I could have given up but didn't

[sunborn]

hey guys. Trying a new approach of resting when I come home instead of pushing myself onward. I have a lot of things on my plate at the moment, but I'm often too tired to continue working with them in my spare time, so I become stressed which leads me to relapse.

My new strategy is to take a quick rest and gather myself, then pick up what needs to be done. So far it works quite well. I'll continue exploring this for the time being. I think the greatest reason for my relapses has always been when I've been tired, exhausted or stressed out. Those are lifestyle conditions that I have the power to change.

keep it up everyone.

 

[sunborn]

Hey guys,

how's it going. After having somewhat of a binge the last week I seem to have stabilized. I'm now in on day 4 and feeling pretty good. As usual my life is full of crazy stuff happening.. whatever guides are watching me from above seem to have a good time putting me through all kinds of experiences. Tough love.

Met up with my ex yesterday. Hadn't seen her in a while. It was beautiful. We talked about life and us, and agreed that we can't see each other anymore. She's in love with her new guy, but she's also in love with me.. and I in her. So it was painful. Stupid timing really.. I've been trying to become comfortable enough to fall in love for months. And when I finally remove enough fear in me to take those daring steps, it's already too late. I was holding on to some hope that the new guy would only be a temporary thing for her.. someone she had some sex with, and then later let go. But that didn't happen. They are falling in love. It's beautiful. I love that she is living. But I am also sad.

Sad for all that didn't become. Anyhow.. letting her go. It took me almost a year to get over my first breakup. It destroyed me in so many ways. This time it's taken me a few weeks. Yes, my heart is sore and it hurts, but I don't feel entangled in her. I feel I can direct energy back onto myself and move onwards.

A while back I wrote about a breathing workshop I went to back in September. The same guy is back in the area, holding a 3-day workshop going deep into it. I got two days off from work to go there, and I've been looking forward to it for weeks. I think it's going to be an amazing healing experience. I really hope so.. I really feel on a deep gut level that this will transform me. And next week I have an appointment for tantric healing massage, which I also feel on a deep level that it will transform me. My intuition tells me these are the things I need.

Other areas of my life are improving as well. I'm becoming a warrior. I am facing my fears, cutting through them. I went out and danced alone for the first time in my life. It was so scary, but damn it was nice. I had one goal for the evening. Say hi to one girl I found attractive. I did. We ended up partying together all night. Sadly she had a boyfriend so had to keep it on a friendly level, but we had such a good time. Also met another cute girl that I've been talking with a bit. Going to ask her out for a beer next week.

This is so not me. I don't believe I'm the kind of person that can create these kinds of situations. But this is who I want to be. I love dancing to techno, house and trance. I love talking to beautiful ladies. I love to play around with the sexual vibe that can appear between us. Yes it's fucking scary. Goddamn I want to run away every time. But that's the old me. The man I always have been, the truth of my being, of who I am, has been wanting this all along. Just had to work through some (over 9000) layers of fear to get there first.

So yeah, feels great. It feels like this has opened doors. I'm actually looking forward to going out and dancing again, and I wouldn't be afraid to do it myself. For me that's a complete 180-degree turn.. A few years ago I would get panic attacks just thinking about going out dancing and flirting with girls.

So to all of you guys out there struggling with anxieties around girls and socializing and all of that.. It's tough, I know. Believe me. It's fucking tough. But you CAN get rid of that fear. AND ALL OTHER GODDAMN FEARS IN YOUR LIFE. I promise you that. We are all here for greater things. What are you waiting for? fuck it. Start healing yourselves. Now. Decide that you want it to start, whatever healing journey you need, and I'm sure the door of destiny that you've been standing outside of will open up and start working its magic. Just say the words. Let it happen.

love <3

 

[sunborn]

Hey guys. I'm back from the 3-day rebirthing retreat. It was amazing. I have experienced some amazing things. So much love and healing. I know this has changed some things in me. I will tell you about it later. For now just wanted to say hi.

take care <3  8)

 

[sunborn]

Hey everyone. It's been a while. Hope you are doing well. It feels like I could easily write 10 pages about whats going in my life right now, but I'll try to keep it shorter and get to the point.
I mentioned before that I went to a retreat where I was going to practice something called Rebirthing. I'd like to share my experiences about that as well as how I feel in life right now.


Firstly, the retreat. It's really helped me. During those 3 days I came in contact with some deep issues that I got to partly resolve and release. On the first day I discovered my fear of not belonging to this world, not having a place. It's a feeling I've had for as long as I can remember. Like this deep dark cut in my chest. "There is no place for me here. I won't be loved". I was able to be present with this feeling, experiencing myself as a little infant being completely helpless in all of it, and finally come to terms with it and release it. It was so powerful and beautiful. During the experience I was also shown my soul before my birth, and the hesitation I felt as I was entering my unborn body. I was shown my origins, among distant stars and it was explained to me why I've had so much trouble being stable here. Such incredible experience.. to think it was all created within my mind only through breathing.

