My nofap journey (journal)

[Blu88]

Day 28

I'm reporting this at 20:05 because I feel I have to write.
It's so blank day. I spent all the time alone at home sending CVs by my laptop. I have different feelings:

1) anxiety for what happened yesterday with my mom's car (I broke its mirror) and fear the reparation will cost too much,
2) disappointment and regret because I found out I made a mistake in the english CV after have sent it to several firms,
3) worries because I modified my CV since one thing was written there could have been misunderstood,
4) sadness and lonelyness thinking that so far I don't have a job (althought I am very well educated), money (I finished by travelling those I saved in the past), girlfriend (I don't want to try out any girl until I will not be sucessful in a full reboot cycle) and (what's scaries me the most) friends (I have a lot of acquiastances, but who can I call "friend"? To who can I tell everything? Who would help me in moments of need? Who can I call just for hanging out? The answer is scary: none at all! I should depeen this topic!),
5) satisfaction because I spread so many CVs that I definitly should be proud about how my day was productive,
6) proudness for not have relapsed in a day I was completly alone at home, didn't work out, didn't take cold shower!

So yeah, in all this situation one thing is sure: I have the feelings pmo normally would have dumbed! It's a swing of feelings and I know my brain will set everything by the time required for rebooting.
Although today the battle is still not over, I can say that the week 4 has gone. Almost one month passed, almost 1/3 of the journey is achieved.

There are some things I'm negletting and by tomorrow I want to take care of them!

Be strong my nofapper fellows!

EDIT: follow news from the following morning (monday morning).

After I wrote the report, I told myself I would make a cold shower and then have dinner. From that moment I was stuck on my bed and I didn't move. I had a drop of mood, depression overwhelmed me, I began to cry and I cried for some minutes.
Then I called my friend to talk about other stuff. After several time, I decided to take shower, but not cold: hot shower. I decided it for a few reasons: I have an Excel file where I track some datas and taking cold shower is one of them, so I've always had cold shower and wanted to have one red square (when something didn't work in a day) at the cold shower's column; then I justified it thinking that I'm in bad mood so I need to be praised; finally, it's more than one month I'm taking cold showers, so why not have one hot once?
So I took a hot shower (half an hour or even more!), but in the end of it I turned to completly cold and kept it for 15-20 seconds. After tha shower I felt my head heavy, similarly (but in smaller measure) as if I relapsed!
Then I went to buy dinner, watched TV and went to sleep.

What also bothers me is that I'm chasing my goals less than I was doing when I began. I'm not studying a new language for days and I'm training english less than I was doing when I began this streak. That's the utility of my Excel file: I can track these progress and correct what I'm doing. So from monday I want to restart in making useful and productive stuff!

Finally, yesterday I ate sweet and coloric food and my mood dropped: I must be carefull about it if the outcomes ate those! I'm cutting such kind of food!

 

[Blu88]

Day 29

An avarage day characterized by heavy mood swings! At a certain point I was so depressed I wanted to cry, while in another moment I was optimistic, motivated and full of energy.
After lunch I had hard urges while I was learning one thing on my laptop: therefore I turned it off and went to do something else. It was a dangerous situation I avoided in this way.
I've almost haven't had headache.
I took a cold shower! What a nice feeling it was!

In the morning I bought my mom's car to repair; they will give it back wednsday. The cost was high so I'm a little bit nervous about it.

Tomorrow it will be day 30. One third of the journey! At that point I will report the outcomes that emerge from Excel file I was filling every day. Will do the same at day 60's report

 

[Blu88]

Day 30

One third of the journey has gone!
I feel pretty fine today. It was a different day, spent out of my city for a job interview. The interview itself went fine, although the pay is not enough, so I think I'm going to decline the job. It's a pity because I would have liked it!
I had headache essentially because last night I haven't slep enought. I woke up at 6 am and arriveded almost two hours in advance.
When I came back home I fell asleep due to tiredness.
I didn't have time to have urges, but neither for working out and taking cold shower!
My mood is ok. No swings, no pessimims, no depression.
I've also noticed that I don't have pervert thoughts anymore. In previous streaks, at more or less day 10 they began to torment me. This is another good sign that I'm healing and a further motivation to keep doing this nofap journey.

Now - as soon as I turn on my laptop - I'm going to draw conclusions of my first 30 days.

