I could have given up but didn't

[sunborn]

Change is the new constant. I keep hearing it. And recent events in my life just solidify that.. last week I was told I won't be hired after my internship which was a bit disappointing. I see it as a great possibility though. This means that life wants to prepare me for something else. Something better. I've started looking for some new jobs now, and I'm open to moving abroad. I have a feeling this will turn out really good.

What else.. I got sick last week. Spent a few days getting better. Often when I weak and exhausted I turn to porn. It's my coping mechanism.. the old habit is really strong. Positive is that the habit is growing weaker, even if I keep on falling back into it. I haven't been able to go to the gym either or go out dancing. Which sucks. My body has been really restless. I feel good enough to go tomorrow though. Looking forward to getting back on track! Next week I'm doing some rebirthing sessions again which I've been looking forward to a lot. I think I'll be able to heal more deep parts of me.

Coolest thing though! I'm meeting a girl this week. I guess you could call it a date? haha. Shit. I'm scared. It's been more than a year since I went on a date with a new girl. But I'm doing it! we met at a rave a few weeks ago and danced and kissed a bit. It was nice. We have been talking on and off since then. We seem to have a lot in common. She is also a person who has done a lot of inner healing work, and has a spiritual outlook on life. I'm curious to see how it will be to get together. My inner child feels threatened of the possibility for connection. I keep on getting thoughts like "but what if we end up actually liking each other, I don't want that.. it's to risky letting her in". I try to honor this part of me. The pain I have felt in the past has been very real. But it's not where I am today.. these patterns have to go, but the only way to set them free is to dive into them.

The person I was one year ago would never have been able to go on this date. He would just run away. I've grown so much in one year. Who knows. In one year's time I might be free from porn.

We'll see how it goes haha.

 

[chrisguy9017]

Hi,

Almost the exact same situation. I am 25 years old as well and I started at 13 or 14. At first it didn't seem to affect much, I still had relationships. But sometime after 19 I stopped even trying for a significant partner longer than one night stands until I stopped looking for girls altogether. At 22 I remember trying to have sex unsuccessfully and not really caring either way. Really I'm just hoping its not too late for me.

I am a month in with no porn or masturbation, hitting the gym in my spare time and just being more productive in life. Met a girl she doesn't mind me not being able to have sex, I'm still  not sure I believe her because I mind a lot.

I just hope my sex drive will return and that its not too late for me.

Good luck to you @Sunborn

 

[sunborn]

@chrisguy9017
Hey man, thanks for dropping by and sharing your experiences. I appreciate it. It's never too late. In time your body and brain will reach homeostasis, and your sexdrive and all of that will be rebalanced. Try to relax about the sex thing. It sounds to me like you're putting way too much pressure on yourself. Stress and tension are some of the biggest causes for ED. There are a lot of pleasurable things you could do with the girl you're with now that doesn't involve penetration.
You could just spend time cuddling, exploring each other's touch, kissing and massaging each others bodies. Being naked and embracing. I think once you relax errection will happen naturally. Just gotta surrender to it.

Good luck man. Take care.

 

[chrisguy9017]

@sunborn

Thanks for the advice man. I took it to heart and tried to stay out of my mind and more in the moment and it worked for me. 

 

[sunborn]

@chrisguy9017 that makes me so happy to hear.


It's been a while since I wrote in my journal here. A lot has happened since last time. Firstly.. I feel my porn habit is growing weaker. I seem to only be triggered by exhaustion these days. No lomger triggered by pain. No longer a need for emotional self-medication. I can be completely open to my emotional experiences now. And it's such a feeling of freedom. I don't have an internal struggle anymore. Let me give you an example. The other day I found out the girl I like is moving away to another country. Hearing that made me sad. Even if we don't "have" something I have still been playing around with the thought of being in a comitted relationship with her. I was just really sad that I have to let her go. And that's fine. I didn't make up bullshit excuses in my mind regarding my experience, I didn't struggle against the feelings. I just stood completely present in the moment and accepted that it made me feel really sad. I cried and mourned the loss of something that could have been and then moved on.

Such is the flow of life.

As it so happens, this is the same girl I was going to go on a date with last time I wrote. Remember the anxiety I felt of meeting her and potentially have to let her in? I went on the date anyway. It was one of the best nights in my life. We vibrated on a whole other level than what I have experienced before. Had amazing conversations. Danced and kissed all night. Connected beautifully.

