My nofap journey (journal)

[Blu88]

Day 15

Today I had a good day. Mood swings are so freaking strong: I pass from a day on depression to a day in which I feel great! It's incredible how rewiring the brain leads to such a mess up!

I didn't have headache at all. I have just a cold, but it will for sure pass. i remember I had a cold even at days 15-20 of my last streak: can it be another withdrawal sympthom? I don't think so, but I thought it was worth to wonder it.
I didn't have urges, but I began to think to look for a hooker. I dismissed the idea almost immediantly though!

In the morning a worked out (great run I did) and then had cold shower. In the last 15 days I had 14 cold showers: it definitly pay off! This journey is so easy especially thank of cold shower! True I rewired in the past streak, true I am following a lot all the goals I set (journaling here and monitor my day-by-day situation on an Excel file), but I've never had this control in my body.

Day 16 awaits me! I will do my best to let it be fine as day 15!

 

[Blu88]

Day 16

This morning at 6:30 my cat awaken me by meowing. I went back to sleep and woke up at 10:30... Had a short day and several not useful things to do: sorted stuff for a fantaleague I'm joining, sent some CVs, wrote a letter on behalf of my mom and looked for a payment receipt I thought was lost.
I haven't done several things I should have done (like working out), so now, at the end of the day, I feel unsatisfied!
I didn't have headaches, just very mild ones right after meals. I had urges: not strong or uncontrollable, but still I am glad they showed up (it was too weird staying 15 days urgless!).

In one hour I want to take cold shower which today I didn't do.

Recently I've been noticing two things during this streak:
1) I am irascible like a spoled baby! I get upset for bulls**t even though I am the first one to know it's bulls**t. This is not a nice feeling. I guess it's a withdrawal sympthom.
2) I am always - not hungry but - craving for sweet food (cake, kinder's junk sweeties, biscuits, ice cream...). I believe it is my brain asking for dopamine rush/release, since I cut off the past main suorce of it: PMO!
I hope this will pass because it's not confortable to live like this.

Tomorrow it's day 17! More than half month has gone, 1/6 of the journey had been achieved. Let's do all the best to keep it on!!!

 

[Blu88]

Day 17

Today it was a good day. I feel optimistic and satisfied for what I've done during the day which was positive and productive.
The first thing I did this morning was working out by running and took cold shower after that. I didn't have headache at all, nor urges. I've meet two friends, which is a step ahead than my recent days' social life.
Tomorrow another very busy day awaits me! 

 

[Blu88]

Day 18

Another good day! I was busy all the time.
Had some thought about relapsing only in the early afternoon, when I was alone at home. For the rest, no urges at all!
I got a phone call from a possible employer. It shaped the rest of the day, since I will have to move away from the place I've grown up. But the idea of new experience makes me feel so excited!!!
I had very mild and very short headaches only after lunch and after dinner.
I had cold shower just after woken up.

 

[Blu88]

Day 19

I felt fine the whole day, fine motivated and busy!
I didn't have any urge.
I didn't workout, but had cold shower!
I had headache only right after lunch.

 

[Blu88]

Day 20

An awful day. It began waking up by phone at 8:45 when the previous night I went to sleep at 3:30 am. So I had headache during the whole day.
Then I was waiting a phone call by a possible employer. That phone call never came and it made me have a lot of paranoia, beyond a feeling of rejection. Yeah, rejection, one of the most powerful triggers again! In fact, I had urge, pmo's thoughts, cravings to fap. I didn't relapse, I managed everything. I'm by far stronger than how I was in my previous attempts.
In the afternoon I slep 2-3 hours. It was a freaking unoroductive day. I feel disappointed by how I spent my time today. I had the very weak justification I had severe headache due to lack of sleep and was focused on waiting that phone call. Nevertheless, I know I must be stronger than things like these. I should (and I could) have done productive things.
The only good note is the same: cold shower! When I took my dailt cold shower I was reliefed. My mood improved all of sudden, headache decreased, urges faded and - above all - I was less bothered by the not receiving that phone call! It could have happened so many things that who knows what's going on! Monday I will figure out what happened. Also, I must be less anxious. Anxiety will lead me to failures and disappointments.
Now it's time to go to sleep. I will try to make something useful before falling asleep!

