I could have given up but didn't

[Dareius]

Hey Sunborn,

I ll have to think about a longer answer here. But one thing I am most certain about, is that runnnig away from your feelings, no matter how bad you got hurt will NOT work. You can distract yourself but than the problems will constantly become bigger until you have to face them again. Meditate if you arent alrdy doing it.

Love is totally not a waste of time. And the fact that you enjoy the company of this girl, just talking with her as you said is great. I can understand the pain you are having in some ways. Dont give up hope man.

Cheers Dareius, I ll write again.

 

[sunborn]

Thanks for the support guys. It's always refreshing to see you drop buy and share some of your thoughts.

Mtaha2015, I disagree with you. I think your perspective is severely limiting. We need to stop self-medicating our selves when we feel discomfort or pain. Yes, it can lead to porn. Thats why we have to FEEL the pain. Not run from it. Ofcourse, if we are not prepared or ready to face the pain yet, then its better to run until we are. But the goal is to reach a point where we become vulnerable and completely open for life. Pain is a part of living. It has its place in life just as joy.

Dareius, cheers. I understand this as well. Thanks for your words.




Hey guys, I'm in on day 8 again. And now edging this time. Going strong. A lot of things are working in my life right now. After sunday's emotional breakdown I feel lighter and stronger. I'm confident I came in touch with some old emotional luggage and was able to release it. Because of this, I feel more loving than before. It's a pleasant feeling.

Feels like different parts of my life are flowing well. I just signed a contract for a new flat and will be moving in a few weeks. I've been hoping for this opportunity to come for some time no, so I'm incredibly thankful for my desire becoming a reality. I love my new job. I get to create a lot of cool stuff and have a lot of fun. I also feel more motivated to take up old hobbies I used to have a long time ago, like life drawing. I am really starting to feel excited about building a better life. And I can't remember feeling it to this extent before. Right now I want to manifest more confidence in my life, as well as integrity. I also want to surround myself with more creativity and beauty. Be it people, activities, or whatever wants to come. I'll leave that open.

Keep on going strong.

 

[sunborn]

Mekka, sorry didn't see your post. Thanks. I agree with you. Deciding to give up porn and build a better life for ourselves is an act of self-love. And the more we are able to love ourselves, the more we can love another. Good look to you on your journey towards love.

 

[whitewolffed]

Sunborn,

Just wanted to drop in and say hi. I am inspired by your story and progress. At different points in my addiction and recovery I've felt many of the same things you have. It's so mind blowing to me how similar this journey can be for each of us, and yet how individual and personal.

I don't have much to say, just congrats on 11 days and I want to let you know that you're THE man. I look forward to continuing to see your progress.

 

[sunborn]

Thanks man, I'm glad to hear that. One of the most important things about sharing our experiences is that we become mirrors for each other. It shows us that we are not alone, and that what we thought we were the only one's experiencing we in fact face share with many. It's very healing. Thanks for the encouragement!


Hey everyone. I'm in on day 14/15. Really starting to experience some edging now. Been looking at porn for two days. Not masturbation or Orgasm though. But the fact that I end up there tells me I need to re-focus. Part of me wants to give in to it and just.. have a blast you know. Another part of me wants to leave it behind. I'm proud though. When I make it past tomorrow I will have broken my past record of 15 days. For me it will be a tremendous victory. For the past 13 years I haven't been able to abstain from PMO for more than that.. Once I make it past 16 days my next goal will be 21.

Other than that my life is pretty good right now. Getting into my new routines at work, although it's tiresome. I spend 4 hours every day on travelling which is very draining. Good thing is I will move soon and cut that travelling time down to two and a half. Started finding time to hit the gym in the evenings even when travelling like this, which feels good. I really need to pick up on meditation again though. I've been neglecting that. Part of my edging is because my mind is undisciplined. As soon as a thought appears I follow it when I know with daily meditation I will build the focus and awareness to leave it be.

Over-all I'm happy with the progress. See you later.

 

[sunborn]

Hey guys. I reached my goal of 16 days yesterday. Feels great! though I have been edging a lot lately. I find myself clicking in on sites, clicking through a movie or two. Not spending more than a few minutes there until leaving. This kind of behavior is really risky I know. Trying to put energy into things I know will help me, like meditation.

I just set a new goal for 21 days.. it's tough right now, but I blieve I can make it.

