My nofap journey (journal)

[Blu88]

Day 41 (and previous)

I haven't written on this journal for 5 days. The reason I was tired in the evenings before tonight.
In the previous days I was still in flatline: no urges, low mood, low motivation. Headaches were coming and fading.
Only today the flatline seems to get weaker! Infact, I had some weak urges, which I am fairly well managing.

I am getting better and better with cold showers! The discomfort of the begging is getting shorter and shorter: if at my first cold shower I suffered the first 10 seconds, today the suffering sensation was by far weaker and it lasted 2-3 seconds. Also, I'm using water colder and colder. If helps me a lot, it kills the urges, puts me in good mood and improves my motivation!

So, I should begin to be aware to urges' coming back. It is going to be the phase I didn't overcome in the past. This time I must be ready for the fight

 

[Blu88]

Day 42 - Day 0

I relapsed! I blame myself so much for it! I relapsed due to more causes:
1) it's sunday and I didn't have anything to do (or at least anything to do compulsoryly)
2) I didn't get up from the bed from the moment I woke up (9:30 am) to half past 12; I didn't even dress off my pigiama
3) I began to browse hookers' website with women offering sex (it always triggers me)
4) I found excuses my brain suggested me; this time it was "come on, today is your birthday! Fap session is a gift you deserve! Also, it's sunday: tomorrow, monday the 18th of january will be your new day 1, even as the beginning of the week and of your 28th year of life!"
5) I didn't feel fine this morning due to yesterday's chicken I ate at dinner; it prevented me to have cold shower.

I feel bad, both because my 42 days' counter has been resetted and the sensation I feel now. It's not only guilty and shame feeling, but also a badbeign! I have a mild nausea and my head is like "heavy". Even though I used to have headaches even during my reboot, this is a different feeling, it's like I couldn't think or use my brain! I can clearly feel how worse I feel now compared with this morning and the previous days (even if I was in flatline: flatline is better than the sensation after have pmoed).

Neverthess, there is something positive to catch from all this situation:
1) my brain rewired for 41 and half day,
2) I learnt to have cold showers,
3) I don't have excuses to start a streak from a better day than tomorrow, since tomorrow will be day 1 of my streak and day 1 of my 28th year of life,
4) when I wake up, I mustn't stay in pijama on bed for too long time,
5) never and ever watch hookers' website (I already knew it, but I must know that it makes me relapse for sure, so I must avoid it).

Today, the day of my 28th birthday I relapsed! But not only that: I fapped 5 times so far and at 23:59 I will have fapped the 6th time in a day, so breaking my record of fap's sessions in a day! This will make me feel pmo disgusting and give me the sprint for not having urges for 5-6 days!

Finally, tomorrow, monday the 18th of january 2016 at 0:00 will be the day 1 of my final streak. Today it was the last time in my life I fapped! By tomorrow I will be free from pmo for the rest of my life! I can't fail. I know I will achieve my 90 days pmo free and the streak will go on even further!
Come on guys, let's defeat together this addiction!!!

 

[Blu88]

Day 1

I woke up tired with headache! It couldn't have been different since yesterday I fapped six times!
Neverthess, the rest of the day was positive. I worked out in the morning, had a cold shower after that and in the afternoon I began to work in my CV (I resigned from my last job)! Also, I created Excel files where I will track my progresses and sign everything I have to do.
I didn't have headache after the waking up.
I didn't have urges: how could I after yesterday's six faps?

This wellbeign on day 1 must arise from my previous streak of 42 days in hard mode. In that time my brain rewired and, although last relapse was a bad step back, it didn't erase the work made by that time.

 

[Blu88]

Day 2

No urges even today. Nothing strange. I forsee the urges will show up at days 5-15.
Today I went running and had cold shower after that. I did it also yesterday and will do it tomorrow aswell!
My mood in the afternoon was good. It was awesome when I cleaned my room. Now in the evening I feel bad. Have paranoia for having treated some friends not properly. So my mood is down actually. I thing mood swings as withdrawal sympthom can be explained because of my 42 days long streak! That's ok, althought it is not pleasurable.
Avaregily today I didn't have headaches. Only mild ones in some moments of the day!
So now, let's rather go to sleep and begin the day three as good as possible

 

[Blu88]

Day 3

No urge. No headaches.
Spent my whole day writing a CV. It prevented to do anything else. I felt unsatisfied at the end of the day. Tomorrow I must work on making something better!

