Re-Boot Camp Journal

[KennyPrester]

It's often been the same with me, honestly. And often centered around either 1. a girl I met, flirted with, or who flirted with me, or 2. a celebrity/actress.

I'd be turned on to the image, then go online to find images of her or resembling her. Then find porn stars resembling her, and the rest would be history.

I started to obsess on the way home from a business trip last weekend over a blonde who was sort of flirting with me, who may have thought I was sort of flirting with her when I was making conversation. But I stopped. I think she got pissed off when I didn't offer for her to sit with me.

But push comes to shove in two areas for me: 1. honesty in online searching, honesty with myself and my accountability partner; and 2. not allowing porn mind, porn "movies" that I produce, direct, cast, maybe even co-star in--not allowing these to play in my imagination.

So I get out my phone (not hooked up to internet, by choice, for now), use the calculator function, and figure out how many hours it's been since I've been freed from porn, since I last used.

And I think, I really don't want to mess that up. I want that number (a big number, since it's in hours) to get bigger and bigger. I want to be more and more FREE!

It also helps me to get very, very still, watch what my emotions are, ask myself what I really want, then pray for the woman whose image I was wanting to use. I suppose alternatively, you might imagine yourself wishing her a happy life, giving her a knuckle bomb, then yourself walking off into the sunset a hero, as the credits roll...

But yeah, the brain will latch onto very specific images, very innocent even, to get leverage for dopamine. I don't know how many times I've gone from children's films (with hot babes, maybe playing the mom or whatever) to soft core (with the same babes nude) to hard core and PMO. And often, just before O, I would switch back from hard core to the "legitimate" actress's pic. Especially if she is a redhead.

The brain leverages what it can leverage.

But we are more than our brains.

 

[Punk Monk]

Thanks, Kenny!

You don't know what a relief it is to know it's not just me. 

What you described is exactly the way I handled my fantasies.  For a time, I exclusively focused on women who resembled my wife. I'd lied to myself that it would actually help with the real deal.  Don't need to tell you how spectacularly that failed.

Lately, thanks to all of you and the YBOP site, I now recognize this as the brain wanting its dopa mine rush.  So I detach and almost treat it like a small child, telling it "I know what you're up to, and it won't work. Let's do something else instead."

You're right, we are more than our brains.

 

[Punk Monk]

Having a tough day.

My wife became severely underweight while she was drinking. I attribute this to poor habits she acquired when she was drunk (passing out, skipping meals, no exercise, etc...). About a month ago her doctor put her on a program that has her gaining about a pound a week. So at least we're trending in the right direction. Keep this mind, it's important for later.

Tuesdays, my wife goes to her AA meeting while I attend an Al-Anon meeting across the hall. Afterwards we go out to dinner and make a "date night" out of it. Tonight, there was a very attractive woman in our meeting. She bore a striking resemblance to a famous swimsuit model from the 70's. I made it through half the meeting before my mind started thinking about all the ways I'd have sex with her. I had to force myself to focus (which I did eventually).

Worse still, I became irritable with my wife (which she noticed at dinner). This woman was fit and well built and healthy...all the things my wife isn't right now. At one time, my wife had been slim, toned and fit. She used to do yoga, run and eat healthily.

Since I'm still wired for visual stimuli, the fact that she's not like that now has caused a weird aversion to her in me right now.

And I want so much to Google pictures of the swimsuit model and masturbate hard. Or even call up a visual of the woman in the meeting.

I feel angry, creepy and ashamed.

But hey! At least I haven't PMO'ed...yet.

 

[KennyPrester]

Hey Punkmonk,

Been there! The women I run into at various places become, often, the catalyst for looking for porn replacement, then soft core, then hard core, and so it goes.

But behind it, or with it, there is often some secret anger or resentment. I've dealt with a lot of it, and gotten much better at handling anger. But sometimes, it moves more quickly than I do.

The STAR protocol--Stop and assess what's going on, Take a few deep breaths, Ask yourself what you really want, Respond in a healthy way--has helped me a lot with urges to P and M. But what I need, is to practice it with anger, and boredom, and resentment, and depression. Because when these emotions get the better of me, porn-lust sneaks up behind while I'm not in the zone and takes over.