 

[Blu88]

Day 21

So, another week has gone! Actually it was the third of this streak. Day 21 is the 50% of my previous streak!
It's amusing how easly it went. I didn't have any overwhelming urge so far. It must be my brain healing from pmo's addiction!

The new is that I had mood swings in the same day!
I woke up full of energy, motivated and eager about everything. In the late afternoon I had a drop of motivation and lowering of the mood. I believe it was because I surrendered to food's cravings! Do you think there is any link between mood and food? i ate some biscuits and I felt by far worse than I was feeling! The only answer I can give is that I had a dopamine release which made me feel like that.

I had headache only in the late afternoon (when I had the mood drop) and no urges for the whole day. How could I? I went to run this morning and it was an amazing workout. After that I took another amazing cold shower. I'm mastering cold showers better and better, but the fear of entering there still survives! I noticed that the hardest thing is to make the cold water flow on the head! It's a feeling like it freezes! I should find out more about this.

Well, in 7 minutes will begin my day 22, the first day of the forth week. I want to take down even the week 4! Come on, let's do it!!!

 

[CrazyGopher]

Hey Blu, congrats on three weeks! 21 days! Awesome ;D

In the late afternoon I had a drop of motivation and lowering of the mood. I believe it was because I surrendered to food's cravings! Do you think there is any link between mood and food? i ate some biscuits and I felt by far worse than I was feeling!

In my own experience, absolutely there is a link. After I eat food I feel weaker, less motivated, and I have to be more careful about triggers.

Perhaps the dopamine link explains why intermittent fasting can be helpful while rebooting?

(But if anyone tries it, be careful and make sure you drink plenty of water! )

 

[Blu88]

Hey Blu, congrats on three weeks! 21 days! Awesome ;D

In the late afternoon I had a drop of motivation and lowering of the mood. I believe it was because I surrendered to food's cravings! Do you think there is any link between mood and food? i ate some biscuits and I felt by far worse than I was feeling!

In my own experience, absolutely there is a link. After I eat food I feel weaker, less motivated, and I have to be more careful about triggers.

Perhaps the dopamine link explains why intermittent fasting can be helpful while rebooting? (If anyone tries it, be careful and make sure you drink plenty of water! )

Thank you very much! I will read it as soon as I will be able for properly doing it!

 

[Blu88]

Day 22

A productive day I had good mood and motivation!

I had strong urges in the morning while I was studying some stuff. My will power and my amazing accountability partner helped me to not relapse! I'm still on the streak. After those urges I had a very good workout and cold shower after that; try to guess what happened? Urges disappeared for the whole day and I felt good!
I slept a little bit in the afternoon, but when I woke up I settled some stuff I had to do for job, met a friend and corrected my CV!
During the day I had weak and seldom headaches.
I'm just happy to begin a new day tomorrow! Probably my mood and feeling ate slowly fixing in a positive way!

 

[risingagain2016]

very nice.
things are going great on your side.
pull us man.
thanks.

 

[Blu88]

very nice.
things are going great on your side.
pull us man.
thanks.

Yeah! Better and better! Thanks to you for the comment

 

[isaboy15]

You rock dude!

 

[mat]

Keep it up partner!! Im really putting 100 on 100% now to reach these 90 days in one time. I will not give up, neither do you  8)

 

[Blu88]

Day 23

It was a very fine day!
In the morning I went to donate blood although doctors didn't allow me to do that because of anti-allergical medicinal assumption. Then I adjusted my CV again.
In the afternoon I fixed some meetings for the next day and then went out hanging out with people until midnight (I went to a club with friend). So I would say it was a fine social day, which I really needed!

I didn't have any urge since I was so busy. Also, I didn't have headaches (and almost even didn't realize it). Didn't go running, but walked so much that I can consider I made half workout.