On the second day I came deeper into myself and came in contact with a blockage I haven't been able to reach before. It was surrounding issues I have about claiming my own personal power as an individual and as a sexual person. I was so frustrated over having had this in my life for such a long time that a deep, guttural scream came out of me. It was more of a primal roar.. and I could feel the energy rush through me. It was a very powerful and sexual energy. After having released that I felt nauseous, weak and broken. Like a part of me had been ripped out (which it basically had - energetically). It took me the whole day to stabilize and come back to myself.

On the third day as I went into the breathing I found that I could just go deeper and deeper into myself. The cleansing from the day before had left a void within me, and I felt a need to go into it and explore it. I've never taken such intense and deep breaths before. It was as if my whole body became an instrument for the universe to breathe through. It felt like my whole body was one big pair of lungs. In that I came in contact with my lifeforce and was filled to the brim with never-ending amounts of pure energy. It's one of the best experiences I've had.. quite similar to the sensations of LSD and MDMA.  I'm amazed that our brains can create these experiences. I was lyrical and blissful. All I could do was laugh and surrender to my being and I was so thankful for being me. It was so healing. My inner child appeared before me and we connected. He told me that the "big" me was being born now, and that he had been waiting. He also told me he wanted me to start connecting more with people, especially women. He wants me to play more, to dance more, to kiss and hug more. To explore sex. It was hilarious being lectured by this little boy about my sexual life. I cried with laughter, but at the same time it was so beautiful. I was also shown the entirety of the defensive patterns I've built around myself during my life.. what a waste of energy it is for me to try to stabilize and maintain that structure, how fragile it actually is, and it no longer serves me. Again I just laughed and laughed.. it was so comical to see the adult me try to hold that thing together. Putting so much energy into it. I pittied myself for it. I was shown that I no longer need to identify myself with those patterns any more. I no longer need to be afraid of connecting with others, being sexual or being powerful.. that's the past. We are all connection.

I am so thankful to have had this experience and have had the courage to do the work that's been asked of me. So much cleansing.. It was divine.


I can feel the changes afterwards. My body has become lighter. The muscles in my chest and abdomen have become more relaxed, which in turn allows me to breathe deeper and natural. I have also become more energetic and playful.. I find myself dancing spontaneously when I hear music. I love it. I've also become more sensitive and susceptible to energies around me. My mood swings a lot because of that.. But I see it as a natural part of the process. If I hadn't been this sensitive I wouldn't have found the urge to practice meditation and mindfulness My sensitivity also allows experiences I have stored in my body to surface so I can process and release them. I often cry. Either out of grief, or out of joy. I'm touched by the world in beautiful ways.

I've always seen crying as one of our most powerful tools, and one of our most beautiful experiences.  You know that feeling of finally being able to cry.. it's such a loving and soothing feeling. Pure surrender.

So yeah, I'm having some incredible experiences at the moment. My inner spiritual work is starting to move into a new phase as I am given opportunities to release the last of my blockages. But it's not easy. I often have to face a lot of pain, but you know.. That's ok. Pain does not equal suffering. While in pain I experience a full range of emotions.. and I often find myself experiencing joy, love and gratitude while in pain. It's because I understand I can view it from a greater perspective and see how the pain part of the healing.

Thank you, spirit, for allowing this experience to surface within me so I can be present with it.

Thank you for holding me through it, especially during the times I want to give up because I believe I can't handle it.

Thank you for finally allowing me to heal the wounds from my past lives and this life.. Thank you.

Right now I'm practicing meditation daily. I've also started to practice graitude after being inspired by FreeSoul's journey (have a look at his journal here: http://legacy.rebootnation.org/index.php?topic=6247.50)
Since me and my ex stopped seeing each other I've been struggling with some negative patterns. But that is also stabilizing now, and I'm finding my way back. I believe I can move on and back into myself again.

This post becamse really long. Thanks for the patience if you've read this far haha. Life is waiting for us! Leeeeeeet's goooo!

 

[ironman2015]

meditation helps quite mind chatter.
mind stops wandering.
good for health also.

 

[sunborn]

ironman2015, yeah definitely. Thanks for dropping by

Hey guys, hope all is well. Just dropping in to drop a line. I'm going through feelings of loneliness at the moment. Makes me turn to porn as you can see in my tracker. I find it hard.. now that I am free from work over the holidays I realize I don't have any nice routines for my spare time. So I end up not socializing as much as I would like to, which makes me feel alone.