Sounds like this might help in your situation as well...

 

[Punk Monk]

Hey KP,

Thanks for the great advice! And again, for letting me know that I'm not alone out there in the mental soup of reboot.

One thing I'm starting to notice is what a ping-pong/seesaw/pendulum/yo-yo (hell...pick a metaphor!) my emotions are going through.

I seem to oscillate between the complete objectification of women (looking for a way to "use them" for my own gratification) and seeing them as beautifully fully realized spiritual beings. I know that's corny...but I AM Punk Monk!

The day after I typed my post on the 29th, I had a wonderful day with my wife. We went out to brunch, hit a local shopping village and just had a great day together.  We laughed, joked and shared stories about each other's struggles.  I looked at her with, not just my eyes, but my heart and knew without a doubt why I married her.

And I found that incredibly arousing...but in a healthy way.

Who cares if she doesn't look like an airbrushed photoshopped image of a famous actress? There's more to the male/female dynamic than that. And I look forward to exploring that in the real world.

Side note: I had the most amazing dream this morning about making love to (note: not 'having sex with") my wife. And of course, I woke up with a hard on the size of Florida!

I think that's my cue to give the real thing a try. It's been almost five weeks since we've been physical. The longest we've gone in the past was five days! I'll just set he bar low. Whatever happens happens. Goes back to Kenny's idea about getting intimate without intercourse. If it goes further, great. If it doesn't, well that's cool too.

 

[Jimbo]

Punk Monk's going in!! Good luck man!

 

[Punk Monk]

Great day!

I saw. I CAME! But I did not necessarily conquer.

I was looking for the right time to make my move, when my wife disappeared into the bedroom and came out with nothing on but the radio (and hot pair of panties!).

"How did you know?!" I asked.

"What are you talking about," she said. "We haven't done it in a long time and I'm really horny!"

I love my girl!

It was awesome! I haven't feel so "in the moment" and connected with her in a long time! And I'm happy to report the Little Monk knew exactly what to do and did it well!

However, I just couldn't get to the "point of no return". I was close. I could feel it. So...I resorted to a little mental trickery to get me there. Not porn. Not exactly. I was still thinking of my wife. But in my head she was saying and doing certain things that she doesn't normally do or say.

In the end, I got there. But I wouldn't characterize this as a "reboot" since I still had to go into my head to get off.

I also noticed my load seemed a little light. You would think after 40 days of nada, the pressure build up would shoot her across the room.

Full disclosure: I'm taking Proscar (finesteride...same as Propecia) because I'm vain and my hair has started thinning at the crown. One of the side effects is supposed to be "decreased semen volume".  Wondering if that's it or if it's still a side effect of the PIED. Either way. I'll feel it out. If it persists, I may just stop the meds.

I shared with my wife everything I'm sharing with you guys. Her response? "Well, we'll just have to have sex more."

I love my girl!

 

[Jimbo]

Awesome! High five bro! I don't think you're out of the woods yet tho. But I got to give credit where it's due.

 

[Punk Monk]

Looks like I'm two for two and going strong!

Both my wife's and my schedule have been crazy busy this week. But we finally found a little chill time to GET busy today!

I'm happy to report that everything worked like a champ! I had a mini-Florida in my pants the second her lips touched mine! So, looks like the ED is DOA (knocking furiously on my wooden desk as I type this, though).

It was fun and exciting and wonderful. But I did find myself worrying about the "Second Time Curse".  Seems like a lot of us get a little performance anxiety after a successful launch which causes a set back the second time around.

And I definitely felt the anxiety creeping in (along with the subtle effect south of the border). However, a shift of focus from my head to my beautiful partner got all systems back on track. And I was able to orgasm to both our satisfaction!

Still battling a little bout of DE, though. Can't quite seem to get to the point of no return without a little visual of my wife. But this time I didn't hold the image too long and was quickly able to get into the moment and let it happen. Next time, I won't force the issue and instead spend more time getting HER off.

Also concerned about the size of my load. Although my wife seems to think it was pretty healthy shot, it just felt...different. When I mentioned this to her, she wondered if perhaps a "porn" ejaculation felt different to me than a "normal" one. Could be...