Nevertheless, I feel upset due to something happened tonight when I came back home. I was in whatsup and from one gruop I use with some "friends" for a game, starts a conversation. In this conversation, at a certain point one guy asks me a question; I kindly reply to the question and he writes back arrogantly and unpolitely. So I answer with the same tone claiming I'm ending the conversation and leaving the group if that tone goes on. I received even worse answers than before, so I left the group without any further comment. I was (and still am) upset for this reason, so I tried to take cold shower, which I didn't have during the day. It only partially worked in this.
What are the consideration I took from this happening?
1) smartphone and whatsup overuse is dangerous for me, since it brings me to this kind of argues; it's compulsive for me to reply and bring further conversation I should normally have left;
2) my reaction came out for unpoliteness and arrogance of this guy, regardless the topic was a stupid game;
3) I made well to answer in the same tone he did, so next time he will not dare to be so arrogant and unpolite; unluckly, in life beign superior and ignore everything doesn't pay off; there is also the moment to be badass, otherwise some kind of people will take confidencies I don't want to give them;
4) above all, I mustn't get in long messages by whatsup! I've already found out that it brings harm to me and for a certain time I stopped; I began again last week and what happened tonight is its outcome; I will keep track of this and will do everything in order to prevent situations like tonight's;
5) cold shower helped, but not at the point it usually does with my mood (probably it's because I did it at an unusual time- 1:30 am - or probably because I did it without washing me so it was faster).

By the way, this could be a trigger I'm actually defusing by have written it here. Indeed now I feel better.

Day 24 already started. I will report what's going on

 

[Blu88]

Day 24

Another positive day. Everything is going better and better. I'm optimistic, motivated, full of energy and without regrets!
This morning I went to run, then cold shower, then lunch, then job interview, then went to make photocopies of some documents, then spammed an event on FB, then went with a friend to drink something, then dinner, then collecting informations for tomorrow and now I'm here on the bed!
I didn't have headache, just a little bit after the job interview.
I was totally busy! Didn't even have time to have urges or waste time in smartphone! I didn't sleep well though, so I'm tired like hell! Tomorrow awaits me another extremly busy day. I'm so happy!!!

While walking, today I was thinking about my libido. Actually, I don't have any! I even don't feel to try to hook up a girl. Do you think it's normal? If I had a terrible mood and no will, I would have thought I'm on flatline, but it's not my case. I feel good, full of energy and motivation... By one side it's good, so I don't have any temptation to break my 90 days' hardmode journey. And it also protects me from having urges. I will deepen this topic in further comments!

 

[isaboy15]

Hey man sometimes it can take a while for libido to return. Just keep up the good work and you'll be fine. You're doing so awesome, man. I admire your progress. Keep pushing!

 

[Blu88]

Day 25

I was out of my town for an interview and for looking for a flat to rent. The interview would have gone well if the job's conditions weren't so disadvantagious. In the end it will be me to not accept the job offer. I'm disappointed and bothered because I invested time and energies to fix stuff for getting this job which in the end wasn't absolutely worth it. So now as now I feel bad and anxious. Neverthess, the rest of the day was nice! I went with my mum in a town which is 3 hours of car travelling from my town; we had a delicious lunch; also choosing the flat turned out to be an activity we enjoyed. So I want to take all what happened today as a good experience and as something taught me new things. I felt bad on saturday when this employer was supposed to call me and he didn't do it, while I was happy on monday when he showed his availability to hire me: it was everything senseless, since working for him turned out to not pay off. In the future I must have more balance, more control and master better my feelings.

For the rest: no urge, medium intensity headache for the whole day, made cold shower and didn't work out.

Now I'm tired. Tomorrow morning I'll fix everything.

 

[Blu88]

Day 26

I'm texting in the morning of day 27.
An avarage day: nothing special, nothing tragical.
Had headache after lunch and it didn't pass at all although I took medicine.
Didn't have any urge since I was busy the whole day; just some sex' thought.
My mood was quite good the whole day.

 

[Blu88]

Day 27

It's pretty hard to describe the day when at its end I broke my mom's car's mirror. I'm so nervous I would like to destroy something by rage. This actually pushes me to relapse, but I won't!
I had urges also this morning but I managed them.
Went to work out and had cold shower.
In the morning I made a lot of useful stuff.
I had a really good mood if it wasn't for this last happening of the car. I just hope the reparation won't be too espansive.