It's not a pleasant feeling. But I will get back on track. I should sit down and really think about my goals for the coming year. Actually, I know some of them already.

I have a healthy routine at the gym where I workout 3 days a week
I have gained 5kg of weight
I do one painting every week for studying purposes
I go out every now and then to a caf? and drink hot chocolate
I go out adventuring by myself every now and then
I meditate for 5 minutes every day
I picked up a new activity that involves working with my body, either yoga, dance or tantra
I asked out a girl I like on a date
I bought new clothes and accessories that fit the image I want to have
I got that nose and tongue piercing done that I always wanted

My goals are mainly internal and social. I am improving my social life by meeting women more often, trying new things and making new friends. I am taking care of my body with physical exercise and dance, which in turn will make me stronger and healthier, give me more energy to cope with the challenges in life.
Internally I am taking care of my mental health through meditation and self-reflection. And I am developing my artistic abilities.

Perhaps most importantly, I am developing self awareness. The only way we can change our old patterns is by first becoming aware of them.

I don't think 2016 will be as challenging as this year was for me. I feel that 2015 was a lot about growing spiritually through having to face some of my deepest fears that I have been trying to avoid. I've made it through the worst of them, and have been able to be present with them. I feel that this has given courage. They weren't as bad as I thought. As my old patterns and fears are growing weaker more and more space is cleared up for me to re-create myself. Next year will be about building the new me. The me I want to be, so the people I want to have in my life will come.

Looking forward ?

 

[Dareius]

Hey Sunborn,

just wanted to drop by and tell you that I m really impressed with how you changed. What your write down really feels good and I ll also try to mix in some of your routines in mine . Keep it flowing and don't worry about the porn usage right now. As you say you will get back on track.

Cya around

 

[sunborn]

Dareius, thanks for the comment. Nice to have you. I'm glad what I'm doing could inspire. Although, I hope you understand I am not there yet. This is what I am achieving for the year it's important when we affirm ourselves that we write in present tense. We have learned to think "I want to have.. I want to have.. I hope to have.. I wish to have" and so we start wanting to have all these things, coming from a place of lack. It feels intuitive, but it's counterproductive. Affirmations are powerful because they AFFIRM that we do have. They go from "I want to be" and "I want to have" to "I am". I figure this is what is called "the secret" among new age groups, although there's a lot more depth to it than just affirming. (might write about that another time if you're interested).

"I am" is a powerful statement. I read somewhere that YHWH, or Yahweh, one of the hebrew names for God, is derived from the verb that is used to make I AM in old hebrew. Food for thought. Anyway, try saying it out loud. I am. Feel the weight of the statement. Can you sense it? it holds a lot of creative power. So, I write as if I already have all these things to affirm them. If that makes sense.
All the best to you on this journey my man. Keep it up.

----

I'll write an update on where I am at in life later today. Don't have the time right now. Take care.

 

[mtaha2015]

close to 1 week.
enjoy this victory.
get yourself more busy.

 

[sunborn]

mtaha2015 - I made it to 9 days. Cheers!

Hey guys, I fell into a binge yesterday after going more than one week with PMO. It's such a strong reminder for me how strong these urges can be, and how it's beyond my control. But I don't want to focus on the negative or self-pity. Yes, I PMO'd 3 times yesterday. It sucks. But the more important question is: How do I want to deal with it?

I was hungover and tired. Instead of giving my body the rest it needed I sat at the computer. I think this is the biggest reason for my relapse. I ignore my bodies signals. I need to become more aware of my bodies needs. Also, usually after a binge I would feel ashamed and sad for myself. Critical thoughts would come up, like "Fuck man, you fucked up again. Look at you, you binged 3 times in one day, what will people think when you put it up in your counter. It's disgusting. Everyone will see it. They will think you're sick. It's normal to PMO once, but 3 times.. fuck". etc. 

These thoughts are not me. I don't have to identify myself with them anymore. I don't have to give them any more power over me. They come from a place within me that thinks I am a bad person because I suffer from this addiction. It's a pattern I developed as I grew up, to cope with the world. We internalize our critical parents and make them a part of our psyche, because, of course we are faulty and bad. Otherwise we wouldn't be in pain. Otherwise we would be held and loved in unconditional love. Always. And since it feels like we aren't.. we make it our own fault.

Also, I don't have to identify with the shame. I don't have to internalize it even if my instinct is to hide. I feel dirty, but that's not what I am. I wanted to just reset my counter once so it showed 1 day. Because I was ashamed of admitting I PMO'd 3 times. But this is a part of my truth. Sometimes it's really difficult. Sometimes we fall many more times than we use to. That's okay. It's part of the journey we call life. Accept it and be compassionate. The more knowledge and understanding develop about our struggles, the more kindness we can show ourselves. I am turning my ego into my friend. It's a strange and beautiful feeling.

