53nomorepmo
Active Member
I am not sure where to begin, but I suppose a summary of the issue. I have used PMO on and off since around 1999 after my first wife died from cancer - and some before that time, but I don't think it was an issue (not frequent). I have a story with regard to porn that is very similar to all this age group. I found my first porn around the age of 12 or so. Back then Playboy was in the barber shop and pretty much everywhere. Then I found my dad's stash of more hardcore material Hustler, and some sort of medical hardcore sex magazine - you know porn pretending to be educational. I fapped to that for 4 years without being found out. Loved it. However, it was not really out of control. During my first marriage my wife was very much opposed to porn, but that didn't stop me from time to time sneaking away to beat it. I purchased the hardest magazine available, but it would be considered soft porn these days. I would say at that point it was intermittent and not a problem. My sex life with my first wife of 16 years, who I loved very much, was unadventurous, but regular, and I didn't really need much else. We did have issues, but that was long time ago.
I quickly remarried a women who was the most sexual person I have ever met, but she was also reckless and a sociopath. However, the sex especially the first year was something I had never experience in my life. We did everything including swapping partners (once). We filmed sex, "cammed" with couples on the Internet, and watched lots of porn during sex. I quickly became a porn addict, but also a sex addict. I got to tell you it was fantastic even if I knew logically I was going to pay a price for all the endorphin release. I had two wonderful girls (one with developmental issues) and divorced after this women became a full blown drug addict and alcoholic. So the price I paid for this adventure was extraordinarily high. In a way I was glad I had the sexual adventure of a life time. I don't regret that part at all.
Flash ahead a few years to my current relationship now in it's 7th year. I married a women who again had alcohol issues. This effected our sex life, and thanks to my previous experience with PMO and extreme sexual adventure I began to PMO as a substitute for real sex. Wife 3 now has her issues mostly under control, but I found that I had substituted my imaginary sex life to a rather extreme degree. I looked at porn everyday at work (I have my own business) before settling down to my job. I edged for 2 or 3 hours a day at times. Taking breaks (days off). Unlike many here until recently I was able to get it up for my wife when she wanted it, but I wasn't pursuing her. When we had sex I was often thinking about a porn flick. I was also so frequent in my PMO that I managed to embarrass myself at least 3 different times by getting caught. The last time by my 23 year old step daughter. The first time by my wife (who masturbates as well and was actually pretty good about it, other than following up on it to frequently with questions). Also I was overheard by a business associate and my business partner at least once each. I am in a very conservative line of work so this was not good. Like many here ED was beginning to be an issue, and I had trouble responding when my wife was pulling me into the bedroom. Basically it has become a full blown problem I wish to do without.
To be perfectly clear I have very little if any guilt about PMO. I actually think if it were not for the social issues, ED, and potential trade off for real sex I might no be concerned. However, it is a problem when you find yourself compulsively looking for a bigger and different fix. Even though I was straight I found myself drawn more into bisexual porn, and more extreme porn just to get a kick. I found myself on craigslist and even posted an ad thinking I might like to try every possible sex act I hadn't yet participated in, and some of it counter to my actual sexual preference. It occurred to me after a few months of this I was simply trying to get a fix. To continue the novelty of something new and I was risking my entire life to do it. I never acted on the real life compulsion, but felt that if I didn't stop I might well find myself doing something I would regret. So here I am.
I have not PMO'd in 10 days, and I already feel better. I am hoping this journal will provide me with the support I need to get my sex life back to what I expect it to be. My marriage isn't strong now, and I am not sure it will last, but this is actually about me. I am hoping that feeling better about myself and getting back in touch with my real sexual being will help my marriage (may not).
My wife's use of Zoloft and Xanax in addition to her alcohol use (more occasional now) has made sex a once a week or less event. As my sex drive is high, although misdirected IMO, my goal may be just to get to a point where occasional but healthy MO is needed. First I need to reboot, and I am guessing for me that may mean 90 days... No PMO, and very little if any MO. I will need all the help I can get. I talked to my wife about this generally and hope she can help.
I quickly remarried a women who was the most sexual person I have ever met, but she was also reckless and a sociopath. However, the sex especially the first year was something I had never experience in my life. We did everything including swapping partners (once). We filmed sex, "cammed" with couples on the Internet, and watched lots of porn during sex. I quickly became a porn addict, but also a sex addict. I got to tell you it was fantastic even if I knew logically I was going to pay a price for all the endorphin release. I had two wonderful girls (one with developmental issues) and divorced after this women became a full blown drug addict and alcoholic. So the price I paid for this adventure was extraordinarily high. In a way I was glad I had the sexual adventure of a life time. I don't regret that part at all.
Flash ahead a few years to my current relationship now in it's 7th year. I married a women who again had alcohol issues. This effected our sex life, and thanks to my previous experience with PMO and extreme sexual adventure I began to PMO as a substitute for real sex. Wife 3 now has her issues mostly under control, but I found that I had substituted my imaginary sex life to a rather extreme degree. I looked at porn everyday at work (I have my own business) before settling down to my job. I edged for 2 or 3 hours a day at times. Taking breaks (days off). Unlike many here until recently I was able to get it up for my wife when she wanted it, but I wasn't pursuing her. When we had sex I was often thinking about a porn flick. I was also so frequent in my PMO that I managed to embarrass myself at least 3 different times by getting caught. The last time by my 23 year old step daughter. The first time by my wife (who masturbates as well and was actually pretty good about it, other than following up on it to frequently with questions). Also I was overheard by a business associate and my business partner at least once each. I am in a very conservative line of work so this was not good. Like many here ED was beginning to be an issue, and I had trouble responding when my wife was pulling me into the bedroom. Basically it has become a full blown problem I wish to do without.
To be perfectly clear I have very little if any guilt about PMO. I actually think if it were not for the social issues, ED, and potential trade off for real sex I might no be concerned. However, it is a problem when you find yourself compulsively looking for a bigger and different fix. Even though I was straight I found myself drawn more into bisexual porn, and more extreme porn just to get a kick. I found myself on craigslist and even posted an ad thinking I might like to try every possible sex act I hadn't yet participated in, and some of it counter to my actual sexual preference. It occurred to me after a few months of this I was simply trying to get a fix. To continue the novelty of something new and I was risking my entire life to do it. I never acted on the real life compulsion, but felt that if I didn't stop I might well find myself doing something I would regret. So here I am.
I have not PMO'd in 10 days, and I already feel better. I am hoping this journal will provide me with the support I need to get my sex life back to what I expect it to be. My marriage isn't strong now, and I am not sure it will last, but this is actually about me. I am hoping that feeling better about myself and getting back in touch with my real sexual being will help my marriage (may not).
My wife's use of Zoloft and Xanax in addition to her alcohol use (more occasional now) has made sex a once a week or less event. As my sex drive is high, although misdirected IMO, my goal may be just to get to a point where occasional but healthy MO is needed. First I need to reboot, and I am guessing for me that may mean 90 days... No PMO, and very little if any MO. I will need all the help I can get. I talked to my wife about this generally and hope she can help.