I went out clubbing and dancing yesterday and I've noticed some interesting changes. Firstly, getting eye-contact with girls isn't as scary as it used to be. I used to kinda be uncomfortable doing it before, but now it feels more natural. I started wanting to have eye-contact which was fun.
Secondly, I faced my fear of walking up to girls and saying hi. Had some conversation throughout the night with different girls. Just vibing and having a good time. It was nice. I think I'm a more social and confident guy now than I used to be. Can't really say why, as I haven't been talking to girls. I wouldn't be surprised if abstaining from PMO plays a part in it. I've read a lot of accounts of rebooting and  guys mention these things as benefits.

I've also been more emotionally unstable and needy, which I'm not proud of. I have this part of me that reacts like a hurt little boy, and that part of me came out today with my ex. But I guess I have to accept that as reality too. Sometimes I'm not the man I want to be. I'm trying to learn from it and be more authentic and loving.

Until next time.

 

[sunborn]

Hey guys, keeping it short as I am on my way to bed. I fell back into the habit two days ago after having an 18 day streak (new record!). I had been edging for days by then so wasn't too surprised when it happened. As I write I feel I'm back on track again and moving forward. I'm taking this progress in small steps, gradually moving on, from a week to many, to a month, to many.

I dropped by in zaraki888's journal and he said that in the end, a goal of reaching many days in the future is an illusion. All that is is here and now. It was a good reminder, and I agree with him. I try to adopt this too.

The way I see it.. that I could go 18 days without PMO is amazing. I used to be in a place where I couldnt go A DAY without doing it a few times. It was completely compulsive. In that sense I am no longer addicted. Now it's just habitual.. I get sexual sensations that I haven't learned to handle in better ways, and I have a brain that is dependent on the surge of dopamine. But using it as a coping mechanism is a thing of the past. I'm proud to have come this far, and I firmly believe I can keep on seperating myself from this habit until it's replaced.

I also feel a lot of powerful healing going on in my life at the moment. During the weekend I went to a breathing workshop where we as a group worked with, and experienced, a technique called rebirthing. It was one of the most energetically powerful experiences I have had. I could feel old old energies deep in my being come up to the surface and be released. I used to have a lot of tension in my chest, but for the first time for as long as I can remember I felt soft in my chest. The sensation was close to gaining a new sense, like, hard to describe unless you haven't experienced a sensation you have no former reference to. It was as if I took my first breath. Like, really, my first breath. It was so mindblowing to feel that softness in my chest.

I feel this is something I need to do again, so waiting for the right time. Also feeling a resonance with exploring tantric practices. I came in contact with a woman who does tantric massage professionally, and she invited me to contact her if I felt it was something for me. I'm also thinking of doing that as the moment presents itself. I see a lot of potential to come in contact with my sexuality and sexual fears in that.
take care.

 

[sunborn]

slipped today. Gotta refocus and get back on track.

 

[whitewolffed]

Sunborn, my man...

This is no doubt the hardest and worst part of trying to kick the habit. You've just done the best you've EVER done in your life. But, for whatever reason, you slipped back into it. Now you're trying to get back on the horse, but for some reason, it's so much harder than you think it should be. I know exactly where you're at! I don't have the same background as you... but I know how dark and helpless it can feel to relapse time and time again right after a successful run. It hurts... It hurts your spirit, it hurts your motivation and it hurts your confidence... the confidence you gained in your 16 days. The confidence that you can beat this. Well, I've got good news for you. You CAN beat this! You WILL! Be patient with yourself and your mistakes. Be patient with your weaknesses. The only time making a mistake beats you is when you don't learn a lesson from it. Think really hard on all the reasons why you failed this time. Think about what factors played a roll in your life... Too much time away from meditation? Too much stress from school, work or other relationships? Whatever it was. Now, analyze those factors, and make sure the next time they start playing a role in your wanting to act out... edge, PMO, whatever... Do something about it! Change it! They say insanity is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. What do you need to change to make this work for you? You can do this sunborn. This is, no doubt, the hardest part of quitting. Getting back on the horse. You have to do it. Like you said, stay in the here and now. This isn't about 21 or 16 days right now. This is about getting through this half hour. Then the next. Then the next hour. Until you finally go to sleep. Then it's all about the next day. And you move on. You WILL move on. You have more self control than this. You CAN and WILL defeat your inner demons! Get back on that horse and don't look back again, not for one second!!

 

[sunborn]

Thanks for the encouraging words man. It means a lot. Powerful words. Really spot on taking an honest look at what led up to it and what I've been neglecting. I haven't given myself time to meditate regularly anymore, nor have I taken care of myself physically.