 

[Blu88]

Day 4

Today I had a lot of negative thoughts. I became pessimist about my future and I had paranoias about my actual life. I'm focusing on the fact I don't have a job, I don't have a girlfriend and I'm gradually disconnecting with all my friends. It's not that I'm a social outcast, but there is something I can't manage to change. I hope all of these is just a pmo's withdrawal sympthom.
I didn't have headache. This is a good thing. I believe it's connected with with cold shower, which I had even this morning (if was terrible, but the efforts are worth it!).
I had very weak and short urges. It was easy to manage them.
Tonight I went to watch a movie with other people. I was so not social... Probably it was because there were two guys who made me feel in discomfort; probably I felt delressed even before getting there... The thing is that I must work out on my social life.
This streak is raising awarness on my things in my life. Let's get it further

 

[Blu88]

Day 5

I'm writing this in the morning of day 6 because yesterday night I felt asleep.
Yesterday afternoon I didn't have any urge. My mood was better than the two previous days's.
I went to sleep after lunch and had strong headache when I woke up.
I worked out by running and had cold shower after that!
I sent some CVs by internet. I didn't feel I wasted the day, as it happened yesterday and the day before yesterday!

Now the week end is coming. The weekend is always the hardest challenge for nofap, but I'm too motivated for relapsing! So far, I had destroyed my life enought and I can't postpone any further the having a normal life!

 

[Blu88]

Day 6

I'm writing in the day 7's morning because yesterday I I fell asleep after a party in a club.
It was a night full of triggers: plenty hot girls, alcohol (drunk 5 cocktails) and rejection (not that I really wanted to hook up a girl, but I tryed with a not pretty one just for curiosity and it was an awful interation). Also, today I'm upset because I yesterday I spent too much money. Neverthess, I don't feel like fapping. Can this still be flatline?

About yesterday, it was a not productive day. In the morning I didn't di anything and I spent the afternoon hanging out with my brother.
I was in a good mood. Had mild headache only in the morning. Made cold shower before going to the party!

 

[Blu88]

Day 7

It was a weird day. I felt very bad and depressed in the afternoon. Then I made a cold shower and I was happy.
Had headache only after lunch, when I had also some urges.
I trained my english.

One week is gone. Week 2 is beginning tomorrow! Let's overcome these days 8-14!!!

 

[Blu88]

Day 8

Today I had a good and productive day although I didn't go out of home. It turned me on good mood!
I didn't have headaches, nor urges.
I went running as workout on a steep uphill and I achieved it! After that I had cold shower at coldest temperature and stayed 90 seconds (instead of 60 like I usually do) under that water after have washed my body! Cold showers are amazing! I found out a lot of benefits of taking them. I suggest you to read this:
http://www.oxdevelopment.com/2015/11/08/cold-showers-11-reasons/
It motivated me so much in taking cold shower and I can feel the benefits! Tomorrow I want to repeat the process run on steep uphill and cold shower!
I'm making si many improvment that this time I strongly believe I will achieve my 90 days goal!

 

[Blu88]

Day 9

Quite a positive day! I didn't have urges at all. I had headache after I came back from a burocratical office, took a medicine and then I was fine again.
I made cold shower but didn't work out. I am really enjoying having cold showers!
I had a social day. Talked to people and although it was not a so productive day I am happy of it.
At midnight I'm going to hit day 10. I'm ready for another day pmo free

 

[risingagain2016]

great.
things looking good and strong.

 

[Blu88]

Day 10

A bad day! After too nice days I should have expected it!
There happened many things.
Let's start from the positive ones:
1) I made a really good training in the morning! I went running to a steep uphill close to my house and in the afternoon I've also walked on a steep uphill;
2) I made a cold shower right after have run; the discomfort was minimal; it was just me behaving like scared but I didn't suffer at all! From the 10 seconds of suffering on my first cold shower to 0,5 seconds of suffering today; all in two weeks, that's amazing!
3) had good interation with friends; both at lunch in a friend's flat with other people and at a bar for a happy hour for a friend's birthday;
4) trained a lot english (I'm not english mother tongue);
5) didn't relapse although many triggers (I'm going to explain why).

Neutral happenings:
1) last night I had a wet dream; my first wet dream on this streak after a sexual dream;
2) had some urges, but not so strong; they were caused by triggers as chaser effect from the wet dream, rejection from a girl and my friend played porn video on his phone trying to let me see it.