I also realized I'd developed a bad habit from my porn days. Back then, when we did it (and she was drinking), I'd "reward" myself for ejaculating by doing a little PMO later. Had that urge again today.

But it was easy to remember how much better the real thing is.

 

[Kurall_Creator]

Sounds like you have successfully rebooted!

I was talking to my SO about how awesome this community really is, when people come here, everybody wants to help them out - and by the end of it, when we have rebooted, we help the newbies, and both help each other!

I love this dynamic community, always changing, always growing, always focused!

 

[Punk Monk]

Thanks, Kurall.

Not sure I'm completely there yet. When I have a healthy attitude towards sex and masturbation, I'll consider myself 100% rebooted.

Still have a couple of issues to work through, but I'm definitely on the right track.

Yeah, this community is incredible! Never would have been able to get this far without the wisdom and support of all the people on this site.

 

[bob]

Punk Munk,

Just got through your journal. Sounds like you are doing great and that you have a wonderful woman on your hands! More power to you during this whole reboot process.

One thing I wanted to mention. And I have to tell you I am amazed that I would even  consider writing this down. I guess it shows how honest one can be in this type of environment. Anyway, as stupid as this sounds; here it goes.

In the past couple of years I got to the point where I had little to no ejaculate upon O. Some would always come out afterwards but not much. I though it was directly related to PMO so I was excited to see if it would increase during the reboot. However, I didn't see much improvement, least not I could tell. I do feel a difference when I finish off inside my wife but I am not really sure that is really a sign of increased production. The times I MO (about 5 days ago) I binged so it was hard to tell during that time.

Would love to hear if this is unusual or not. Think I might mention it to my Dr. when I get a physical. Kind of miss it. If it isn't a problem I'm not to worried about it.

 

[Punk Monk]

Been on the road this week and man, was it tough!

That used to be primo spank time since I had the whole room to myself. And I admit, I snatched a quick look at some pictures of a former digital playmate (not porn and no nudity). But through sheer will (and a minor miracle), I managed to move passed it. I reminding myself how amazing sex with my wife has been lately, which motivated me to save those urges for the real thing.

I would have loved to have made love to my wife when I got home. But unfortunately, her "Monthly Friend" came for a visit and the Candy Store is closed until Sunday.

And as if that weren't bad enough, a certain quarterback with a certain supermodel wife has been in the news lately. This supermodel was once one of my go to digital playmates so her pictures are everywhere. Bikini shots, yoga pants, lingerie. Crap...some of that stuff is worse than porn!

It was tough, but I resisted and am still PMO free.

However, I found myself getting snippy and impatient with my wife today. There was no real reason for it. We were having a pleasant enough conversation and I just needled her about something. I passed it off as not having had my morning coffee and she didn't seem to worry much about it.

But it bugged me. And after a little introspection, I realized I was a) going through a bit of withdrawal after tempting myself with those pictures and b) angry and resentful at my wife for not looking like them.

This is why I still don't feel I've completely "Rebooted".  Even though I seem to have the ED and PMO under control, there are still some lingering side effects.

Hopefully, a good does of The Real Thing will chase away the need for fantasy...

 

[Punk Monk]

Bob,

I wonder if the decreased production is just a sign age. I still like to think of myself as that virile 20 year old (or even 30 year old!) who could hit the ceiling with my "issue" (as George R. R. Martin calls it in the "Game of Thrones" books).  That definitely took a dive when I hit 40.

When I noticed it, I started doing some research and the most doctors will tell you that volume of ejaculate or pressure has little to do with actual fertility (or health). Curious to hear if your doctor has anything different to say.

Like I said before, my wife says she feels a decent load...so maybe it's just a perception thing.

Oh and...welcome to the Reboot Nation!

 

[Punk Monk]

Well, today was a strange one.

My wife finally "opened the store" after her "monthly visitor" had packed her red luggage and left. That was goodness! However, she was in a crappy mood due to some external stuff going on.

I thought a little nookie might cheer her up and we went for it. But she wasn't her usual cheerful self. That and my performance anxiety due to the late night Google searches messed with my head.

