Finally moving towards recovery!

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Siphus! Thanks so much for that quote! That's super helpful.

Like I was mentioning, I'm having a few stresses hit me all at once right now - low money, declined request to go on a date, trying to quit P and recently relapsing. So I think that I'm dealing with a lot of internal shame and non-forgiveness due to all of these, not just the relapse. Therefore it's really interesting and good to read what you wrote about self-forgiveness. I can apply it to these other areas of my life that make me feel ashamed. I find that when negative things start to pile up, they all interact and reinforce each other. I think that's also true for positive things. I guess that's kind of the law of attraction.


Yeah, so that's the place I've been in the past several days. Not in a super great mood - but hey - I relapsed only once, and haven?t fallen in too deep since. But ya know, it's funny, I was so happy when I was on my first big run of reboot - so proud to say I hadn't PMO'ed in 2, 3 weeks, you know? That when I did relapsed, I kind of retreated into the shadows, and didn't want to post on here. I guess that's shame at work. It's also compounded by the shame/guilt from the other negative stuff in my life........

Well the only place to go when you're on the bottom is up!


This addiction is such a challenging thing. Man why do we have shame? I hate it. We'd be so much better off without shame. It really feels like the little demon on my shoulder just hurling insults at me......what a strange thing that we humans have, hey?

Any suggestions for feelings of shame / feelings of inadequacy / feeling like a failure?

Much love!

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

And also, thanks Faptain for commenting and giving constructive feedback So so so appreciated!!!

 

[vigilantwarrior]

Yeah, so that's the place I've been in the past several days. Not in a super great mood - but hey - I relapsed only once, and haven?t fallen in too deep since. But ya know, it's funny, I was so happy when I was on my first big run of reboot - so proud to say I hadn't PMO'ed in 2, 3 weeks, you know? That when I did relapsed, I kind of retreated into the shadows, and didn't want to post on here. I guess that's shame at work. It's also compounded by the shame/guilt from the other negative stuff in my life........

I totally get it. That's what we're here for, we don't want you in the shadows, even if you only have a few hours under your belt, we like your posts and want to keep you here haha.

Any suggestions for feelings of shame / feelings of inadequacy / feeling like a failure?

I'd love to know this too... My sense of shame goes up exponentially after a relapse, but little feelings hang around other times too. Personally, one thing I was inspired to do was to text several of my good friends who I haven't spoken with in a while, something encouraging this morning. It made me feel really good. That's not a solve-all, but little ways for us to show gratitude really get us out of shame feelings. Worth a try perhaps.

-siphus

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Folks!

Thanks Siphus for the encouraging words. If/when I make it out of this addiction for good, I'll have to cite you as one of the main things that helped to get me out!!

Yeah, feelings of shame run deep for sure, and they're hard to get rid of. I find that if I go days/weeks without PMO'ing, then the immediate shame from that fades, but it's almost like it is readily replaced with feeling guilty or shameful about something else! Lol. Almost like that?s a familiar state for my mind to be in, and so it'll find almost anything to feel bad about (that's probably the case :0)

Well this day so far is going ok. Last night I got to bed by 11:30, asleep by 12:00, and today up at 8:30. I did my exercises and made breakfast, so yeah, I'm feelin? ok. I'd say my toughest challenge so far is switching my focus onto to something else productive, cuz like I said before, there is a large part of my brain that really doesn't want to give this stuff up, so what I find myself doing is basically forcing it through with will power, which I know WILL NOT work in the long run. (I read your post Siphus about the relapse cycle of an addict when they base their recovery solely on their emotions and not on a structure). That's the challenge I'm dealing with now - I'm basing my recovery solely on my 'cold turkey' approach (which -hey- is not the end of the world, at least I have that). But I know that If I'm actually serious, I'll have to start up some new activities, and really switch my focus to something else in my life. I'm planning on moving to a new location in a month or so, and I'm hoping that?s going to help. I?m in the city now, and the place I'm planning on moving to is in the country, and when I visited there I made a bunch of connections quickly, and there was a bunch of cool spiritual stuff going on there. So, yeah, I'm thinking that that'll be a more healing environment for me.