Negative happenings:
1) I was agreed with a girl we would talk to clear up what happened between me and her; this morning she denied me a talk, first kindly and then arrogantly! Not that I care that much, because I wasn't expecting anything from her, but it bothered me that she denied me a talk. It was a sort of rejection which bothered me and made me in bad mood and unproductive for the whole afternoon, although I knew I shouldn't give it so much importance; anyway, in the end I deleted her phone number and blocked her on Facebook, since by behaving like that she gave me the answers I wanted!
2) the friend I was at lunch played a porno video on his phone with loud volume. I didn't watch it. I looked at it for one second (maybe even less) and heard its noise for 10-15 seconds. This friend was making a "funny joke" because he knows about what I found out about pmo and he's not smart enought to understand it. He did it with no bad intentions and I think I shouldn't have had dopamine spike with such short viewing of it. Although I was bothered I saw porn. I should take it as a positive sign since I was disgusted by porn and by the idea of watching it.
3) had middle headaches during the day; they were coming and fading.
4) mood alterned from very bad (girl's rejection, porn showing) to very good (workout, cold shower, social interations).

I really hope not to have another day like today, although I can take positive learnings about what is discomfort on which I'm so unaccustomed because of pmo and my behavior of last year which was so adverse to get out of my comfort zone!
Tomorrow is going to be day 11! I'm still on

 

[isaboy15]

Dude you're a rockstar! The way you're handling your reboot is admirable. Rejection is a real trigger, man. So is your friend showing you P. Good job powering through those. Keep pushing and good job, man.

 

[Blu88]

Dude you're a rockstar! The way you're handling your reboot is admirable. Rejection is a real trigger, man. So is your friend showing you P. Good job powering through those. Keep pushing and good job, man.

Thank you. Comments like yours really increase my motivation!

 

[spanking_bobster]

Hey, you describe your process with much attention to detail. That's inspiring!
Also good on you for accepting this "rejection" as a fact of life and moving on

I'm interested in how your story continues!

Cheers Mate

 

[Blu88]

Day 11

Another bad day.
I wasted the morning because I went to donate the blood (and in the end I didn't donate because it was the first time for me and they need to check if I'm healthy).
When I went back to home I tried to sort some stuff on my pc but I didn't manage to.
After lunch I had tiredness and strong headache so I felt asleep for three hours (until 18). After that I didn't have any will to go in two places I scheduled to go. I went just in one after dinner.
So: bad mood, strong headache, no workout and nothing useful produced!

The only positive thing was cold shower. When I woke up in the afternoon I didn't wanto to do anything. Anything at all, until I took a cold shower. It's miraculous what it makes to me: from beign depressed I feel fine! By tomorrow I want to have two of them every day: one in the morning and one before dinner! I know it's crazy, but you can't imagine how positevely it affects me.

I didn't have any urge. At day 11 it's pretty weird. I don't know if I should consider this as the going on of the flatline I had in my previous 42 days' streak, or if I should think the process urge-flatline just reversed! Anyway, it's good I'm educated about pmo and pmo recovery, so I know what expects me.

 

[Blu88]

Day 12

An avarage day. I learnt a little bit of the new language I'm learning. In the afternoon I had a course where I went with two friends. I came back home exhausted and actually I'm laying on the bed although it's friday night.
I had a cold shower in the morning. I wanted to have two ones per day, but I'm not sure I will do it now after dinner.
I didn't workout today.
My mood is normal: no peak of happiness not a depression edge!
I'm going to be alone in my house until sunday evening. Already today I began to think how would it be PMOing and had very mild urges. This week end will be challenging but I know I can manage to overcome it!

 

[Blu88]

Day 13

Another avarage day. Either not good but not bad though.
I had very very weak porn and sex flashbacks. Nothing special, so no struggle to dismiss it!
I took a cold shower but didn't work out.
I went to watch a match my friends were playing. Not a big deal, but at least I didn't stay the whole day at home.
I didn't go out after dinner. Trained my english instead.

 

[Blu88]

Day 14

Today it was a potentialy very hard day to overcome. I was the whole day alone at home without nothing special to do. I didn't want to do anything so I stayed almost all the time on bed. Also, it was sunday, the last day of the week and the last day of the month: I could have thought "Let's relapse and have a february fap free since january wasn't anyway fap free! The 1st of february at 00:00 will be the new day one". I didn't fall in this trap. I had urges and thoughts of relapsing. I had also porn and sex flashbacks. Neverthess I managed with easy and didn't take pmo as an option. I believe cold showers are helping me a lot in this process! I made one even today after have worked out.
My mood was not good. Not so bad, but I would describe it as below the avaregeness' border line. I haven't done anything productive.
Headache escaleted: from nothing in the morning to mild in the afternoon ending up with strong after dinner. It must have been because I stayed home the whole day and ate hard stuff for dinner.

Tomorrow with day 15 it will begin week 3! Getting the first two weeks turned out to be easy. Too easy. I believe there will be days with strong urges, but I also feel I am stronger than how I was in the past streak. I think I can overcome this addiction and all the tools I worked out so far will be for sure a big help