I have been staying with my friend who is here visiting. This was the one I mentioned I would be telling about the addiction. She was not only supportive, she was very thankful that I would confide in her. I had no idea that I would break down and cry, but I did. And I told her all of my feelings and she told me that everything makes sense now. It's almost like she knew I was struggling with, she just didn't know how deep and could now connect the dots on some of my past behaviors and current.
We have been talking these past few days about not the addiction, but where I am at, what is the current problem and how to move forward. We had a whole conversation about stressors and time perception. She said something that made sense. She shared that I am letting myself get stressed because of my perception of time, hitting a goal by a certain time. I realized that I had some obsession about how long I have not been viewing porn, which is not what matters, what matters is what am I doing now. It's not about hitting the milestone of being off porn, it's about accepting the changes and not putting a time stamp. Living in the now, doing the things now, working on building myself up now and that all this will add up. I need to stop worrying about tomorrow and where I will be. To trust that time heals, but to not think about how long the journey take.
I am grateful to have someone who has also offered to check in on me when we talk and has already told me of some resources. Although the day I was going to talk to her I tried to MO, I had a very hard time doing so, and then realized that I was feeling anxious about telling her; however, I am not reseting my MO tracker, because I still have all those days of progress, that shouldn't be erased, those days all count and I forgive the one day.
After revealing my deepest darkest secret now it's about getting myself off my mind. I have looked into a Life Coach and decided that may suite me better than a traditional counseling. Should I determine that counseling is needed then that's different, but I want to focus on the solutions. I am not who I was 10 years ago, so why not focus my efforts on just doing the things I need to do and love doing. I am letting go. So the porn affected me, well now I am porn free, working towards keeping myself that way and just continue forward.
I won't be on for a few days.