Having said all that, I realize that this'll probably be with me for the REST OF MY LIFE! Or at least a substantial part of it, and that it is not an overnight thing (like you were saying Faptain - we want results NOW, but it doesn't work like that). So I know that on some deeper level, I've really got to commit to this, and basically 'break up' with it, like I was ending a relationship with a girlfriend. That's actually what it feels like on one level. I mean, I've had the majority of my sexual experiences WITH P! I had my first orgasm with P. So, yeah, it has been with me for a long time. I like to think of P as my sexy, dramatic, mentally unhealthy girlfriend who is always getting me to do stupid things and who I know I have to break up with, but she just keeps drawing me back in. I know our relationship is super un-healthy, but she's just so sexy that I keep going back. So, like in real life, if that were a real person, I'd have to break it off for good, and set my boundaries.

It's also super helpful to think that even though I relapsed a few days ago, that my progress of a month is not lost. I think that?s one of the worst contributors to shame - when your mind tells you that "you messed up, so now you're a total failure". Instead of saying something like "wow, you made it a month, and you only slipped up once! you're definitely on the road to recovery!". Which is actually closer to the truth.

Ok, I'm peacin' out for now Faptsronauts.

-Peace

 

[Faptain America]

It's also super helpful to think that even though I relapsed a few days ago, that my progress of a month is not lost. I think that?s one of the worst contributors to shame - when your mind tells you that "you messed up, so now you're a total failure". Instead of saying something like "wow, you made it a month, and you only slipped up once! you're definitely on the road to recovery!". Which is actually closer to the truth.

Exactly!!! The shame comes with low self-esteem. You have to accept the fact that you ARE worthy of good things in your life. This is your life, not anyone else's. You aren't hurting anybody but yourself. Often times that statement is used in favor of PMO, but in this case you can release your feelings of shame with the knowledge that you are your own guinea pig. There's no 4 year old who didn't get Christmas because you relapsed and banged out a few knuckle children in the bathroom 15 days ago.

Let it be. Be clinical with those negative feelings and move on.

Cheers,

-The Faptain

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

I posted this morning-ish, but I'm posting again cuz I have some thoughts on my mind, so I'm just gonna rant for a bit;

It's amazing how much power there is in attraction between men and women, and consequently how much that power is used by P and the sex industry to get you to buy something. It's just amazing how powerful that force is just on the face of it, like just that there is a binding force between people. I interacted with a woman tonight, just talking and having conversation, and I was drawn to her, I can't deny it. And she was good looking, but also she was attractive in her personality. That?s the part that makes it real attraction, and the part that is kind of neglected in P. I mean sometimes the actors/actresses will act to make you attracted to them, but it's never real, like it is in real life.

I guess I'm just observing that even though I've just recently stopped PMO'ing, that urge to interact with and check out pretty women has not diminished, and I'm kind of wondering if it's fueled by P, or if it's just my natural attraction? I'm just gonna keep off the P, and if some romance comes my way, I won't say 'no', but I will try to take it slow, cuz I find rushing leads to problems.

I feel as if real attraction is like the sunlight, and P is like a light bulb or a fluorescent light in comparison. Those artificial forms of light only represent a tiny spectrum of real sunlight, just as P only is a sliver of real attraction. It only focuses on certain aspects of attraction and sex, not the whole thing. The real thing makes you feel good, and makes you want to see that person again!! But P usually just leaves you feeling empty. Perhaps because you got such a huge dose of sex without actually doing any courtship or 'work' to get it. But that courtship and 'work' is what our brains have evolved to do, and we enjoy flirting and eye contact, and the feeling that that person is interested in US, and looking at US and talking to US! Haha, just ranting here.