I love her. At the same time I am detached from her. It's a strange experience. Im used to being clingy, codependent and needy. Not here. Not anymore. This change scares me.. Because I didnt realize I had changed so much. But its nice. I am in love. True love. No longer from a place of lack or fear, but abundance. And now I have to let her go. Yet still I love. We will meet again, and help each other heal in the way we are meant to heal.

By some strike of fate I found a job in the same city as she is moving to. I sent an application today, and I feel I have good chances of getting it. It would be so crazy if I ended up following her. Destiny? Haha. Who knows. We will attract situations when we have created the right energy for them. When I was ready to heal sexually I carried that energy, and met my ex. When I was ready to find a partner to explore spiritual maturity with I attracted my lovely date on the dancefloor that night, and now that I am ready to fly into the world for real I found this job. Let's see how it goes. I am So ready to move on. So ready to stop being stuck in survival and actually start LIVING. I am starting to feel fulfilled. When I started this journal in september last year this felt so far away. Hoping for an amazing adventure, and who knows, maybe the partnership I mourned for not being able to have.

Here's to life. Let's celebrate that we are out of control, and that we are given what we need at the right time. Let's celebrate the beauty of women and the taste of true connection. Let's celebrate that we are returning to being men of this world, and no longer playing the game of lost boys. Let's celebrate that our hearts are opening up after having been hidden for so long. Let's celebrate the path of the warriors of old, who carried determination and spirit sharper than any sword.

Celebrate yourself. For you are alive. And all of this is reflected in you. <3

 

[Hablablos]

You have my deep congratulation Sunborn. You achieved an amazing thing in your life. From now on your life will be much better. That I firmly believe!

 

[sunborn]

@Hablablos Thank you. Yes my life is becoming much better. Definitely. I'm finding so much to live for! gotta keep on going

Hey guys. I fell back into the habit ysterday evening. I came home and was super exhausted. At first I had planned on going to the gym, but my body was too tired. So I had an internal conflict of going to the gym or not.. ended up stuck at the computer instead and my mind took over. After PMO'ing I crashed in my bed and slept for 14 hours, so I was really too tired to do anything.

What could I have done differently? listened to my body and accepted that I was too tired to go to the gym. Next time I will pay more attention. Today I feel back on track again after having slept. After writing here I'll hit the gym and get my arms and shoulders done. Ever since I started I've consistently hit 3 days a week, except for when I got sick. That makes me so proud! And I'm starting to see results, not only in increase of strength but also in appearance looking forward!

 

[Hablablos]

Hi Sunborn,

congratulation for reaching 90 days. I hope you are doing well.

 

[sunborn]

Hablablos, I never reached 90 days. I just didn't reset my counter during all this time, and I haven't been around for 3 months. But thanks for dropping by.

I am very stressed over life right now. I am going through some major changes, and I am overwhelmed by them. Instead of planning on how to handle all of it I am procrastinating. I will be moving to a new city in a few weeks. I got my dream job, and will be working with a company that's famous all over the world. It's amazing. But it's all happened so fast so I feel lost in all of it. Because of this stress my PMO is coming back more often. I think I have been pmo'ing 4-5 times a week recently.

But that is changing from right now. It's time for me to re-commit to myself and start taking responsibility for my life.

 

[CrowMagnum]

That definitely sounds like a stressful transition.  In part by the moving process and also the great opportunity you have at this new job and city.  Perhaps it would help to approach the change with making it your mission to abstain as much as possible in order to clear your head and spirit to start off on a healthier, surer foot for a new and better chapter in your life.    It's always good to hear positive changes in fellow rebooter's lives-- congrats!

 

[Hablablos]

Hablablos, I never reached 90 days. I just didn't reset my counter during all this time, and I haven't been around for 3 months. But thanks for dropping by.

Damn, I hoped you would, because you really helped me, when you recommended me Models. But we will get out of this.

I understand it has to be tough at this moment, but you will handle it. And you are lucky one to get your dream job.

 

[sunborn]

Thanks for dropping by guys. I appreciate it.

After lying restless in bed for a few hours I decided to get up and do something else. I started thinking about how porn is still a big problem in my life and decided to check out these forums again. It's been a while since I last visited. Since then my life has changed dramatically. I ended up moving the a the new city and starting my dream job. I like it a lot. But my old habits have followed me. I still watch porn. And it's become more frequent. I think it's because I feel alone up here, and also a beet scared to go out and meet new people or do things for myself. I know it's a temporary. This is mostly how I feel after being stuck in a porn-binge for some time. And the paradox is always, if you want to get out of it, start doing things anyway even if you don't feel like it.