 

[Blu88]

So, I'm going to report 30 day's conclusions!
I need to claim a premise: since monday the 18th of january I am signing, in the end of every day, on an Excel file some datas which in my opinion are useful. These datas are if I worked out, if I took cold shower, if I had social interaction, if I had headaches, if I had urges, how was my mood and then there is a column titled as "other" for everything I believe is relevant and worth to track. Very square is colored in green or yellow or red: green means that it went fine, red means it went bad, yellow means it went not bad but neither fine. For example, if one day I had strong urges, the urge's square of that day will be colored in red, if I didn't have headache the headache's square of that day will be colored green and so on... Finally, every day has a color as overall judgement (if the day was positive, negative or neutral).

Give all that, I can began with the analysys.

In the first 30 days of my streak I had 8 green days, 15 yellow days, 7 red days.
In 13 days I didn't have urges, in 11 days I had mild urges and in only 6 days I had strong urges.
In 12 days I had good mood, in 10 days I had avarage mood (not so good, nor that bad), in 8 days I had bad mood.
In 4 days I had good social interations, in 15 days I had social interation (smaller or less satisfying), in 11 days I didn't have any social interation.
In 12 days I went running, in 4 days I didn't go to run but had long walks, in 14 days I haven't done nothing at all.
In 25 days I took cold shower, in 4 days I didn't have shower at all, in one day I took hot shower (although with cold ending).

So what to say?
1) the overall judgement of the days is pretty balanced,
2) I didn't have had much urges; this is because I had really good streaks in the past and my brain rebooted by that time!
3) surprisingly, my mood is going well
4) I should work out more often
5) I must work on social; it's the only bad report I have, and it's important for a proper reboot; I will work out something!

 

[Blu88]

Day 31

A positive day. I'm not in seventh heaven, but I'm fine.
This morning I had an unexlectedly good job interview. I met some friends in the afternoon and in the evening I hung out with my brother.
I didn't have urge, since I was busy the whole day; had mild ones only tonight. I had cold shower this morning. I didn't work out. Had very mild headache before dinner, I believe because I took chocolade

 

[Blu88]

Day 32

Also today I'm fine. I'm happy about all I did and what happened.
I spent most of the day studying english: I began this morning, then I went to take back my mom's car, had lunch, studied english for three hours, then I watched a movie, had dinner and then I went out to watch a movie in english!
I didn't have urges, even though I was studying something. Usually studying triggers me, but today it didn't.
I didn't work out, nor I had cold shower. I really should begin to take cold showers again and work out too!
I had headache after lunch so I took medicine and it passed thank to it.
At 13:30 I went to make an english test. Tonight the teacher spoilered me some outcomes: extremly good grammar knowledge (which I didn't expect), far beyond worse speaking, writing a little worse than speaking and level A2 reading. It was very very strange for me! I actually read well in english, so I speak and all you can see I can write (I'm nor using any translator when I post here!), although I make some mistakes... I felt quite strange such corrections... So I felt a little bit bothered. But it's ok, tomorrow they will tell me everything and I'm so curious!!!

I'm at -10 from my last streak and 32 full days is my second best streak in hard mode! I'm doing really good, but the pmo's fiend is always ready to overwhelm my brain with uncontrollable urges! So that I must be carefull in not understimate this challange and keep the guard up!

 

[Blu88]

Day 33

I'm writing in the morning of day 34.
I had a good day, very productive. I've studied english almost the whole time and watched a movie in english. When I wasn't doing it, it was because I stayed with my brother while he was playing video games and due to headache.

The first thing (staying with my brother while he was playing videogames) happened in the morning and a good thing I noticed is that I felt guilty and unconfortable because I felt I was wanting my time. Under pmo's effect I wouldn't care that I was wasting time: infact, now I'm regretting all the time I wasted when I was younger and when I was younger I was extremly heavy pmo addicted! So this is another improvment.

The second thing (headache) occured in the afternoon, from right after lunch to the evening. I did my best in studying, but when I completed the Unit I stopped due to strong headache. I tryed to make cold shower for let it pass: it partially worked, but not at all,

I had some urges, but nothing I couldn't manage.

So now the week end begins and the weekend is the hardest part of my pmo journey. Actually it is my fault, because if I had someone to hang out on the week end, it would have been the exact contrary: I could go out and avoid any pmo's trigger.

