"Adversity is the diamond dust with which heaven polishes its jewels"

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IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

Active Member
I keep messing up, over and over and over since the incident. I've just been super down, and I can't seem to make it past that 3 day mark. I feel like crap; these emotions suck, and I lack the industriousness to offset my deficiencies. If I'm not feeling guilty, I'm feeling lonely. I can't win, it really feels that way.

I don't know what I'm missing to help me become a sharp optimist....
 
Q

QuitQutting

Member
Hello IAdmitItIHaveAProblem,
I'm new here and just started rebooting but still, I would like to share with you something I thought while reading your posts in this topic.

Man, be proud of yourself if you aren't right now. If you are, feel a little bit prouder. Even just a bit little is fine. From what I can see from my perspective of being a total stranger, you're doing great. And I'm speaking about your accomplishments in general, not just about rebooting.

From my point of view, you're hard working and really do work upon improving yourself. That's already enough reason to be proud of yourself but you even accomplished some feats that are remarkable for your age. And even in rebooting, you're working hard. There are many reasons (accurately described by YourBrainOnPorn) for which I can says that quitting with PMOing is objectively hard. That is no reason to start slacking off and be lenient to yourself, but I think is a reason good enough to feel prouder of your results, even if the goal is still far away.

As everyone else already said, stay strong. And also be proud of yourself. I'm rooting for you.
 
LeirTheFox

LeirTheFox

Active Member
Hey man,

You're getting momentum there. Congratulations!
How's things going? Any signs of a flatline?

Keep us informed!

Cheers,
L.
 
IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

Active Member
@leirTheFox

Nope! No flatline, but that might be because I've been so busy with so many things lately that I just haven't noticed!

Out of sight outta mind  ;D
 
IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

Active Member
Day 24

Today I overheard my dad talking on the phone about how he didn't know a guy he gave a massage to was gay this past Friday. I think it's important for you to know that my father's not a masseuse. It hit me real hard -- that my behavior is partially a result of the situation I've inherited from my upbringing. The uphill battle makes a lot of sense after thinking about this sort of thing for a good long time. But then I think something like, "my problem is still my fault," which is true, but hearing what I heard today; it helps to be able to blame something. I've probably said that before, but still. I feel like a failure and there's nothing I can do about it, nor anything I could have done to prevent it.

I know that's not the case, but still. That 'but still' is sort of an empty emotional ellipsis. I still feel emotionally desperate in spite of me consciously knowing that I'd be following my father's dis-virtuous footsteps if I caved in to complete PMO. There's just so many things, and I don't want to sound dramatic about it either. Part of my problem is that I can't draw out my creative writing ability anymore. Somewhere down the line my emotions slapped me down and now I can't write about anything except how my emotions have slapped down my skills. Now everything I write seems corny or melodramatic to me.

I'm still trying hard to rewire, so I'm gonna figure a way out of this. I just had to type it all out for some reason haha. Sorry to be such a downer, to anyone who read this.

 
 
IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

Active Member
I know exactly what got me to cave in yesterday  :-[. I know what to avoid, for both depression and that crushing feeling of emptiness one can feel. I just didn't, my mind seems to be fixed on something that just doesn't exist. But! No melodrama. Back to Day 1.
 
LeirTheFox

LeirTheFox

Active Member
Hey man,

Your story goes a long way.
What's your current situation? How's progress since you started?

Share yourself with us :)

Cheers,
L.
 
IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

Active Member
Hey, thanks Leir :D

Let's see... current situation.... You know, nothing particularly stands out as new. Progress since I've started has been like the stock market - lots of ups and downs. I have noticed a difference in my attitude since I began, in that, I feel a lot less guilt these days because of my efforts. For example, here's what I mean; I was talking with someone I know the other day about useless stuff. Well, I never knew this dude's hobbies, so I asked him, "What do you do on your spare time?" To which his word for word response enthusiastically was, "Watch movies, porn, do home improvement projects, work on projects for work.."

I was genuinely dumbfounded, like, so many people just don't care at all! Zero shame.