Afterwards I went to the gym and did my 3rd pass this week. First I felt like shit, but once I got there and hit the weights I started to feel good. I'm proud that I've gone to the gym 3 times this week. It's the first time I've achieved that. And I am doing it again next week. From an objective perspective my life is good. I started working again. I'm building a routine of going to the gym. I started painting and drawing again. I meditate. I spend more time with friends. I spend quality time with myself. That's amazing. I have to be reminded of that, or else I get stuck in my old patterns.

But that's the past. I'm not the same addict I was a few years ago. I am changing. Healing. And now life is calling! let's go!

take care.

 

[Hablablos]

Hello Sunborn and congratulations for your 9 days. You are getting better and better every moment. Keep it up!

 

[sunborn]

Thanks Hablablos



Hey guys, how is it going? As I'm writing I'm in on day 3. After the weekends binge I've felt a little bit out of balance. There's a particular thought-pattern I get stuck in that's about my ex being sexual or flirting with others. I understand this is a projection from myself - and I think it's because I feel ashamed about the thought of flirting or being sexual with someone I'm interested in but don't know. So, instead of owning this in me, I react and think, "I'm not allowed to be like this - therefor you shouldn't either". These thoughts only come up with my ex because I have some attachment to her that I don't have with others. I have other female friends that I flirt with and have a sexual vibe with, but I don't feel any jealousy with them having others. I'm not attached.

I've found that the most important thing I have to do when I'm in these patterns is to be aware. To identify it and understand it's not me. It's not my thoughts. I'm not that hurt little child that clings to my ex for love. I'm the one that has to take care of that emotional part within me, not her. I've learned a meditation technique that helps me to detach. So far it helps.

Regarding the attachment, during my journey I've understood it has to do with my complicated relationship to my mother and the abandonment issues I have. The way I've understood how it works is that I project the need for love and safety I wanted as a little child onto my intimate partner. And once I feel safe enough with her I become attached to her. In the end it turns into a dependent kind of relationship and becomes destructive. I found this book about attachment theory that describes some of the things I have very accurately. I'm thinking of buying it to educate myself.

Other than that, life is pretty good. I went to the gym during monday and yesterday I hung out with a friend I recently got to know. Today I need to catch up on some practical stuff, cleaning, household work, etc. so going to do that. I'm also feeling more tired than usual so planning on going to bed early so I can hit the gym hard tomorrow again.

I haven't found so much time for being creative this week. But I think it will come once I get more rest. If I try to force time for it when I know I should be relaxing I will end up getting stuck in a negative pattern and relapse. That's how it usually goes. So trying new strategies!

take care.

 

[sunborn]

There's something I have to write out. I'm going through this intense emotional period at the moment and I don't really know what to do with it. It's been going on for a few weeks now. My instinct is to DO SOMETHING; run away, find a way to 'fix' it, change it etc. But I know all I actually have to do is be present with it. That is so damn hard though, because these energies create actual physical sickness and nausea in my body.

It revolves around sex and intimacy. I get disgusted to a point where I almost have to throw up by the thought of being sexual with someone I don't know well. Last week it got so intense I actually did throw up. At the same time I have days where I feel alright with the thought and would like to be intimate or date someone new. When I go out dancing I don't feel it either, although I feel kinda scared at the thought of being flirty/intimate with someone. But when I'm by myself all these patterns surface. I think it's strange. I don't know where it comes from, and why I react so intensely.

I have some theories.. one being that I come from a religious background that gave me a lot of sexual shame, and that I hid that shame away in watching porn from a young age. Now that I am starting to let go of porn and have become more clear, what I hid away is surfacing. When I tune in to the energy it feels a lot like a little boy's. I feel very much like a small child in it, and I can see how the thoughts that emerge from it are very child-like and naive in regards to intimacy and sex. They are very black and white, and very egocentric. I also have a feeling it's something karmic I carry with me from past lives. I've tried googling around, but the only instances I've come across where people react this negatively around intimacy and sex is when they have heavy sexual traumas such as rape, incest etc. I definitely don't think that applies to me, or else it would have shown in my intimate relationships already.

It feels like a cancer in my body. I'm imagining this black heavy thing that sits there sucking me dry.. it's disgusting. I want to throw up. Throw it up. Cut myself open and rip it out.

I've also suffered from sexual and emotional anorexia. And still do to some extent.. Perhaps there's something there I need to re-explore. I don't want to feel disgusted at the thought of being sexual with women. I want to feel excitement and joy of being able to mutually share sexual intimacy with someone. And it further confuses me that this comes and goes in short periods.