It's hard to re-wire our brains once they?ve been exposed to such powerful stuff in the form of P, but I believe that it's actually way more enjoyable to experience the full spectrum of attraction, courtship and romance. Of course, it also hurts a lot when we get rejected, but hey, at least it's real! And we can listen to sad music, cry, or talk to close friends to help assuage the anguish. It helps build our life story. I mean everything does ultimately, including our struggle with P,  but I would much prefer a life lived in the real world

Anyway, just some thoughts that were flying around in my head after chatting with a pretty woman.

Also......I'm the worst for just falling in love right away! Hahaha, and when that happens, I think that they?re interested in me too, but I can't always tell. I mean if someone wants have a conversation with you, and smiles at you and whatnot then that means that they might be interested right? I guess what?s important to realize is that, they might just be interested in you in a non-sexual way, which is something I have to come to accept, and not just rush into something headlong because somebody smiled at me! Haha.

Haven't relapsed again since that one relapse. Still proud to not be PMO'ing.

-Peace

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Thanks Siphus and Faptain for the feedback,
(responding to your comments)

Yes, I am the only one who either benefits or suffers from my own internal shame, so I have to get to a point where I allow myself to not be full of shame!! That's just the addiction perpetuating itself.

In other words ?nobody?s going to be angry because you forgave yourself!? haha. Honestly I think that?s one of the biggest things, it?s like my brain is trying to anticipate what others would think, and it anticipates that they?d be grossed out and disgusted so it pre-empts that and feels shame almost in advance.

 

[Faptain America]

Also......I'm the worst for just falling in love right away!

This often gets you in trouble because it feels like you're moving too quickly. Sometimes you'll run into a woman who's the same way and you move too fast and things crash & burn later on. It's much like a job interview. Don't start thinking about the future before you get to the present!

Cheers,

-The Faptain

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hello All!

Well, nothing major to report here. No relapses. No major craving for P either (which is really awesome), but what I do find is just sort of an underlying un-easiness. I wonder if that's from the lack of P, or just from my living situation right now, or maybe a combination of both?

I'l be moving to the country and a totally new place in mid may, so I'm really looking forward to that, and hoping that that'll jump start a lot of awesome in my life. I find I do get into 'funks' in life, but now I'm not turning to P to deal with them, so the feeling of un-easiness is just kind of there, without an outlet. Oh well, I'm doing my best. I guess the biggest thing is that it just takes time hey?

At the beginning of my reboot I was M-ing every night (without P). It?s like I was/am afraid of the flatline, and I also wanted to prove to myself that I could get an E. But now, I'm going through little gaps without M-ing. Last night I didn't, and there have been other little gaps here and there. Maybe with some time, I'll just take a week or even a month off of M-ing. I dunno, any thoughts about that? I guess I'm just afraid of being like an A-sexual being if I'm not M-ing. But I guess I have to be willing to go to that place where I'm not really super aroused by anything, and I'm not really horny, you know? That's the part that has scared me in the past, like when I would try rebooting on my own, I would get to one month or two months, and be like "so this is me without P? I don't really like being in this place, it's kind of boring, and I don't feel super turned on by anything". But now I realize that I was just at the beginning of the reboot and the flatline and that I've gotta keep going. Like I said before, I think the key is to just start doing other things, to take my mind off it, and before I know it, time will have passed! I'm still working on that, instead of being in this place where I'm just thinking "ok, I'm rebooting, I'm not PMO-ing" all the time, so that even though Im not doing it, I'm focusing on the fact that I'm not doing it! lol.

Another thing though, is that like I mentioned before, I find that having had P as a big part of my life not only effects my ability to be aroused, but it also affects the way I interact with women in general in other ways. Like I find myself sometimes not being super aroused or interested by real people, and that kind of sucks, but it's just part of the journey right? I hope that after many months, that that will come back more

-Peace

 

[Faptain America]

Hey buddy,

Busy week so i'm just starting to get caught up with everyone here.