But you and I-- we bust our humps so hard to get away from this thing, and that my friend... that is something to be proud of. It's still difficult, sure. But there's that saying that goes, 'Nothing worthwhile comes easy'. One adjustment I've made toward fixing my problem: I changed where the internet browser can be found on my phone. I replaced its old spot with that Emergency NoFap App and a bible app  ;D It actually helped right away haha.

As far as sharing myself with you guys.. let's see... I've been super into music lately. It's been helping me a great deal, especially this vocaloid and 90s pop lol. That's not to say I don't enjoy a wide variety of genre, that's just some stuff I've been into lately. Thanks for asking! I'll add stuff if I remember anything later. Your asking of my well-being is very precious to me.
 
LeirTheFox

LeirTheFox

Active Member
IAdmitItIHaveAProblem said:
Hey, thanks Leir :D

Let's see... current situation.... You know, nothing particularly stands out as new. Progress since I've started has been like the stock market - lots of ups and downs. I have noticed a difference in my attitude since I began, in that, I feel a lot less guilt these days because of my efforts. For example, here's what I mean; I was talking with someone I know the other day about useless stuff. Well, I never knew this dude's hobbies, so I asked him, "What do you do on your spare time?" To which his word for word response enthusiastically was, "Watch movies, porn, do home improvement projects, work on projects for work.."

I was genuinely dumbfounded, like, so many people just don't care at all! Zero shame.

But you and I-- we bust our humps so hard to get away from this thing, and that my friend... that is something to be proud of. It's still difficult, sure. But there's that saying that goes, 'Nothing worthwhile comes easy'. One adjustment I've made toward fixing my problem: I changed where the internet browser can be found on my phone. I replaced its old spot with that Emergency NoFap App and a bible app  ;D It actually helped right away haha.

As far as sharing myself with you guys.. let's see... I've been super into music lately. It's been helping me a great deal, especially this vocaloid and 90s pop lol. That's not to say I don't enjoy a wide variety of genre, that's just some stuff I've been into lately. Thanks for asking! I'll add stuff if I remember anything later. Your asking of my well-being is very precious to me.
Click to expand...

Hey man,

Thanks for sharing with us. Mentioning this point of having few people who understands our quests and positions, I got to the point where I am openly against PMO ? even caring to explain if someone asks me why ? but I'm not comfortable on sharing myself as a PMO addicted in struggle for recovery. It's really strange to see people often socializing in excitement when they talk about porn, like, ranging from "how that women was hot" to "how she was doing it wildly", you name it.

I find your strategies really interesting: changing apps' positions on the phone and swapping for good tools for fighting No-PMO. I'll take that one in consideration for the next days onward, as I just got over the 1st month mark and things will be hard from now on. Watching P on mobile, however, never was a thing for me, so maybe it hasn't developed, god's grace, to be a habit.

Good thing with the music, man. I've been checking on a lot of different genres. What keeps ma mojo working, though, is the blues.

I'll keep checking your journal. The more I commit to other people's stories, more I feel compelled to not return to PMO.
It's a fight that we're not alone on battling.

And, by the way, let me congratulate you on your writing skills. They're pretty good :)

Cheers,
L.
 
IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

Active Member
Aw, thank you Leir. :)
Too much love over here.

Today has been pretty good, little jittery to be honest. Have to post today. BLAH feeling bad in spite of being all good.
 
IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

IAdmitItIHaveAProblem

Active Member
@planet_earth_is_blue
I'm well enough! Today has posed a lot of tribulation for me, but I made it through with a small scrape so far. I'm so thankful for comments like yours ;D
 
planet_earth_is_blue

planet_earth_is_blue

Member
I really appreciate the thoughtful response on my journal.

I was obviously deep in emotion at the time of writing that post, but among the impulsive thoughts is an honest reflection on my current situation. I won't be home for much longer; I start university in the Fall. I'm grateful for this transition period in my life when my character is challenged and I'm forced to develop healthy habits.

On the subject of feeling appreciated: I am loved by many. When I initially wrote that post, I wanted so badly for absolute strangers to accept me. This thought hints at my life-long struggle with perfection. I'm quite aware of it, and I'm doing my best to adapt a healthier, positive internal dialogue. Forgiveness is something I need to work on, and it starts with accepting myself.

Thanks again for showing an interest in my wellbeing. Please know that that the feeling is mutual :)
Have a good weekend.
 
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