Getting really tired of it though. This is the one area in my life I lack the most confidence, and feel most lost. Fuck. I will go to the roots of this. The good thing is I don't drug myself with PMO or other activities to avoid these feelings. I can be present with it even if it hurts like hell and makes me sick. I think the big challenge for me now is to develop enough clarity to not identify myself with these experiences while I'm there. As it is now I easily get lost in the energy and become needy, controlling and negative.

Can anyone relate?

I'm trying to tie it together with what I know about my abandonment issues, and what I wrote about in my last post, about how I project my need for love and safety onto my intimate partner. I used to equate love and sex, and still find myself doing it. When I feel in love, I want to express that through having sex. Not sure if that's a healthy reaction. I'm kinda starting to see an over-all structure here. But lack the knowledge to understand it better. I'm sure a psycho-analyst would have a lot of fun with me haha.

I think it's more related to attachment than sexuality. I think it has something to do with how I developed attachment and intimacy with my mother, because I have no problems with being sexual and intimate with a woman once I "let her in". But it's the thought of creating an intimate bond with someone I don't know that is very difficult for me, and sometimes makes me feel disgust. If I think about how I relate to my mother, I have the challenging emotions come up at the thought of letting her too close to me, emotionally or physically. I can hug her, but I don't want to have her close to me for too long. And I'm not comfortable in seeking support from her.. so definitely. Something there.

 

[sunborn]

Fell back into a binge today because of emotional pain. My ex is a DJ and she had her first big gig yesterday, so me and some friends went out to dance for her, and in that context I got triggered and experienced the deep pain I have within of abandonment and feeling unloved. It was so overwhelming I couldn't detach from it.. I ended up feeling sick and incredibly jealous. I wasn't being myself at all. When I came home I couldn't sleep. I felt very uneasy and hurt which resulted in me turning to porn for self-medication to get away from the pain. I need to stop doing that and find loving ways to take care of myself instead.

It's such an irrational experience for me. This fear.. It's not me at all, yet it takes over me completely when it's there. You can probably relate.. it's like when ending up browsing for porn, while being able to observe yourself from the outside but unable to stop it. The consciousness is kinda forced aside.

So I'm thinking of what I can do to prevent this from happening again. I don't want to live my life in avoidance.. I need to face this to heal it. But as long as it's this overwhelming it's not healthy for me to put myself in situations where it can blow out of control.
The best thing for me is to not be in social situations with my ex. If I know it might trigger this reaction I need to take a step back and build myself up again, detach from her more. I mentioned before I bought a book about attachment theory. It's coming this week, so I'm looking forward to learning more about this. I have a feeling it might help me understand whats going on. Also, I'm going to do some more rebirthing work in february which I think will help me release some of this. I've also booked time for counseling with a woman that specializes in these kinds of trauma. Looking forward to talking to her and hear what she says.

The way I see it my porn addictions stems from this core wound. If I can get to healing that, the rest will solve itself. But it's not so easy as to push a button. And for now I'll keep on focusing on building the life I want and distance myself from porn regardless. My goal is to cut down PMO to 3-4 times a month, and then gradually move further from there.

Thanks for reading.

 

[sunborn]

Hey everyone. Hope you are doing well.

My life feels pretty good right now. Usually after a heavy binge I feel a bit negative and drained for days, and I easily get stuck in self-pity and other negative patterns. But so far I haven't felt that. Only thing so far is that I had a sexual dream about my ex, and I woke up with the feeling of wanting to go look up hot girls online. But I could detach from that, and now I feel fine.

She came over to my place during sunday evening and we talked about our current relationship and what happened during saturday. It was nice to get it all out in a mature way. We have a friendship based on authenticity, vulnerability and honesty. I love that I can be true with her without the fear of being judged or rejected. I explained what I experienced and told her that I can't be with her in social environments because of the reaction. It was painful to establish that boundary, but I felt more empowered by it. I have to stop feeling guilty about putting myself first. The small boy in me is very afraid of detaching from her because he fears she will disappear and that correlates directly with being abandoned . But the adult me knows that's an illusion.

So what else is going on in life.. I've been hitting the gym 3 times a week for the past two weeks now. It feels great. I'm starting to see the benefits both physically and mentally. I'm keeping this up. I'm also being proactive when it comes to my emotional problems. Instead of going around hoping they will solve themselves I identify the problems and find methods that can help me. That also feels great. I'm no longer afraid to seek help when I need it.

