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Whammy raised to the power whammy - The beginning of the Journey
- Thread starter akpal2
- Start date
Day 12, new year's Day. A bit of a relapse. Not complete but indulged in sexting and edging for about 15 minutes..damn it. Had woken up with a good morning wood today. Feel like shit for this bit of relapse. Didn't M or O but definitely was enjoying the dopamine rush. Not restarting the counter just yet but trying to move forward from the episode just now.
To be honest the amount of dopamine rush in those 15 minutes has me drained and making me feel slightly dizzy now. I guess this should count as a relapse then. Fuck it. For my own confidence i won't count it as a complete relapse and won't restart the counter. But I have to be careful going forward.
Readytoreboot
Active Member
Happy new year Ap2!
It happens to the best rebooters and youll push thru this. I usually feel like the dopamine rush wasn't worth it afterwards. Just keep going on your reboot, If you didnt O to P than your still on a streak. Keep your confidence high and get thru to the next day.
It happens to the best rebooters and youll push thru this. I usually feel like the dopamine rush wasn't worth it afterwards. Just keep going on your reboot, If you didnt O to P than your still on a streak. Keep your confidence high and get thru to the next day.
Thanks for checking in RDR, unfortunately I went on an edging binge after that. But you're right. I didn't feel very good after the hours long binge was over. I didn't M or O but I am furious with myself for relapsing. I was so freaking determined. But I am back on my feet and determines to fight it off. After it became a binge I might have to be honest with myself and consider this a new reboot. But I am still determined to beat this beast. It's Day 1 now. But I realized yesterday that I really am suffering from PIED which is my dopamine rush addiction. I feel surprisingly calm today and very focused. The withdrawals are gone andy brain feels alive again because the addict just received it's fix. Well, fuck the brain. The reboot starts again and this time I am again going to fight the damned withdrawals.
Day 2 after relapse. They thoughts come randomly and give me small dopamine rushes and a bit of an erection. Trying to control them like I did 2 weeks ago by consciously putting my mind in another direction. Working at it again and I will succeed. I will slay this beast. I have created a term for it. The acronym is PPSIDR (porn and porn substitute induced dopamine rush). I also want to try a bit of hypnosis this time to help me in ending this bad habit. The goal is to completely eliminate PPSIDR.
So help me God
So help me God
Day 3 after the last edging binge with no MO and morning wood came back today. Hopefully that means that the hard work of previous two weeks wasn't completely wasted.
Committed to removing PPSIDR from my life. Need to be careful with the triggers. Sexting and then edging to it and then resorting to porn is my recent operating procedure. Creating workarounds this to make sure they don't trigger me.
Committed to removing PPSIDR from my life. Need to be careful with the triggers. Sexting and then edging to it and then resorting to porn is my recent operating procedure. Creating workarounds this to make sure they don't trigger me.
Day 5, feeling a bit horny today for some reason. Did have some nocturnal wood or early morning wood but it wasn't that strong, possibly because I slept late. The background horniness is not fun. It just makes me want to give some dopamine to the brain either through porn or through plan substitute induced dopamine rush or what I term PPSIDR. I exercised a bit now and feeling slightly better but it might be a challenging day to get through.
So yesterday, I MO'd without any porn or sexual thoughts and only with touch. The reason I did this was that I was getting lot of sexual thoughts and I didn't want to edge. I remembered that Gary Wilson had said in ybop that it is much worse to think and edge for a longtime than to rub a quick one off and stop thinking about it. Plus, I must add that for me, in all my 20+ years of jacking off I don't remember ever jerking off just to touch. I always had some thoughts going on in my mind. So yesterday, to check my progress and to rewire my brain I decided to MO. The good news is that I got an erection just with touch which came and went during the process. The bad news is that it took me maybe 20 mins or half an hour of jacking to get an orgasm. Talk about delayed ejaculation. But the end result was very nice. I did have a rock hard nocturnal erection a couple of hours later as well and am feeling a bit of a chaser effect today which I am resisting.
So, in short, I am conflicted as to whether to count it as a relapse, but I am happy that for one of the few times in my life I could jack off with just touch. Now the wiring has to move to the wife again. I can't remember when the last time was when I jacked off to just touch.
So, in short, I am conflicted as to whether to count it as a relapse, but I am happy that for one of the few times in my life I could jack off with just touch. Now the wiring has to move to the wife again. I can't remember when the last time was when I jacked off to just touch.
so while masturbating just by touch was good, the chaser effect pulled me into sexting/edging this evening. Crap, i should have seen this coming. As much as I hate to, and I do think that masturbating just by touch without any thoughts was an achievement, this sexting/edging has to count as relapse.
So Day 1 starts tomorrow for a new reboot.
I am slipping but I do think I am getting better. Of course, I need to go completely hard mode but a lot of curveballs are coming my way. I won't be deterred though. It is slightly disappointing, but I will slog through.
So Day 1 starts tomorrow for a new reboot.
I am slipping but I do think I am getting better. Of course, I need to go completely hard mode but a lot of curveballs are coming my way. I won't be deterred though. It is slightly disappointing, but I will slog through.
The chaser effect was pushing me towards watching porn and I was finding myself peeking at videos. So instead I went ahead and MO'ed to touch. I am not sure if this was again only touch or there were some thoughts of P but it was definitely a lot more touch. Seems like I can finally get erections just by touching but I definitely need to get Porn out of my life.
Day 1 today.
Help me God
Day 1 today.
Help me God
stepbystep
Active Member
Hang in there! For me, the most dangerous activity is videos if I?m just randomly browsing, even if it?s not triggering. That triggers me sometimes and it only takes a second for it to escalate to triggering videos. So I avoid it completely now and it?s been helping me a lot. Keep up the good work and keep posting.
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
Hi ak,
Made it through your journal, and despite how you may be feeling now, you've done some amazing work. The stretches you've made it, the progress you've made with your wife and such, it's impressive.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. This is the worst time to be dealing with an addiction, it's not fair to anyone going through anything, let alone an addiction. But when you're feeling bad, try to remember how far you've come, and let that progress push you through to the end of this. Idk if this will help you, but when I'm nearing the end of something and struggling to motivate myself, or struggling to keep moving, I just say to myself "Let's close this out." Just kind of brings me back down to Earth and reminds me I'm almost there. It's still hard, but you've got a backlog of progress I'd kill for right now.
Stay strong. Looking forward to reading more.
Made it through your journal, and despite how you may be feeling now, you've done some amazing work. The stretches you've made it, the progress you've made with your wife and such, it's impressive.
I'm sorry you're struggling right now. This is the worst time to be dealing with an addiction, it's not fair to anyone going through anything, let alone an addiction. But when you're feeling bad, try to remember how far you've come, and let that progress push you through to the end of this. Idk if this will help you, but when I'm nearing the end of something and struggling to motivate myself, or struggling to keep moving, I just say to myself "Let's close this out." Just kind of brings me back down to Earth and reminds me I'm almost there. It's still hard, but you've got a backlog of progress I'd kill for right now.
Stay strong. Looking forward to reading more.
Readytoreboot
Active Member
Hey Akpal2, youre gonna get thru the week. Its always tough in the beginning and it can feel like misery and hell sometimes but you'll get thru it. The hardest time for me is in moments of boredom and I try to keep myself active most of the day. Stay strong buddy