I just moved this weekend, and am starting to build a new home for myself. I've been living at my dad's for the past two-and-a-half years so it's huge step. I feel I can really become my own man now as I have to take full responsibility for my life now. Can't fall back on the complacency as I could at home. Because of this I feel stronger. I have to be if I want to build a new life. I hope this is a good momentum I can keep up now that I am filling my life with activities I enjoy. Started to work out regularly, and as I live in a big city now I can easily meet up with friends also these past 4 days I haven't even been close to edging. Been too busy with moving and stuff.
I think the challenge will be once I settle down and old habits start creeping back. But when that comes I will be ready.
Until next time guys. Take care.

 

[sunborn]

Hey guys, how's it going?

Much has happened since last time. I'm up in 9 days which feels good. Getting some cravings now and then but otherwise its quite good. Also started edging once two days ago, but could let go of it. Right now I'm going through some major life-changes. I moved to a completely new city, and it's the first time I have my own flat, which is both intimidating but also emancipating. I feel responsible for my life in a way I couldn't before. If I want stuff to work I have to make it work. I am in control of my life.

I see it as a possibility to develop new skills and fill my life up with things I couldnt do before. I've started a regular gym-routine, going 2 days a week now but aiming for 3. Also doing activities outside of work. When I lived at home before I didn't have any time or energy left to things, so I ended up sitting at the computer a lot, playing games. Empty enjoyment. I am looking forward to taking care of my body. I feel its one of the keys to lasting success and health.

anyhow, gotta run. Just wanted to give a short update. Hope you're all doing well! Keep up the work.

 

[Dareius]

Hey man,

good to hear that you made that big step. Having your own home gives you more responsibility in all areas which can be a good thing. How are you doing in the gym so far ?
As you I m also struggling with wasting my time on the internet. Did you get a hold of the empty enjoyment ?

About the relapse you seem to have had. Relapses suck ass man, yet they happen. The chaser effect is always there, dont give up or beat yourself up dude.

Cheers Dareius

 

[sunborn]

Thanks. I'm starting to get hold of the empty enjoyment. I spend more time drawing and doing other things I enjoy. Hitting the gym also feels good. I'm getting into routine. On average hitting 2 days a week, but aiming to get a 3rd day so I get a complete workout. Thanks for dropping by.


It's been a while since I wrote. Today I feel kinda crappy. Just so sad. These past days have been such an emotional rollercoaster.. I keep on coming in contact with my sexual shame and I don't know what to do about it. I am single, and I want to build the kind of life I can feel proud of. Part of it is having a sexually active life. I love women and I love sex. But I don't get out there to get it. I am terrified of flirting. I feel bad for putting myself out there and going for what I want. I feel I don't have a right to flirt with a girl. I feel like I'm constantly held back. When I am out and partying and I see an attractive woman that I get a connection with, I bail. I deny us the meeting we could have had. Whether it be conversation, a kiss, or more. I'm also in a state where I feel like I don't want to get out there and get it. I think it's one of the symptoms of the addiction right? that we dont want to meet women, dont feel like it etc.

fuck.. confusing time right now. This too will pass, but damn. I feel lost.

 

[sunborn]

So I had this crazy energy-release sunday night. I've never experienced anything like it before.

Me and my ex have had a sexual relationship going on after we broke up. It's been open, and felt so good. It's as if we kept all the good things from our relationship, and got rid of all the flaws. One week ago she started seeing another guy though, and the realization hit me hard. It brought up all my old patterns, and I've spent the past few days feeling really sorry for myself. I have feelings of worthlessness, fears of being abandoned and not being needed by her anymore, loneliness.. I was supposed to be her special guy, but now I'm nothing etc. etc. .. all that kind of bullshit!!
We talked about it yesterday and she told me how she enjoys his company and what a good guy he is. I'm truly happy for her. I love her, and wish her the best in life. However, I don't love myself.. so hearing that was just a punch to the heart.. After we hung up I literally lost my mind and broke down on the floor, crying and crying until I could hardly breathe anymore. I felt such intense nausea that I had to crawl to the bathroom and puke.

I have read about energypurges through ayahuasca and other substances, and that it's common to throw up during the process. But I never imagined it could be triggered through pure emotion. The way I view it though is that it was a purge. I carried so much negative shitty energy in me I literally had to throw up to get it out. Afterwards I felt so bad.. but I made a promise to myself. In a moment of clarity I called for Archangel Michael and asked him to be my witness. And I promised myself that I will cut through all of this bullshit. That from now on I will start loving myself and cutting through the remaining layers of fear to get there. Fuck I'm getting so tired of all this shit. I'm a spiritual and intuitive person, and I am open for all these experiences. I understand that I on a soul level chose to incarnate at this time to work through this karmic energy in order to release it and shine some light on the world. But fuck.. the pain. Getting sick and tired of it.