I'm very happy of all the improvments I'm making. I've never told about superpowers, but if I think about how I was while heavly addicted to pmo and how I am now, I can notice that actually:
1) I'm more motivated to make useful and productive things (learning english, working out...),
2) i'm more concentrated and focused,
3) I'm not unconfortable or anxious with people or even in asking things to strangers,
4) I don't have sexual la pervert thoughts I had in the past,
5) I don't have permanent anxiety showing up as that bothering feeling in the stomach.

So let's take the streak to 90 days and then no pmo at all for the rest of the life!!!

 

[Blu88]

Day 34

Another good day!
In the morning I studied english. In the afternoon I watched a movie in english, studied english, went to check how I did my english tests, then studied english and finally I went out in my friend's home for dinner with two of my friends we were at high school together!
Some time ago, I had a sort of arguement with one of this friends, so I was unconfortable in the beginning. But by staying there and talking, the unconfortableness slowly faded!
I didn't have any urge at all, nor headache. Also, I haven't taken cold shower, nor have worked out.

 

[Blu88]

Day 35

Even today it was a good day!
I'm surprised how the quality of my beign is improving. Well, it's not going every day better, but the bad days has by far been reduced since when I had stopped PMOing! So I'm happy of such an improvment. It's going by steps and I will have to work on my social life and relationships as soon as I will have finished to set up myself!

I haven't done cold shower, nor I've worked out.
No headacheas for the whole day.
I had some thought of relapsing only in short moments in the afternoon.

With tonight, my 5 pmo's week has been completed, achieved! I'm one week far from reaching my last streak! This is actually great I'm doing so fine, but I mustn't catch off guard, because this addiction is so subtle it can hit me when I expect it the least!

 

[Blu88]

Day 36

Another fine day!
I've studied english for almost all the time! I slept in the afternoon (that's the negative part) and then studied english again and finally watched videos in english. All this english studying is fulfilling me, making my days positive and productive. In fact, my mood is going well!
I have so few days in which I feel bad. This nofap really works and affect your mood. I've noticed it by tracking how I feel day by day and I really see the improvments. There see less mood swings, less depression, less anxiety, less paranoia, self hopelessness feeling... Pmo really destroys people!
I didn't work out, but I took a cold shower. Cold shower after two days not taking it was shocking, I suffered almost the same as I suffered the first time I've done it. But it turned out to be worth it: as soon as I finished, I began to make again english "homeworks" from which I had taken a long break at a certain moment of the morning.
I had some mild urges, but I have easly overcome them.
Weak headache, but I noticed how chocolade triggered it!

 

[Blu88]

Day 37

Not a good day. Not a that bad day too, but it would have been worrying if also today I had had a good day.
I woke up late, too late for wishing of beign productive. Had a job interview which has been postponed by telling me two hours before it. I studied english less than I scheduled to study. And finally - above all - for dinner I ate two pizzas: what a bad idea! After have eaten two pizzas I had a drop of mood and headache began again. I had headache after lunch, but it faded after taking medicine and showed up again when I had such a dinner. What I eat is important and I mustn't give up to such a lust! It triggers me headache and causes bad mood! I must be more aware in the future.
Didn't work out but took a cold shower before having breakfast.
Had urges and sex thoughts but I managed. They were not that strong so it wasn't a so big deal.

Day 38 has already begun! Wish me good luck

 

[Blu88]

Day 38

I had a really good day again!
I made three jobs interviews and all of them went fine. It will depend on the pay, but I'm glad things are moving on.
I woke up very late (and that's the bad note), studied english, which I didn't do enaught, made those interviews and then went to play football with my friends. Before going to sleep I watched a movie in english.
My mood was good during the whole day. I was a little bit anxious before the phone calls, but it was a good way to go out of my comfort zone.
I had headache only after dinner, when I was watching the movie.
I didn't have urges at all. Just a little bit of feeling to touch, but it wasn't edging, nor any relapse.
I took two cold showers: one in the morning and one after the football match!

Day 39 has already begun. There are three intermediate goals before achieving the final day 90 goal:
1) day 42 (-3) my last streak,
2) day 45 (-6) 50% of the journey,
3) day 73 (-34) my record in hard mode.
I'm so motivated in doing it! Let's take it on!!!