Don't forget that masturbation is a healthy activity when sex isn't an option. Your body does need the release. In fact you reduce your chances of prostate cancer by half when you release regularly. It's the porn that makes things complicated as we all know

The urge to masturbate in and of itself is not a bad thing. It's the porn and the excess that is the problem. I myself have been making it a few days without masturbation but when I start feeling porn urges I just use my imagination and reduce some of the need. Remember all that talk about weak executive function during arousal though

Cheers,

-The Faptain

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Well, I feel like an idiot - I just had a relapse last night, and then this morning. Hmmmm, yeah, so that happened. I'm proud to be writing about it so soon, but I also feel like a hypocrite and a fake. All those common emotions that come after a relapse. It kind of feels like I won't be able to ever recover, but I know that I can, it'll just be a long road.

Also, at the point right after a relapse it feels like all my progress HAS been lost, although I know that it hasn't. It's just all those heavy negative emotions that are always there after a relapse.

I don't have too much to write on this entry, just thought that being honest was the best course, even though I feel like running into a hole and hiding from the forum community, because I have this fear that everybody will be like "Oh, you don't really mean it about your recovery, you might as well just get off this site and quit". Although I know that?s what this website is for! Haha.

Actually writing about it is a good thing even though I just had a relapse. By writing about it, it reminds me that everybody on this site is struggling with the same thing, even though my mind is kind of in a fog from overloading it with all the dopamine and serotonin from last night and this morning. It's just another reminder of how toxic and powerful this stuff is!

I'm just sitting here remarking at how much binging on P messes you up when you're finished! Man! It's crazy. My mind is totally in a fog, and I can't really concentrate on anything like I normally can. Plus my confidence is low low low. And my energy is also low low low. I don't really want to interact with my roommates cuz I feel ashamed and dirty. Yeah, I'm just so amazed, yet again, at how P leaves your mind/body in a depleted state, making it much more susceptible to future relapse. When I'm in this place it seems that I won't be able to climb back out again, but I know that it is possible!


Thanks Faptain for the comments! Super helpful. Yeah, obviously I go back and forth between being able to stay away from P, and going back to it. I just have to stick it out you know? I was allowing myself to M without P, and I'm ok with that. But when I relapse to P it just disheartens me. But I'm just going to keep on trucking. It's definitely not an easy journey! My god, what a challenge this is!

Well, here's to continued healing, even though we fall down. It's just hard to pick my chin up and keep going, ya know? But I will.

All the best for now,

-Peace

 

[achilles heel]

I don't have too much to write on this entry, just thought that being honest was the best course, even though I feel like running into a hole and hiding from the forum community, because I have this fear that everybody will be like "Oh, you don't really mean it about your recovery, you might as well just get off this site and quit". Although I know that?s what this website is for! Haha.

No sir, you will stay right on this site! If reboot was easy and relapses didn't happen, we wouldn't be here. It's not about regretting, but all about improving. Yesterday you had a choice, the addicted part of your brain won and look at the result:

I just had a relapse last night, and then this morning.

...

My mind is totally in a fog, and I can't really concentrate on anything like I normally can. Plus my confidence is low low low. And my energy is also low low low. I don't really want to interact with my roommates cuz I feel ashamed and dirty. Yeah, I'm just so amazed, yet again, at how P leaves your mind/body in a depleted state

Now ask yourself: What would have been a better choice to do last night? Which activity? Something you like, something that gives you a good feeling. Think about the alternative and next time the cravings set in, remind yourself of the consequences that follow up the porn-choice and instead choose the healthy alternative.

But I'm just going to keep on trucking. It's definitely not an easy journey! My god, what a challenge this is!

Well, here's to continued healing, even though we fall down. It's just hard to pick my chin up and keep going, ya know? But I will.

All the best for now,

-Peace

You're on the right track. Next time you don't write about your relapse. Because there will be no next time! All the best for you!

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Thanks Achilles for the encouraging words! It's good to hear confident reinforcement! I'm feeling a bit better after the whole day has passed.