Anyhow. Fuck porn. Lets all get better. The world needs strong men like us.

 

[Dareius]

Hey Sunborn,

sounds like you are going through ALOT atm. Just keep digging man, you got this, fuck porn for real. I do understand you in many ways, cause I experience/d them aswell. Yet it will get better.

And as you say, we choose to incarnate here, we chose the situations in order to heal our soul/clear old karma. It all has sense behind it. The biggest pain can be your greatest healing device. On the one hand the pain helps to heal you, teach you lessons that bring out your true self and make you stronger, yet they also SUCK HARD at times. REALLLY HARD. But w/e fuck it, just keep on trucking.

I like your spiritual nature. I myself am very open minded to all of this. One thing that helped me to get on the right path was Reiki - google it, its a healing energy with which you can heal yourself and others. There should be teachers near your place. It helps to heal your body/emotional body and much more probably which no human really understands I guess.

Stay strong Sunborn, it will be alright
Good times Dareius

 

[sunborn]

Hey guys.

So, me and my ex ended our sexual relationship. We talked about it yesterday. I totally understand, but it's so confusing for me. I have all these vague ideas about things.. what does sex mean? is sex intimacy? is sex love? because she doesn't want to have sex with me anymore, does that mean she doesn't love me? or.. because she wants to have sex with "him", does that mean she loves him?
I realize I never grew up with a healthy, grounded understanding of sexual expression. In my religious community sex was THE most sinful and shameful human expression. I dont think discovering it as a 9year old through porn was particularly good for my emotional development or my understanding of sexual intimacy.. So I crated all these ideas of sex to find some sort of safety and identity.

Anyhow. I told her that I love her, but need to take a step back to figure things out. I still have strong feelings for her, and it would just get painful to keep on spending time with her as we have had. Trying to get what I cannot get would just make me suffer. I feel I'm making new discoveries in myself. Very important discoveries of my patterns in relationships and sexual expression. I'll write about them later when I have more time.

Also, I've decided to take control of my healing process and stop waiting for it to "happen". In a few weeks time I am going to a 3-day intense breathing workshop. It's by the same person that arranged the workshop I wrote about a few months back. I think it will be incredibly powerful and healing. I might re-emerge a transformed person.
Beyond that I have decided to try tantric healing massage, and have booked time at a center. When I read about it it's as if someone showed my myself. This is where I hope to find my true healing because I feel that all my life-challenges now are tied together with me being limited in my sexual energy and sexual expression.
Sexual energy is THE force of life. How can we claim our power as creators of our lives if this energy does not flow? For many years now I've been working on re-creating my life and stuff, and I've learned the tools I need, but I'm still not "getting it". I think it's because I still haven't claimed my sexual power. So yeah. Time to claim that shit.

 

[sunborn]

hey,

ended up having a binge during the weekend. Kinda fell into the gray zone of just succumbing to my urges. As I write now I feel tired and exhausted. I have that post-pmo emptiness after having emptied myself too much. I know it will pass in a few days.. I'm kinda feeling alone and isolated at the moment. Just talked to a friend but still feel lonely. So to fight that feeling I'm writing here. It feels better to name my experience and share it. Breaks the isolation.

I'm going for a walk soon. Take in some sunlight and fresh air. Think thats what I need. Take care.

 

[sunborn]

Still feeling the heaviness from the binge. Finding it hard to focus at work.. also having a lot of sorry feelings for myself. Thinking of my ex, getting stuck in thoughts of why she doesn't want to sleep with me anymore etc. Trying to not let the thoughts establish themselves to the extent where I repeat them. Breaking the cycle with distraction is important. Going to hit the gym when I come home after work.. it will help me find my body again.

 

[sunborn]

Yesterday I took a risk and shared one of my first spiritual experiences on facebook. I was so nervous before posting it. I was afraid of being ridiculed and rejected. But after posting it I felt such a relief. This is my truth. I have to reveal myself to the world as I am. The response was beautiful. People have been reaching out to me thanking for sharing, saying it touched them. Gave them something. Helped them. We believe our truth will scare people away.. but it is always the oposite. Our truth opens doors for all the beauty to come to us.

It's day 4 since my last relapse. So far I feel balanced and focused. No edging. Just presence.

take care.

 

[sunborn]

damnit.. just relapsed. First thing I did when I came home was go sit at the computer, even if I felt tired and knew I needed rest. From now on I'll give myself time to wind down properly when I come home. No computer immediately..