 

[Blu88]

Day 39

A bad day. Checking the notes I made along in this journey, I would definitly tell that it took even too much time (9 days actually) since I experienced my last bad day!
I woke up late and besides this morning, my mood and feelings are a mess. I felt lack of confidencies, demotivation, hopelessness, pessimism, paranoia and depression. In the night I've even cried. I'm anxious about the future. Even a dinner with friends taking place in saturday evening scaries me. It's incredible how mood swings can affect a chap during a reboot!
Maybe it's not a coincidence that I had quite strong urges in the afternoon along with sex fantasies and porno thoughts (focused on a video I pmoed often). I overcame the urges, but can't ignore there might be a link between them and this mood.
Anyhow, I should assume that this is a withdrawal effect which means my brain is rebooting, it's c changing and it's not at all a harmless process. So let's pick up this positive thing.
I didn't have a cold shower, nor I had a workout.

From tomorrow to monday I'm going to be completly alone. Although I shouldn't be spending much time at home, it must concern me that pmo requires 5 minutes of weakness. I'm heavily committed to not relapse, but I really mustn't catch off my guard.
Tomorrow will be day 40, a really nice achievment. Let's make it as make the rest of the journey!

 

[Blu88]

Day 40

A good day. It's so weird how it changes from a day to another.
I made warm shower and I actually regret it. Didn't have headache at all.
Had a good time with four friends at a course.
Didn't work out, essentially because I was feeling bad after yesterday's match!

 

[Blu88]

Day 41

By writing at the very exact end of the day, I'm feeling unsatisfied.
I hadn't done how much I expected from myself. In the morning I wasted a lot of time, although I watched a long video in english, sent two emails and retrieved some information. In the afternoon I met a friend to buy a gift for another friend's birthday party which was tonight. Studied english and then I went at this party.
How was the party? I didn't enjoy it at all. I didn't line the place, but what is a concern is that I didn't like to hang out with people. It was a company I don't feel comfortable with and actually know it is my fault! I really must work on my social life which actually is a mess. But on the other hand I tell to myself that I should wait to reach 90 days before taking care of it. I really don't know what is better to do, everything seems so complicated...!
I had shower, warm again... I turned to cold only for the last 5-10 minutes. I need to begin again to make a harsh regime of cold showers; they see so helpful I shouldn't neglect doing them.
I didn't work out... That's another thing I should begin to do again aswell.
Had some urges and touched myself but didn't edge and of course didn't relapse or watched sexual content.
One weird thing is that I made a dream which made me think I yesterday I relapsed and I have to reset my counter. I felt soooo bad for it... It was something sexual. I am so reliefed that now I know it was just a dream!

42 minutes ago it began my day 42. 42 days ago I relapsed by fapping 6 times, breaking my record which was 5 fap in a day. It is going very important for me to overcome tomorrow!

 

[Blu88]

Day 42

I made it to the first goal: overcome my previous streak!
I had an avarage day: not particulary good, nor a bad one.
I didn't work out, didn't take cold shower. Had headache after lunch which passed me taking the medicine.
It was a socially very good day. I had lunch outside with a friend and dinner in a friend's flat with three friends. I had a good time with them.
Had some weak urges in the afternoon but I easly got rid of them.

I began to wonder wether I'm on flatline or not. I have less motivation in everything and of course I don't feel I want a woman. My libido is still absent. In fact, urges are not overwhelming too!

So week 6 has gone. From now to the day 73, this is going to be my second best streak in hard mode. In 32 days I will have broken my record and from that moment other 17 days will miss to hit the greatest goal. I'm so excited for that...!

 

[Blu88]

Day 43

A positive day for what I've done, a negative way for my physical condiction.
I slept only 5 hours so I expected I will have been having headache for the whole day.
I sent some useful emails, sent some CV to job offerers and watched english videos. In the morning I took two friends to make some stuff.
I haven't worked out.
I went to sleep at 9 pm and woke up at 1:50 am. Now it's half past two when I can't get asleep again to cope with an engaging day awaiting me.

There are two things I currently and actually focus on: withdrawal sympthoms and cold shower negletting.

