Whammy raised to the power whammy - The beginning of the Journey
- Thread starter akpal2
- Start date
Lol, Chris, thanks but Day 13 isn't going well, I got a trigger on whatsapp and before I knew it I was on autopilot. Heartbeat through the roof and browsing porn. I browsed for about 5 mins before I got to my senses and realized WTF am I doing. Pulled myself off and calmed down a little bit. The autopilot was awful, zero mindfulness of what I was doing.
The good thing is that abstaining more P mostly in the last one month has definitely weakened the pathways in the brain that were wired to porn. They are still strong but definitely not as strong maybe 5 weeks ago. My heartbeat was through the roof but my response (i.e. my erection to the stimulus) was definitely weaker. Also once I realized that my autopilot is on (after about 5 mins) I was able to get off. The thing is that the longer I was watching the stronger my reaction was getting, i am guessing it was reactivating the old pathways. Having pulled myself off of it, I feel ok now and hoping that cravings don't return. It is going to be a heck of a ride.
Day 13 begins with a bang.
The good thing is that abstaining more P mostly in the last one month has definitely weakened the pathways in the brain that were wired to porn. They are still strong but definitely not as strong maybe 5 weeks ago. My heartbeat was through the roof but my response (i.e. my erection to the stimulus) was definitely weaker. Also once I realized that my autopilot is on (after about 5 mins) I was able to get off. The thing is that the longer I was watching the stronger my reaction was getting, i am guessing it was reactivating the old pathways. Having pulled myself off of it, I feel ok now and hoping that cravings don't return. It is going to be a heck of a ride.
Day 13 begins with a bang.
Linking to your journal, akpal2!
Cool counter, by the way.
We can do this!
Cool counter, by the way.
We can do this!
Chris Oz
Well-Known Member
Yeah, I do go on autopilot too sometimes. It's like I'm being controlled. I can't even think. All that's upstairs watch porn....feed what youv'e seen. And yeah heartbeat and erection will be at the top. And then after few minutes, you then realize what you're doing and are given the chance to respond - continue or drop it. But those few minutes you've had has given you a lot if ideas, thoughts, flashbacks and it takes the grace of God to choose from it. 75 % of the time it's continue.
I really feel you man. Watch out for the chaser effect and urges, they are not done with you. Your whole day is gonna be war. But guess what, you can do it. You can do it and beat the odds.
I really feel you man. Watch out for the chaser effect and urges, they are not done with you. Your whole day is gonna be war. But guess what, you can do it. You can do it and beat the odds.
Chris Oz said:
Thanks for the advice Chris, the whole day was miserable yesterday. I again resorted to sexting and edging later in the day thanks to my autopilot in the morning. Managed to wean myself off the sexting again. Yesterday was a bad day. I didn't consumer much porn and didn't MO but plenty of p subs in sexting. I am not resetting my counter just because I think while it was bad it could have been much worse.
Feeling a bit calm today but this is going to be one hell of a journey.
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
I'm also very impressed you stopped browsing before letting it escalate. That's some serious progress! Stay strong!
Day 15, the edging and sexting the day before yesterday resulted in a significantly weaker morning wood today. Just a day of half slip ups can cost us dearly. A full blown relapse could be a killer, need to focus on staying sober. So in the past 5 weeks I have 4 weeks of sobriety and 1 week of relapses where I MO'd to touch and was careful to try and keep the thoughts away. However a couple of days i did peek at porn and then edging/sexting was there (which is so frustrating), so definitely making some progress but need total and complete abstinence from artificial stimulation.
Will try something next week with the wife to start a bit of rewiring. The morning wood is coming regularly now but i need more human touch and less screen time and thoughts.
Was just browsing the newspaper online and man, one isn't safe even there. Scantily clad women showing up in the ad bar on the side. God damn it, almost triggered me when i noticed but i quickly scrolled down.
Will try something next week with the wife to start a bit of rewiring. The morning wood is coming regularly now but i need more human touch and less screen time and thoughts.
Was just browsing the newspaper online and man, one isn't safe even there. Scantily clad women showing up in the ad bar on the side. God damn it, almost triggered me when i noticed but i quickly scrolled down.
TheHeartacheKid
Active Member
You've got this man, saw a trigger and got away from it. Brain is already showing signs of rewiring. Ask yourself if this was before you started recovery what would have happened? I'm guessing you would have looked at the ad for a minute, then gone off to look at P or even PMO? But now, your first (or even second) instinct was to look away. Brain is clearing demonstrating the changes you've been working for. Good signs!
TheHeartacheKid said:
Thanks hak, yes indeed, this is exactly what would have happened before the reboot. You got it down to a tee. I would have started at it for a min and then run for P.
Day 16, since yesterday there has been a constant mild horniness in the background for me and I am trying not to pay attention to it. My brain wants me to MO somehow. In the past 5 weeks I have relapsed for 1 week and that when I MO'd 3 times in one week I did it mostly to touch and without any thoughts because I want to move away from wiring to thoughts or pixels. Of course, I did sext a few times in last 5 weeks but the frequency has been going down. Morning wood has been consistent and the strength of wood is inversely proportional to my p and p-sub use in the preceding few days. For example I sexted and edged 3 days ago, the first day wood was almost non-existent, the next 2 days its getting better and better. So yes, I have to be careful. OF course not having sex is a problem since I am married and I can't completely get away from that.
So due to lockdown we can't see doctors in person in most places and wife is getting increasingly agitated for the low volume and stressful sex in our 6 year marriage. I never told her of my p addiction obv, and while my previous reboot helped in sustaining me for some time but the relapse for the last couple of years has made things bad again. So this time I consulted a doctor online and I have been prescribed viagra. Let's see how sex goes with viagra. I know it won't work if the problem in the brain i.e. P dependence on novelty is too much, but I am hoping that my dependency has decreased enough to at least get me to have successful success with my wife once a week. Fingers crossed. I have seen a few cases where people about 2 months into their reboot successfully managed to have sex with these drugs. I am hoping for something similar. Using these drugs as an aid to recovery and then wean myself off them.
I should have it with me some time next week, we'll see how that goes. Until then I will keep myself in complete abstinence from artificial stimuli.