For the past few years I've started to adapt this mindset that all of these negative ideas and patterns that aren't rooted in reality and no longer serve me are basically just like bad software. I'm a human computer with a lot of software.. some of it is old and outdated, and outright harmful, like a virus. But I can uninstall it and replace it with working software. So basically it becomes this game of identifying software in myself that's old or harmful, and beginning to uninstall it and replace it with updated and healthy software. Since I adapted this perspective my trauma has become much more manageable, because I know I'm not stuck with it. It can be uninstalled and replaced. And I've already done a lot of work on myself. I have been cured of my PTSD, I'm no longer emotionally rigid, I don't have any fear of anger in other people or in myself, I no longer fear authorities, I no longer panic when facing conflicts. I can stand my ground. I have built up more self-esteem and over-all self confidence. I've changed in so many ways over the years.. and it's all basically been about replacing negative patterns (or "software") with what actually is true. And so can you.

 

[sunborn]

Ahh so I just fell off the horse again after having fallen two days ago. The porn can jump on me so suddenly, like, from out of nowhere a thought to look up a name or just do an "innocent" search for something. I see people share the same experiences again and again.

For me it builds up during the week. As I gradually get more tired, I become more vulnerable to my old pattern of numbing myself with porn when I feel exhausted and tired. Even though I see my life improving over all, with regular meditation, working out at the gym, taking more responsibility in every day challenges etc. I still feel like I'm standing in the same place with porn. Repeating the same thing. Not sure what changes to make. My best streaks were when I was in a relationship. I could turn to my partner for emotional support and intimacy. Now that I don't have that anymore I find it more challenging. I will keep on getting up and back on the horse. But right now I'm kinda reflecting on what I'm not doing enough of. Any thoughts you guys?

take care.

 

[Hablablos]

Hi Sunborn,

I wanna ask, how busy are you during your days? Are you working or studying?

I personally have very busy working days. I wake up at 6:00 and I am ending about 20:00-20:30. After that I just play some games to relax and then go to bed.  Another thing which really helps me is planing days to come. I always write down how my next day will look like. What I will do first, second and so on. It's true, most of the time I am in work, but when I return, I work on myself.

 

[sunborn]

Thanks for writing Hablablos. I am doing my internship at the moment, which means working full-time. So I'm pretty much busy from 7 to 19.00 every day. Every other day I hit the gym so I'm not home until around 20.30. Once I'm done with my day I wind down with some meditation and inner work. And it helps during the week days.. It's for the weekends that I lose track because I don't have a clear picture of what I want to do. So I kinda end up mindlessly sitting at the computer instead of doing something else.
What you said about sitting down and writing about the next day sounds helpful. I did something similar a while ago, where I kept a daily journal and wrote about the day and planned the following day. It helped me so I feel it can be beneficial for me to start doing that again.



Hey guys. I'm dropping in to give a small update of current life-situation. Last week I had a moment where I felt completely free from ex. It was such a relief.. I just danced around with joy. Naturally, it didn't last long though. As I peel off a layer another one appears.. and for the past days I've been battling these painful and sad feelings of not being loved and wanted. I realized I somewhere hope that she will "realize" that I'm a good and attractive person (better than the guy she is with now) and that she will come back to me for sex and intimacy. I keep on thinking.. if only she realized, focusing on her wants and needs. Why don't I think of my own needs? Why don't I think from my perspective? If you think about it.. isn't it a really strange and destructive pattern? I am putting all the responsibility of my sexual happiness onto her, and she isn't even willing to give me what I want. The mature thing would be to take responsibility for my own life, detach from a person who isn't willing to meet my needs in healthy ways, and move on.

As I reflected about it yesterday I started to see the pattern from a small child's perspective. A baby projects it's need for safety and love onto the mother. If she leaves or abandons the child, it internalizes the pain and thinks "I must be faulty. Or else mother wouldn't have left me". That is deeply traumatizing, and further it creates a pattern of "If only I were good enough, mother would see me and come back to me". The way I see what's happening with me now is that I'm re-living my pattern of early abandonment and projecting onto my ex. Because that's exactly what it translates into. Besides, what she decides to do with her life is none of my business. It has nothing to do with me. That realization is becoming such an eye-opener for me at the moment. I struggle with co-dependency so accepting that as true is painful, but necessary for my healing.

Last week I stumbled upon an article about detaching, written by a person who calls himself Healing Eagle. It really touched me. I want to share some pieces here.

"I tried to invent solutions, at the same time trying to be true to myself, but every solution led to pretending, further isolation and additional mistakes. I was afraid of being rejected. Finally, I was rejected. It set me in peace, since I understood that there is nothing I can do to change it. People do whatever they want to do, and I have no right to try to change or control it. Their attitudes towards me are their attitudes, and if they are not based on healing love, it is their problem, and not mine. They have to find their own healing, and as long as I pretend, I prevent them from seeing the reality and facing the consequences of their behavior. As long as I pretend, I avoid facing the reality, and I will not find my true self and my belonging."