I just went for a nice long walk and watched the sunset. While I was on my walk I wrote myself this little note, and then I thought I'd just post it cuz it definitely relates to the struggle with P. Here it is:



I realize that much of my 20's has been spent regretting the past, being bitter about things I don't like in my life, and perpetuating bad habits that I acquired as a teenager (such as P addiction). Although I HAVE  done good personal  work in my 20's I haven't  been fully committed to doing my BEST work- to bettering myself. I've often gotten caught up in negative situations instead of doing my best to help solve them or just move on and forget completely about them. I find that extremely hard to do: to let the past go and just move on and be positive!

So now I'm approaching my 30's! What will this decade of my life be about? Will it be about truly growing into myself more (e.g. being a better version of myself and really growing and bettering myself?) or will it be a decade where I continue to struggle on the same path that I've been on, not really making much progress?

It's funny how by writing this, it sounds like my 20's were a total waste. But I don't feel that that's true. It just feels like a lot of the time, I've been distracted from accomplishing my goals mostly by my P addiction. But all is not lost! I need to stop feeling like my 20's were a total waste. They weren't- I've really learned many lessons during my 20's about life and about myself. Maybe my 20's didn't play out exactly like my mind's image of what they should've been like, but if I wrote down all the lessons that I've learned in this past decade, I'm sure it would be hundreds of items long!!

I want to be excited about this new decade of my life. It's an opportunity to put all of what I've learned to practice! To let go of hatred, resentment, and negativity!! And to truly be my better self - the self that I know I can be!! I'm  a beautiful man

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey!

I just wanted to report about last night: I lay in bed trying to get to sleep and definitely had some major urges, but I didn't give in. It was a challenge for sure, but I just sat there and rooted myself in my body (I had to do it again and again, cuz the mind wanders and that leads to thoughts of sex and then to urges). But yeah, I didn't give in to temptation and I didn't relapse! So it's been only one day, but hey: progress is progress!

Staying the course

-Peace

 

[LeirTheFox]

Hey man,

Your 20's were a path that made you learn a lot about yourself. Try not to judge the road for its rougher parts

When trying to get to sleep and having major urges, my biggest advice is to get up and do anything else than dwell on desires.
Some advise that the cold shower works great both for calming these nerves : and also lowers the body temperature for sleeping.
However, when you beat it once, you get momentum. Keep it doing and these impulses will get weaker as time goes by.

Achilles heel gave you some solid advice. I can't add much to it.
However, I'm happy to see that you're motivated to change your life. That's pretty much the core of successful rebooters.
No-PMO by itself won't do much for you ? in fact, it may make your life worse because now you see problems more clearly and have nowhere that soothing to run. This journey is about not running from life's tough moments. It's to embrace them as much as we embrace pleasure.

Congratulations. You'll see life more colorful from now on.

Cheers,
L.

 

[Faptain America]

Hey man, how long did you make it this time? You should get into the habit of mentioning it in your posts. It helps commit it to memory.

You're making progress man.

Cheers,

-The Faptain

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hey Guys!

Again, thanks for the feedback. Great to have these good ideas bouncing around. Keep 'em coming!

So, the last time I PMO-ed was on Monday the 18th, so I've made it four days now since my last PMO. I've M since then, but not with P! Enough time has passed to at least not be in the place of self loathing, which is awesome, but I fully understand that I'm in relapse territory still, and that I have to be careful.

I dig what you said (Leir) about replacing P with something else, or else my life will probably just get more miserable while I'm just forcing myself through the urges. Whereas if I had something to replace it with, then I probably wouldn't even notice the period where I'm going without P and healing from it. Still working on that, but at least the knowing is the first step, hey?

I think I'm going to try taking a break from M for a little while. I was allowing myself to M while rebooting, but I find that often I'm just thinking about old girlfriends and stuff we did together (which is not too bad, but I find that I'm having P influenced fantasies interspersed with my thoughts about old girlfriends while M-ing). And last night while I was M-ing I got hard at first and was able to keep an E for about 10-15 minutes, but then I started to get soft and kept getting softer and softer until I finally thought of something that made me climax, but even at that point I was mostly soft. Probably a side effect of my brain being wired to constant novelty all the time, and just being bored with little old 'hand'.

