  But I kept it all a secret.  In the way, I reasoned I could have sex with as many women as I wanted, just in my mind.  I could still have great orgasms.  And I can do it with no fear of disease, no unwanted pregnancies, my family would keep its good name, and I could continue to progress and handle more spiritual privileges.  Eventually,around 21 I met a young lady and felt marriage was the answer.  Get married so I can have sex and then I'll be fine.  Didn't work that way.  Little did I realize this was an addiction.  I used to PMO like 3-4 times daily.  I would only take a few days off mostly if I had sores on my tip from deathgrip.  Needless to say it was hard for me to get it up at first.  No sex on wedding night.  She was reassuring.  In a few weeks though, things kicked in and I was ecstatic!  That was good news.  Bad news, my former wife had negative views on sex.  You know, that whole uncle thing that takes place in families.  Because of this, she could care less about it.  She was actually pretty frigid.  I was a virgin so I didn't know any better.  She only would do missionary.  Any other position made her uncomfortable.  I was t gonna force her so I kept PMO.  Best of both worlds, she's not doing anything she doesn't like or makes her feel uncomfortable and I get what I want right?  Want head?  Doggy-style?  Grab a video and I can have anything I want. At an early age, she dealt with molestation.  This turned her off toward sex period.  So, you have paired a hyper-active sexual person and a hypo-active sexual person.  Not the best match-up.  Things soon went downhill at home.  Clashing personalities, money problems, lost jobs, kids, lost home,...we just grew apart.  I remember waking up and wondering, why am I with this person?  I knew the right thing to do was to stay.  Still, 18 yrs later I used PMO and alcohol to escape.  Not an alcoholic, but I could drink heavy.  Still I never literally strayed from the marriage, just virtually. Until I began confiding in a female friend of mine.  About everything.  After a year or so, it dawned on me how important she was to me.  I eventually told my wife.  She wanted to work things out.  I stayed and tried for awhile, then one day I just...left.  Just like that.  She was and is still devastated.  I had stepped down from all my spiritual privileges a while before.  I felt like a hypocrite.  You can't teach something and not live it.  It actually was a relief. Nothing to hide.  Now, I'm trying to piece my life together.  I'm just house-sitting now but need to move by July 1st.  I start a new job early July that almost doubles my income along with giving me more freedom.  I see my kids daily and continue to reassure them of my love and that I'm just...there.  I am their father and I'm not going anywhere.  My divorce is not final, but will be soon.  I carry a lot of guilt daily for ruining her life.  Also for shaking up the kids lives. When I contemplate going back, I just can't stomach it.  For reasons other than PMO.  I'm not gonna put her on blast, I just know immaturity, marrying for the wrong reasons, and PMO are my part to play in the dissolution of our relationship.  So I'm starting over.  Getting rid of PMO is primary to me.  I won't go back to my congregation with it still in my life.  Also, the young lady I'm with now, I will legalize our relationship.  If she agrees of course
 
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1Kdavid

Member
My last post was cut off. All good cause I was rambling I think.  Anyway, from now on my counter will read no P, M, O, or edging.  This will raise my personal accountability and also before this forum.  I'm very close to letting this go completely I feel.  Just need to fake it day by day and be vigilant.  Like another poster today said, after a few weeks I get complacent.  I forget the harm this has done to me.  I hate that about me.  So everyday, I want to remember the harm PMO has caused so that I refresh my disgust and hatred for it daily. 
 
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notgivinup

Guest
Hey David....thanks for all you shared.

In all this...you are now focusing on taking care of yourself and doing the right things.

You can do it...and I believe that focusing on the reboot and getting that right...then the rest of life will come together as it should.

I'm glad you are here.

NGU
 
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