.."If, and when, we let go of other people and find peace, good solutions emerge naturally. We are at rest, and they will see our rest. They will see our true self. If they have caused us sorrow, we have no need to prevent them from seeing it. We can be sad, without pretending, as long as we feel sadness. Our purpose is not to use our sadness as a manipulative tool, but to be real to ourselves and to other people. We are sad, and that is why we are sad. They do whatever they do, and if they decide to come to us, true belonging emerges. If they don't, true belonging emerges for us. We are real, and we have our place in the universe and among other people."

the quotes are from the piece on Detaching from other people - http://www.healingeagle.net/Eng/Txt/Ch5.html
it's such a beautiful read. Check it out.

I feel like I'm this really difficult place emotionally.. where a lot of pain and fear has surfaced. And I am kind of pretending that it's not happening, by holding on to my ex, or trying to run into some new self-help book that I tell myself will help me. But it's all distractions. It's a game I play so I don't have to feel what is.. but I am slowly letting go of pretense and instead starting to feel. And I am no longer medicating myself with porn, which also is new for me. I can be in intense emotion now without running..

So I end up being in this place that I perceive as chaotic because I struggle and resist, not really knowing how to be present with what is, but still knowing this is where I have to be. And I don't want to struggle and resist any more. Yesterday I prayed to god for the first time in many years. I asked the great spirit to help me heal, because I no longer want to do it alone. I need divine love and guidance.

 

[sunborn]

Hey guys,

First of all. Thank you for reading my journal. I just noticed it almost has 2000 views. I'm quite surprised. I know I write from a spiritual perspective, with a heavy focus on healing and trauma and stuff.. and that it might come off as strange. I've noticed that not many people around here have these beliefs, or are taking a journey through deep trauma. Still I'm glad some of you find it interesting enough to read. I hope what I write has been helpful to some of you and aided you in your own healing. To me, that's the beauty of sharing our experiences as they are. They become mirrors for us all. That's why I write.

I fell into another weekend binge. I had already starting edging the day before, and really went into a borderline behavior during saturday. It was just a matter of time before I fell back into it, and with some alcohol in my system the temptation was more than I could handle.  Morning after was spent running from emotional uncomfortability with pmo. Started falling into quite a lot fo self-pity and negative thoughts, but took a walk into town to break free from them. I went to a caf? and drank hot chocolate, contemplating my recent experience and found some peace of mind. Since then I've regained my balance and put my energy into taking care of myself and my home. Cleaning, resting, making sure all the necessary every-day things are in order.

I came to another realization that has been just out of my reach for a very long time. Part of why I turn to porn is that it feels more safe and comfortable to get my sexual needs met through acting out, than actually seeking to connect sexually with women. I realized my fear of connection causes me a lot of pain and grief that I don't really want to address. I'm a young healthy guy in my prime years. I long for intimacy and connection, yet I fear it just as much. Naturally I should be out in the world creating and sharing beautiful experiences with women. But I don't do it. Part of me doesn't want to because it fears getting hurt and rejected. Turning to porn is the safe route.

Then there's another part of me that's growing stronger. I can feel a part of me becoming fearless, and wanting to connect. As I was walking into town I imagined myself exploring the city with a cute girl by my side. It didn't feel dangerous. I imagined us holding hands, casually joking and talking about stuff in the shops. When I'm relaxed and comfortable I become quite playful, so I imagined me teasing her in silly ways. Cracking one of those "oh look, what's that over there?" jokes, and as she turns away to look I pull her into me giving her a kiss on the cheek laughing playfully. I have never seen myself as such a person, but I have it in me. I can feel that part of me. It holds a completely different energetic vibration than my fear-based self. I feel strong and vulnerable at the same time when I am connected to that energy.

I have to be honest with myself though. In all honesty. I would rather keep on doing porn than getting out of my comfort zone and start dating.

Admitting this sucks. It causes me pain. Is this how I want to live my life? definitely not! but that's what I feel. And I think I have to take a good honest look at that first before I can start moving away from it. I haven't allowed myself to feel this before, so I see it as a step in the right direction. I am starting to accept some of the harder truths of my addiction. It's so comfortable I would rather keep on doing it than meet real women.