Porn is not the only problem. I have other bad habits too, and they reinforce each other. Since I moved I have neglected my workout routines and self development work. I made half-hearted attempts to get back on track but kinda just been stuck in a semi-passive mode. It's like an open invitation for my bad habits. Lately I've also gotten stuck in negative thought patterns, especially being sucked in to a lot of negative news on facebook and stuff. This keeps my energy low and causes me to stay unfocused. Negative news are quite addictive.

But I was lying in bed and came to terms with where I am today. I've been here before (in this emotional state). And from experience I know I am able to change that. I decided I will never give up. I will re-commit to this healing journey. Time to get back on track again.

I have also decided to start writing here again to help me refocus on my goals. Writing this feels a bit better. Let's do this!

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Way to go man!

We're all behind you 110%!!

You can definitely do this

-Peace

 

[Hablablos]

I decided I will never give up.

Welcome aboard. It's pain in the ass, but worth every second. 

 

[sunborn]

Peaceofmind, Hablablos, thanks guys.  Your support means a lot to me.

My day has been quite good. I'm somewhat sleep deprived, and it's starting to affect my work. I am not as focused as I want to be. After writing this I will shut down the computer and do some meditation before getting ready for bed. I've had some bad sleep patterns for weeks now. I've actually had trouble sleeping through out all my teenage and adult life. I think I developed a bad relationship to sleep when I was younger because I was so dependent on keeping my mind distracted. Sleeping means becoming defenseless, and becoming defenseless means allowing me to feel the weight and pain of a tired body.

I have however managed to sleep really well during some periods of my life. Those times I did some changes to my life. I worked out 2-3 days a week, and I made sure to shut off the computer early during the evening, about 1-2 hours before going to bed. I also put more energy into meditation. These activities allowed me to much easier relax and become comfortable with sleeping. I want to create that habit again.

The other day I also had a small realization that made me quite sad. I have an addicts brain. I've known it for years, but never really considered it deeper. But it kinda sank in. My reward center is out of balance because I have been overdosing on porn for years. This in turn makes it difficult for me to motivate me to do things that initially aren't so exciting but I know are good for me. My brain craves some sort of fix through excitenment. Besides porn I get my fix from becoming obsessed with games. Mainly the kind games like Diablo and Dota 2 that involve a lot of randomization, and continuous small rewards. Pretty much gambling. My brain gets high on that. I get hooked on thoughts like "the next game I might plat this character better" or "let's just play for 30 more minutes, we might find that unique item we have been looking for."
The rewards are totally meaningless in themselves. They don't add to my quality of life. But they feed my brain. And this makes it difficult for me to casually enjoy games. I mean, i like them a lot - but I want to do other things as well. Not enter a hardcore all or nothing mode.

And it makes me sad that my brain is like this, and kinda pissed off. I know there is much more to life - and I want it. I know there is a lot of untapped potential within me, and I want to let it out. The way to recovery and balance will be long, but I know habits can be replaced with better ones. Tomorrow I'll be hitting the gym again for the first time in over a month. Damn it's gonna be good.

 

[sunborn]

Hey guys. PMO'd today. So what happened?
Well, I only got 3 hours sleep this night so I have been exhausted all day at work. Because of this I started edging already yesterday night when I couldn't sleep. One thing led to another, and.. It is what it is. So why didn't I sleep well? I actually don't know. These past weeks I have had troublesome sleep. Sometimes I sleep good, sometimes I am awake half the night. There is some kind of restlesness in me. I need to reflect over what might be causing it.

During my relapse something came up for me. Something I've noticed many times before but always had a hard time grasping.

So the porn I'm drawn to is always of young and very beautiful girls doing hardcore/degrading stuff. The more pure and innocent they look, the more intense my 'high' will be. But the feeling that enters me regarding this is a feeling of all kinds of emotions, mixed disgust, sadness, and confusion.. and there's always this "why" in the back of my head, addressing the women in my mind.
"Why are you doing this? you are so young and pure and beautiful - you SHOULDN't do this". The thought pattern can be expressed in different ways but it always comes back to me feeling confused to why such a perfect and beautiful woman would do something like that. I feel ashamed of witnessing it, and that further intensifies my high. The energy that these thoughts are rooted in feels like the one of a naive and insecure little boy. Like a 5 or 6 year old. Someone who idealizes, and views the world with a sort of fairytale innocence and with no understanding of adult sexuality.