So I figured I might just take a little break from M-ing for a little while, and just see what happens.


I went camping the other night! That was pretty awesome. I needed to have some time to myself, and that was just perfect. It was so nice to get out of the city and go be in nature, the trees, shrubs and the sounds of the birds - really healing for the soul I tell ya!


Again, thanks for the feedback - it's super helpful!

All the best Fapstronauts!

-Peace

 

[planet_earth_is_blue]

Hi Peace,

I think using a spreadsheet to track your progress would be very beneficial for you. Spreadsheets are great because they allow you see the full picture and they will never discourage you.

If you do relapse, you input it on the spreadsheet and move on. You don't make a new thread called "Relapsed again" or "Not making any progress". For example, if you went from fapping 25 times per month to 2-3 times per month, you're making huge progress, even if your counter only says 6 days. (Credit to TheUnderdog from YBR) You probably know that already, but maybe, just maybe this might help ease the shame associated with relapsing.

Here is a great post on how to get started, the author has even provided his own format that you can easily copy for your own use: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?PHPSESSID=6a1591c203e3e874e8241741893d1870&topic=14584.0

You can read more about the theory behind PMO spreadsheets in this wonderful post: http://www.yourbrainrebalanced.com/index.php?topic=15558.0

I hope you give it a try!

Also, I'm jealous that you went camping I am overdue for a good dose of nature!

Stay healthy!

- Blue

 

[Faptain America]

Hey Peace,

Check out an App called "Habit Bull". You can setup a nofap habit and set length of time and intervals like must be seven days a week to be successful. It's free.

Haven't been on much recently. Alot of life events recently between myself and my wife. I'll be back on this weekend to do my journal.

Cheers,

-The Faptain

 

[PeaceOfMind062012]

Hello fellow Fapstronauts!

I apologize for my lack of posting in awhile. Not to worry - I've been doing pretty well! I think I've only had one P relapse since I last posted, and just a few O. The reason I haven't been active much lately is because my life has been super busy so I haven't really had the time to post (although I've wanted to).

So yeah, I'm pretty happy about not relapsing a bunch!! I know that I most likely will have relapses in the future, but I feel that (perhaps) they are decreasing. I feel that they are decreasing, and (thank goodness) with this site I have a support system and some way to communicate the things I feel and what I'm experiencing with this addiction with people that understand what it is to be hounded by this vice.

So yeah, like I said, I'm just doing my best to stay off the stuff, and I feel that it is a self-re-enforcing feedback loop; the more I stay away from it, the easier it is to stay away from it (just the way that conversely the more I watch P, the easier it is for me to fall back into the P trap again). But yeah, I feel that in fits and starts I'm on the road to recovery!!! Yay!

So the other day I made (what I consider) a big move in recovery. I had never downloaded P off the internet, only watched live off of tube sites while I was PMO-ing. But I did have one P video and one P sub still on my computer, and about 4 days ago I deleted them for good! It was a funny feeling, cuz that one P sub I had had on my comp for 6 years, and it was always a way for me to fall back into it. I guess it's because I had wired to it in a big way, and it was like breaking up with a girlfriend, basically like a piece of me dying. And I feel that that's really what this is like (the whole path to recovery). It HAS to be a re-birth of you. It has to be. We HAVE to start living that life we always dreamed of. Because if we don't totally shift into a new way of life we will almost inevitably go back to P. In our minds we can't focus on fixing the old, we have to focus on building the new!!

Ok, so that's all for now. I gotta go back to doing things that need doing.

Recovery IS possible! P is a crazy drug like substance that our entire society should be educated about WAY more. And hopefully in the future it will be. Kind of like cigarettes (how there's a health warning on every package). Maybe in the future there will be a class devoted to in middle school or something. You never know!

Congratulations to all of us for taking steps to move away from this stuff and to help spread awareness.  I applaud you all, fapstronauts! Let's stay strong, and keep staying away from this very addictive, toxic and harmful substance.

-Peace