I also feel a bit dishonest in my reasons for wanting to be with women. I feel a strong sexual craving.. I want to meet girls for sex, but I am afraid of connecting with them. Because I fear all the other stuff. Relationships, hanging out. Letting someone close to me. So I have this thought.. if I could just get sex with a cute girl, but not having to open up and be vulnerable to all of the other stuff, then it will all be fine. And this is also part of my addiction. On some level Porn has made me see women as objects for my own pleasure. In my craving I fail to see them as people. I just want to get laid and that's it. It's a needy and desperate energy I don't want to act from. So I have this internal struggle of accepting this in myself as well.. I have sexual needs I want to get met, and no longer through porn. But intimacy and connection scares me because I never learned to get those needs met in healthy ways. Especially not my sexual needs. So there I am not really knowing what to do haha.

I feel positive though. I can feel myself heal.. Every now and then I challenge myself to say hi to a cute girl on the dance floor, and so far I have had some nice and intimate moments in that. I'm slowly starting to see myself from a new perspective. That I perhaps am a quite nice guy that women would like to hang out with. My fear of rejection is also growing weaker as I approach more women.

Let's keep on moving forward. Life is happening now and wants us to join ?

 

[sunborn]

How's it going everyone?

There's something that's been on my mind lately that I feel the need to share. Me and my sister got together about two weeks ago and talked about our childhood and the healing journeys we are taking today. She told me she suspects that she's been sexually molested when she was a little girl. Some time ago she had a vivid dream that re-told some old events. And she's also had memories re-surface. I told her not to get stuck on the thought, since our minds are good at creating false memories. But I encouraged her to keep on exploring.

All the symptoms of having experienced that kind of sexual trauma is there.. self-harm behaviours, distorted and unhealthy relationship to her own sexuality, to sex itself and to relationships with men. Also some perverse behaviors when growing up.. playing sex games etc. Stuff that healthy kids normally don't do and shouldn't know how to do. I believe there's something to it. It would explain so much.

It was a strange coincidence to have that talk about it since I have had the same thoughts myself. Also strange that we came to the same conclusions without ever having talked about it before. A while ago I wrote about the intense reactions of nausea I sometimes get in relation to some aspects of being sexual, and that I discovered when researching it that these symptoms exclusively appear in people who have suffered some kind of sexual trauma from the past.. molestation, rape, etc. I didn't put much energy into it because I don't want to believe it could have happened to me. But when my sister told me of her experiences I'm starting to reconsider. It would fit in with the many symptoms I have been struggling with for most of my life. My sexual anorexia, my fear of intimacy, issues with abandonment and the intense reactions my body sometimes gets.

We did grow up in a strict religious movement, that from the outside has been called a cult. This movement has had controversy around it in the past for having instances of pedophilia, rape, sexual molestation and other sick abusive behaviors in their communities around the world. My sister managed to dig up some old news articles regarding our community at the time we were small children and still grew up there. They wrote that the children are being maltreated. They didn't specify what happened but someone on the inside knew bad things were happening and tried to get it out, but nothing was done about it. I mean.. If you start connecting the dots it's all there. Something could very well have happened us when we were small.

Regardless, it's in the past. I'm no longer defined by it and I am no longer a victim to it. Whatever happened to me in the past is no longer the story I tell myself today. It would be a relief to find out IF I've had these kinds of experiences, solely because then I would know where to direct my energy for proper healing. But it's not important. Proper healing will happen regardless as I work through the layers of pain that I have hidden inside of me. When the time is right I will come to the source of it, and perhaps get a clearer picture, but ultimately it will be released and I don't necessarily have to know what happened.

I have decided to dive deeper into it. Because I really want to find the root cause of all of my dysfunctional behaviors, and I suspect sexual trauma is tied together with my experiences. I just want it out of my system you know. I'm ready to let it go. But I don't have time or money for years and years of ineffective psychotherapy. The tools I'm considering to work with are psychedelics in the form of LSD and psilocybin mushroom. They are proven to be some of the most effective tools we have to work with deep trauma, and you can basically get healing work done over night that would take 10 years of regular therapy. I'm also considering hypnotherapy, since whatever it is I have experienced, it's hidden so deep inside of my subconscious I wouldn't be able to reach it alone. May I discover whatever I need to know for my healing to be complete. And may I finally be able to lay the past to rest.

Working like this is not new to me. I have used psychedelics and similar tools before in my healing. I feel I have enough experience to consciously work with this on my own and that I have acquired the right strengths to do so. I have faced my shadows and my pain for many years so I know them. I'm not afraid of what might come. Rather, I expect them. One of the dangers when digging deeply is being overwhelmed by too much. I don't fear that any more. I am the master of my own ship now.

As I continue doing the inner work I am doing right now I might perhaps discover that I don't have to go this deep. That it'll solve itself somehow. I'll have to trust my intuition and the guidance I'm given.

I just wanted to share this. Stay strong and vulnerable friends. We all deserve beauty in life, regardless of what our stories are and what wounds we carry with us from the past. Love and beauty is our birthright as human beings.