I am very innocent and naive when it comes to sexuality. I grew up in a strictly fanatic religious environment where sexuality was considered the most sinful thing. As I have touched upon before, this has definitely shaped my beliefs and given me misconceptions about human sexuality. It's most likely also a root cause of my addiction.

What I think is interesting is this connection I have with purity and beauty versus sexuality. The more "pure" I believe a woman to be, the more disgusted I become about her expressing her sexuality. I have no idea why.. Can any of you guys relate to these thoughts? purity versus disgust?

it's probably some deep psycho-analysis shit. It's a very boyish innocent kind of mentality. Of course women are sexual beings, and free to be in it as much as they desire. I just think I have taken on too many flawed beliefs through out the years and now it's a mental mess I still haven't made sense of. Gah.. such a clusterfuck. I desire to connect with women sexually in healthy ways, but in all honesty, I fear it as well. I am terrified of sexuality. Often when I noticed a woman is interested in me, for example if I am out clubbing and a girl starts to dance with me and seek my attention - I start to avoid her. Inside of me I can feel some parts of me shut down. And it sucks.. because I don't want to react like that. At the same time I have connected with women sexually.. I know I am able to have great sexual relationships with women. There is a lot of masculine energy inside of me wanting to be expressed, and I can sometimes notice some women sense that about me. But at the same time I just can't.

Anyway.. too many words from a too tired mind. I'm far from balanced right now. I know these feelings disappear after some nights of good sleep and after I take care of my body again. After writing this I will go take a shower and get ready for bed. I also have the intention on meditating on my gaming habit and try to untangle it to see what benefits I get, and if they actually are worth the time invested. I have successfully done this before to get a better perspective on what it's actually doing to me. I have a feeling it's related to my move. I have no friends here to hang out with, and I have a hard time motivating me to do things for myself because I'm stuck in this "being too tired, PMO'ing too often" loop.

What do you guys do to start doing new things in life when you don't feel like it? think of what you wanna do and make up a plan to go out and do it?

Something positive. After a lot of hesitation and "let do it later" thoughts I went to the gym yesterday, I haven't been working out regularly in more than 3 months and could feel I have lost a lot of strength. But it felt good to be back. I think deciding to go to the gym 3 days a week will be the foundation I need to start getting more energy and motivation to do other things than play games all day.

Take care.

 

[Hablablos]

Is there a chance that your mind is too busy and it's thinking about some issues when you are trying to fall asleep? Because for me this is usually quite a problem. I am still thinking about some problems in my life and I can't fall asleep.

Wish I could be helpful about your problem with purity/disgust, but I liked stories more, because I could use my imagination when reading them. It's true that human sexuality and psychlogy are my hobbies among many others, but this goes totally beyond me. You could try a therapy, because you might have some mental blocks, which prevents you from having a relationship.

I can relate about fear of being sexual with a person. On one hand I would like to have somebody I could cuddle with, because human touch is something I rarely had and it's taking a toll on me. I would like to experience sex, but at the same time I have a fear that I won't be able to perform.

What do you guys do to start doing new things in life when you don't feel like it?

When I plan my day I put this activity on it. And if I really want to do it, I write even the time when I want to start it. This more likely force me to accomplish it. A long time ago I read a nice line:
"There are seven days in a week and someday isn't one of them."

 

[sunborn]

Hablablos thanks for writing. Yes i think too much when going to bed. Way too much it. I need to learn to put my thoughts aside before sleep. I think it will help. Also thanks fir sharing yourself. Our experiences are different yet similar. I will start to be more decisive in my plans and see if thathelps too. Good suggestion. Cheers.

Just dropping by to write that life is moving forward. The week is tough and I have a lot of work to do. It's quite challenging at the moment. My mind wants to go numb with porn. Gotta stay focused. Had a fun weekend. Went out clubbing by myself again, and connected with some nice people on the dance floor. Been talking to one of the guys and asked if he wanted to go grab a beer some time during the week. We'll probably get together and just chill some day soon. I'm surprised by myself. Two years ago I would have had a heart-attack at the thought of going out alone, and talk to strangers? forget it.
I might still be battling with porn, but there are a lot of other areas in my life where I have grown. I have to remind myself of that too. I'm no longer the socially insecure guy I was.

Anyhow, gotta go to bed now. It's late.

Take care guys.

 

[sunborn]

Hey guys, how are you doing?