We were off to a great start! And I had a mini Florida in my shorts. But my confidence started to fade. So did my erection.  I went soft just before going in. However, I saw this beautiful woman lying there, and with a few strokes...I was back in business!

This time, however, I came WAY too quickly. We were both very surprised.  Again, it didn't have that explosive feeling. But my wife assured me there was plenty of stuff left over when I was done.

So, to sum up; just another reminder that I haven't rebooted yet and to stay away from sexy pictures. And apparently, my delayed ejaculation is cured!

 

[Jimbo]

I have noticed that the duration of the activity varies for me. One day I'm having the 2 hour marathon and the next I'm the 2 pump chump (not quite that bad but climaxing quicker then intended). Not sure what the deal is but I know what the answer is not. These appear to be turbulent times. Stay the course. Im sure we will "regulate" soon.

 

[Punk Monk]

L.T.D,

Thanks, man.

Yep, I think that's exactly what it is. Our systems are "regulating". There's some sensory and hormonal ping-ponging that's bound to happen as we even out. It's the body returning to normal as it adjusts to functioning without excessive outside stimuli.

I'm not worried. At least I'm three for three so far!

 

[Punk Monk]

So, we're four for four so far! 

It's not like we plan to get it on every Sunday. That seems to be the only time we're not swamped or tired.  But we did it again. Everything worked as it should have. And it was wonderful.

However...

Once again, I had to go into my head a bit to get to the point of no return (PNR). Still thinking of my wife, but imagining certain fantasy situations with her.  It's not for long, and once I get there I can orgasm. But this means I'm still not fully in my body.

Today, it did feel different. More explosive...which seems to validate my theory that the "porn" release is different than the "normal" release.

I think it's because slid on the wagon a bit. I'm still on it, mind you. But my footing is less than solid.

I Googled a few pictures of a former digital playmates this week. Nothing sexy or even soft core...just typed in her name. But naturally there are bound to be some provocative images associated with an attractive female celeb.

So, I think I'm going to reset my counter and not willfully search out images of sexy celebs.

This should be the final component of 100% Successful Reboot.

Stay tuned...

 

[Punk Monk]

Whew! Been a tough one.  Seems like the media (both print and online) are just conspiring to make things difficult.

Ever day there's some sexy, provocative picture of some famous woman; "so-and-so's bangin' bikini body!", "such-and-such model's sexy selfie", "look at her provocative photo shoot"...

And if I see one more freaking Kardashian picture (I'm not attracted to them...I just wish they'd fucking stop!)

But, things seem to be holding out. Had a bit of a bout yesterday when some celeb had her vacation bikini pictures all over the internet. It was a bit like showing an alcoholic constant streaming pictures of an awesome wine.

Fortunately, I'm getting through it by remembering how much better the real thing is than the fantasy (and yes, I realize how lucky I am in this respect). When I was fantasizing about the celeb du jour, I immediately started thinking about my wife and how I could creatively spice up our play time. This seemed like a more constructive use of the imagination.

Call it "Redirection of erection!"  ;D

 

[Punk Monk]

Welp, first misfire in a month.  And I'm kind of bummed. But I knew that I hadn't fully rebooted so this is just further proof that there's work to be done.

On the plus side, I think the PIED has been cured.  Now I just have to work on finishing the job.

I'm still too cued to visual imagery. And I'm not quite ready to deviate from the familiar.  This afternoon, we were sort of in a hurry so we thought we'd get a quickie in.

The missus came out all in her Birthday Suit Glory.  But see, I really like seeing her in certain...clothes. The fact that she wasn't presenting the visual I liked coupled with the feeling of being rushed impacted things a little.

While I was able to get it up, I instantly went into my head so I could ejaculate. And of course, the more I did that, the harder it became to get to the point of no return. And after awhile, I just went soft...resigning myself to the fact that it wasn't going to happen.

The Missus was gracious as usual and promised we'd try again.

But all I want to do right now is look at pictures of naked supermodels and jack off when she goes to her class tonight.

Instead, I'm going to relax, take a nice long hot bath...and take her up on her offer when she gets home.

Wish me luck.