1) Withdrawal sympthoms
In the last days I have been experiencing more severe withdrawal sympthoms than I have ever had in the past. Headaches are more frequent and stronger. But above all, it's for 3-4 days I wake up in the middle of the night; even now I'm writing because I woke up in the night. I read some rebooters reporting insomnia as withdrawal sympthom, so I believe I can point it to the rebooting process, at least I hope. Did this happen to anyone of you?
Furthermore, I'm definitly on flatline again. I can recognize it because I don't feel eager for anything. I am demotivated. My energy is not the same it was some days ago. I know it's my rewiring painful process, but this really sucks!
Still, I had a 42 days long streak before this one which is at its day 43. Ti means that in 86 days I have fapped only in one day (althought 6 times!). Considering I'm on hard mode, this means I've been holding my semen for 85 days (with one day break): it should be some downback in this, it shouldn't be 100% healthy. Do you know more about the subject?

2) Negletting cold shower
As a part of flatline's lack of motivation, I am negletting cold shower daily taking. In the last 4 days I had three hot showers and no shower at all on sunday. Even monday morning I took hot shower. It's because I deviated my aims and started to find excuses to not have cold showers. Exactly like it happens when relapsing (procrastinating and finding reasons for fapping). So, this could be a mental first step which will make its path to make me relapse? I don't know, but what is sure is that I must reverse it. So I want to restore the regime I was following during the first 30 days of this streak: have a cold shower almost every day! There are more reasons I should do it: urges reduction, mood improvment, depression healing, body feels better, immunite system is stronger, skin and hair are healthier.
So now this is my commitment: the whole month of march, which started three hours ago, I will take only cold showers, regardless anything happening!

Day 44 has already begun. Let's go forward with this streak!

 

[Blu88]

Day 44

I'm writing in the day's 45 morning because yesterday it was a really busy day and I felt totally asleep as soon as I touched the bed.
I woke at at 2am and couldn't fall asleep again. At 7 am it started my day: I went in a city 200kms far away from home and stayed there until the evening when I came back home, had dinner and felt asleep.
Although that lack of sleep and rest, I managed to make everything fine! I was at a job meeting and then at an interview. Had company during the journeys and very good time with people during the day. I'm happy about yesterday. I had good mood and felt positive about future. It looks like the flatline weakened a little bit, but I believe it's for external circumstances rather than depending it on me: let's take all the good things!
I took a cold shower at 9 am, so respecting the commitment. Didn't workout, but walked so much that I can say I actually made some training.
Didn't even have time to have urges; just had some sex thoughts seeing nice girls at the event.

Tomorrow (today actually) is going to be day 45! The end of the day will mean I am at 50% of the journey. Looking back at when I started this streak, it feels as if it passed an eternity! Also (scared to say that) it was quite easy. Not because I'm good, rather because I'm working in this for almost four years and by having had good streaks my brain is getting accustomed to nofap and it's dislinking the connection pleasure-pmo! Never have had aggressive urges at the point to risk relapsing. In 45 days it's weird though! I really hope the next 45 days will be the same. If not, I will be ready for the battle!

 

[Blu88]

Day 45

So now it's official: I'm at 50% of my journey.
Today I had a pretty good day. In the morning I studied english and sent some emails. In the afternoon I slept (the only bad note) and studied english. In the evening I watched a video in english and went out with 4 friends.
Respecting the commitment I made, I had a cold shower before lunch. Didn't workout.
Last night I made a wet dream. I dreamt I was watching porn and relapsed. When I woke up I really thought I relapsed! It took me some time to realize it was just a nightmare! It's good that I felt watching porn is a nightmare, it means my brain is really settled for this journey! I'm still in this great streak I'm having!

The first part of the journey ended and it began the second! I will put all the efforts to let if be as smooth as it was day 1-45!

 

[Blu88]

Day 46

I had a good day. Good mood, positevity, motivation, productivness, energy!
What needs to be pointed out, is that my libido is back. Last night I made a sexy (not wet though) dream; during the whole day I spent several time touching (not edging though) and having boners. Had some urges too. It's a dangerous phase to relapse because urges show up so overwhelming that it's hard to help it! Well, today it wasn't the case for me! And I will do everything in my power to prevent it to happen in the next future!
I went to play football with friends in the late afternoon and after that I took a cold shower. Yeah, the cold shower's commitment is still beign respected! After cold shower, urges slowed down, in fact I'm ok right now!
Didn't have headache for the whole day but after lunch, after waking up after the after lunch' falling asleep and before going to sleep in the night.

My previous hard mode streak record is 27 days far from today! They look soooooo much, yet I'm sure they will fly away. I'm still doing my best and I'm trustful I will suceed!