After a little more than a week I relapsed this morning. Although the edging started to happen yesterday night already. The cause was most likely me sitting up too late playing games, and not listening to my bodies signals of being tired and needing sleep. I turned to P, but managed to break out of the loop and go to bed instead. As soon as I woke up today there was this craving roar inside me and I ended up giving in to it. I figured I might as well surrender to it and get back on track asap rather than creating some sort of avoidance ritual out of it.

Even though I fell today, I have learned some important things that I am happy about.

Firstly, I managed to go for a bit more than a week. It's been months since I did it last time. I know I can keep on doing without P. It motivates me to get back on track again.

Secondly, I got to know myself better. There are like these states in me.. The first few days after a relapse I feel quite groggy and numb. I function properly, but I'm not particularly engaged in the outside world. I sort of want to stay in my bubble.

But after around a week, I noticed a shift in me. There's like a veil being lifted. I experience things more clearly, and more direct. I start to notice women more and feel desire and attraction towards them, but more importantly, what I also noticed was a feeling of shame and fear in feeling that desire and attraction. I become afraid that my desire is perverse and not genuine, and there's a sense of not being allowed to feel like this, not daring to look, not daring to celebrate beauty. I also noticed a feeling of not knowing what to do with this attraction, not being comfortable in that state.

I think these are important discoveries. I think I have been trying to numb myself all these years, partly because of these reasons - fear of my sexuality, fear of attraction, pain of not knowing how to be in this energy, what to do with it.

At times I have of course felt safe enough with a person to open up and allow me these experience, and then the fear is lifted and I feel rooted and strong in myself. But in general, in my every day life, I am not as confident.

I think the first step for me, before trying to figure anything else out, is to dare to stand in these experiences, being raw and vulnerable - and allow myself the feeling of the pain and shame of not knowing how to fully be my powerful sexual self. Because on some level that is what I have been avoiding all these years. And I have learned that when we dare to stand still and look in a non-judgmental way at our experiences, just being present with them, they tend to start being resolved by themselves, because all they needed was our wholehearted attention.

Some other good stuff in my life: I have been sleeping better this week, which has given me more energy to take care of myself and work responsibly. Yesterday I visited a museum after wanting to do it for weeks but just pushing it away (following Hablablos advice and writing down a specific time and day to go do it). And I have hit the gym 3 times. This is what I want to keep up! I will work hard to make next week equally good.

That's all for me for now. See you later. Enjoy!

 

[Dareius]

Hey Sunborn,

sorry to hear you relapsed. Doesn't matter though, as you wrote in my journal - its not about the days it is about the healing process. And you seem to have gotten along way there, as you wrote yourself. I ve read alot on this forum here which was quite helpfull, yet it never really struck me that much.
Remember I wrote about this "shame thing" with women that I cannot really explain? What you wrote in this post - man I think I finally understand the problem

But after around a week, I noticed a shift in me. There's like a veil being lifted. I experience things more clearly, and more direct. I start to notice women more and feel desire and attraction towards them, but more importantly, what I also noticed was a feeling of shame and fear in feeling that desire and attraction. I become afraid that my desire is perverse and not genuine, and there's a sense of not being allowed to feel like this, not daring to look, not daring to celebrate beauty. I also noticed a feeling of not knowing what to do with this attraction, not being comfortable in that state.

Whenever I look at a women, in a corner of my mind I always think that I have to fear alot of negative consequences by beeing so "perverted" - which is nonsense when one thinks objectively - we are just following our biology yet it feels subjectively wrong. Its also sth. else abit but this is one major factor, so thank you alot for sharing this thought here!!!

The thing you talk about with standing in the experience of shame, beeing vulnerable/raw helps definetly. I'd like to hear if you have any methods/tipps to doing that in society. I m not at the point yet where I can do that in society with people around me and with the situation unfolding right there. I can do it "reliving"/remembering the moment and feeling the emotions that come up, not analysing them.

When I got to day 79 I worked out every day. One day bodyweight training at home, the next day jogging (starting slowly- mix jogging with walking in between) and sometimes a breakday where I just walk abit, so that I dont overstress my body. If you think you don't have the time/power for it, I think thats just our brain trying to rationalize to sit and do nothing. I often felt that way, lazy, not in the mood whatever, but especially than on these occasions, when I did do it, I felt really good afterwards. Sport is a natural serotonin producer, the "happiness-hormone", serotonin beeing used in antidepressants, yet you can get it naturally with sport and also look sexy in the meantime. And you always have the time to squeze in 20-30 minutes of training.

Watch the chaser effect and keep going.
All the best.